The real B

Post 101.

*: When I say family I mean extended family, my mother already knows.

Finally christmas is over. What a nightmare. In the week leading up to it I had a bout of immense depression every day, fearing my family because I'm not out to them. I broke down at my psych appointment, and closed right up and refused to open again. She tried to put my fear into a focused direction, and face it in a practice run with her, probably in an effort to show me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. That just made things worse, and all I wanted to do was go home and lie in bed and never ever leave.

That night I thought about quitting transitioning, suicide, running away, and realised those were less terrifying than coming out to my family and I haven't really changed my mind either.

What I keep coming back to is that nothing will change. I came out to my mother over two years ago and nothing has changed. She still treats me like a guy, still refers to me as male, still calls me my male name. The only thing that's changed is I dress like a girl in front of her now, which I guess is something... but after two years?

I've been told that I'm just hiding myself from them, which I guess is true. But if nothing has changed with my mother after two years, it's not going to with the rest.

I'm not really sure what to do about this anymore. I hear it's nice in Queensland though.

Jumping to the defense

Serina's been looking into spirituality of various kinds, which I think is awesome. But she's so quick to dismiss it and get defensive because some people would laugh at her for doing this, and liking it, and expanding her mind.

Come to think of it, a lot of people do this. People are so scared that if they do anything out of the norm they'll be shunned, so they lampshade it to make them seem more "normal" to others. It extends into the meta and petty often, too. If someone listens to, and enjoys, a band that isn't what is expected of them, they're likely to feel guilty, or even pretend to hate it and not listen to it again out of fear of getting hurt because you exposed some small part of yourself to others.

I wish people didn't do this. People judge too harshly sometimes.

The inclusive isolating community

Serina and myself were out shopping in an op-shop, and we happened to see another trans-girl, who was looking at us, almost like she really wanted to say hi.

We really wanted to say hi to her as well. But we couldn't. It's just not done. Which is heartbreaking, and quite conflicting to what is spread around the community. We're meant to be a big family, and support each other so no one feels alone when it's so easy to feel that way.

And yet, the 3 of us exchange knowing looks, and go about our day, trying to not look at each other again.

No other community is like this, because no other community's desire is to blend in. Trans people want to be invisible, and just live their lives. But most bizarrely, the only place we want to be approached for being trans is at a support group, or with friends. In specific locations. At specific times. I see it partially stemming from a concept I posted about a while ago, no trans person wants to be "that trans person". We don't want to be singled out for our trans status, even if it's by another trans person in a safe (public) place. There's no other common ground, nor is it an appropriate place to approach anyone (in a clothes store).

There are some who just don't want to be part of the community at all, and stare daggers at any trans person who dares exist in the same dimension as them, which is sad, but I can see where they're coming from. But the other day when we saw this girl was different.

It's such a conflicting coexistance. It's almost like being part of Fight Club.

Responsibility

This is hard for me to talk about.

For the past two years I've had no responsibilities. I've lived my life in that time as I've wanted, playing games all day, seeing friends whenever I wanted, and just generally not even trying to make an effort. This has, of course, made me very lazy in many ways.

It's snuck up on me too. I don't think of myself as lazy, because I didn't used to be. But when I really think about it, I'm terribly lazy. I recorded footage of an event my trans group held and even though it was over a week ago I haven't uploaded the footage to anyone, or even looked at it. I'm meant to be a big part of this group now, as I'm helping organise an introduction group for new people once a month, and I let the latest one almost slip by without any form of effort to make it happen.

I'm shocked at myself, and it makes me feel really discouraged. But I know this is just a side-effect of my lifestyle over the last few years, and if I make an effort to change this I will.

I don't want a reputation among these new friends to be unreliable and lazy. I value them and their opinions too much.

What I want for christmas

Mum has been hassling me about christmas. It's a complicated issue with this family, but it boils down to her pressing me that I should want X when I really just want Y.

In our extended family, we do a non-anonymous Kris Kringle. We all pick a name out of a hat and that's who we buy for, because our family is so large. I'm buying for my grandmother, and my uncle Vin is buying for me. Mum has been telling me for a few weeks now that I shouldn't just give my uncle a list of DVDs or one big thing, because "it's boring" to do your shopping in one place. So she's talked me into trying to think of things that aren't just movies or music, and I keep coming up blank. There isn't anything I want that isn't like that, nothing that would keep me in the closet anyway.

I saw my psych today, and she cheered me up. She finally got it into my head that I'm allowed to want what I want for christmas, and tough shit for mum if she doesn't want me to want it.

Amazingly, since I've gotten over this little hump, I've thought of things that aren't just in one shop. Go figure.

I'm going to ask my grandmother what she wants.

So that's my extended family sorted out, now for my actual mother...

She's asked me for a list of stuff, and again, I keep coming up short. I don't know what I want her to buy me. There's only one thing I can think of that I really want for christmas, and that' a name-change form. I want my real name to be what I've been going by for the last 2 years. I have to think when I introduce myself as my birth-name, and be careful not to say my chosen-name.

I want my name for christmas.

Binging and quitting (Motivation 3)

I can't do moderation. I just can't. If I let myself have even a little bit of junk food, I'll just keep eating it and eating it.

With this in mind, my diet has been to basically cold-turkey every food I love, because everything I love to eat is terrible for you. People kept saying that it shouldn't happen like this, but I can't do it any other way. I can't have just a little bit every now and then. I need it all the time, or never.

It's been about a month since I started doing this , and I set out mostly what I wanted to: To fit back into my lolita outfit.

About a week ago I got really really depressed about it, all I wanted to do was to eat something that tasted good. So I looked up how much your mood should change on a diet, and every single result I got was that if dieting makes you miserable you're being too hard on yourself and too strict. But, once again, that was the only way I could do this. So that night I weighed up things in my head:

Would I be happier eating what I liked, and be chubby
Or
Would I be happier being thinner and not eating what I liked

So yeah, I went with the chubby food-loving side.

It's not all bad, though. The night after I decided that, I went to McDonald's, just cos I wanted SOMETHING unhealthy. I ate it, and guess what? I still didn't like the taste of it.

So I reconsiddered what I wanted, and how I was going to achieve it.

It's taken a few days to think it through, but I think I'm going to continue with what I was doing, but giving myself a break, and trying moderation. I don't think it's going to have a good result, but trying is better than just resigning myself to a weight I'm unhappy with, right?

Motivation pt2: Life without caffeine

I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling of caffeine, but it doesn't look right no matter what.

Anyway, after my terrible realisation and about 3 days of self loathing, my feelings about it weren't going away. So you know what I did? I did something about it.

I'm losing weight, and fast it seems. My psych has already seen a difference, though she may just be saying it. I'm already to the point where I fit into my lolita outfit quite comfortably again.

What am I doing to lose weight? I've cut back on a lot of things, and cut out a few things almost entirely. I'm trying to eat better food, and generally lower quantities. No more coke or soft drink every day. In fact it's been a week since I had coke, and before that it was 5 days that I'd had any.

For the first week it was utter hell. I had a migraine every single night, and my stress levels went through the roof. The headaches have gone for the most part, but the stress thing  is still a bit of an issue. I'm coping as well as I can though, and Serina has been a huge help at keeping me level-headed and in a healthy area of the spectrum. By now I'm pretty sure I would have either just eaten loads of junk every day in an effort to cheer myself up, or completely starved myself in an effort to just make some sort of progress.

One thing I don't like is how people react to me losing weight. They ask how much I weigh (I don't know) and ask how I'm losing the weight, and what my eating habits used to be like when I tell them. Then they say "Ohhhhh, that's really bad for you". I know! That's why I've stopped!

One thing I'm struggling with is the guilt. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a treat and me gorging myself on sugar. I'm pretty much only eating junk food on saturdays, which is the day I work. And I think I'm only doing that because of the stress work gives me, so if I don't work I just don't eat junk food.

Well, at any rate, this seems to be working. I feel lighter, less clogged, I sleep a lot better, however my energy levels have gone way down. I was under the impression they'd go up, but oh well.

Motivation

Tonight I had a big startle: I can barely fit into my lolita outfit! I only got it in june, and I somehow gained enough weight to make it extremely tight.

I immediately got onto google and looked up how to lose weight, only to find out I already knew what I needed to know, because I've googled it a hundred times already.

This happens a lot. I get the urge to lose weight and be more active, and then I lose it just as fast. I know I want to lose this weight, but instead of getting on my bike and going for a ride for half an hour, I sit at home and play TF2. I used to feel guilty about it, but now it's just part of my life. It's pretty consistent, to the point where I'm not even expecting to think about it at all tomorrow.

So now I'm googling how to fix my clothes for my fat ass, and the funny part is I won't even do that. I'd like to say it's because it would be like giving up, but no. I just can't retain motivation anymore.

Permission

There's a transgirl I know who is extremely determined to transition. She is full of self-loathing and insecurity.

The last few times I've talked to her she's mentioned her increasing health issues to do with her over-exerting herself on a constant basis. She barely eats, and exercises to the point of exhaustion every single day. Naturally, this made her unwell. She went to the doctor and became furious when he said to stop her routine.

She thinks that having any fat on her is muscle, and muscle is what men have, not women. She isn't listening to reason, and seems to want permission to keep doing what she's doing. I refuse to give in and take the apathetic attitude I normally have. I care about this girl, and I want her to succeed in a healthy way.

I've tried to talk her down so much, but I see that's pointless. If I push too hard she'll push me away, and just keep doing it. I regularly give her advice, whether she takes it is another matter.

She regularly says "When I transition". She sees it as a black and white thing. Something quick, and painless. If only it were. I've also tried to tell her she already is transitioning, but I got a confused reaction. I suppose the best thing I can do for her is to keep her near, and help pick up the pieces if she falls apart.

Scared

These last few weeks have not been very good, for my headspace. My mum is getting increasingly difficult to deal with, as well as some other things going through my head.

The first being transitioning. I feel like I've hit a ceiling, which I shouldn't be feeling right now. There's always something stopping me, whether tangible and realistic, or totally in my head. I've been feeling very out of control of my own life lately. My mum steering me to places I don't want to go, which keeps my transition from progressing. The first and most prevelent is my job. The job that I hate, and only do on saturdays, that won't take me anywhere in my life.

Then there's my family, who don't know about me, but the more frustrated I get the less I care. Mum's been pushing me away from them for a while now, so that might be part of it. They're pretty much already not involved with my life, so why hide it from them?

This random irrational fear has come out in a very strange way... I've stopped taking my hormones. I talked to Serina about it, and she said it's a way for me to gain some form of control. I think she's right. She convinced me to take them again in front of her, but I haven't done it since. It's been about two weeks off them, and I've noticed the change. I feel heavier, and more masculine. It's kinda scary. Actually it's really scary.

All of this on top of the fact that my life is going nowhere. I'm not in school, I'm working at a job that doesn't really let me go anywhere, and I'm stuck in the middle of transitioning. I'm just stuck where I am.

I keep trying to imagine a realistic solution to all of this, and what I'm coming up with is to quit my job at the end of the year, move out, change my name (this is a huge priority for me right now) and go to school. Easier said than done, but it's realistic.

First order of business is to get back on hormones.

Caged

I haven't been in this cage for very long. It's not even been a week. But I think I've figured a few key parts of it out as to why it's so effective.

The most obvious one is the lock. Doesn't even need to be said, you lock up someone else's genitals, they belong to you. Simple as that.

Then there's the feel of it. It's like a new piercing, you don't notice how much you move your tongue until you get a piece of metal shoved through it. It's sometimes very difficult to get comfortable in this cage, especially while lying on your stomach, which I do frequently. It's not very often you think about your genitals and how they're sitting. Usually it's a black and white scale of comfortable versus something's going to pop. This is related to the lock. It constantly feels like I'm wearing an awkward cage around my cock, and the thought rarely leaves my mind even when I'm comfortable because a slight shift in weight and you're reminded of it.

This one doesn't bother me much, for obvious reasons, but it changes how you pee. You need to sit down to piss. It's not It's a good idea to sit down to pee. It's You sit down to pee or else you piss in random directions and most likely on yourself. This is, naturally, completely emasculating and potentially humiliating for a male in all regards. You can't touch a part of yourself. You can't get an erection. You can't have sex. You can't even stand up to pee anymore. Your dick is completely fucking useless except to look at and get in the way.

I like it. I'm rather happy to wear it, and Serina is ecstatic about what it's doing to me. She's been groping me way more than usual. I think she likes her new toy.

Aesop Amnesia

I see a psychologist every week. I started going to talk about gender stuff, but it just unearthed a lot of other things to deal with. Mostly my mother and depression.

Last week something big happened. The only thing is I don't remember what it was. I remember crying for almost the whole session, but I don't know why anymore.

This is very frustrating.

One thing I do remember is that my psych sounded very worried when she said she thinks I shouldn't be in the same house as my mother anymore... which scared me. A lot. Most of the time I just think the amount my mother effects me is entirely in my head, but to have it confirmed that she is doing a lot of harm... that's scary.

But that's been going on for months, stuff with my mother. It's this particular session that I'm thinking about. I wish I remembered why I was crying for so long.

I have no genitals

Serina has locked up my cock and has claimed it as her own.

We got a really cool chastity device. It was really annoying, but hilarious, trying to get it on me. Since this was my idea, and it's a big fetish of mine, it took about 7 mad rushes over the course of an hour that went something like this:

Serina: Talking about something like Minecraft
Me: Cuts her off mid sentence "It's soft!"
Then we lubed up my cock, and tried to get the thing on me, failed and let out a big sigh.

After a while we FINALLY got it on, and I lay back breathing hard, feeling this weird new addition to my body wondering if the horrible pinching will go away soon.

That was on sunday afternoon. She got me to put the lock on it myself, and then hand her the keys. Meaning this thing was only ever going to come off at her will. Which is exactly how I want it.

I'm currently wearing it, of course. I had a break from it on the long trip home, which was probably for the best because it took longer than normal.

When it's just sitting there, locked on, it feels pretty comfortable. Definitely noticable, there is no way you can forget about this thing for very long. There isn't much to say about this thing that isn't on every single review or forum post about chastity devices, but it's just weird being the one saying it, and not someone who's reading someone else with it on write about it.

Serina has said that only in dire circumstance can I remove it without asking her, but I have to inform her it's off and why ASAP. I physically have a key here in the house, but I don't have a key. It's not mine. It's Serina's key, to Serina's lock, to Serina's chastity cage, that houses Serina's new set of genitals.

She owns a part of me now. And we're both very happy with this :)

That dress

I went to look at that dress, and it didn't fit. I was pretty bummed, and it was so cheap.

But at least I tried it on, as Serina was so determined in planting into my head. I got past that fear, and tried it, and it just didn't happen to work.

Jealousy

Last night I was feeling horrible about myself. I hated every other transgirl I knew and didn't know, and felt seering jealousy towards all that are where they want to be and make it seem easy. I was even jealous of someone who has had their Op, even though it's really not something I'm planning on having.

Today, I was thinking about it, and realised I'm really not jealous of them, I'm just angry at myself for stopping myself from doing the things I want to do.

There's a really nice black and red dress I've been seeing around, and every time I see it I run away because I'm afraid it won't suit me, or it won't fit, or just some random reason. Well, fuck you Fear. I'm going to the shop tomorrow and if it fits me, I'm getting it.

Even writing this has made a switch in my brain go from Angry Random Jealousy to Calm Self Contentedness.

The need to disclose

Sigh.

I've been talking to a guy on IRC a bit. He's local and likes fucking girls in the ass. Since I like getting fucked in the ass we bonded over it.

Since it's a text based chat, and I just said I'm female, he assumes, naturally, I have a vagina and all the normal girly parts. I don't think I'll ever meet this person at all, so is there a need to disclose my gender status to this man? I feel like I'm lying. But why?

And why do I feel this need to tell him that I really have a dick? I don't plan on meeting him, and I've only told him the truth about me...

This is just another thing to add to the list of things that make me insecure about having sex.

One and a half years later

Today, Serina and myself were out in the city, and bumped into someone we knew.

It was the person who gave me hormones, a year and a half ago. (Serina contacted this person who had a stockpile at the time, semantics). I just wish I was in girl mode at the time, to show her my progress.

She asked how the hormones were treating me, I said good, and then she rubbed my face and said "what's that?" with a smirk; I hadn't shaved in 3 days. I just said "Eh, it doesn't bother me much anymore" and she smiled and said "Good". Serina then said that I was some sort of genderqueer person, which I guess is true.

It was nice seeing her again. When I realised who she was I hugged her. I think I've spent enough time away from the older community, time to go back and see some old faces.

Attention seeking, pt2

I found a really cool blog called Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks.

It's pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. It's full of adorable transgirls at various stages of transition. I was rather inspired by this blog, and immediately wanted to be a part of it. So I submitted a picture.

After I had sent it in, I thought about the last time I shared my pictures online, and immedately became worried I had done it again!

But then I thought about it more, and realised it was different. Those other times, I got jealous of other girls getting attention, and wanted some for myself. This time, I just wanted to have my picture in this project.

Why, though?

I guess, in the picture I sent in, I'm happy with my looks, and don't care what others think.

Goodnight, cunt

The other day we got almost $200 worth of new kink gear. Turns out $200 doesn't go terribly far, but we got the vitals: 4 cuffs and LOTS of chain (and nipple clamps just to remove the human element). Unfortunately neither of us has been to the other's house since we got them, so they've been sitting in the corner for a few days.

Last night, out of the blue, Serina sent a long set of instructions on going to sleep. I was to cuff myself, restrain myself, and then tie my leash to the bed. I was excited, if a little nervous. I did have work the next day, and since it wipes me out I really needed a good sleep. But, I wanted to do it, and I could always take it off if it was a serious problem.

So, I got my bed ready for easy entry because I would not have much movement in the near future, turned the webcam on and followed her instructions. It was weird, but felt good. When I was finally ready to go to bed, and tied the leash on, I felt this amazing happiness wash over me. I was in my collar, in my cuffs, chained up, attached to the bed and about to go to sleep, being watched by Her.

I felt so safe, and secure, and happy, and comfortable. Sleep was not going to be a problem. It took a minute to get comfortable, and there were a few pinches of the cold chain, but they warmed up on my body quickly. Hugging my plush dead elephant Jane, I felt truly submissive. And almost like She was there holding onto me.

I don't know why. Just last night before I got ready, we were talking about her owning me, and we're both satisfied that being her slave would bring neither of us more happiness. But when this happens, I feel like I belong to her.

Every now and then when I'm sleeping with her, and she has her hand around my collar holding me in place, I snuggle into her harder and let out a hug sigh of contentment. That was the same feeling I had last night, just without Serina, and with a dead elephant.

Bottom heavy

Man. I got the coolest boots ever.

I'm not joking. They're sex that you can wear on your feet. What I love about them is the massive platforms, and just how confusingly unisex they are. Seriously, they look male by themselves but rock with a skirt OR jeans.

They're quite goth, and that's something I've wanted to try for ages now. Never had the balls til recently.

What makes them attractive is how bottom heavy they make me look, and how it looks on others. They have a real weight behind them as well, so you have to walk with purpose. They make me feel powerful. Confident. But also unquestionably feminine and somehow delicate.

I broke them in yesterday, and also went out in my lolita outfit. I felt so comfortable and confident, but also... pretty. Which is a big deal for me.

Serina and myself went to go get some kink toys, then we went into the city where I got to be seen by loooottttssss of people. I didn't feel weird at all. I just felt happy that I was standing out, and no one gave me one of those is that a guy or a girl? looks, just looks of what is she wearing???

Ahhhh. I definitely need more lolita clothes.

Exit Planet Dust

So... after several uncomfortable talks with my mother, it's pretty much agreed on that if I want to progress any further (with transition, social life, and just life in general) it can't be in her house.

She isn't kicking me out. We just had a talk, and I've kinda... reached the capacity living here can offer. I get money now, so living away from home isn't impossible anymore, financially. I want to transition more, but living here I'm under the constant threat of family, who don't know about me yet.

However, leaving home... that fills me with all sorts of fears and paranoia. My mother was very overprotective of me when I was growing up, and I was always super shy. This meant she wrapped me in cotton wool, and let me do nothing, like talk on the phone or order my own food at restaurants. I have a lot of anxieties about doing things for myself. A lot of them shouldn't be fears at my age, but they are.

I guess... just try to focus on what moving out will bring?

Whipping post

Today was quite fun. It was the first day in a looooong time that Serina has been really sadistic towards me. And I took it all, and rather enjoyed most of it.

We have a regular thing now, she basically plays with my nipples until I come. That takes a while, it hurts but feels oh so good at the same time, and she gets a small regular outlet for her sadistic urges. Today was much much more than that.

She got to my house while I was still asleep, and put my collar on me while I was still lying down and fairly groggy. I think that contributes to me feeling comfortable in the collar, and craving it sometimes. Then she climbed in with me and we snuggled while I woke up properly. We got up, I made some lunch for us, and kneeled next to her and ate. That is a big big big deal for me, my knees are horrible. I had a bad accident in high school that left both of my knees in very bad shape, but a few pillows on the ground and it seemed to work for a while.

After lunch, I went and got changed. Last week, I got some blue tights that were just barely too small, so I cut them and made thigh highs and wore them with a suspender and miniskirt. No shirt. And spent the rest of the day in this outfit, exposed and ready for fun. Serina seemed very happy with what I was wearing, she said she liked having access to my cock. Then we went into my room for a play.

After a very long session of me screaming my lungs out while she abused my nipples, we calmed down for a bit. Then we went out, and she sat me on a chair in the loungeroom and made me keep eye contact while she did horrible things to me again. It was.... intense, and hard, but I did it. And loved it. It was more than nipples this time. She hit me, scratched me, pinched, slapped, groped and even threw in some degradation. Then she lead me into the bedroom and we lied down for a very long time, while I tried to calm down a bit. At some point, my dog started barking to be let outside. I started to get up and was pushed back down, with Serina saying quietly "No, you've done enough for today"

I melted. I snuggled up to her a lot when she got back.

I think I'm really enjoying fitting back into the submissive role...

Television

It's quite an experience when someone who doesn't have cable TV enters a house that does have it.

Tonight my friend and his girlfriend came over for a while, neither of which has cable TV. I gave her free reign of the remote cos I don't care what's on TV anymore. A year ago I was hardcore into Discovery, but now I just hear about shows like Dexter and Breaking Bad, wait a year and then bulk download the whole series and shotgun it in a day. Tonight my friend's girlfriend cruised through the channels until she hit Lifestyle You. I didn't know we had that channel.

What was on was the weirdest show I've ever seen: Four Weddings.

It's a show about 4 brides who go to each others weddings and rate them out of 10, and the winner gets a free honeymoon. Can I just say, I get pissy with someone who doesn't like the same movies as me. These girls are merciless, and shallow, and just horrible.

One of the girls has a traditional Jewish wedding, with the little caps, in a cinagog, Jewish vows, and the groom doesn't get a ring. The 3 spectating girls went mental over everything, saying it was horrible and boring.

Did the purpose of weddings change in the last few years? Is it not a day to celebrate your love and devotion to another person where the woman gets to make all the decisions and to repay the husband for putting up with her during that time, he gets to fuck her in the butt?

While I don't really care for marriage, I understand that it's a huge deal for some people. I don't understand how a show like this exists? At the very least, I say kudos to these 4 women for letting 3 other people judge their wedding on their own terms. If you walk away from that without tears, you have thicker skin than I do.

The comfort in a collar

For the last few months it's been a regular thing for me to spend monday and tuesday nights at Serina's house. As our relationship has progressed and become more stable, I've taken to wearing a collar when I'm around her. I love it. It makes me feel safe and happy for some reason.

This last week I didn't go to her house, and until today I haven't seen her for about a week. Yesterday I was really missing the collar, so I got out an old one of mine and wore it around the house. It made me feel safe and happy again, but not as much as when I'm around Serina, so I took it off after a short while.

I told Serina that, and she melted on the spot. I don't know why, I guess I'm just unfathomably adorable.

She's coming over early tomorow because she'll be in the area. She left my collar here, and said I'm allowed to put it on myself before bed so I can sleep in it. I'm actually really really excited about that, even if it won't be with her.

Songs that fill me with energy

Ahhhh music. My first love.

Every now and then there comes those songs that fill me with amazing positive energy and leave me feeling charged long after they're finished. This is a list of them. This will be updated frequently and songs will be put in no significant order, just when I remember them.

Strange Times, by The Black Keys
Reptilia, by The Strokes
Smash, by The Offspring
Wreath of Barbs, by wumpscut
Bounce, by The Cab
Mountain song, by Jane's Addiction
I Feel You, by Placebo (covering Depeche Mode)
Pure Morning, by Placebo
Ich Will, by Rammstein

Odd cravings

A while ago I got my favourite skirt ever and a very nice top to go with it. They're very lolita and are the only two lolita clothes I have. I love them sooooo much and I want more lolita clothes.

I've only worn them out twice: the first time it did not get a good reception. The second time was to the movies with friends, and then straight home.

Every day I seem to take a lucky glance at them, and sigh heavily. I want to wear them out one day. On a nice day, with the sun out, where I'll be seen. It doesn't seem like such a big ask but the only day in the last 2 months that have fitted the bill I was too depressed to leave my room, let alone get dressed up and hit the town.

The day is coming. Soon...

Slowing to a hault

I haven't written anything here for ages, except that depressing thing I wrote yesterday.

Nothing has been happening though. No revelations, no self discovery, no gender issues... I kinda think it's a good thing, in a way. No news is good news, right?

I think why I haven't been writing here is because nothing has been solid lately. I think one thing and then change my mind instantly. I get happy about finally getting some money in, and then get sad for the same reason. I try to work on my voice and it doesn't work. That's a lie, I haven't tried to change my voice in about 5 months. It's too defeating. I think at around this time of night, "tomorrow I will wake up, psych myself up and then work on my voice" but it never happens. I can't even place why it's so defeating, but I hear a lot of people struggle with this.

I feel like I'm just meandering around right now.

My little dark cave

I'm not very happy today. I woke up after about 11 hours sleep, and stayed in bed for another 2 hours before getting up for a short while. Then I lost my temper with something and just went back to bed, which is where I'm writing this.

I had an argument with Serina. Or more like she threw words at me for an hour while I took it. Either way, it really threw me, because it came out of nowhere. It put me back into a place I haven't been for a very long time...

I get depressed occasionally. Not as often or as intense as I used to, but it happens. I used to spiral out for days at a time with no desire to do anything except sleep. I'm glad it hasn't happened again for so long, there is no part of that I missed. But it's how I feel now. I'm in bed, mum's out of the house which I would usually take advantage of with loud music and naked dancing, but I'm just in bed playing Rock Band and pretending I'm not starving and really need to pee because I don't want to leave my room.

I'm mostly confused. I don't really know what happened yesterday. When I said that she just threw words at me for an hour, I mean it. I tried to say things but she wasn't receptive. I still don't know why I didn't just leave. I even asked her what she wants me to do to change what was wrong, and she said "nothing". Well that's helpful. So I just spent the rest of the night with her pretending I was ok.

Part of me is scared that I let people have this effect on me. I thought I wasn't this far away from what I was earlier this year, but here I am, hiding away in my dark cave because of what she said and what she thinks. Before, I was too closed off. Now, I'm too exposed. I don't know where the middle ground is.

I think backing off for a while would be good, but to what end? Isn't this the point of being with someone? To open yourself up to someone?

Suicide

It's been a while since I've posted here, there's been nothing to write about lately.

There has been this annoying transwoman who added me on Facebook a while ago. All she talked about was being trans, so I humoured her after getting a negative result asking her about anything else. She badmouthed a close friend and got pissy with me when I asked her not to anymore. I don't really like her much.

Last week she posted on facebook that she tried to kill herself a few nights previously, and I was struck by how little I cared. It made me feel a little uneasy with myself, it should have been something I cared about, even a little. But I tried to put it in perspective with Serina's help: I didn't know this person, I didn't like this person, and if she told me she was doing it beforehand I would have tried to stop her.

That last part was put into practice about 10 minutes ago. She said on Facebook that she was going to kill herself so I started talking to her to talk her down. Basically, it didn't work.But I don't feel too bad. I really tried to help, and I guess I did care.

We'll see if she actually goes through with it though...

Learning experiences don't have to be world-shaking

I've been trying to write one of my usual long introspective posts on this, but it's just not coming. Which makes me realise I wasn't that emotionally involved. But, anyway, what I learned from my latest venture:

Submission should not be a chore in itself.

What I learned from trying makeup

The last few weeks have been devoted to learning how to put on makeup, the theory behind it, and finally the practice. What I learned from this experience is honestly not what I expected, as I only expected to learn how to put on makeup.

In short: I hate it, and hate wearing it.

It makes me feel heavy, and gross, and not myself.

I had a good teacher, who let me use her brushes and gave me tips as I went, and took me makeup shopping for some valuable things which I definitely see myself using often. But no matter what I did to myself, no matter how subtle, or how good my friend was when she took over, I disliked what I saw looking back in the mirror.

It made me think of what an older transwoman told me: It's about being happy with who you are. It just took me doing all of this to realise I didn't need it to be happy with my appearance.

My first kink event

What a strange night.

I got ready quite anxiously, and cut my lip really badly. First time I cut myself shaving and it's on a big night. There was a lot of blood, and it took up a lot of time. Mum had given me taxi money because she doesn't like me going out on public transport late at night in girl mode, so after I got ready and calmed down I called a taxi and was on my way to meet Serina.

The taxi drove off from my house, and we almost got run off the road instantly by someone who didn't notice a police road block going the opposite way.

However, that was the end of the disasters for the night. I wore a new goth lolita outfit I got for my birthday, thigh high stockings with a garter, some nice blue frilly undies and my awesome boots. I was quite happy with my outfit, but nervous because I'd never worn anything like that in public before.

The taxi arrived in one piece, I met Serina in the city and she said I looked amazing which made me feel great. There was a freezing wind blowing, and was blowing up my skirt onto my bare thighs and making me extremely cold.

We hopped onto a tram, got lost, found our way again, made our way into the place, and got lost inside as well. It was so cool, random benches with chains and restraints, some cages, a dance floor, smoke machines, coloured lights, a fireplace, and a distinct smell of weed in the outside area.

Eventually we found Denis and Liz. (side note: I must remember to ask them if they need anything before they tell me they need something). After getting Denis and Serrina a glass of water each, we had a little play. For someone who doesn't like leaving marks, he sure leaves a lot of marks. It turns out I love being watched during sex, or play sessions, because it was really exciting doing this in full view of anyone who walked by, and a fair few did. A lot of the people I saw looked awesome, and sexy, and weird, and pretty much the type of stuff I expected to find.

I was surprised at the small crowd. From the way Denis talks about the place, it was a regular hangout for a lot of  the U30's. None of them seemed to show up. I was looking forward to seeing some of them in their kinky best, but oh well, another time.

After a while Serina asked Denis if she could try what I call the gnarly hood, and be tied up. It was weeeeeeird seeing Denis work on someone else, but really cool. Then they played with her while I watched, and giggled at her screaming and growling at them.

We were only there for 4 hours, seemed like so much longer. I can't wait for the next event :D

The concept of knowing literally nothing on a subject

Ugh. I've been driving myself insane trying to figure out makeup. I'm close to just giving it up, but if by some miracle I get some kind of handle on it I might keep trying.

Here's the thing: I know fucking nothing about makeup. Nothing. I know you can get different colours, the basic concept of where eyeshadow and eyeliner goes, and I'm well acquainted with foundation because I wear that frequently to hide facial hair. That's pretty much it. It's been a frustrating experience trying to get help and advice with it all as well because everyone assumes knowledge. My friend seemed to be really surprised that I don't have "nautral colours", whatever they may be, and just have black. To me they seem pretty unjust in their reaction. I've told them many times I know nothing about it.

Everyone I've asked is like "ok well first you need to get this and this and this then do this and this and that's pretty much it". Woah woah woah, slow the fuck down. I told you I know nothing, why are you giving me a billion steps at once? This shit isn't simple, no matter how much you think it is.

The problem is it's intimidating. It's scary delving into a new world. These people who I'm asking have years of experience behind them, even if it's just doing the exact same simple eyeliner every day. But they still have years of doing that behind them, and seem to assume that other beginners are on an equal footing. Well, some aren't.

The easiest thing to compare it to is making a 5 year old skip first and second grade and move onto third. It's still basic stuff, right? Well, yes, but there's a few key things to learn in the first two grades. Things you learn there and only there that will make things in third grade make any sense. I don't mean "make it make more sense", I mean "make it make any sense".

I didn't even know what a "compact" was until 20 minutes ago. Maybe the fact I had to ask my main source is an indicator that I'm not even at grade 1, let alone 3.

Hero worship

Looking up to someone is dangerous. It skews your view of them, makes them seem different to how they really are. Larger than life. It's really rare that I find someone I look up to so much that they become my hero, so rare that it's only happened once.

When I was in high school, I was having a lot of trouble. Not just with school, with life. I was unhappy and just barely passing my classes. When I got to year 11, I got the option of doing multimedia. I really wanted to try some of that stuff for ages, so I gave it a go. I loved it, and picked it all up instantly. I also loved the teacher, he helped me learn so much in those two years until I graduated.

At his core, he was chaotic, and always full of positive re-enforcement. He was creative, brilliantly mad, and the first teacher of mine I could call a friend. He let me stay in the multimedia room after school, and left me to my own devices when I worked. I liked it that way. He was amazed at how fast I picked up Dreamweaver and Flash, and he even wanted me to help showcase what we can do during the schools open night.

He saved me. I was in a deep depression at the time, and he pulled me out of it. I was angry, and sad, and lonely. The work was inspiring to me, and he was a hugely positive element in my whole 2 final years of high school. My grades in other classes picked up, and I got happier.

He was a bit of a shady character too. He gave me a bottle of wine when I graduated, and my first drug experience for my 18th birthday.

Tonight I found out that he was having sex with a minor. That shattered my view of him. There's no way to sugar coat this. My only hero is a paedophile. He has a wife and two kids, all 3 of which I've met a few times.

He's in jail now, I guess. He may as well be dead to me.

First time trying on a corset

I've had so much kinky stuff here lately, time for something different.

Today Serina and I went to a nice gothic clothes store with the goal of spending some of my birthday money on a nice new outfit. I'd been in this shop before and seen a skirt I fell in love with, and went back hoping but not expecting it to still be there and in my size. Amazingly, it was still there and in my size. I immediately grab it and ask if I could try it on, and if I needed a peti with it. So, I went in and threw it all on with just my lame blue top I was wearing and it looked and felt amazing. It was so comfortable, and so light, and suited me, and fit me! The girls at the store said it looked great, but I clearly needed a top. So they rummage around for something in my size that would suit it.

Some were meh, some were great but didn't fit. Then they got this one out from the back. It was perfect. I looked at myself in the mirror for ages, thinking it was amazing. It was a big eye-opener for me. For ages, I've wanted to dress goth/lolita but thought it would never ever suit me or that I would find something in my size. Today shattered that belief and now has me wanting to throw out all of my old clothes and wear all goth all the time.

Serina's jaw hit the floor when I came out of the dressing room in this wide skirt and lolita top that fit me perfectly and matched and looked awesome. The girls at the store said I looked great too. Then something I wasn't expecting happened: I tried on a corset.

It felt amazing. Like, I can't even describe how it felt. It was tight in all the right ways, it was constricting, it was feminising. I felt attractive in it, and most of all I felt small. I felt skinny, and petite, and delicate. I wanted so bad to get it too, but I couldn't justify it.

I walked out of that store with a new outfit and a whole new outlook on how I wanted to look. I can't wait to show off what I got :D

Wall of sensation

Today was... amazing.

D, his girlfriend L, and Serina all came over to my house for some play and so Serina and myself could meet L, who is also dominant and apparently quite the sadist.

So, to reiterate: I'm sub, and I had 3 Dom/mes over for a play session. It was one of the most intense kink-related few hours of my life so far.

One of my fetishes that I've never been able to explore until now is being watched during sex, or in this case a session. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, having two pairs of eyes watch me, one of them belonging to a total stranger, the other belonging to my girlfriend. In fact, it was a day of many firsts; being flogged, vampire gloves, being watched, being double and eventually triple dommed...

It started out slow, with D using a flogger on me, showing Serina how to use one because she's never used one before. At some point she got her hands on some vampire gloves and scratched my back quite a lot. From that point on I seemingly always had at least 3 hands doing something to me.

I got a hood put on me, like usual, but since I was making too much noise I was gagged, and gagged hard. It was at this point that things started getting intense. It was a huge relief to me that D and Serina got along so well. I later found out they really gelled, and that L got in on the action more than I thought she did. At one point, I had all 3 of them going at me with vibrators, and shattered my old orgasm record taking it up to 9. It was crazy.

Telling my friend about it, I came up with a good description of the day. It was a wall of sensation. Pain. Pleasure. Adrenaline. Exhaustion. Confusion. And even panic, at the very end when a really gnarly hood turned out to be a little too much. I couldn't even think, which is really saying something. I couldn't even talk. All I could do was make sounds and take it.

When it was over, all I wanted to do was pass out and not wake up for a week. My legs still hurt, my jaw still has a bit of tension in it from the gag and I can't pee in a straight line. I wonder how I got so lucky.

Tit play

So, something really weird just happened. Something I didn't think would ever happen.

Serina and myself were watching TV when she got one of her urges to rip me to shreds and devour the corpse. She focused on my nipples. My very sensitive nipples. She bit them, pinched them, rolled them, squeezed... everything she could do with her bare hands (and teeth).

At first, it was sensual and intimate. Then it quickly escalated into painful territory... or at least where it would normally be. What I normally feel as pain was for some reason replaced by intense pleasure. It was unexpected. I'm used to moaning out in pain, close to safewording when she goes at it. But this time, I frequently found myself almost saying "more".

The pleasure only got more and more intense as she went on, skirting that fine line between pleasure and pain. For once it stayed on the side I'm more fond of.

Finally, she pushed me over the edge and I called out my safeword and she stopped immediately. I went catatonic for a minute, and felt totally weightless. Unreal.

After I regained some reality and my motor skills, I checked my pants to confirm what was a totally nonsensical thought at the time: I had just cum while she was doing this to me.

All she did was play with my nipples, and I came? Apparently. We should try this again one day.

Woof

Man. Puppy play is weird.

I'm not sure what gave me the idea, but I've been talking about it with my now-girlfriend Serina for a while, and we were both pretty into the idea. She wants a dog and I want to be a dog, so it works. We're pretty compatible like that.

So, after talking about it, she decided to get me a dog collar and train me how to be a dog. It was... bizarre. It was hard to get into it at first, but after a while I was kinda thinking like a dog. I remember one instance where I was tired of playing, and just laid down on the bed while Serina was doing something on her computer with my head in her lap. I don't know how long I was lying there, but I was pretty happy to just be there. Occasionally, I glanced up to see what she was doing, only to realise I didn't care at all and closed my eyes again.

She's told me a few times now that engaging me as a human, by talking, or me reading, would push me out of "dog mode" and she was right. The first time, I came out of dogmode because of a coughing fit. The second time, Serina accidentally poked me in the eye and pulled me out to make sure I was ok.

I tried eating from a dog dish. It didn't go very well, but I guess that will take time.

Fun experience overall. Want to do it again!

Scratches

I like to think of myself as a masochist in training. I have the capacity to enjoy pain, but it comes and goes how much I enjoy it.

I've been playing with my ex, who is a sadist, and we're taking things slow. It's nice to be back here, and we've almost resumed where we left off, but with a few major differences: The only one I care to mention is that it's not a 24/7 D/s relationship like it was before.

I've started to come around to seeing scratches she leaves on my arm as a positive thing, and really enjoy running my fingers over the raised skin. Sometimes, I find what she does to be almost beautiful.

I think the only part I don't like is the visible locations they're in, and only because I don't want my mother asking odd questions.

Outing

I'm not out to my extended family as trans or pansexual, and while some trans people would think that isn't a big deal, my extended family plays a large roll in my life. While I don't like them sometimes, they're a big part of my life.

I think I took the first steps to coming out to them, or at least some of them. I was seeing them on the weekend for my cousin's birthday, and another cousin of mine (who is 16) had a party the night before. Her mum was talking about a guy at the party who kissed other guys there, and I laughed because of the huge deal she made out of it. I can't understate how shocked she was about it, and would not drop it. After I laughed, she asked me if my friends do it and I said "Yeah I didn't think it was that rare" still giggling.

Then she said "have you?" And I said I had, then there was silence for a bit, and she asked why?

I just said cos I was drunk. But see, here's the thing, I seriously don't understand what the big deal is. Why can't a guy kiss other guys? Why can't a girl kiss another girl?

It's coming up on my birthday, and I don't think I could handle another year of cards addressed to my old name. Maybe it's time?

Vanilla

My friend told me she's seeing a guy who is "into whips and chains" but it's not her thing. She just does it sometimes for him. But it doesn't do it for her.

I hear kinky people say they don't do vanilla sex, and I've heard stories of really kinky people breaking up with amazing partners just because they're vanilla. Because it doesn't do it for them.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, the concept of vanilla versus kink. I've had a lot of vanilla sex, and a lot of kinky sex (or at least sexual acts with other people), but I haven't really thought about the difference and how they effect me. Nor have I really known why I prefer the kink, to take the submissive role in the bedroom.

There's also a word I keep coming across in relation to kink: Lifestyle. I used to think that people threw this word around a bit when it didn't fit. I used to see the "lifestyle" as being a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship in all aspects of life, but I've come to see it's not. It really is a lifestyle for pretty much all involved, including me. I don't think I could be with anyone who didn't like tying me up and calling a fucking whore, just like I couldn't be with someone who didn't see me as female.

Apparently I'm an It

On the way home last night, I passed by some drunk people.

They tried to get my attention, but I kept walking. They yelled at me to turn around, I kept walking. They swore at me, and I still kept walking (even though I wanted to run, but I knew that would make them chase me). One of them asked "Is that a guy or a girl?"
"I dunno... it's like.. a she-he.. it's an It"

They kept talking, but I was too far away by now to really hear any more. Man, people are dickheads. I split up from my friends right before this, maybe going everywhere alone is not a good idea anymore. I've been yelled at before, but this was the first time I actually felt threatened.

Searching for an angel

I've made a new friend. And by writing what I'm about to write, it's guaranteed I will never show her my blog.

She's... troubled. To put it lightly. I feel sad for her. This is potentially dangerous for me, I usually end up trying to save people like this. What's worse is that she seems to be reaching out to me. She opened up her soul to me when we met this week, and I listened, and hugged her.

I said she's reaching out to me. This isn't the first time that's happened. She's just the latest in a long line of people who chose me and me alone to open up to, to admit their addiction, their vices, their fetishes that would turn away anyone else, their mental state, their issues... whatever is negatively impacing these people on a deep level, they decide to share with me.

Why do people pick me, though? Am I really that understanding? I've known this person for a little over a week, yet she pours out her heart and soul to me on a whim. Once again, this is a regular thing for me, not only do people tell me their deepest darkest secrets, it's usually one of the first things they tell me.

It's a mystery to me. Maybe it's about some kind of unspoken I'll show you mine if you show me yours deal where we trade devastating secrets back and forth.Well I've made it clear no one is getting down that far into my head (again).

No doubt about it though, it's an effective way to really get to know someone. She'll be disappointed if she thinks anything will come of this though. I can't help her beyond being a shoulder to cry on occasionally.

Argh it's so blue!

Wednesday, I had someone over. I'm currently being considered by them to be their sub.

Since I don't like using names in my blog, I will just call them D from now on.

Even though I have been someone's sub before, it was under very different circumstance to how D operates. There is very little to compare, which is a bit strange to me. I didn't realise how different people's styles were in this regard, not that I thought it was all the same. I think part of it is (big surprise) a change in genders. Not my gender; theirs. D is the first man I've been with in a while, and the first male dom.

Not only that, I haven't submitted to anyone in a long time. It's easy to forget stuff when you have no need to know it. So, D said I should look it up, learn what I can. That's what I'm doing now. He also gave me some things to think about, which I'm pouring myself into.

Not really up to sharing the details of what happened when he was over, mostly because almost all of it is a blur I barely remember, but at the end I learned a valuable lesson. I was in a hood for probably an hour and a half, and of course the point of that is to not be able to see anything, among other things. Now, in my room I have strung up fairly lights. Blue ones, just to fit my colour scheme. They're not that bright, but when you've been in total darkness for a few hours, you might as well be staring at the sun when it comes off. It felt like the light pierced my brain and burnt through the back of my skull when the hood finally came off.

The lesson: No more blue fairy lights during a session.

Undies!

Man, what took me so long to get girls underwear?

I was out today with a new friend, who is trans and full-time female. We were joined by a ftm friend as well. We were sitting in my favourite park, and at one point the topic of underwear came up, and I said to them that I needed some girls undies, and they said "Sweet! Let's go!"

So we went to some places to get a bunch of different types, some fancy and skimpy, some just plain for everyday wear. Tried some on in a bathroom and showed them. So comfortable, I dunno what I was waiting for!

Second chance?

I'm pretty forgiving. I have a really long history with someone, even though I only knew her for half a year. We went through a lot.

They have contacted me again...

I'm not sure how to feel, or what to do. Should I tell them to fuck off? Should I talk it over with them? Should I reply at all?

What my mind keeps going back to is that it was the loss of a close friend, not a lover/Mistress. I do not want them back in that capacity, but we got along so well. It seems like such a shame to lose someone like that. She was one of the few people I could tell literally anything to. I don't expect it to go back to how it was, if I say I want to be friends again.

She contacted me to say sorry, and to explain what happened. She did not say that she wanted to see me again, but she said she won't even try to ask me something like that because she thinks I hate her guts. How strange, I thought she hated me all this time.

Do I want to be her friend again? Can I forgive her? After all the pain, and insecurity, and insanity, and lies I had to put up with?

The fact I don't know is very worrying...

Acceptable targets

Hanging out with someone who always speaks their mind is a strange experience for me.

We were talking about people we know, and poking innocent fun at them, but then it got really heavy. Talking about one guy's self-centred attitude, another's annoying speech patterns, another's problems with someone else... I called him on it a few times, but it kept going back to this really heavy shit.

I said to him, "I wonder what you say when I'm not around" and he said
"Nah, I don't say much. You don't have as many issues as those guys"

That kinda blew my mind. He went on to say how I'm well rounded and just overall more calm than the others. I'm not really sure why that means he can say these mean things about the others, maybe he can only make fun of people who are easy targets. But the way he said it made it sound like they were acceptable targets because of their issues.

Ultimately, what he said is harmless, but only because he didn't say it to them. Though, now I do wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. Probably something about how quiet I am. I don't give people much fodder for this stuff.

Mass Effect 2 log

Game completed. Fucking amazing. I think it's probably one of the best games I've ever played. The start was so jarring, after getting to know ME1's mechanics so well. I actually really liked some of the characters, so much so that I felt really sad when we found out about Tali's father, and Jack's history.

Time to complete: 27 hours.
Route: Female Full Paragon Vanguard
Aquired squad members: All 10
Loyal squad mebers: All 10

Surviving squad members: All 10
Relationship: None, I was going for a heartbroken about my ex asari lover being a bitch and broke my heart angle

Wait, 27 hours? What the fuck man. What game takes 27 hours to finish?

Going to replay ME1 again as male Renegade Shepard, then import and play ME2 following the same pattern. Will import my female Paragon Shepard for ME3 when it comes out. I like her voice (and ass)

Personality

I was talking to my friend tonight, he is also trans. He runs a trans youth group and does a very good job of it. We were talking about how to improve the group, and that lead on to talking about transsexualism on a level that I haven't touched on with most people.

I asked him a question, but before I say what it was I need to put it into context to understand the weight behind it.

If you're trans, it's so easy for it to consume your life. When you're starting out, it's all you think about. You just wonder, how will I make it? Even if you're aware of it this possibility, it's still possible to let it devour you. When you're a bit further along, you wonder about things to make you pass more. Even later, there's The Op to think about, having a relationship, work... Literally everything in life is centred around gender, that's why it's so easy for people to fall down this trap.

It's hard to get past that thought pattern once you've been there for so long. So you stay there. Ultimately, it's easy to become one of those trans people who can only talk about being trans, like they have no other personality trait. I've met loads of people like this, which is one reason I decided to get out of the community for a while. I've made a conscious effort to not end up like that, and so far so good.

Now, the question is what someone asked me, after saying what I just said above, and told me to keep it in the back of my mind:

What will you do after you transition?

How my body works

I have no idea.

It was probably 2 months into hrt that I masturbated for the first time. Holy shit. What happened was amazing, and unexpected. I felt it through my whole body. And then right afterwards, the afterglow I guess, just made me warm for ages. So of course I made it a regular thing again. Not as often as I used to though. Every 4 or so days, until I was on orgasm restriction a month later anyway.
What I've noticed in the last year is how hard it is to actually orgasm now. I've since gotten over masturbating regularly and now do it when the mood strikes me, which isn't very often. I tried this morning, and even though I was really horny it took ages to actually finish. It still felt amazing, but it was harder to get there. It's going to get harder to get there as time goes on, which is just one of the many changes hrt has.

Counter-productive

My gaming to-do list just took a huge step in the wrong direction, with me buying Crysis (it was $4! How could I possibly resist!) and Mass Effect 2 (it was $10!)

I mostly bought Crysis out of curiosity. When it came out it was the best graphics everrrrrr and needed to be run on some kind of amazing computer from the distant future. Fortunately for me I have a computer that is from the present and thus, from Crysis' perspective, a future-computer.

And Mass Effect 2, well, how could I turn that baby down?

New home

My online home for the last 6 years is pretty much dead to me now. The only people who are left hold no appeal to me. This is a place that kept me sane when I was feeling lonely and crazy. It got me in touch with people I had things in common with, rather than people I was forced to see everyday at school. And now it's meaningless to me. I'm only still there because of the memories it holds. But even those are starting to feel meaningless. I've been phasing myself out of the place for a few months.

At the same time, I see my friendship with my best friend decaying in front of my eyes, and he does too, but there isn't much we can do about it. Our lives are changing in very different ways, and what little that brought us together doesn't seem like enough to hold us together. We're still friends, no doubt, but we're not as close as we used to be. It's sad, but I guess it's just a natural progression.

It's rather symbolic that these two things are happening around the same time, because we met on that site. This, combined with the fact I hate where I physically live, right now I feel like I have no where to call a home. So what now?

Find another one? Make another one? Opt to not have one?

This is new territory for me, and I don't think I like it much...

False anxiety/experimentation

I get most of my anxiety from my mother. Until recently I thought it was just how I am. On the first night I went out in girl mode I met an amazing transwoman who said she could tell that under my shy exterior was someone with confidence waiting to burst out. I thought she was talking out of her ass to be honest, but it's actually kinda true.
A lot of events and my general attitude have lead me to believe that it's mostly my mother's influence on me which created this anxiety. I won't get into details but the more I think about it and specific events I realise she is very much a nervous and anxious person.

I call what I have false anxiety, because it doesn't belong to me. It was handed to me. I have the anxiety without recalling an event that caused it. Granted, I was shy when I was growing up, but aren't a lot of kids?

This isn't all bad. At least I'm aware of it, and for the last year or so my motto has been Be terrified, do it anyway and it seems to be working out pretty well. It might never really go away, but I'm determined to stop it being a force in my life.

I met someone I had been talking to online for a short while recently, someone who reads my blog here. He mentioned my anxiety about a recent event and I told him to just pretend my anxiety doesn't exist because it's the only way it will go away. It's like Freddy Kruger: the more power you give it the more it will haunt you. I don't want to give it power, which is why I like hanging out with people who don't know about it because to them, it doesn't exist in me. If people know about it they account for it and give me permission to use it as an excuse, which I do too often to be healthy.

Over the last year I've been determined to try new things and expand my comfort zone. What's the only way to expand your comfort zone? Catapult yourself out of your small one and into new lands to be conquered. Amazingly, I've had positive results (mostly). This has lead to me wanting to try new things. Things I've never even heard of or imagined.

It's cool what happens when you just let go of the fear for even half a second.

One year, pt2

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day I started taking hormones (I call it my tranniversary)

I spent the day in the city with 10 friends, doing a photo scavenger hunt I organised. Everyone seemed to love it! The only thing I wasn't happy with was that 3 really good friends canceled last minute. They're notorious for canceling on me. It looked like they'd actually be coming to it, then last minute they say they can't make it. Disappointing. But besides that, the day went really well.

Then last night was a fundraiser a trans youth group I've been a part of for a while. It was awesome. Everyone looked amazing, and even I dressed it up a bit.

Everyone I knew wished me a happy tranniversary, which was so nice. But then friends gave me gifts! Is this normal? I got some new nail polish from two friends, and I can't wait to try it cos apparently it does something special. And then some other friends came over with two wrapped gifts... how mysterious. One was a mirror, with a really long and really sweet note on the back. I have no idea how she writes so beautifully, it made me cry a bit. The other was a new hairbrush with my name on the back. I spent most of the night with the person who gave me the mirror, who had her arm around me.

After heaps of drag shows there were speeches from the 3 organisers who make the group possible. Hearing what they had to say, and then what the host of the night had to say about the group (she is also trans) made me realise how fucking amazing this is. Not that I didn't get it before, but it's pretty special. 3 years ago when I was looking for a trans group to talk to and meet people, there was pretty much nothing at all. I emailed probably a dozen places, and most just sent back a copy/paste message that directed me to somewhere else. It was not good. And then, when I finally manage to get to a group, it's totally alienating. Everyone was way older than me and it wasn't a very welcoming environment for someone just starting out.

But now, there's us! And I'm quite proud to be here.

When I got home, I just wondered how the hell I'd made all these amazing friends.

Understanding in the weridest places

I was clothes shopping today. I hadn't shaved in probably 2 days and was buying girls clothes. I seem to have a pretty feminine figure that shines through the guys clothes I was wearing as well, because no one looked at me funny.

But this bit made my day.

I went to the fitting rooms with a pile of girls clothes, and the lady looked at me and was like "... which side do you want to go?" pointing to the male and female sides.

I did a little happy dance when I got into the change rooms :D

My dick

I know what genitals I have. I also know what gender I identify as. But for most people, the fact that I don't hate my bits doesn't make sense.

I do go through phases where I can't stand looking at the thing, but that mostly has to do with dysphoria already being triggered by something else (like no boobs or too much body hair) but that doesn't happen very often to begin with. Here's where it gets interesting though.

Before hrt, it used to bother me. I hated it a lot. I couldn't wait to get The Op. But over the last year as I've been settling into my body I've come to accept it and even grow to like it a bit. It's fun to play with, and easy to hide.

Here's where it gets a little bit meta: I feel bad for not hating it.

In some ways it makes me feel "less trans" than others. Not that I talk about my genitals very often, but I'm almost worried about people finding this out. Obviously not too worried, since I'm writing this, but I don't think I've even met another non-op transgirl. I've heard of a few online in other countries, but every transgirl and woman I've met has either had The Op or is planning to have The Op.

Here's the big downside to me accepting my genitals: everyone else.

I'm well aware that there are people who would never accept me as female if I still have what I have. That doesn't really give me much hope, but it doesn't crush my spirits either. It's unfortunate, but I know there are people out there who don't worry about what's between your legs, and prefer what's between your ears.

Hiding

I am good at hiding my desires and urges. I rarely let them show, and if I do, it's in a harmless way, like a joke. That's mostly me testing the waters. But beyond that, I hide a lot. There's only one person in the world who knows pretty much everything about me, and that has a lot to do with the fact he doesn't even live in this state. Before I came out to mum, she had no idea that I was trans, or was bi/pan, or that I'd even had sex. That's a lot to keep hidden.

Being in the closet about everything made me good at hiding other things. But the problem is I almost never let my guard down about anything. I'm too scared to. That's mostly why I made this blog, to get used to the idea of not needing to censor myself. To run free. To write down what I actually think and want.

I told this to a friend, and he said that you don't need to let everyone around you know everything about you. I know that, but it's not what I mean. I mean, it's hard to open up in any capacity. For example, I saw a drag queen perform who really caught my attention. My friend asked me what I liked about her, and I said I don't know. That was a lie. I knew. I still remember. She was wearing a short dress, corset, nice tats, pretended to do a line of coke and then rolled around on the floor to a pop-industrial song I love.

The good part is I'm aware of this, and how much it sucks. I've lost some really good opportunities by being shy about these things. I just need a way to snap out of it. Practice makes perfect I suppose.

One year, pt1

A week from now marks one whole year on hrt. That means that today marks it being a year since I met my ex. The same ex who got me on hormones, taught me about lifestyle D/s first-hand and made me a confused mess for 5 months.

What happened is a bit of a mixed bag. If you were looking in from the outside, it was mostly all negative. But I think it's what I needed at the time. I'll spare the details about everything, because I'll be here all day typing, and frankly I don't want to remember some of the things that happened, much less cement them in writing. So, here's a summary of what I got out of the situation:

Playing with hormones makes you insane.
Leaning on someone is not weakness.
Polyamorous relationships only works with communication. Or more accurately: They don't work without much communication.
Avoid compulsive liars.
Listen to your friends, especially your best friend. (aka bros before hos)
Don't emulate people in an effort to change yourself. Especially when those people are in a worse place than you were before you met them.
Substance abuse doesn't just mean being addicted to drugs or alcohol, and just how bad it can be.
Anger is sometimes a healthy thing to express, as much as I hate it.
The trans community is a small world, and if you like it there, don't do something monumentally stupid with someone. You will see them again.
The difference between abuse and D/s.

Like I said, it seems mostly negative, but it was needed. I've learned from it, I've grown since and I like to think I'm a better person because of what happened. And as much as I hate her now, I still remember the good times, like when I was really sad about a friend and she came to get me, or when we just sat in my room listening to music in the dark talking about things.

The most important thing I learned from this experience: When the bad overwhelms the good in all ways, don't talk yourself into believing the good outshines the bad.

Gaining womanhood, or just gaining some humanity?

Today I was out on a rather nice sunny day. It was great! And I usually hate the sun, so whenever I actually like it I try to take as much of it in as I can. Since I had an unknown amount of time on my hands, as I was meeting someone who was going to be late but didn't know how late, I decided to go to the park near the Imax to take photos for my little art project. Then I got distracted by the playground with the swings!

I wondered over to them in the middle of a surprisingly busy playground and got on and started swinging. Then some kids came over, and I guess since one of them saw how much of an expert swinger I am (that's a good line, must remember for later) he asked "can you push me?"

So, amazingly, I got off my swing and gave him a push. I fucking hate kids, but there was something about today that made me tolerate them. It was fun. I taught him how to swing better (wow, now the context of that earlier line makes me feel like a pedo) and then I got back on my swing for a bit, then wondered off to play Pokemon under a tree until I eventually got a message from who I was going to meet.

Now... I've been wondering, is it the hormones that's made me hate kids less, or is it just that I'm a happier person than I used to be?

It takes a lot to offend me

Tonight I was out at a gathering for a genderqueer group. It's great, everyone's really nice and we're all friends... but there's someone new there who rubs everyone the wrong way.

They're new to the whole trans thing, so of course we're understanding about them mixing pronouns and such, but they ask some really invasive questions all the time. Until tonight they've just been a little bit annoying to me.

They were in overdrive with their questions, relentless and obsessive. Constantly asking about someone who was there two months ago that none of us really remember because it was their first time, asking if they were trans and born male or female... The host just kept their cool and answered the other person's questions and asked why it mattered how this person identified but the questions kept coming.

On the way out when everyone had left, they cornered me and asked me questions. I'm an open person, I'll answer peoples questions if they ask tactfully and are genuinely curious. But this person crossed a line with me tonight. They asked if I felt my name was appropriate, because it's unisex. And not in a "oh, don't you feel weird having a unisex name when you're transsexual?" way, a kind of way where they were judging me very hard. I flat what'd so hard, and a friend who was watching was offended as well. They asked if I was sure I wanted the name I have, and asked again after I said yes.

What could possess someone to ask a thing like that if they're apparently trans as well?

I hate going to new places

Today I had a very... well, I don't want to call it bad but it wasn't a very good experience either. It was detinitely negative. But it reminded me of other experiences I've had.

Today's experience: Meeting a bunch of kinksters at a bowling alley for the first time. After a huge drama involving about 500 Asian students taking over the place, I finally find who I'm meant to meet with but there were awkward turtles everywhere because I'm terrible at conversation with people I barely know, and I had just met about 12 at once. So, I faked it and watched a few people bowl instead of doing what I normally do (which is enter dear-in-headlights mode and do nothing) and talked to some of them. So at least I'm making progress. I mostly went to meet a certain individual, but he was super late and I was really eager to leave the turtles and go meet a friend somewhere I was comfortable so I never ended up meeting him. I was extremely frustrated at this because it feels like I launched myself wayyyy out of my comfort zone for nothing.

Last year I went to a social group for trans people not long after I had come out. I went, I knew no one at all, awkward turtles everywhere, I decided if I was just going to sit in a corner and be awkward I may as well do that at home, so I left early.

It's not that I'm awkward that's the problem, it's that it makes me angry at myself. I can't even put into words how much I hate myself when I feel really awkward around new people, I just want to scream at myself and hurt myself.

I touched on it a minute ago though. The event today and the event at the trans group made me so angry because it was for nothing. I didn't make any new friends, I didn't have a good time and it got in the way of doing something else I wanted to do. I'm just eternally frustrated at myself and how I relate to people.

Maybe I should just accept that this is how it happens when you're in a new place and nothing can change that, short of being the most charismatic person in the universe.

Go home to scream at the walls

I showed a friend my blog here. He said he didn't know I felt the way that I do. He said he thought I seriously didn't care what others thought, and that I just knew I was the shit. Self assured. Then he said that it was nice to know that I have these insecurities, because I guess I don't show them very often.

Which made me think about how people see other people. I can look at a transgirl a year older than I am and who is further along in transition and think, wow this person is amazing and awesome and infallible. It's easy to think that about pretty much everyone though, isn't it? Especially when you feel so insecure yourself. You think people around you are so much better than you because they don't have whatever problems you're dealing with. But the thing with that is that they're looking at everyone around them and thinking the same.

I am insanely insecure. I'm shy. I'm awkward. I get embarassed easy. I hate being the centre of attention. I always feel like I'll fuck up everything I do. I get stressed from tiny things. I go home and feel crazy and scream at the walls. But I try to seem like nothing bothers me. I try to act like everyone else so I might hope to fit in. I try really hard. It's nice knowing the act is working, but it's nicer knowing that my friend benefited in some way to knowing about the act. It's like seeing behind the stage at a play I guess, the suspension of disbelief is cracked and you get to see how the final result came to be when you see behind the scenes.

The thing about this is that I knew everyone has insecurities. I can spot them in a lot of people, and people can probably spot a few of mine. I suppose we get so caught up in the front-end and how we appear to people we neglect the back-end. People get so hooked on how they appear to others they rarely notice how others appear beyond the surface.

I'm weak

I was helping my uncle move some heavy stuff today. It was so hard struggling through what I used to do with minimal effort. I am so amazingly tired. Muscle loss has hit me really hard. It's almost been a year of hrt, I guess if I didn't have this happen something would be wrong.

It's kinda scary to me to be so weak. I used to be so strong. I used to be able to lift heavy stuff all by myself for hours and hours. Now I struggle. It's a scary contrast. It's just one of the huge changes that kinda happen gradually. It's what I want though, so it's not like this is scary because I didn't want it to happen.

I guess it's just something I need to get used to. I wonder if helping my uncle with labour like this would stop I were out to him.

Absolute neutral

There has been a surge of drama in a friend circle, mostly about one person. I don't like drama, or negativity like that. It decays everyone and puts a sour note into everything. I stayed out of it for the most part, and what little I did have to say I like to think was objectionable and rational. Whenever drama arises I just sit on the sidelines and watch, occasionally stopping someone from doing something they might regret if it comes to that. But being involved in drama? It's not my thing. The last drama I was involved in almost lost me my closest friend.

It makes me think about how I am most of the time. Indecisive and indifferent to most things. I don't even like it when I express opinions, mostly negative ones. Lately I seem to be level-headed and more what I want: neutral.

It's how I feel most of the time, even with my gender identity. While I don't really identify as genderqueer I don't really see myself as totally female, but rather a combination of male and female to make some kind of "both and neither" person. Maybe that is genderqueer, but I prefer gender fluid personally. If there's even a difference.

I just want people to get along, or at least realise that people are just going to be different and there's nothing you can do to change that. I hate hostility within groups, and built-up bottled-up hostility. I guess people will just be determined to not get along in some capacity. I don't mind. Just don't drag me into fights expecting me to take a side. Because I won't. I'm on my side.

Time for a new piercing

Yeahhh. A year of hrt is a milestone, and I celebrated my 3 months by getting my ear pierced. It helped me get over my needle phobia and I feel like it was a nice acknowledgement of the event. I'll probably just get one on the same ear above the 3-month one. After this I don't know if I'm going to get more hrt related piercings. I probably will for other trans-related milestones though. If I ever get The Op I think it would be a little overkill to get one acknowledging that, as it's basically a piercing all in itself. But maybe orchi? Maybe when I train my voice? I like having mementoes.

All of my piercings have meaning. So far, I have (in order) tongue, labret, left ear (2), right ear industrial.
My tongue and labret are there to remind me of someone who was very close and very special to me.
My left ear is there for 3 months hrt. It's also there to remind me of some things someone taught me.
My industrial is there to remind me to not let my fears stop me from doing what I want, and to remind me that needles won't kill me.
My other left earring is to remind me I'm loved.

I love piercings, and talking about them with people. I don't know if I'll ever get a tattoo, it's too permanent for my liking.

Mass Effect log pt2

I finished the game :\ I don't get it, I thought it was supposed to be long and deep and massive, but I finished it in about 25 hours.

Ok, let's reassess that sentence so I can maybe get a better appreciation of the scope. Most mainstream games are built to last, what? 12 hours? 10? 5? I guess I'm too used to endless games that are meant to be repetitive (TF2 and CS:S). 25 hours is a pretty good length. I was just expecting more I guess, cos I did a lot of side quests.

Ah well, final stats:
Female Soldier
Paragon
Love interest was Liara
Main party members were Garrus and Liara
Level 35 I think, I stopped checking after 27

Now, I can either try to justify the $40 for Mass Effect 2, or I can work on another game on my to-do list. I think I'll play the Oddworld series next.

Last night I went out to a bar I love. It hosts weekly drag shows and only drag kings on friday nights. I usually take my toy octopus Ralph there and rest him on my head. He takes away a lot of my people-related anxiety, because if I have him on my head and people stare, they're looking at him. If I don't have him on my head and people stare, they're looking at me. But it's also a nice way to meet people, it's surprising how approachable someone becomes when they have a plush octopus on their head. He has since evolved beyond a security blanket and more of a mascot.

On friday when we went in, the drag host was working the door. He asked where Ralph was, which was a bit weird because I don't think I've had a conversation with him before. But whatever, I always have Ralph with me, and I go there a lot. Then when he went on stage he plugged the trans group I go to and said that we have a few people from the group in here tonight, mentioned my friend and then me. That was weird. He knew my name?

The same thing happened last night, I went to the bar for a drink and he was there and said "Hey Bailey"

It's so weird for this to happen to me. To be a regular somewhere that isn't Subway. I used to hate bars, but now I've found one where I'm comfortable and that's nearby.

This also extends into the subcommunity I've found myself in. Finding trans and queer people my age was the best thing I could have done. I love my new friends. They make me feel so comfortable with myself and I love the fact that everyone seems to know each other. I never thought I'd be able to find a group of people like this, let alone be welcomed into one.

I must make a conscious effort to not make a dick of myself from now on.

Song 30/30

See the 30/30 Challenge here!

:( Last one.

Song 30: Your favourite song this time last year.
Take a Picture, by Filter.

Easy song to pick, I was obsessed with this song for a long time. I started listening to it for mildly nostalgic reasons, this was "one of those songs you know but don't know the name of" to me, the riff and the singer's soft "I feel like a newborn" in the chorus was fairly popular in movies and TV when I was younger, at least it seemed to be. When I got over the nostalgia value, I noticed just how beautiful the song is. I've talked about perfect songs before, and to me, this is one of them.

It's rather bizarre that I love this song so much. I usually like music for it's lyrical content over the music, but the lyrics don't resonate with me much at all. It's about the lead singer getting drunk on a plane (awake on my airplane) and taking off all his clothes (my skin is bare) while people took photos (my skin is theirs / take a picture), and apparently his dad was disappointed (hey dad what do you think about your son now?). I find the way he sings it in combination with the accoustic guitar just amazing, it's so smooth and articulated and it just captures me.

Song 29/30

See the 30/30 Challenge here!

Song 29: A song from your childhood.

Here we go. Another easy one. I saw this one last week and have been looking forward to it for a long time. One of the few songs that reminds me of actual happy times from childhood, like playing with friends at school. In a way, this shaped my love of music, because this is by my first favourite band and a band I still take quite a lot of inspiration from. I still don't know what fly means, but whatever, Pretty Fly For a White Guy, by The Offspring, remains one of my favourite songs and always reminds me of my childhood.

One song left...

Song 28/30

See the 30/30 Challenge here!

Song 28: A song that makes you feel guilty.

It never gets old, huh?

Harking back to my least favourite song, this song makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm not living life to its fullest. There is so much to experience, so much to learn, to see, to feel, and I'm not doing it, nor am I making progress towards doing it. While this song is amazing and inspirational, it also shows me how much wasted potential I have, and indeed what most people have. I look at my family and I think is this it? Is this all they want? A normal relationship, kids, a home? There's no excitement there, not for me anyway. I want to explore the world, myself, other people, expand my mind in every possible way and maybe some impossible ways too.

The world is just awesome. It's a huge, inspirational, random, fascinating, unbelievable, mysterious, growing, scary, intimidating, amazing, beautiful world out there and I want to experience it for myself.

Song 27/30

See the 30/30 Challenge here!

Song 27: A song you wish you could play.

I just want to learn how to play lots of music, various styles and skill levels. There is no one absolute song. However, to get completely ahead of myself and into a realm I can only imagine, I would love to be able to play The Dance of Eternity, by Dream Theater, on bass.

Man, only 3 left...

Mass Effect log

I've finally got into Mass Effect. There was a lot of issues with my computer overheating while playing it, various blue screens and just straight up confusion on what exactly was going on, but it's all fixed by moving the computer to where it can breathe, changing some settings and paying a lot more attention, respectively.

I'm going the Paragon route, I made a female character and called her Ylatch. Currently on lvl27 I think and I'm a Soldier, my main party members are Garrus and Liara, Liara also being my main love interest. Mono-gendered blue alien with tentacle hair? How could I possibly resist?

I just had Wrex killed :( I'm actually really sad about that too, but I mustn't have high enough exp in one area cos I couldn't work through it with him, and he was about to kill me. I have also sent Kaidan to his death on the same planet, he was my love interest until I found Liara. I sent him away to prove my undying love for Liara :)

I am wondering if I'll get a new krogan, because well... there's a big black field on my party screen now.

RIP Wrex

Songs 25 + 26/30

I didn't do yesterday's song, I was distracted by things...

See the 30/30 Challenge here!

Song 25: A song that makes you laugh.

Man, my friend put me onto Tim Minchin. I knew about him already, but I never bothered to look him up more. He showed me Storm, which is very clever and has amazing delivery. Well, it's actually a beat poem but whatever, it's close enough to a song to be called a song.

Song 26: A song you can play on an instrument.

Well well well... I used to play the violin, then when I went to high school I learned the tenor saxophone. At the time, I was obsessed with the muppets and I saw the older school band perform The Muppet Show theme song and asked for the sheet music so I could play it. I didn't practice much but I was still pretty ok at the sax. The sax teacher didn't give me the music because I didn't practice much, so I struck a deal. I'd practice more, and if I showed noticable improvement he'd give me the sheet music for The Muppet Show. I practiced my ass off for 3 weeks, 2 to 5 hours a night except weekends, and proved it by showing a big improvement. He kept his end of the deal and gave me the sheet music. It was fucking awesome, since I already knew the tune I picked it up and could play half of it flawlessly in half an hours' practice.

Caring vs not caring

I had this thought while waking up.

People who dress differently apparently don't care what others think of them. I've slowly becoming more feminine in my male appearance, so I guess that means I don't care what others think, right? Fuck the establishment and all that.

Well, maybe not. I love being "mistaken" for female when in boy mode, so I take every opportunity I can to make sure that mistake happens, sans wearing a skirt. If I didn't care what people thought I would just dress like a normal masculine guy while in boy mode. Yet I dress fem. I say I don't care what others think, but I guess that's not true, I want to be seen as female, as who I am.

I care what people think. I want them to think female when they see me.

I guess this also means that I care about myself a bit more to actually dress so fem in boy mode. Or maybe I'm just brave enough now. Fem guys tend to stand out a bit, so obviously I draw some attention by having hair half way down my back, blue nails, girls hoodie and girls jeans. Writing that out just made me realise how fucking little there is between girl/boy for me lately.

I suppose it comes down to what kind of attention, because there is more than just gender-stereotyping attention people get. Granted, there's a whole mental checklist people go through when they see someone new, with what gender is that person pretty much at the top, but then once that's over there's a whole list of stuff to follow: What race are they? Are they attractive? Do they look like a nice person? Should I carry a knife from now on?

I dunno, I do care what people think, otherwise I wouldn't look this way when in boy mode. I guess it's just a positive way to care, and it's not like others dictate my dress sense... even though they do because feminine is a hypothetical construct made by people and to be seen as "different" you have to have something to be different from, and usually that thing is established by others...

Did I mention I had this thought while waking up?