Why latex

I've had a massive latex fetish for a while now. I don't really remember a time when it wasn't a turn on, either sexually or emotionally. Like it made sense on more than one level.

I'm sitting here with a latex hood on, and it's been on for a few hours by now. It's so nice, and despite being a size too small for my fat head, it's extremely comforting. I feel comfortable in it, and it only just hit me why.

I get overstimulated easily, and most of it feels like it's coming in through my head, which is why I'm kinda fussy about people touching my face and when I'm ok with kissing people. That, on top of the auditory stimulation, wears me down and makes it very hard for me to be out in loud environments and still be social.

The hood makes everything muted; it's like the world gets it's volume turned down. My hair doesn't bother me, there's latex over my ears so sounds have their edge taken off and there's a layer between my skin and peoples' touch. This makes me feel very internal, contained and safe. It makes me feel disconnected with the outside world, and able to approach it on my own terms.

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

Lines and limits

Today I was tested.

One of the people who let me down a while ago was over, and we played, and it was fun. I checked with my potential Master, and he said sure fine have fun. After it was over, and she went home, and I got online, I told him that we would like to make it a regular thing, and he said he had problems with that. In short, he doesn't like open poly type deals, just within his circle, his family. Which I can respect, and understand the appeal of.

He also understands my perspective, and we pretty much agreed that this wasn't going to work, and that was that. No hard feelings, no anger, he just said "it's beset to be open and honest".

I've never had this happen before. All previous breakups of any kind have been a complete mess of tears and confusion. I was looking forward to pursuing this with him, but this is a real and valid reason a relationship can't work. I enjoy (at least the idea of) playing and having sex with multiple people, and he doesn't agree with that.

I never thought I'd draw a line in the sand and stick to it. I was tempted to pretend this part of me didn't exist, but maybe I'm growing up or something, because after 20 minutes of really thinking about it I realised I couldn't do that.

No faith

I don't trust anyone to stay around me. I'm used to spending so much time alone that I almost regret inviting others into my life. I believe that everyone will abandon ship at the first opportunity, and it's happened a few times.

This is why it's hard for me to form new relationships. I'm staring down the barrel of something I want, and I almost called it off the other day because I believed it was only a matter of time that he would decide he didn't want me, and I would just make things easier if I stopped things now. I had something to tell him, and I was worried about how he'd react. I had already made the decision for him, deciding that what I had to say was too much trouble.

I was ready for the worst... and I didn't get it. Quite the opposite. I got a very good reaction. I was stunned, I was genuinely expecting him to tell me to go away. But he didn't. He wants to continue, and see where this goes. I've yet to meet him, but I think we may finally meet face to face this weekend.

He wants to see inside my head, and he makes me feel comfortable while I dig parts out for him. I call him Master, now. Had trouble believing that word would be part of my regular vocabulary.

Savour

I'm writing this with the total awareness that it's not even been a week.

Things have gotten interesting. I'm currently under consideration by a Dom, which is a nice feeling. He has some rules in place already, and while they barely impact me at the moment, I'm taking them seriously, to show him I'm genuine, and want this, and understand what this is.

Right now, it's a morsel of it all, which is normal and fine and cool. But it tastes oh so sweet.

Feast or famine

Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for more crashes, but things have been looking up in my personal life. It's rather confusing to me, I've got 3 people vocally interested, in vastly different capacities, and what makes me happy is that they don't conflict with each other, so I don't have to decide what to do, because I can just do it all.

It's rather obscene, really. I guess this is just what happens when you take time off from the world and just look at yourself, and work on yourself. After all, I am in a type of recovery. I have things to look forward to outside of these people, I'm on the radio and doing quite a lot with it, I do stuff with my group...

But once burned, twice shy. I'll see when I get there, really. I hope things work out for once.

Genuine positivity

I keep a diary, one apart from this blog. It's where I dump my crazy, whereas here is where I focus more on ideas and revelations. It's basically Unfiltered Ylatch, where I don't force myself to be positive or happy or even write with a purpose. It's just where I write what's on my mind, even if I've written it a thousand times before, even if it's depressing, even if it's a half finished thought.

Last night I was writing in it, moaning about wanting more kink in my life, when I wrote something amazingly positive and it only hit me well after I'd written it. I wrote a personal ad, after Serina suggested it, and I did it after a lot of stress, because I can't even begin to sell myself.

Unless it's an extremely slow boil, I got no hits. What I wrote about it was "at least I got practice in to actually say what I want". Which is true, it was good practice, especially for someone who doesn't ever really see good in themselves, or anything anyone else would want. I'm not even disappointed about the ad, because they never work anyway.

I keep flipflopping in my mental state and confidence. Tomorrow night a kink event is on that I've been invited to, but the closer it gets the less I want to go. At this point it doesn't even matter if I like the event or not, because I just need to get the confidence up, to show a bit more of myself in this community. Whenever I meet these kinds of people one on one, I have a great time, they're super friendly and awesome and make me feel good about going to events. But at the events, the people are... it's like highschool again. Everyone is in their own isolated circles, and it's fucking hard to break in.

Accept

My mental state is somewhat positive lately. I have a playdate on monday, and I've just generally been feeling good about myself.

This is, of course, after contrast to how I've been feeling lately. And For how bad I felt, it didn't last as long as it usually does. I was going kinda crazy, because I wanted some kink in my life again, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. So instead of sulking and complaining, I asked Serina what I was doing wrong, because she knows more about the community than I do.

So at least now I have a direction. It felt nice to just accept I was feeling shit about it, that I was doing something wrong, but didn't know what.

Proximity pt2

Taking a break from all things kink. Or rather, sitting in the corner with my ears covered and going lalalalala trying to drown it out. I'm starting to hate thinking about kink.

I threw all my stuffed toys off my bed tonight. In some way I blame them. They'll probably be back, I just don't know when.

Proximity

It was Carnival today, which marks 3 years in the trans community for me. It's a nice thing I can set my watch to, Carnival will always be a big thing for me, even if it's terrible, which it was today. But that's not what this post is about.

While I was there, I saw an abnormal amount of people in leather, and latex, and corsets... There are usually a dozen wandering around, but not this many. It kinda made me feel really self-conscious, because, well... I want what they have. All of them were with someone, holding hands. It's hard being around other kinky people right now, and hearing about their stories of the kinky things they do.

In about two weeks is pride march, and I got this idea in my head that I want someone to put me on a leash for it, which is all well and good, but I don't know anyone. So that's frustrating.

An interesting thing is that I want to be on a leash during pride march at all. Usually I can't wait to pile in with the various trans groups and wave to the people, but I guess having no means of kink right now has made me crave it so intensely that I want to show off that side of me. Last year there was some kind of kink group in the parade, maybe there will be again this year.

The worst thing is, the longer I'm out of it the more awkward I get around it.

Scalpel

Who knew age play was such a big thing for me? I mean, I knew I liked it... but I didn't expect that someone hating it to make me feel this way.

I've been contacted by someone I used to play with. We have a lot in common, in terms of kink. Not so much in terms of personality and lifestyle. Our brainwaves clash a fair bit as well.

He wants me to be his secondary/casual submissive, which is good timing because I've wanted a non-emotionally attached kink buddy for a while now. He's a lot stricter than I'm used to, but I'm used to basically being able to trash the house without so much as a glance. So this might be fun. It's kinda scary too.

We've been talking about what he expects, and I'm smiling and nodding and agreeing to everything without flinching because I know what he likes already and he's pretty much a very stereotypical sexual D-type person. Then I bring up age play and puppy play, mostly as a warning because sometimes it just happens, and he goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NONE OF THAT. Since he had that reaction, I thought I'd better ask about bringing stuffed toys to kink events, since I still kinda need that emotional support, and he said NO NEVER THAT'S BANNED.

Typing that out just then made me cry. When he said it, I was totally crushed. I went to lie down in bed for a while and think if this is really something I want to do. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Cookie is AWOL and Serina has a bias, and is semi-AWOL herself.

An invitation

Well... shit.

I got invited to a kink event by a friend. I hate it when this happens, because I consider going, and remember how shit I feel in those places. I debate with myself, bargain, push, and none of it pays off because I know there's really only two conclusions: I go or I stay home.

The problem with the Going result is that, well, I probably won't have a good time. I've tried before, I put more effort in than most people would in my position I think, and it didn't pay off. The friend who invited me isn't really the babysitting type either, so I don't feel like I have much of a safety net.

The problem with the Not Going result is that I waste all this energy trying to get myself to go, and it just makes me feel worse. I've already started spiraling out thinking about this, which is insane.

Part of me thinks I should go, to really test The Pills. To see if I really have changed, or if I'm just testing myself against trivial things.

I want to go, I want to have fun at these places. On top of that, well... it would be nice to meet someone.

A new approach

Lately, my interest in BDSM has shifted. Oh, I still find certain things extremely arousing, and my fetish list still has everything on it. I still (mostly) identify as submissive. So what has changed?

I used to cruise K&P for eyecandy, and maybe ideas for things to try, and that was pretty much all I saw for a long time.

My attention has since shifted to the writing people churn out. I think this is because of my desire (need) to learn as much as I can about a subject I enjoy. There are interesting threads in the groups sometimes, but most of the time it's just an endless barrage of greetings and basic questions that are either irrelevent to me, or I know the answer to already (and considering earlier this year I felt like I was drowning while figuring some of this stuff out, that's a nice yardstick).

This is an interesting shift. But lately my interest in the writing that pops up in K&P has been fading, I think because it seems to loop it's messages. For every "this is my intimate and well written history on this subject" there are a dozen "10 dos and do nots of a scene" or "how to train your submissive" or something like that. Those last things are cool, but they seem to pop up in different skins a lot of the time.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know enough to be able to distinguish the subtle differences between seemingly identical ideas from two different people. But even if I'm right, it still has the same result: I need to learn more.

One frustrating thing about K&P is that it's temporary. No matter how life changingly spectacular something is, it will get moved down the line to make room for new eyecandy. I need to add to my library.

On the leash

Over the course of my last relationship, I found I had an obsession with leashes. I adored being on the end of a leash, I couldn't get enough of it. I even came close to dying because of my love of leashes: I was leashed to the bed one night when she was here, and we went to sleep for the night, and I woke up in the middle of the night because I had turned over multiple times and was strangling myself. I never told her out of fear of never having a leash again (though at the time it seemed more like I'd rather die than never be on a leash again).

It's such a simple thing, too. It's just a chain that leads to my collar, but it can be so powerful. If the person holding it wants me close, they pull me in. If they want me further out, they give me some slack. If they want me to wonder around of my own accord, they take it off. If they want me to stay somewhere, they tie it to something. But even then, you're still under their control, still submitting to them, because you're where they want you.

I found immense comfort being leashed to things. Frequently when I was feeling low, she would leash me to the bed, or she'd put the leash on me and hold onto it while we sat on the couch. I remember one night at a party at her house, I got very sleepy and went to bed. She came in a little while later to check up on me, and I said I wasn't coming back out. She wrapped my old collar around my neck and leashed me to the bed, and kissed me goodnight. I felt so cared for, and loved at that moment.

I think I need to put leashes into the Need category for future relationships.