Go home to scream at the walls

I showed a friend my blog here. He said he didn't know I felt the way that I do. He said he thought I seriously didn't care what others thought, and that I just knew I was the shit. Self assured. Then he said that it was nice to know that I have these insecurities, because I guess I don't show them very often.

Which made me think about how people see other people. I can look at a transgirl a year older than I am and who is further along in transition and think, wow this person is amazing and awesome and infallible. It's easy to think that about pretty much everyone though, isn't it? Especially when you feel so insecure yourself. You think people around you are so much better than you because they don't have whatever problems you're dealing with. But the thing with that is that they're looking at everyone around them and thinking the same.

I am insanely insecure. I'm shy. I'm awkward. I get embarassed easy. I hate being the centre of attention. I always feel like I'll fuck up everything I do. I get stressed from tiny things. I go home and feel crazy and scream at the walls. But I try to seem like nothing bothers me. I try to act like everyone else so I might hope to fit in. I try really hard. It's nice knowing the act is working, but it's nicer knowing that my friend benefited in some way to knowing about the act. It's like seeing behind the stage at a play I guess, the suspension of disbelief is cracked and you get to see how the final result came to be when you see behind the scenes.

The thing about this is that I knew everyone has insecurities. I can spot them in a lot of people, and people can probably spot a few of mine. I suppose we get so caught up in the front-end and how we appear to people we neglect the back-end. People get so hooked on how they appear to others they rarely notice how others appear beyond the surface.