Today was awful.
I didn't take The Pills yesterday, or today, because I ran out. I had a script, I just kept forgetting to get more until late this afternoon, and asked mum to give me a lift to the shops because she was going there anyway.
I didn't really feel any effects from not taking them, which I now realise is because I was so absorbed in a game that I actually forgot to eat. At least, that's what I thought at the time.
I got to the shops, and suddenly everything had a lag to it, and I could barely feel my body. I felt really floaty, and almost like I didn't really exist. Turns out getting so absorbed into that game was part of the disconnect I felt.
Finally, I was reunited with them, and took them right after dinner. But this has me rather worried. If this is what it's like to be off them for a day and a half, and The Pills are meant to be temporary... what the hell is gonna happen when I'm off them? Should I hold myself up in my room with two buckets and 10 litres of water and bar the door and window and just ride it out for a few weeks?
Another thing I've noticed about them is that my brain sometimes gets a huge lag on it. Words are slowly getting harder to produce consistently, and I'm mixing up spelling of basic words really badly, or I'm replacing them completely.
My brain is really weird right now...
Sunday 30 December 2012
Friday 14 December 2012
How far are you willing to go?
I thought that as long as I got what I wanted in the end, and as long as no one got hurt, it wouldn't matter what lengths I took. Doesn't matter if I'm used, or hurt, or made colder.
I don't think I can actually push myself that far. Maybe I'm too soft for this kind of attitude.
That same someone seems determined to remind me of the worst that people can be. Aside from his looks and kinks, there is nothing good about him. Perhaps nothing good can come from interacting with him.
He did a lot of things that didn't bother me enough to leave, until last night. He takes pride in never apologising, even when he really really should. He believes he is never wrong, when he is frequently. The only misunderstandings are of the people around him. If he never admits fault, there can be no trust. Thus, there can be no play between us, because that shit is dangerous.
I have low self esteem, not a death wish. Maybe I'll go throw myself at someone else.
I don't think I can actually push myself that far. Maybe I'm too soft for this kind of attitude.
That same someone seems determined to remind me of the worst that people can be. Aside from his looks and kinks, there is nothing good about him. Perhaps nothing good can come from interacting with him.
He did a lot of things that didn't bother me enough to leave, until last night. He takes pride in never apologising, even when he really really should. He believes he is never wrong, when he is frequently. The only misunderstandings are of the people around him. If he never admits fault, there can be no trust. Thus, there can be no play between us, because that shit is dangerous.
I have low self esteem, not a death wish. Maybe I'll go throw myself at someone else.
Monday 10 December 2012
Scalpel
Who knew age play was such a big thing for me? I mean, I knew I liked it... but I didn't expect that someone hating it to make me feel this way.
I've been contacted by someone I used to play with. We have a lot in common, in terms of kink. Not so much in terms of personality and lifestyle. Our brainwaves clash a fair bit as well.
He wants me to be his secondary/casual submissive, which is good timing because I've wanted a non-emotionally attached kink buddy for a while now. He's a lot stricter than I'm used to, but I'm used to basically being able to trash the house without so much as a glance. So this might be fun. It's kinda scary too.
We've been talking about what he expects, and I'm smiling and nodding and agreeing to everything without flinching because I know what he likes already and he's pretty much a very stereotypical sexual D-type person. Then I bring up age play and puppy play, mostly as a warning because sometimes it just happens, and he goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NONE OF THAT. Since he had that reaction, I thought I'd better ask about bringing stuffed toys to kink events, since I still kinda need that emotional support, and he said NO NEVER THAT'S BANNED.
Typing that out just then made me cry. When he said it, I was totally crushed. I went to lie down in bed for a while and think if this is really something I want to do. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Cookie is AWOL and Serina has a bias, and is semi-AWOL herself.
I've been contacted by someone I used to play with. We have a lot in common, in terms of kink. Not so much in terms of personality and lifestyle. Our brainwaves clash a fair bit as well.
He wants me to be his secondary/casual submissive, which is good timing because I've wanted a non-emotionally attached kink buddy for a while now. He's a lot stricter than I'm used to, but I'm used to basically being able to trash the house without so much as a glance. So this might be fun. It's kinda scary too.
We've been talking about what he expects, and I'm smiling and nodding and agreeing to everything without flinching because I know what he likes already and he's pretty much a very stereotypical sexual D-type person. Then I bring up age play and puppy play, mostly as a warning because sometimes it just happens, and he goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NONE OF THAT. Since he had that reaction, I thought I'd better ask about bringing stuffed toys to kink events, since I still kinda need that emotional support, and he said NO NEVER THAT'S BANNED.
Typing that out just then made me cry. When he said it, I was totally crushed. I went to lie down in bed for a while and think if this is really something I want to do. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Cookie is AWOL and Serina has a bias, and is semi-AWOL herself.
Thursday 6 December 2012
Looking for a reason to say no
I'm working from the stance that beggers can't be choosers. Like I said a while ago, so what if something good comes along and isn't perfect?
So what if people say I can do better? I'm tired of waiting for better. This concept of "better" is why I say no to so much, because what if something better is just around the corner?
As for the people who say I deserve better... well, even if I did, that doesn't make me more eager to wait longer.
For so long I've worried about what could go wrong. Now I'm excited for what could go right.
So what if people say I can do better? I'm tired of waiting for better. This concept of "better" is why I say no to so much, because what if something better is just around the corner?
As for the people who say I deserve better... well, even if I did, that doesn't make me more eager to wait longer.
For so long I've worried about what could go wrong. Now I'm excited for what could go right.
Wednesday 5 December 2012
More kink events
What an interesting weekend.
I went to a kink event again. And I had a lot of fun. More than that, I met someone, and even arranged a playdate with a very adorable twinky boy. He makes me giggle just thinking about him.
I've wanted to write about this for a while, but nothing... happened. I didn't have any revelations, any unique experience outside of playing with a TENS machine, no outrageously negative experiences. It was just a fun night with friends in a new fun environment.
I did take Jane, my dead elephant, for moral support, and she helped at the start when I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about the place. But I felt better, and eventually carrying her around was just a statement on my littleness, and not a safety blanket, which was a nice transition.
There was this one very surreal aspect of the night, at the very end. There was this cute topless boy getting tied up. The room they were in was tall, and had slow lights moving around making it seem a lot taller and alive, and there was a song being played that I listened to a lot when starting The Pills, so there's a weird association there and I felt like I was floating. It was all a very strange and it made me feel quite happy.
Afterwards, I spent the night at E's house with Serina, which was nice. Talking to her until very late and falling asleep. The next day, E and L were having people over, and that was a lot of fun as well. So many new people in just a few days.
Basically if this keeps up, kink events won't even be a Thing anymore. Which would be nice.
I went to a kink event again. And I had a lot of fun. More than that, I met someone, and even arranged a playdate with a very adorable twinky boy. He makes me giggle just thinking about him.
I've wanted to write about this for a while, but nothing... happened. I didn't have any revelations, any unique experience outside of playing with a TENS machine, no outrageously negative experiences. It was just a fun night with friends in a new fun environment.
I did take Jane, my dead elephant, for moral support, and she helped at the start when I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about the place. But I felt better, and eventually carrying her around was just a statement on my littleness, and not a safety blanket, which was a nice transition.
There was this one very surreal aspect of the night, at the very end. There was this cute topless boy getting tied up. The room they were in was tall, and had slow lights moving around making it seem a lot taller and alive, and there was a song being played that I listened to a lot when starting The Pills, so there's a weird association there and I felt like I was floating. It was all a very strange and it made me feel quite happy.
Afterwards, I spent the night at E's house with Serina, which was nice. Talking to her until very late and falling asleep. The next day, E and L were having people over, and that was a lot of fun as well. So many new people in just a few days.
Basically if this keeps up, kink events won't even be a Thing anymore. Which would be nice.
Monday 3 December 2012
Made of glass
I went to a kink event last night with Serina, E and L, and had a great time. Since I'm exhausted and the words aren't coming, I'll blog about it later. But something happened last night at one point.
E and L were playing, so I sat on a couch near someone and tried to strike up conversation with someone, and didn't get a very good reception, which was kinda disappointing. On top of sitting in a low chair in a corset, I guess I had a look on my face that told Serina I was freaking out.
She kept looking over at me and mouthing the words "are you ok?" and I kept saying I'm fine. This kept up for a while, and I got really frustrated at her. It kinda felt like before, when she treated me like glass. After the last couple of months, this event was pretty awesome. I wasn't overstimulated at any point, not anxious, or scared, or anything. I was just having fun.
So to have her look over at me, worried I wasn't handling things... it made me kinda sad. Like maybe I hadn't changed as much as I thought. Eventually she came over to make sure I was ok, and I kinda snapped at her.
After a minute the guilt of that kinda washed over me. She was just looking out for me, and after some of the other times we've been at kink events, anyone would have been keeping an eye on me.
E and L were playing, so I sat on a couch near someone and tried to strike up conversation with someone, and didn't get a very good reception, which was kinda disappointing. On top of sitting in a low chair in a corset, I guess I had a look on my face that told Serina I was freaking out.
She kept looking over at me and mouthing the words "are you ok?" and I kept saying I'm fine. This kept up for a while, and I got really frustrated at her. It kinda felt like before, when she treated me like glass. After the last couple of months, this event was pretty awesome. I wasn't overstimulated at any point, not anxious, or scared, or anything. I was just having fun.
So to have her look over at me, worried I wasn't handling things... it made me kinda sad. Like maybe I hadn't changed as much as I thought. Eventually she came over to make sure I was ok, and I kinda snapped at her.
After a minute the guilt of that kinda washed over me. She was just looking out for me, and after some of the other times we've been at kink events, anyone would have been keeping an eye on me.
Friday 30 November 2012
Three years
Last month was the 3 year anniversary of coming out to my mother, and it's about 3 years since I first went to my psych.
3 years ago I was... basically a child. Too scared to go out into the world for anything, too scared to do anything that wasn't video games. Today with my psych, I realised that I've basically become a person in the last 3 years.
It's really scary to think about how I was before, but maybe this is why I'm enjoying life so much right now, because I'm only just experiencing it. It also seems to be a snowball effect, because I've made a lot of progress in the last 6 months alone. That's most likely momentum propelling me forwards at new speeds.
But... where did this person come from? Sometimes I feel like a new consciousness inhabiting a body; the memories of the old consciousness are there, but it's all so fuzzy and blurry it's like watching someone else go through these awful things.
I think I like being a person.
3 years ago I was... basically a child. Too scared to go out into the world for anything, too scared to do anything that wasn't video games. Today with my psych, I realised that I've basically become a person in the last 3 years.
It's really scary to think about how I was before, but maybe this is why I'm enjoying life so much right now, because I'm only just experiencing it. It also seems to be a snowball effect, because I've made a lot of progress in the last 6 months alone. That's most likely momentum propelling me forwards at new speeds.
But... where did this person come from? Sometimes I feel like a new consciousness inhabiting a body; the memories of the old consciousness are there, but it's all so fuzzy and blurry it's like watching someone else go through these awful things.
I think I like being a person.
Monday 26 November 2012
We are everything you wanted
Who really disappointed me in the last few weeks?
Thinking about it all, what what I wanted from those people seemed simple on the surface. But it's the lifestyle I wanted, and was denied.
Like last month, and my Night in Hell, it was just a reach for the thing I wanted, and this time I fell on my face. The people concerned don't know what this meant for me, and I approached it from that angle intentionally. I don't like letting people in a lot of the time, and they don't need to know. It's about me, and what kind of person I want to be.
I'm scared to initiate something again, but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't always end with this kind of result, and I'm struggling a lot. I still want the end goal though. So it's really just a matter of time before I try again.
Thinking about it all, what what I wanted from those people seemed simple on the surface. But it's the lifestyle I wanted, and was denied.
Like last month, and my Night in Hell, it was just a reach for the thing I wanted, and this time I fell on my face. The people concerned don't know what this meant for me, and I approached it from that angle intentionally. I don't like letting people in a lot of the time, and they don't need to know. It's about me, and what kind of person I want to be.
I'm scared to initiate something again, but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't always end with this kind of result, and I'm struggling a lot. I still want the end goal though. So it's really just a matter of time before I try again.
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Trust
These last few weeks have damaged my trust of people. Too many people have made promises they couldn't, or simply didn't, keep. I've basically quarantined myself from most of my friends, today being an exception because of TDOR, because being around some of them makes me sad and angry. I'm positive it will pass soon. But the damage to my trust has already been done.
Serina (ex-mummy) has re-entered my life with her typical clumsy crash, taking a coffee table out as she entered, and I'm rather happy she did. It's been nice reconnecting with her, but she's not immune to my trust issues. Because of recent events, and our history together, I'm keeping her at arm's length for a while, just like I am with everyone.
As for where we are, we are just friends. Although "just" doesn't really come into it. We work better as friends, as we've proven many times in many ways, so we're staying friends. Best friends, it seems.
Serina (ex-mummy) has re-entered my life with her typical clumsy crash, taking a coffee table out as she entered, and I'm rather happy she did. It's been nice reconnecting with her, but she's not immune to my trust issues. Because of recent events, and our history together, I'm keeping her at arm's length for a while, just like I am with everyone.
As for where we are, we are just friends. Although "just" doesn't really come into it. We work better as friends, as we've proven many times in many ways, so we're staying friends. Best friends, it seems.
Tuesday 20 November 2012
TDOR
It's Transgender Day of Remembrance.
I don't really know what to say about it. It's good we have a day like this, but sad we need it.
The community I'm in is quite large and busy. I've met hundreds of people who are all different shades of the same spectrum. I've made good friends, and see people regularly, but there's a scary thought in the back of my head: how many of those I've only seen once, those that I don't even remember, those I never even saw, aren't here to see this day?
Also this is post 200 on my blog.
I don't really know what to say about it. It's good we have a day like this, but sad we need it.
The community I'm in is quite large and busy. I've met hundreds of people who are all different shades of the same spectrum. I've made good friends, and see people regularly, but there's a scary thought in the back of my head: how many of those I've only seen once, those that I don't even remember, those I never even saw, aren't here to see this day?
Also this is post 200 on my blog.
Friday 16 November 2012
Like you let me down before
I think I had another anger blackout tonight.Everyone's been letting me down lately in ways that really matter to me, combined with insanity from my group and generally hating my body. I wanted to just distance myself from everyone, but for some reason everyone wanted a piece of me.
One of my friends was talking about how she got angry at our group, and reminded me of a bunch of shit, on top of her being one of the many to let me down lately, and I felt something pop. I went into my room feeling so angry I was dizzy and had a lie down.
I don't know what conclusions to draw here. I still don't feel well, and I'm not going to my group next week. I don't really feel like talking to anyone from that corner of my life right now...
One of my friends was talking about how she got angry at our group, and reminded me of a bunch of shit, on top of her being one of the many to let me down lately, and I felt something pop. I went into my room feeling so angry I was dizzy and had a lie down.
I don't know what conclusions to draw here. I still don't feel well, and I'm not going to my group next week. I don't really feel like talking to anyone from that corner of my life right now...
Sunday 11 November 2012
Energy
Friday afternoon I got a brainwave about where I'm taking my latest project.
I've been asking my friends to give me their dead light globes, since they're just going to throw them out anyway. But why? I just had a faint idea in my head that I needed (not wanted) light globes for something.
It hit while I was doing my weekly ritual, and I had to lean against the wall because it came on so fast and so strong I felt dizzy. Last night I wrote it down, and really nutted it out, and asked myself questions on the practicality of it and a timeline, drew a few diagrams and how many light globes I'd need. I'm not revealing anything about it here, because friends read this and I want it to be a surprise, but I know I need at least 40 light globes.
This is going to take a long time.
I've been asking my friends to give me their dead light globes, since they're just going to throw them out anyway. But why? I just had a faint idea in my head that I needed (not wanted) light globes for something.
It hit while I was doing my weekly ritual, and I had to lean against the wall because it came on so fast and so strong I felt dizzy. Last night I wrote it down, and really nutted it out, and asked myself questions on the practicality of it and a timeline, drew a few diagrams and how many light globes I'd need. I'm not revealing anything about it here, because friends read this and I want it to be a surprise, but I know I need at least 40 light globes.
This is going to take a long time.
Friday 9 November 2012
The worst thing in the world
I think what I want doesn't exist. At least not right now. Maybe I've been overreacting to people like I talked about a few months ago. Maybe they aren't evil, or serial killers, or insane.
Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.
I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.
If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?
Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.
I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.
If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Halloween pt2
My friends didn't end up coming.
One forgot, the other fell asleep some time in the afternoon and woke up after the buses had stopped.
So instead of watching horror movies with my friends, I just stuck to my newer tradition: Playing TF2 during the Halloween event.
I tried to organise it again for tonight with just one friend, the one I've been getting closer with. Once again, it didn't happen. She for some reason couldn't stay over, despite saying she could earlier, and suggested we do it during the day. That wouldn't work because my mum reserved the computer to do work during the day.
This is really disappointing. I've been kinda depressed about it for a few days. I'm kinda angry about it too. Neither of them actually let me know they wouldn't be coming, I had to ask them.
I guess I'll just have to forget about my old tradition and just look forward to next years Scream Fortress.
One forgot, the other fell asleep some time in the afternoon and woke up after the buses had stopped.
So instead of watching horror movies with my friends, I just stuck to my newer tradition: Playing TF2 during the Halloween event.
I tried to organise it again for tonight with just one friend, the one I've been getting closer with. Once again, it didn't happen. She for some reason couldn't stay over, despite saying she could earlier, and suggested we do it during the day. That wouldn't work because my mum reserved the computer to do work during the day.
This is really disappointing. I've been kinda depressed about it for a few days. I'm kinda angry about it too. Neither of them actually let me know they wouldn't be coming, I had to ask them.
I guess I'll just have to forget about my old tradition and just look forward to next years Scream Fortress.
Sunday 4 November 2012
Exploration
It's hard when someone is removed from your life so traumatically. It's even harder when you still like them, but they seem to treat you like poison. This blog is my place, yet why do I feel the need to censor myself just because I know she still reads it?
I've written about 3 drafts in the last hour, saying different things about something new in my life and how it compares to my last relationship, but the words either come out too harsh or completely missing the point I try to make.
So what is it I want to say?
I miss sex. I've missed it for a long time. I miss being penetrated, and having someone enjoy my genitals, instead of just tolerating them. I tried to tell myself I didn't mind how it was, but I missed it a lot. I recently asked someone I know if they'd be interested in doing something with me, and they said yes.
Many things are running through my head about this. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or if they don't find my naked body appealing, or if they cancel... but I'm still going through with it. I'm also extremely excited. This is someone new, I get to do things to them, they switch and like a ton of the same stuff I like. I've had it in my head that I really really want to take her for a walk on a leash one night. I've wanted something like this for a while, and used my newfound confidence to get it.
Now if only I could muster up the courage to go to a kink event.
I've written about 3 drafts in the last hour, saying different things about something new in my life and how it compares to my last relationship, but the words either come out too harsh or completely missing the point I try to make.
So what is it I want to say?
I miss sex. I've missed it for a long time. I miss being penetrated, and having someone enjoy my genitals, instead of just tolerating them. I tried to tell myself I didn't mind how it was, but I missed it a lot. I recently asked someone I know if they'd be interested in doing something with me, and they said yes.
Many things are running through my head about this. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or if they don't find my naked body appealing, or if they cancel... but I'm still going through with it. I'm also extremely excited. This is someone new, I get to do things to them, they switch and like a ton of the same stuff I like. I've had it in my head that I really really want to take her for a walk on a leash one night. I've wanted something like this for a while, and used my newfound confidence to get it.
Now if only I could muster up the courage to go to a kink event.
Wednesday 31 October 2012
Shift
I haven't written anything here in ages. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about, there's actually been a lot going on lately. I just haven't felt the usual need to write. I've tried writing a new post many times in the last week, only for it to quickly become a chore, and for my mind to move onto other things.
Even now I'm struggling to write this.
I think maybe my medium is shifting somewhat. It sounds strange, but I've taken some of my desire to express myself out on a new curtain I made myself. It's pretty basic, but I've left room to add things and change it whenever I want. I've also wanted to create more physical things. I'm drawing less, but I feel no less creative because I feel like I want to move onto sculptures of some sort. I don't know if this will last, but it's a nice change.
Even now I'm struggling to write this.
I think maybe my medium is shifting somewhat. It sounds strange, but I've taken some of my desire to express myself out on a new curtain I made myself. It's pretty basic, but I've left room to add things and change it whenever I want. I've also wanted to create more physical things. I'm drawing less, but I feel no less creative because I feel like I want to move onto sculptures of some sort. I don't know if this will last, but it's a nice change.
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Halloween
Halloween has pretty much always been my favourite holiday despite living in Australia. In high school I'd have friends over for a night of horror movies, which was something I'd look forward to a lot. But that ended when we all finished high school and drifted in different directions.
I really miss that. There have been so many obstacles getting in the way of doing something like that again, mostly because of my mother and the state of the house.
This year, after getting closer to some friends and having them in my house, I thought it would be different. I thought it would be nice to continue my little tradition and evolve it and use it to spend more time with newer friends.
One friend's lack of interest on top of the other friend's lack of listening skills is making me more stressed than I should be about this. There's so many things to juggle with that second friend as well. I'm starting to consider just canceling it and waiting until next year, when maybe I'd have someone to do this with. Or maybe finding some other people.
I don't know. I feel lost, and I'm taking it way too personally. I just miss Halloween so much.
I really miss that. There have been so many obstacles getting in the way of doing something like that again, mostly because of my mother and the state of the house.
This year, after getting closer to some friends and having them in my house, I thought it would be different. I thought it would be nice to continue my little tradition and evolve it and use it to spend more time with newer friends.
One friend's lack of interest on top of the other friend's lack of listening skills is making me more stressed than I should be about this. There's so many things to juggle with that second friend as well. I'm starting to consider just canceling it and waiting until next year, when maybe I'd have someone to do this with. Or maybe finding some other people.
I don't know. I feel lost, and I'm taking it way too personally. I just miss Halloween so much.
Monday 22 October 2012
Who do you want to be?
I grew up sheltered, as I've discussed. I remember wanting to go out, finally doing so, and it being a nightmare because I was so anxious and unsure of myself. I was always up for spontaneity though, even in the thick of my anxiety, but rarely found myself in a situation where I could follow through.
I always hated it. I hated wanting to do things that were out of my reach. I wanted to be able to handle being in new places with new people and not keep fighting off a panic attack, or feel a mountain sized amount of discomfort that transcended reality. I kept pushing and pushing, and try to move into this person I wanted to be. Felt I should be. Maybe it's out of some kind of self loathing, to want to move away from this person so desperately. Maybe it's out of some kind of love for myself, to move to who I want to be.
Looking back, my Night in Hell was an act of desperation. I still don't regret doing it, but I think I wasn't ready for it. It was the most vividly I felt the need to get the fuck away from myself, and it blew up in my face, and just reminded me where I'm from.
So, how did this fragile and damaged human being end up at an abandoned church for an industrial rave at 2am, an hour and a half out of the city with someone she met 3 hours beforehand?
Last week I met this woman who invited me to a party last night, and I went. I knew no one there, but I got talking to a few people, one of which was the author of a children's book, another was trying to find someone to go on an adventure with. Ignoring the fact my entire body already hurt because I helped trim a massive tree that afternoon, I raised my hand and went off with this girl who's name I didn't even know, to go to a place I didn't know the location of, to have an experience I'd never had before.
We stopped off in the city for supplies, some of which somehow made it back to my bedroom, and took the trek to Craigieburn. We found the church easily, and before we went in I reminded her I'd never been to one of these things before, and she understood not to abandon me.
Again, like my Night in Hell, this thump thump music permeated the air. Unlike that night, we were immediately greeted by someone extremely friendly and welcomed us into their pocket of the world. Huh, these people are human Was what ran through my head. Almost all fear left me, and I went inside to see something I'm having trouble describing. Half a dozen people all solo slam dancing around, one guy literally pressing his head against a speaker that towered over him, and the music that was being pumped out by a solo DJ at the front was varying and insanity-inspiring, but also somehow beautiful in it's own way. It was rather appropriate we were in a dilapidated church: Satanic symbols flashed around the walls while the flock was being entranced by this lone figure at the front, spewing out his message.
I hugged my new friend and screamed into her ear "Thank you for bringing me here".
I always hated it. I hated wanting to do things that were out of my reach. I wanted to be able to handle being in new places with new people and not keep fighting off a panic attack, or feel a mountain sized amount of discomfort that transcended reality. I kept pushing and pushing, and try to move into this person I wanted to be. Felt I should be. Maybe it's out of some kind of self loathing, to want to move away from this person so desperately. Maybe it's out of some kind of love for myself, to move to who I want to be.
Looking back, my Night in Hell was an act of desperation. I still don't regret doing it, but I think I wasn't ready for it. It was the most vividly I felt the need to get the fuck away from myself, and it blew up in my face, and just reminded me where I'm from.
So, how did this fragile and damaged human being end up at an abandoned church for an industrial rave at 2am, an hour and a half out of the city with someone she met 3 hours beforehand?
Last week I met this woman who invited me to a party last night, and I went. I knew no one there, but I got talking to a few people, one of which was the author of a children's book, another was trying to find someone to go on an adventure with. Ignoring the fact my entire body already hurt because I helped trim a massive tree that afternoon, I raised my hand and went off with this girl who's name I didn't even know, to go to a place I didn't know the location of, to have an experience I'd never had before.
We stopped off in the city for supplies, some of which somehow made it back to my bedroom, and took the trek to Craigieburn. We found the church easily, and before we went in I reminded her I'd never been to one of these things before, and she understood not to abandon me.
Again, like my Night in Hell, this thump thump music permeated the air. Unlike that night, we were immediately greeted by someone extremely friendly and welcomed us into their pocket of the world. Huh, these people are human Was what ran through my head. Almost all fear left me, and I went inside to see something I'm having trouble describing. Half a dozen people all solo slam dancing around, one guy literally pressing his head against a speaker that towered over him, and the music that was being pumped out by a solo DJ at the front was varying and insanity-inspiring, but also somehow beautiful in it's own way. It was rather appropriate we were in a dilapidated church: Satanic symbols flashed around the walls while the flock was being entranced by this lone figure at the front, spewing out his message.
I hugged my new friend and screamed into her ear "Thank you for bringing me here".
Monday 15 October 2012
Big Fish little fish
Have you ever seen someone from across the room, and how they carry themselves, and thought I need to be friends with this person?
I see them a lot. Yesterday, I got up the courage and decided to introduce myself to the latest one, to not only be met with a smile, but an invitation to their picnic blanket and 3 hours talking to them and their friends. My small little world suddenly got a lot bigger.
I'd been feeling somewhat limited and sheltered lately. I was soaring because of The Pills, and slowly the momentum wore off. Strangely, there wasn't a crash, but a slow stop. As great as my trans group is (and I seriously love them all) I've been feeling the need to branch out. I've been growing, not necessarily away or past them, but I want more in my life than just the queer/trans community.
This is actually a big step for me. For so long, I felt swamped with what little I had going on. Slowly but surely, I felt myself becoming a bigger and bigger fish.
The people I met are extremely open minded and some seem to be very arty, which is fucking great for me. I've needed something to get my creative juices flowing, expand my mind and learn some new things. I'm going to one of their galleries in the next month, and I'm so incredibly excited I think I might pop.
I see them a lot. Yesterday, I got up the courage and decided to introduce myself to the latest one, to not only be met with a smile, but an invitation to their picnic blanket and 3 hours talking to them and their friends. My small little world suddenly got a lot bigger.
I'd been feeling somewhat limited and sheltered lately. I was soaring because of The Pills, and slowly the momentum wore off. Strangely, there wasn't a crash, but a slow stop. As great as my trans group is (and I seriously love them all) I've been feeling the need to branch out. I've been growing, not necessarily away or past them, but I want more in my life than just the queer/trans community.
This is actually a big step for me. For so long, I felt swamped with what little I had going on. Slowly but surely, I felt myself becoming a bigger and bigger fish.
The people I met are extremely open minded and some seem to be very arty, which is fucking great for me. I've needed something to get my creative juices flowing, expand my mind and learn some new things. I'm going to one of their galleries in the next month, and I'm so incredibly excited I think I might pop.
Saturday 13 October 2012
Out and about
It was national coming out day in America yesterday, and a friend of mine is talking about coming out to her parents as trans. Surprisingly, this got me thinking about coming out to my mother, but mostly, my mentality around that time.
I keep a diary, and I reread it sometimes, and the entries around that time are weird, and kinda distorted. Not that I need to read my old diary to know what I was feeling, I remember it. You don't forget something like this. This is the kind of thing not many people do, inform your parents that you're not really male, or female, and expose yourself after hiding for so long. I remember right before it, I was terrified. The only other terror that tops it in my life is when I was in hospital when I was 13.
I was at tafe studying multimedia. I didn't really want to do that, but I enjoyed it and I was good at it and couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. I met some good friends there, one of which I still talk to almost every day. But this is the time when my depression was at it's absolute lowest.
I was part of a forum for trans people (not Laura's Playground thank god) and it was a pretty relaxed place in one way, but really intense in the other. Everyone was really eager to show off their battle scars, tell everyone about their suicide attempts and DIY orchies and just wallow in self destruction. I stayed there to learn what I could, a lot of people had different perspectives and attitudes and threw them around liberally. But I hated the place because just as people were eager to show off how damaged they were, others showed how perfect they seemed. Posting timelines and stories and other things, and I was extremely jealous of their progress.
One day, in a usual Help me come out thread, someone posted a short story of their life as most people did. But unlike the others, this person resonated with me, and said something I still remember, 4 years later: it's either the bullet or the pill. It's a twisted form of motivation, sure, but it worked. You get to a place where you're at rock bottom, nothing else matters. You move forward, or you just don't.
Offline, my life wasn't very good. I was depressed, and didn't know what to do. I had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was just living for someone else, because this wasn't the life I wanted or cared about. Eventually, I settled on the fact that I was mostly numb. Sex didn't feel good. Getting drunk didn't do anything except make me sick the next day.
I was having an exceptionally bad day one day, I felt absolutely horrible about myself and everything, and looking back on it now, I went home from tafe that day knowing I would either be out to my mother by the end of the night, or I would kill myself. I told no one else this plan, though. Some people knew about me already, which was good, but wasn't enough. I needed to progress.
I had no safety net, though. No job, no money. I couldn't leave if she reacted badly, I couldn't call for help. I had nowhere to go. The only safety net I had in my mind was, essentially, suicide.
I felt Walled off that whole night, before I told her. I'd spent so long hiding any aspect of myself from her, more than just being trans, and I was about to expose everything. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, staring down it. She could tell something was on my mind, but I kept deflecting her questions. I wasn't ready.
I went into my room and got on the laptop to get my mind off it and maybe get some confidence up. Then out of the blue, it hit me. I told my friends what I was about to do, and I went to talk to my mother.
"I need to tell you something"
We sat down in the loungeroom, and I told her everything: I'm a girl, I like guys and girls, I've had sex with both and I'm really depressed.
She asked questions, I answered them. It was all over in less than an hour, but it felt like days. The chatroom I was in had exploded at the news of what I was doing, and then it exploded again when I said I was back, and that it went well. It was really comforting to see these people care about me so much. Then I told my best friend, and he was so excited for me. I was actually happy that night, for the first time in a long time. I felt like I could think again. I felt a massive weight lift off me. I... felt.
So what did coming out do for me? It let me move in a direction I actually wanted. It let me feel comfortable in my own house. It made me feel like I didn't have to hide myself from the world. It set me free.
I keep a diary, and I reread it sometimes, and the entries around that time are weird, and kinda distorted. Not that I need to read my old diary to know what I was feeling, I remember it. You don't forget something like this. This is the kind of thing not many people do, inform your parents that you're not really male, or female, and expose yourself after hiding for so long. I remember right before it, I was terrified. The only other terror that tops it in my life is when I was in hospital when I was 13.
I was at tafe studying multimedia. I didn't really want to do that, but I enjoyed it and I was good at it and couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. I met some good friends there, one of which I still talk to almost every day. But this is the time when my depression was at it's absolute lowest.
I was part of a forum for trans people (not Laura's Playground thank god) and it was a pretty relaxed place in one way, but really intense in the other. Everyone was really eager to show off their battle scars, tell everyone about their suicide attempts and DIY orchies and just wallow in self destruction. I stayed there to learn what I could, a lot of people had different perspectives and attitudes and threw them around liberally. But I hated the place because just as people were eager to show off how damaged they were, others showed how perfect they seemed. Posting timelines and stories and other things, and I was extremely jealous of their progress.
One day, in a usual Help me come out thread, someone posted a short story of their life as most people did. But unlike the others, this person resonated with me, and said something I still remember, 4 years later: it's either the bullet or the pill. It's a twisted form of motivation, sure, but it worked. You get to a place where you're at rock bottom, nothing else matters. You move forward, or you just don't.
Offline, my life wasn't very good. I was depressed, and didn't know what to do. I had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was just living for someone else, because this wasn't the life I wanted or cared about. Eventually, I settled on the fact that I was mostly numb. Sex didn't feel good. Getting drunk didn't do anything except make me sick the next day.
I was having an exceptionally bad day one day, I felt absolutely horrible about myself and everything, and looking back on it now, I went home from tafe that day knowing I would either be out to my mother by the end of the night, or I would kill myself. I told no one else this plan, though. Some people knew about me already, which was good, but wasn't enough. I needed to progress.
I had no safety net, though. No job, no money. I couldn't leave if she reacted badly, I couldn't call for help. I had nowhere to go. The only safety net I had in my mind was, essentially, suicide.
I felt Walled off that whole night, before I told her. I'd spent so long hiding any aspect of myself from her, more than just being trans, and I was about to expose everything. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, staring down it. She could tell something was on my mind, but I kept deflecting her questions. I wasn't ready.
I went into my room and got on the laptop to get my mind off it and maybe get some confidence up. Then out of the blue, it hit me. I told my friends what I was about to do, and I went to talk to my mother.
"I need to tell you something"
We sat down in the loungeroom, and I told her everything: I'm a girl, I like guys and girls, I've had sex with both and I'm really depressed.
She asked questions, I answered them. It was all over in less than an hour, but it felt like days. The chatroom I was in had exploded at the news of what I was doing, and then it exploded again when I said I was back, and that it went well. It was really comforting to see these people care about me so much. Then I told my best friend, and he was so excited for me. I was actually happy that night, for the first time in a long time. I felt like I could think again. I felt a massive weight lift off me. I... felt.
So what did coming out do for me? It let me move in a direction I actually wanted. It let me feel comfortable in my own house. It made me feel like I didn't have to hide myself from the world. It set me free.
Friday 12 October 2012
The headaches have returned
In a mindframe similar to my new weekly ritual, I've started to lose weight. Or try to, anyway. I suppose this is just another aspect of me moving forward, since I've wanted to do this for a long time, but felt like the world didn't want me to.
So, the first thing I did was stopped drinking coke every day, a habit that creeped in again. Just like last time, I've started to get a headache at the loss of caffeine in my system. Also on the chopping block is chocolate, and most really sugary things in general. I've done this enough to know that the cravings are temporary, and today is one of the last days I should be feeling the intense cravings.
Since it's getting into warmer weather, I'm going to start going for walks and then move up from there. Hopefully I'll start feeling better about my body in a few months.
So, the first thing I did was stopped drinking coke every day, a habit that creeped in again. Just like last time, I've started to get a headache at the loss of caffeine in my system. Also on the chopping block is chocolate, and most really sugary things in general. I've done this enough to know that the cravings are temporary, and today is one of the last days I should be feeling the intense cravings.
Since it's getting into warmer weather, I'm going to start going for walks and then move up from there. Hopefully I'll start feeling better about my body in a few months.
Tuesday 9 October 2012
An invitation
Well... shit.
I got invited to a kink event by a friend. I hate it when this happens, because I consider going, and remember how shit I feel in those places. I debate with myself, bargain, push, and none of it pays off because I know there's really only two conclusions: I go or I stay home.
The problem with the Going result is that, well, I probably won't have a good time. I've tried before, I put more effort in than most people would in my position I think, and it didn't pay off. The friend who invited me isn't really the babysitting type either, so I don't feel like I have much of a safety net.
The problem with the Not Going result is that I waste all this energy trying to get myself to go, and it just makes me feel worse. I've already started spiraling out thinking about this, which is insane.
Part of me thinks I should go, to really test The Pills. To see if I really have changed, or if I'm just testing myself against trivial things.
I want to go, I want to have fun at these places. On top of that, well... it would be nice to meet someone.
I got invited to a kink event by a friend. I hate it when this happens, because I consider going, and remember how shit I feel in those places. I debate with myself, bargain, push, and none of it pays off because I know there's really only two conclusions: I go or I stay home.
The problem with the Going result is that, well, I probably won't have a good time. I've tried before, I put more effort in than most people would in my position I think, and it didn't pay off. The friend who invited me isn't really the babysitting type either, so I don't feel like I have much of a safety net.
The problem with the Not Going result is that I waste all this energy trying to get myself to go, and it just makes me feel worse. I've already started spiraling out thinking about this, which is insane.
Part of me thinks I should go, to really test The Pills. To see if I really have changed, or if I'm just testing myself against trivial things.
I want to go, I want to have fun at these places. On top of that, well... it would be nice to meet someone.
Friday 5 October 2012
Wanna go look at dildos?
Watching someone's reaction when they look through a sex shop can be very interesting. Which things attract their attention, and for what reason. How they walk. How they act.
I took her to my favourite adult store, and to my delight she reacted like a kid in a candy store. Browsing through all the things in excitement, picking up some things for further inspection. Not even a little bit intimidated, but infinitely curious.
How she reacted to the BDSM section was, of course, the most interesting to me. I let slip a my interest in this, and she didn't shy away, nor ask any questions. She looked at harnesses, and masks, and collars, and exclaimed with intense glee "oh wow, gagballs!".
After a lap, we left at just the perfect time: immediately before it got boring. Then we had a nice walk in the city at night, and then a sit on a patch of grass, and got to know each other. Hard questions became easy answers.
I dropped her off at the station, found out she liked it when people played with her hair, hugged her goodbye, and said "Call me". I hope she does.
I took her to my favourite adult store, and to my delight she reacted like a kid in a candy store. Browsing through all the things in excitement, picking up some things for further inspection. Not even a little bit intimidated, but infinitely curious.
How she reacted to the BDSM section was, of course, the most interesting to me. I let slip a my interest in this, and she didn't shy away, nor ask any questions. She looked at harnesses, and masks, and collars, and exclaimed with intense glee "oh wow, gagballs!".
After a lap, we left at just the perfect time: immediately before it got boring. Then we had a nice walk in the city at night, and then a sit on a patch of grass, and got to know each other. Hard questions became easy answers.
I dropped her off at the station, found out she liked it when people played with her hair, hugged her goodbye, and said "Call me". I hope she does.
Tuesday 2 October 2012
... Sir?
I've been talking to someone lately, who I shall call Cookie. We've been talking in some form pretty much every day for... I don't really know how long, but I'm gonna say 2 weeks.
He's quite travelled, and very smart. Unlike most men I've met online, he's actually a decent human being. Actually, scratch that, he's quite wonderful. He makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
I can't really explain my feelings towards him. He's in America so it can't really go any further than friends, but I do respect him a great deal. We were talking, and something got me down for a minute, so he said "chin up now k", and just like that, it was up, and I said "its up" and was surprised when instinctively the next word out of me was "Sir".
What? Why? The last person I called Sir told me to call him that, isn't that how it goes? Doesn't this usually mean something big?
I was really embarrassed about it. He talked to me, about titles, and perspectives, and his stance... and suddenly, the embarrassment left. I feel smarter now. I feel like I understand an abstract puzzle piece of this world.
Though I probably won't call him Sir again... intentionally anyway.
He's quite travelled, and very smart. Unlike most men I've met online, he's actually a decent human being. Actually, scratch that, he's quite wonderful. He makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
I can't really explain my feelings towards him. He's in America so it can't really go any further than friends, but I do respect him a great deal. We were talking, and something got me down for a minute, so he said "chin up now k", and just like that, it was up, and I said "its up" and was surprised when instinctively the next word out of me was "Sir".
What? Why? The last person I called Sir told me to call him that, isn't that how it goes? Doesn't this usually mean something big?
I was really embarrassed about it. He talked to me, about titles, and perspectives, and his stance... and suddenly, the embarrassment left. I feel smarter now. I feel like I understand an abstract puzzle piece of this world.
Though I probably won't call him Sir again... intentionally anyway.
Monday 1 October 2012
The cave gets an upgrade
I spent about 10 hours today cleaning my room and rearranging the furniture. It was a huge job, and I was surprised I didn't find anything completely disgusting in here.
I now have much more space to play with, and just a generally better looking room. Not it's not so cramped in here, nor embarrassing.
One thing that was a little strange was that since I was rearranging everything, I kept having to rehide my cane and paddle incase my mother walked by. I made sure to hide my bong in a very safe and secret place before I did anything else, so that wasn't a worry. It was kinda funny with the cane though, first it was behind my draws, then inside a curled up poster, then under my bed, then behind something else...
It's incredibly satisfying. I've wanted to do this for ages, but only recently found the motivation. It feels amazing. It looks amazing.
An interesting thing about cleaning up is that you find all these old things that remind you of people. I'm pretty used to my kink gear bring up memories, but I found some old cards from high school, and some things my friend from QLD made me, and it was really nice.
I even found some old drawings I did from 2003, and some of them are pretty good. In a way, it makes me sad that I never continued with it, but in another way, my style seems to have moved away from lifelike and realistic to more abstract interpretations. I've taken up drawing more lately, which is a really good thing for me. I'll post some here when I feel confident enough.
I now have much more space to play with, and just a generally better looking room. Not it's not so cramped in here, nor embarrassing.
One thing that was a little strange was that since I was rearranging everything, I kept having to rehide my cane and paddle incase my mother walked by. I made sure to hide my bong in a very safe and secret place before I did anything else, so that wasn't a worry. It was kinda funny with the cane though, first it was behind my draws, then inside a curled up poster, then under my bed, then behind something else...
It's incredibly satisfying. I've wanted to do this for ages, but only recently found the motivation. It feels amazing. It looks amazing.
An interesting thing about cleaning up is that you find all these old things that remind you of people. I'm pretty used to my kink gear bring up memories, but I found some old cards from high school, and some things my friend from QLD made me, and it was really nice.
I even found some old drawings I did from 2003, and some of them are pretty good. In a way, it makes me sad that I never continued with it, but in another way, my style seems to have moved away from lifelike and realistic to more abstract interpretations. I've taken up drawing more lately, which is a really good thing for me. I'll post some here when I feel confident enough.
Saturday 29 September 2012
Rituals, or Healthy Body Healthy Mind
In my last relationship, the state of my body was pretty much irrelevant. It's nice in some ways, if I didn't feel up to shaving something (even my face) then it didn't matter. But I wanted it to matter, I wanted her to care. Like most things though, it wasn't met with much interest, so I just let it slide until I didn't care about it anymore either.
The last month, though, I've had a desire to care about my body. Every week, I put aside an hour or two, and shave everything below the neck, and lay in bed, naked and wet and tired, and just absorb the feeling. It's a hard thing to grasp, to feel positive about my own body beyond "it's just barely good enough" but ever since I started this, I've felt... sexy.
I've even gotten to the point where I've taken some new photos of myself for FetLife, and all have been met with positivity. Again, like my previous revelation, I'm not putting them up to gain validation from others. This is me flaunting newfound confidence.
The interesting thing is that this is all in my head, but that doesn't make it a bad thing. All I'm doing is shaving some hair. I'm not losing weight, or fixing my female voice, or even dressing differently. It's just... hair. Yet it's removal is making me feel good about myself, and my physical body. It's a strange new feeling to care about your own body in some way.
The last month, though, I've had a desire to care about my body. Every week, I put aside an hour or two, and shave everything below the neck, and lay in bed, naked and wet and tired, and just absorb the feeling. It's a hard thing to grasp, to feel positive about my own body beyond "it's just barely good enough" but ever since I started this, I've felt... sexy.
I've even gotten to the point where I've taken some new photos of myself for FetLife, and all have been met with positivity. Again, like my previous revelation, I'm not putting them up to gain validation from others. This is me flaunting newfound confidence.
The interesting thing is that this is all in my head, but that doesn't make it a bad thing. All I'm doing is shaving some hair. I'm not losing weight, or fixing my female voice, or even dressing differently. It's just... hair. Yet it's removal is making me feel good about myself, and my physical body. It's a strange new feeling to care about your own body in some way.
Thursday 27 September 2012
The Log, and other things
The Pills are making me sleep way more than I used to. They don't make me tired, but when I'm asleep I'm down for a long time. Every night for the last 3 weeks I've been asleep between 10 - 14 hours. Today, I slept in through 3 separate alarms that were set to make sure I'd be awake early enough to go to my friends place to watch movies before we had to go to our transgroup meeting.
Well, obviously it didn't work, which is disappointing because my computer has died again, and she knows it's making me miserable, and invited me over to get me out of the house and get my mind off it. It's really sweet, and I'm frustrated I slept through spending more time with her. I sleep through a lot of things lately.
It's kind of nice, in a way. I know that when I go to sleep, I can stay there for half a day. I've been having a lot of different dreams, too.
Another thing The Pills are effecting is... not really my memory, but more my perception of time. I saw my friends earlier today, I know that for a fact, but it feels like it was a few days ago, or even last week. Yesterday feels like a week ago, and the day before feels so distant I barely remember it.
It makes my life right now very surreal. I feel like I've been writing this post for hours, but I know it's only been 10 minutes at most. In a way, it makes big events stand out more than usual, because I can still remember them really well, just not the surrounding stuff as much. It's actually made my mind a lot less cluttered, which is always a good thing.
And finally, I mentioned my computer being broken. It's making me pretty sad, partly because I may lose almost a decades worth of chat logs and irreplaceable pictures, but also because that computer is where I let off my steam. It has my video games on it, where I can finally let loose my aggression and anger, or just fade away and get lost in a world that isn't this one. Sure, I can just reinstall them, but they're all attached to Steam, so it will take a long long time until I'm back up and running if I have to start over.
The pictures and chat logs, however... those will be gone for good. I really don't want that to happen.
Well, obviously it didn't work, which is disappointing because my computer has died again, and she knows it's making me miserable, and invited me over to get me out of the house and get my mind off it. It's really sweet, and I'm frustrated I slept through spending more time with her. I sleep through a lot of things lately.
It's kind of nice, in a way. I know that when I go to sleep, I can stay there for half a day. I've been having a lot of different dreams, too.
Another thing The Pills are effecting is... not really my memory, but more my perception of time. I saw my friends earlier today, I know that for a fact, but it feels like it was a few days ago, or even last week. Yesterday feels like a week ago, and the day before feels so distant I barely remember it.
It makes my life right now very surreal. I feel like I've been writing this post for hours, but I know it's only been 10 minutes at most. In a way, it makes big events stand out more than usual, because I can still remember them really well, just not the surrounding stuff as much. It's actually made my mind a lot less cluttered, which is always a good thing.
And finally, I mentioned my computer being broken. It's making me pretty sad, partly because I may lose almost a decades worth of chat logs and irreplaceable pictures, but also because that computer is where I let off my steam. It has my video games on it, where I can finally let loose my aggression and anger, or just fade away and get lost in a world that isn't this one. Sure, I can just reinstall them, but they're all attached to Steam, so it will take a long long time until I'm back up and running if I have to start over.
The pictures and chat logs, however... those will be gone for good. I really don't want that to happen.
Exposure
I've been hanging out with a friend a lot lately. It's really nice. She understands depression, and has an open mind. I've been pushing that open mind a bit lately, slowly letting little bits of myself out, the kind of stuff I keep hidden from most people. Some of the stuff I write about here.
It's been really interesting. Everything I bring out is met with a smile, a nod, a question... but not disgust. Not repulsion. None of the things I expected to happen by this point.
I don't know if I hate myself, but sometimes I think that I'm too much. My sadness, or Monsters, or Walls, are too much for people to put up with. I think the worst part is that it's happened before, so it's not completely irrational. Even though I'm testing her open mind subconsciously, I think I should put some effort into stopping. While the content may not drive her away, the quantity and frequency might.
Still, it is nice to have someone see me. And I feel like I see her too. I've told very few people in my life about my breakdown 4 years ago, yet with her it was easy. Maybe it's because I know some of her damage, and know she would understand. The worst reaction someone can have after telling them something like that is confusion.
It's been really interesting. Everything I bring out is met with a smile, a nod, a question... but not disgust. Not repulsion. None of the things I expected to happen by this point.
I don't know if I hate myself, but sometimes I think that I'm too much. My sadness, or Monsters, or Walls, are too much for people to put up with. I think the worst part is that it's happened before, so it's not completely irrational. Even though I'm testing her open mind subconsciously, I think I should put some effort into stopping. While the content may not drive her away, the quantity and frequency might.
Still, it is nice to have someone see me. And I feel like I see her too. I've told very few people in my life about my breakdown 4 years ago, yet with her it was easy. Maybe it's because I know some of her damage, and know she would understand. The worst reaction someone can have after telling them something like that is confusion.
Saturday 22 September 2012
The concept of knowing almost too much on a subject
In a delightful contrast to my floundering about with makeup, there are things that I know a lot about. Team Fortress 2 is one example, where I know far too much on the metagame and can outclass most players with little effort.
Another example. which is the focus of this entry, is Marilyn Manson. I have all of their albums, I know almost every song back to front, I've seen them live twice, I have his autobiography, I have a lot of videos of interviews he's had over the years, his appearances on talk shows... I know a lot about him, the band, and a lot of the controversy surrounding everything he does.
It's at the point where I'm starved for The New. I feel like I'm near the ceiling of knowledge when it comes to him. This sadly results in me getting bored with the subject, because of my desire (need) to constantly learn, so if I can't learn more about something I move on.
Thankfully, I happened upon a book, Dissecting Marilyn Manson. I thought it might be interesting. At worst it'll be something to add to my library. At best I'll learn a few things about him.
I just finished reading it, and it's probably one of the most interesting things I've ever read.
What I expected was a mostly on the surface analysis, maybe some lyric quotes, something about religion and bam, instant book. What I got was a complete and total deconstruction of MM, his surrounding philosophies, Satanism, drugs, Alister Crowley, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Manson, The Beatles, gothic culture, industrial music, Nine Inch Nails, the antichrist, decadence, serial killers, David Bowie, glam, gender roles, gender stereotypes, childhood traumas, art, horror, sadomasochism, fetish...
The startling thing is that the more I read, the more I identified with him. Reading through the early chapters about Dr Seuss, I got a flashback to my year 12 art project, which was focused on Green Eggs and Ham, specifically bastardising it into a dark and horrifying book. I remember being obsessed with this idea, but I could never articulate why. The contrast is delightful, really. Such childlike innocence, placed next to horrifying images. Does it corrupt innocence, or shed light on the horror?
Either way, reading through the book (the book about Manson, not Green Egg and Ham) I felt my brain expand as I suddenly relearned old concepts, and figured out how they fit into my life. All of the information was there, but it was arranged badly, so I saw it wrong. What I felt was the pieces falling into place.
The biggest thing I got from this book is that it has given me an intense urge to create.
Another example. which is the focus of this entry, is Marilyn Manson. I have all of their albums, I know almost every song back to front, I've seen them live twice, I have his autobiography, I have a lot of videos of interviews he's had over the years, his appearances on talk shows... I know a lot about him, the band, and a lot of the controversy surrounding everything he does.
It's at the point where I'm starved for The New. I feel like I'm near the ceiling of knowledge when it comes to him. This sadly results in me getting bored with the subject, because of my desire (need) to constantly learn, so if I can't learn more about something I move on.
Thankfully, I happened upon a book, Dissecting Marilyn Manson. I thought it might be interesting. At worst it'll be something to add to my library. At best I'll learn a few things about him.
I just finished reading it, and it's probably one of the most interesting things I've ever read.
What I expected was a mostly on the surface analysis, maybe some lyric quotes, something about religion and bam, instant book. What I got was a complete and total deconstruction of MM, his surrounding philosophies, Satanism, drugs, Alister Crowley, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Manson, The Beatles, gothic culture, industrial music, Nine Inch Nails, the antichrist, decadence, serial killers, David Bowie, glam, gender roles, gender stereotypes, childhood traumas, art, horror, sadomasochism, fetish...
The startling thing is that the more I read, the more I identified with him. Reading through the early chapters about Dr Seuss, I got a flashback to my year 12 art project, which was focused on Green Eggs and Ham, specifically bastardising it into a dark and horrifying book. I remember being obsessed with this idea, but I could never articulate why. The contrast is delightful, really. Such childlike innocence, placed next to horrifying images. Does it corrupt innocence, or shed light on the horror?
Either way, reading through the book (the book about Manson, not Green Egg and Ham) I felt my brain expand as I suddenly relearned old concepts, and figured out how they fit into my life. All of the information was there, but it was arranged badly, so I saw it wrong. What I felt was the pieces falling into place.
The biggest thing I got from this book is that it has given me an intense urge to create.
Friday 21 September 2012
Falling free
I forgot to take The Pills yesterday. By the time I realised, I figured it was too late anyway, so I thought I'd just wait until the next day (today) to take em again. I'm still new on them, sure I can feel their effects and all, but what's one day?
Holy shit. Never again. Last night was fucking weird. I don't know if everything I felt was because I missed taking them, but I felt like total shit, and it's just not worth it.
It started off with a splitting headache, and then suddenly, my mood plummeted. Just straight down with nothing to stop it. For the first time in over 2 weeks, I was in bed on the laptop because I was too sad to do anything else. I've been reading some books, and I really wanted to continue them, but every time I glanced at them the last thing I wanted to do was reach for them, open them, and continue where I left off.
I got a message from a very nice person I've been talking to lately, and he made me smile because he is genuinely one of the most adorable and energetic people I've ever known, but any positivity he brought didn't last long. Eventually, the discussion just went to the depressing things that were on my mind, and I went to sleep, and started to cry. I don't even know why.
I still refuse to believe that was all because of The Pills, but again, I don't think I'll take the chance again.
Holy shit. Never again. Last night was fucking weird. I don't know if everything I felt was because I missed taking them, but I felt like total shit, and it's just not worth it.
It started off with a splitting headache, and then suddenly, my mood plummeted. Just straight down with nothing to stop it. For the first time in over 2 weeks, I was in bed on the laptop because I was too sad to do anything else. I've been reading some books, and I really wanted to continue them, but every time I glanced at them the last thing I wanted to do was reach for them, open them, and continue where I left off.
I got a message from a very nice person I've been talking to lately, and he made me smile because he is genuinely one of the most adorable and energetic people I've ever known, but any positivity he brought didn't last long. Eventually, the discussion just went to the depressing things that were on my mind, and I went to sleep, and started to cry. I don't even know why.
I still refuse to believe that was all because of The Pills, but again, I don't think I'll take the chance again.
Sunday 16 September 2012
A new approach
Lately, my interest in BDSM has shifted. Oh, I still find certain things extremely arousing, and my fetish list still has everything on it. I still (mostly) identify as submissive. So what has changed?
I used to cruise K&P for eyecandy, and maybe ideas for things to try, and that was pretty much all I saw for a long time.
My attention has since shifted to the writing people churn out. I think this is because of my desire (need) to learn as much as I can about a subject I enjoy. There are interesting threads in the groups sometimes, but most of the time it's just an endless barrage of greetings and basic questions that are either irrelevent to me, or I know the answer to already (and considering earlier this year I felt like I was drowning while figuring some of this stuff out, that's a nice yardstick).
This is an interesting shift. But lately my interest in the writing that pops up in K&P has been fading, I think because it seems to loop it's messages. For every "this is my intimate and well written history on this subject" there are a dozen "10 dos and do nots of a scene" or "how to train your submissive" or something like that. Those last things are cool, but they seem to pop up in different skins a lot of the time.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know enough to be able to distinguish the subtle differences between seemingly identical ideas from two different people. But even if I'm right, it still has the same result: I need to learn more.
One frustrating thing about K&P is that it's temporary. No matter how life changingly spectacular something is, it will get moved down the line to make room for new eyecandy. I need to add to my library.
I used to cruise K&P for eyecandy, and maybe ideas for things to try, and that was pretty much all I saw for a long time.
My attention has since shifted to the writing people churn out. I think this is because of my desire (need) to learn as much as I can about a subject I enjoy. There are interesting threads in the groups sometimes, but most of the time it's just an endless barrage of greetings and basic questions that are either irrelevent to me, or I know the answer to already (and considering earlier this year I felt like I was drowning while figuring some of this stuff out, that's a nice yardstick).
This is an interesting shift. But lately my interest in the writing that pops up in K&P has been fading, I think because it seems to loop it's messages. For every "this is my intimate and well written history on this subject" there are a dozen "10 dos and do nots of a scene" or "how to train your submissive" or something like that. Those last things are cool, but they seem to pop up in different skins a lot of the time.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know enough to be able to distinguish the subtle differences between seemingly identical ideas from two different people. But even if I'm right, it still has the same result: I need to learn more.
One frustrating thing about K&P is that it's temporary. No matter how life changingly spectacular something is, it will get moved down the line to make room for new eyecandy. I need to add to my library.
Friday 14 September 2012
Dress ups
Over the last few months, I've been connecting with others a bit more. It's been extremely rewarding.
For the first time in over a year, I had someone who wasn't my ex at my house. I had an actual friend hang out here. Not that no one else has been here, but this is the first person to be here just for the sake of being here. Not to pick me up to go somewhere, not to borrow something. Just to be here.
It was so strange. I kept getting paranoid they'd find something disgusting about my environment. That my mother would harass them. That she'd never want to stay my friend.
As my usual route, I won't name the person, but I shall call them C. C came into my room to show her my Lego collection, and she was impressed, and nostalgic, which then spread to me when I realised just how much Lego I have. Then she spied my clothes rack. I don't have a wardrobe, or closet or anything, just a rack that has clothes hanging off it.
She loved all my goth stuff, so I asked if she wanted to try on my corset. She tried to hide her excitement at this suggestion (meanwhile I was visibly ecstatic I could lace someone up for the first time). So off came some of her layers.
I was somewhat amazed at her body. She is trans, male to female, but always looked and dressed so masculine. She absolutely definitely passes as female, and I can understand not wanting to flaunt femininity, but it seemed a shame, because she has a lot going for her, physically.
Anyway, I cleared a space in front of my massive mirror that my Big Sister gave me, and wrapped it around her. I pulled it in a bit to get in the slack, adjusted the position more, and asked "ready?" and she nodded. I pulled it, and she let out a gasp, and just as I was fixing the X's she said that was tight enough. So I tied it off, and stepped back.
I had forgotten how much fun this was. It's been forever since I've done this with someone. I've documented many times how I like helping out new transgirls, but these kinds of times I get a real thrill. Corsets are sexy, anyone who says otherwise is provably wrong. It suited her quite a bit.
After 5 minutes she had enough of it, so I undid her and she eyed another piece of mine. I left the room and she tried on this dress I have that's just barely too small for me (I bought it as incentive to lose weight) and again, she looked amazing. She is not the kind of person I'm attracted to, but she looked really hot.
She was super shy and awkward. It showed off a lot more skin than I think she was comfortable with, right now. But I think I've created a monster, I've given her a taste for blood. I really hope this was the push she wanted/needed to start dressing how she wants, cos she can definitely pull it off.
God damn. Dress ups are so much fun.
For the first time in over a year, I had someone who wasn't my ex at my house. I had an actual friend hang out here. Not that no one else has been here, but this is the first person to be here just for the sake of being here. Not to pick me up to go somewhere, not to borrow something. Just to be here.
It was so strange. I kept getting paranoid they'd find something disgusting about my environment. That my mother would harass them. That she'd never want to stay my friend.
As my usual route, I won't name the person, but I shall call them C. C came into my room to show her my Lego collection, and she was impressed, and nostalgic, which then spread to me when I realised just how much Lego I have. Then she spied my clothes rack. I don't have a wardrobe, or closet or anything, just a rack that has clothes hanging off it.
She loved all my goth stuff, so I asked if she wanted to try on my corset. She tried to hide her excitement at this suggestion (meanwhile I was visibly ecstatic I could lace someone up for the first time). So off came some of her layers.
I was somewhat amazed at her body. She is trans, male to female, but always looked and dressed so masculine. She absolutely definitely passes as female, and I can understand not wanting to flaunt femininity, but it seemed a shame, because she has a lot going for her, physically.
Anyway, I cleared a space in front of my massive mirror that my Big Sister gave me, and wrapped it around her. I pulled it in a bit to get in the slack, adjusted the position more, and asked "ready?" and she nodded. I pulled it, and she let out a gasp, and just as I was fixing the X's she said that was tight enough. So I tied it off, and stepped back.
I had forgotten how much fun this was. It's been forever since I've done this with someone. I've documented many times how I like helping out new transgirls, but these kinds of times I get a real thrill. Corsets are sexy, anyone who says otherwise is provably wrong. It suited her quite a bit.
After 5 minutes she had enough of it, so I undid her and she eyed another piece of mine. I left the room and she tried on this dress I have that's just barely too small for me (I bought it as incentive to lose weight) and again, she looked amazing. She is not the kind of person I'm attracted to, but she looked really hot.
She was super shy and awkward. It showed off a lot more skin than I think she was comfortable with, right now. But I think I've created a monster, I've given her a taste for blood. I really hope this was the push she wanted/needed to start dressing how she wants, cos she can definitely pull it off.
God damn. Dress ups are so much fun.
Wednesday 12 September 2012
On the leash
Over the course of my last relationship, I found I had an obsession with leashes. I adored being on the end of a leash, I couldn't get enough of it. I even came close to dying because of my love of leashes: I was leashed to the bed one night when she was here, and we went to sleep for the night, and I woke up in the middle of the night because I had turned over multiple times and was strangling myself. I never told her out of fear of never having a leash again (though at the time it seemed more like I'd rather die than never be on a leash again).
It's such a simple thing, too. It's just a chain that leads to my collar, but it can be so powerful. If the person holding it wants me close, they pull me in. If they want me further out, they give me some slack. If they want me to wonder around of my own accord, they take it off. If they want me to stay somewhere, they tie it to something. But even then, you're still under their control, still submitting to them, because you're where they want you.
I found immense comfort being leashed to things. Frequently when I was feeling low, she would leash me to the bed, or she'd put the leash on me and hold onto it while we sat on the couch. I remember one night at a party at her house, I got very sleepy and went to bed. She came in a little while later to check up on me, and I said I wasn't coming back out. She wrapped my old collar around my neck and leashed me to the bed, and kissed me goodnight. I felt so cared for, and loved at that moment.
I think I need to put leashes into the Need category for future relationships.
It's such a simple thing, too. It's just a chain that leads to my collar, but it can be so powerful. If the person holding it wants me close, they pull me in. If they want me further out, they give me some slack. If they want me to wonder around of my own accord, they take it off. If they want me to stay somewhere, they tie it to something. But even then, you're still under their control, still submitting to them, because you're where they want you.
I found immense comfort being leashed to things. Frequently when I was feeling low, she would leash me to the bed, or she'd put the leash on me and hold onto it while we sat on the couch. I remember one night at a party at her house, I got very sleepy and went to bed. She came in a little while later to check up on me, and I said I wasn't coming back out. She wrapped my old collar around my neck and leashed me to the bed, and kissed me goodnight. I felt so cared for, and loved at that moment.
I think I need to put leashes into the Need category for future relationships.
Monday 10 September 2012
Let's meet
Actually, let's not.
I've been talking to someone lately, and it progressed far enough to warrant meeting in person. This is great, I thought, this guy seems decent. We had a lot in common, in terms of kink.
So I asked where he'd like to meet, and he said my house. Um, no, that's not how this works, dude. Why not a cafe? Cafes are nice (and neutral and you're less likely turn me into a statistic), let's go to a cafe. Then, the bombshell: that's too public.
He does not want to be seen in public with me. He says he doesn't want people to know he's bi and kinky. After getting more info, it was clear he was referring to the fact I'm trans.
Dammit, this isn't fair. You can't have so much in common with me, and then be like this.
One strange thing about this is that I can definitely feel The Pills working. My normal reaction to this happening (he is the fourth person to do this) is to sulk for a few days in bed and maybe cry. Not crying over them, really, just crying because it's another layer of icing on the Shit Cake that is being transgender. But today, no tears, very little bed.
I can almost physically feel my thoughts bumping up against a wall, but not that type of Wall either. Maybe it's a new type of Wall, one that's keeping me from accessing the bad thoughts, but my brain is a creature of habit, and doesn't yet understand that there's now a Wall in the way, so it keeps going for them.
The result is me being very confused about my own headspace. Like I said, I can almost feel what's happening in my head now, because something about it has changed. I know what I would normally be feeling, and this latest one has been the worst of them all, so I should be a wreck. But I'm not. I've had a vent to some people, had a minor sulk, and resumed my day. It's not that I haven't felt the hurt, or sadness from this, but now it seems I can put it in it's place a lot better.
Better living through chemistry, indeed.
I've been talking to someone lately, and it progressed far enough to warrant meeting in person. This is great, I thought, this guy seems decent. We had a lot in common, in terms of kink.
So I asked where he'd like to meet, and he said my house. Um, no, that's not how this works, dude. Why not a cafe? Cafes are nice (and neutral and you're less likely turn me into a statistic), let's go to a cafe. Then, the bombshell: that's too public.
He does not want to be seen in public with me. He says he doesn't want people to know he's bi and kinky. After getting more info, it was clear he was referring to the fact I'm trans.
Dammit, this isn't fair. You can't have so much in common with me, and then be like this.
One strange thing about this is that I can definitely feel The Pills working. My normal reaction to this happening (he is the fourth person to do this) is to sulk for a few days in bed and maybe cry. Not crying over them, really, just crying because it's another layer of icing on the Shit Cake that is being transgender. But today, no tears, very little bed.
I can almost physically feel my thoughts bumping up against a wall, but not that type of Wall either. Maybe it's a new type of Wall, one that's keeping me from accessing the bad thoughts, but my brain is a creature of habit, and doesn't yet understand that there's now a Wall in the way, so it keeps going for them.
The result is me being very confused about my own headspace. Like I said, I can almost feel what's happening in my head now, because something about it has changed. I know what I would normally be feeling, and this latest one has been the worst of them all, so I should be a wreck. But I'm not. I've had a vent to some people, had a minor sulk, and resumed my day. It's not that I haven't felt the hurt, or sadness from this, but now it seems I can put it in it's place a lot better.
Better living through chemistry, indeed.
Sunday 9 September 2012
How much is too much?
I like to help people, especially new trans people. I like being that person, it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm giving something back. I also like seeing people grow, become more confident, learn, evolve, change. But at what point do you decide that a person is just too much effort? Can you decide something like that?
I seem to gather people like myself, who like helping others, and we tell each other stories, and each of them has that One that made them give up. I know these people, and they wouldn't make a call like that lightly. So is it reasonable to say "abandon ship" and move on?
At what point does trying to help someone turn into being their only source of motivation?
Is there any point in carrying on this type of relationship when it just isn't working?
Most of these questions have long answers that seem to boil down to what your motivation is for making a call like this. There is definitely a wrong reason to bail on someone like this, but is there a right reason, or just less wrong ones?
If you are there to help this person learn and progress, and they don't listen and don't learn despite your best efforts over a long period of time, is there a reason to continue?
I seem to gather people like myself, who like helping others, and we tell each other stories, and each of them has that One that made them give up. I know these people, and they wouldn't make a call like that lightly. So is it reasonable to say "abandon ship" and move on?
At what point does trying to help someone turn into being their only source of motivation?
Is there any point in carrying on this type of relationship when it just isn't working?
Most of these questions have long answers that seem to boil down to what your motivation is for making a call like this. There is definitely a wrong reason to bail on someone like this, but is there a right reason, or just less wrong ones?
If you are there to help this person learn and progress, and they don't listen and don't learn despite your best efforts over a long period of time, is there a reason to continue?
Thursday 6 September 2012
I write a lot
Taking a glance at my blog, I see I've written 71 entries this year. 72 including this one.
At first I was shocked, how could I have written so much? But then I remembered, I'm used to doing this. I've been writing down my life and thoughts since 2006 and posting it online. This may be my first blog, but I had a journal on a website that got a lot of views and replies.
Unfortunately that place is gone now, taking all my posts with it. Most of it was depressing rants about how shit my life was at the time. At least I have some positive things to say now. I keep thinking, what would those people think of some posts in here? They would have seen not only my gender transition, but my transformation into an almost completely different person. Judging how the rest of my reality took the changes, I'd drift from most of them and find a new audience.
I sometimes feel the need to write a small part of my history, involving my first love, just to re-immortalise it somewhere. It seems a shame to let something like that slip into obscurity when it occupied a defining time in my life. Maybe one day.
I really enjoy writing. From what I've been told, people enjoy reading what I write, which is good, but I'd still do it even if it was hated, I'd probably just do it in a less public space.
At first I was shocked, how could I have written so much? But then I remembered, I'm used to doing this. I've been writing down my life and thoughts since 2006 and posting it online. This may be my first blog, but I had a journal on a website that got a lot of views and replies.
Unfortunately that place is gone now, taking all my posts with it. Most of it was depressing rants about how shit my life was at the time. At least I have some positive things to say now. I keep thinking, what would those people think of some posts in here? They would have seen not only my gender transition, but my transformation into an almost completely different person. Judging how the rest of my reality took the changes, I'd drift from most of them and find a new audience.
I sometimes feel the need to write a small part of my history, involving my first love, just to re-immortalise it somewhere. It seems a shame to let something like that slip into obscurity when it occupied a defining time in my life. Maybe one day.
I really enjoy writing. From what I've been told, people enjoy reading what I write, which is good, but I'd still do it even if it was hated, I'd probably just do it in a less public space.
Submission and you
How do you spot a douchebag who's masquerading as a Dominant?
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but it's reminding me that I just don't know what to look for in terms of warning signs or good points. I could be talking to a sociopath, or worse, someone vanilla. What if he only has interest in me because I'm trans? Or because I'm easy? Or because I don't have much experience and can exploit that?
On the flip side, assuming he is genuine and good and not crazy or vanilla and all that, what if I bore him? What if I'm too damaged, or inexperienced, or scared?
The scary end to this is that I just don't know. In this case, he's interchangeable with anyone who would be interested in me. In my head, the idea of submitting under another person is... terrifying, and I have to keep reminding myself why I want this. It's the ambiguity of it. If I imagine submitting to someone, then of course it's scary. But if I imagine submitting to someone who I like, who I understand, who is understanding, it removes a lot of the fear. If there were no fear, I wouldn't be taking it seriously, and I wouldn't be thinking about it, right?
How do you spot a scared little girl who's masquerading as a submissive?
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but it's reminding me that I just don't know what to look for in terms of warning signs or good points. I could be talking to a sociopath, or worse, someone vanilla. What if he only has interest in me because I'm trans? Or because I'm easy? Or because I don't have much experience and can exploit that?
On the flip side, assuming he is genuine and good and not crazy or vanilla and all that, what if I bore him? What if I'm too damaged, or inexperienced, or scared?
The scary end to this is that I just don't know. In this case, he's interchangeable with anyone who would be interested in me. In my head, the idea of submitting under another person is... terrifying, and I have to keep reminding myself why I want this. It's the ambiguity of it. If I imagine submitting to someone, then of course it's scary. But if I imagine submitting to someone who I like, who I understand, who is understanding, it removes a lot of the fear. If there were no fear, I wouldn't be taking it seriously, and I wouldn't be thinking about it, right?
How do you spot a scared little girl who's masquerading as a submissive?
Tuesday 4 September 2012
BLTC pt5
I went back to The Doctor yesterday, explained what happened, and not much was said about it.
He asked if I was feeling any effects from it, and I mentioned my sex drive disappearing almost completely. I remember back in high school, I hated my sex drive. I was really happy on the days where I felt nothing, and that's still the case. So these last few weeks where I've had no desire to touch myself, or anybody else, have been great for me.
Outside of that, my mood seemed to be picking up, but I don't know how much of that is because of the pills. Either way, I've been smiling a lot more lately.
However, the chemist I stopped in at on the way home didn't have what I needed, and I was totally out. I would have gone somewhere else, but my mother was expecting me to have done something before she got home, so I went home instead. And of course I only just get home with enough time to do that, and I sit down at the computer to relax and she comes home and gets angry that I'm so tired.
Oh well. At least I've got the pills now.
He asked if I was feeling any effects from it, and I mentioned my sex drive disappearing almost completely. I remember back in high school, I hated my sex drive. I was really happy on the days where I felt nothing, and that's still the case. So these last few weeks where I've had no desire to touch myself, or anybody else, have been great for me.
Outside of that, my mood seemed to be picking up, but I don't know how much of that is because of the pills. Either way, I've been smiling a lot more lately.
However, the chemist I stopped in at on the way home didn't have what I needed, and I was totally out. I would have gone somewhere else, but my mother was expecting me to have done something before she got home, so I went home instead. And of course I only just get home with enough time to do that, and I sit down at the computer to relax and she comes home and gets angry that I'm so tired.
Oh well. At least I've got the pills now.
Monday 3 September 2012
On the verge...
I've been reading a lot lately. Learning. Understanding.
For once I'm not reading comics. For once I'm not playing games. For once I'm not reading pseudophilosophical crap found on internet forums written by 16 year olds. I've fallen back into an old groove I'd forgotten was a big part of me. And it's making me want. Making me need.
I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something, but I don't know what. Whatever it is, it's making me want to create again, when all I've wanted to do for so long is destroy.
For once I'm not reading comics. For once I'm not playing games. For once I'm not reading pseudophilosophical crap found on internet forums written by 16 year olds. I've fallen back into an old groove I'd forgotten was a big part of me. And it's making me want. Making me need.
I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something, but I don't know what. Whatever it is, it's making me want to create again, when all I've wanted to do for so long is destroy.
Friday 31 August 2012
y
Ever since I wrote that previous post a few days ago, I've been testing how deep being little goes. My conclusion: extremely deep.
Despite stating otherwise and putting effort into not doing exactly that, it turns out I am treating this like a tumour to be removed, but I didn't realise until earlier today. Whenever I would do something childish, I'd stop myself. By the end of the second day, I was getting really frustrated at myself because no matter what happened, I wouldn't stop. I had pushed away all of my stuffed toys by this point.
By the end of the third day, I seemed to have stopped all the things that made me frustrated... but I missed them. It was like a part of me had died. This morning when I woke up, I noticed that all my stuffed toys were scattered all over my bed and far away from me.
Tonight, I started crying and hugging my dead elephant and apologising to her. I can't tell if this is a healthy thing done in an unhealthy way, or something unhealthy entirely. Either way, I have a lot of stuffed toys to apologise to and a new strategy to think of.
Despite stating otherwise and putting effort into not doing exactly that, it turns out I am treating this like a tumour to be removed, but I didn't realise until earlier today. Whenever I would do something childish, I'd stop myself. By the end of the second day, I was getting really frustrated at myself because no matter what happened, I wouldn't stop. I had pushed away all of my stuffed toys by this point.
By the end of the third day, I seemed to have stopped all the things that made me frustrated... but I missed them. It was like a part of me had died. This morning when I woke up, I noticed that all my stuffed toys were scattered all over my bed and far away from me.
Tonight, I started crying and hugging my dead elephant and apologising to her. I can't tell if this is a healthy thing done in an unhealthy way, or something unhealthy entirely. Either way, I have a lot of stuffed toys to apologise to and a new strategy to think of.
Thursday 30 August 2012
Better Living Through Chemistry pt4.5
Maybe I remembered wrong. No, the instructions are on the box.
Maybe I'm a week ahead of myself. No, I put it on my calander.
Maybe I dropped a tray of them. No, I'm always really careful.
I've almost run out of pills. How is this even possible? I thought doctors (especially this doctor) and chemists were always careful about this kind of thing. If I keep up the old amount per day, I've only got enough for 2 more days, and I see The Doctor on tuesday.
I'm so fucking frustrated about this. This wasn't even my fault. I thought The Universe wanted me on these things, but I'm getting so many mixed messages.
So I've halved the dosage to spread it out longer, and tried to get an earlier appointment with The Doctor, but he's full. I should just barely make it.
Maybe I'm a week ahead of myself. No, I put it on my calander.
Maybe I dropped a tray of them. No, I'm always really careful.
I've almost run out of pills. How is this even possible? I thought doctors (especially this doctor) and chemists were always careful about this kind of thing. If I keep up the old amount per day, I've only got enough for 2 more days, and I see The Doctor on tuesday.
I'm so fucking frustrated about this. This wasn't even my fault. I thought The Universe wanted me on these things, but I'm getting so many mixed messages.
So I've halved the dosage to spread it out longer, and tried to get an earlier appointment with The Doctor, but he's full. I should just barely make it.
Monday 27 August 2012
little ylatch Big Ylatch
I had issues growing up. Things that stunted my growth, mentally. I became too attached to my mother, and was wrapped in cotton wool for a long time.
I've known this for a long time, and I'm working through it with my psych. She figured that my independency level was about equal with a 14 year olds, which sounds about right. I almost have no experience as an adult... which is why I feel like ageplay is dangerous for me. It keeps me in that mindframe of a child, when I really need to grow up, and move on. It let me, and encouraged me, to stay in that place.
My stuffed toys are looking really worried at the moment, but they shouldn't be scared. They're not going anywhere. This isn't me feeling like I should cut out a tumour, even though that's how it started. I'm not going to throw out all the childhood things I love, and force myself to hate them. They're all a part of me. Being little is a part of me (just like being kinky, being a puppy, being submissive, being trans... I'm a lot of things) and I'm not giving it up. Just... putting it in its place, I guess.
I've known this for a long time, and I'm working through it with my psych. She figured that my independency level was about equal with a 14 year olds, which sounds about right. I almost have no experience as an adult... which is why I feel like ageplay is dangerous for me. It keeps me in that mindframe of a child, when I really need to grow up, and move on. It let me, and encouraged me, to stay in that place.
My stuffed toys are looking really worried at the moment, but they shouldn't be scared. They're not going anywhere. This isn't me feeling like I should cut out a tumour, even though that's how it started. I'm not going to throw out all the childhood things I love, and force myself to hate them. They're all a part of me. Being little is a part of me (just like being kinky, being a puppy, being submissive, being trans... I'm a lot of things) and I'm not giving it up. Just... putting it in its place, I guess.
Saturday 25 August 2012
The memories in a collar
I was cleaning up my room earlier today because it's been far too long, I could barely see the floor anymore. I like having a clean room, cleaning my room helps clear my mind, makes me feel like I've done something which is pretty rare for me nowadays. Then I look through this alcove under my TV to rearrange some DVDs and see all my old kink gear. Chains, pinwheels, cuffs, a paddle that hasn't been used yet.... and my old collar.
I have a lot of memories of this. I remember when we bought it, we looked for weeks to find just the right collar. I remember when it was common for me to wear it for days at a time, because I was out of my house and at hers. I remember sleeping in it for the first time, and her holding onto it, making sure I wasn't going anywhere, like I was some precious pet. I remember her taking me for walks on a leash in it. I remember bursting into tears one day when she had to leave, and went to take the collar off, because I loved feeling like I was hers.
When I found it before, I started crying. So many memories that this one piece of leather and metal bring back... but none of them sad. Every single memory I have of it, and wearing it, is a happy memory. I don't have anything else in my life that holds exclusively happy memories.
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Better Living Through Chemistry pt4
It's been a week since I saw The Doctor, which means it's time to up my dosage. Two capsules a day, instead of one. Still not at a level, or amount of time, where I should feel anything though.
My mother still doesn't know. A combination of not wanting to have that conversation and her being unavailable. But she has to know soon.
Unless I feel something before then, this is going to be my last BLTC post until two weeks from now, which is when I should be getting upped to a dosage that has an effect.
My mother still doesn't know. A combination of not wanting to have that conversation and her being unavailable. But she has to know soon.
Unless I feel something before then, this is going to be my last BLTC post until two weeks from now, which is when I should be getting upped to a dosage that has an effect.
Thursday 16 August 2012
Bottom heavy pt2
A few weeks ago I noticed the platform on my boots was coming off, so I stopped wearing them and vowed to get them repaired. And I kept that promise, even if I waited almost a month.
I felt so naked without them. I just wish I did this sooner, it was so easy. But I procrastinate a lot, which is one of the many things I'm trying to fix about myself.
Also, It's funny this happened now, because it's been almost a year since I first got them.
I felt so naked without them. I just wish I did this sooner, it was so easy. But I procrastinate a lot, which is one of the many things I'm trying to fix about myself.
Also, It's funny this happened now, because it's been almost a year since I first got them.
Wednesday 15 August 2012
Trial by Fire: BLTC pt3
I went to The Doctor today, and got the results of my magical blood test. Everything looks to be clear, kidney and liver are functioning just fine, hormone levels are good and doing what they're meant to... and I also came home with a new box of pills.
I'm nervous. I've heard so many horror stories, seen so many friends slip away. I can't say that I know I'm doing the right thing, I'm more hoping, and trusting. The fact that this can be stopped at any time is also comforting. Large safety net.
I laid it all out for The Doctor. Not really understanding the process, how I feel like I'm stuck in a hole, what I thought was going to happen last time... everything. I even said how unsure I was about doing this, but if they really can help then I'll give it a try. Then it got really casual, and he told me a list of side-effects and things to look out for, and how to know if it's working or not, and how fast/slow it would be. I said those are all acceptible potentials for me, and I understood the risks, and how to handle them.
I walked out of his office with a script and a short-term plan. I've never had a short-term plan before. I've never had any plan before... not one I've liked, anyway.
The way home was terrible. I felt... sad and alone. For some reason I had it in my head that everyone around me just knew what I had done, that I'm some kind of fuck up who can't function. I even had a panic attack on the bus home.
Right now I'm just remembering that, ultimately, this was my choice to make. I'm doing this because it has the potential to help me. I can stop at any time. I know what I'm getting myself in for. Now all that's left is to do it and hope for the best.
I'm nervous. I've heard so many horror stories, seen so many friends slip away. I can't say that I know I'm doing the right thing, I'm more hoping, and trusting. The fact that this can be stopped at any time is also comforting. Large safety net.
I laid it all out for The Doctor. Not really understanding the process, how I feel like I'm stuck in a hole, what I thought was going to happen last time... everything. I even said how unsure I was about doing this, but if they really can help then I'll give it a try. Then it got really casual, and he told me a list of side-effects and things to look out for, and how to know if it's working or not, and how fast/slow it would be. I said those are all acceptible potentials for me, and I understood the risks, and how to handle them.
I walked out of his office with a script and a short-term plan. I've never had a short-term plan before. I've never had any plan before... not one I've liked, anyway.
The way home was terrible. I felt... sad and alone. For some reason I had it in my head that everyone around me just knew what I had done, that I'm some kind of fuck up who can't function. I even had a panic attack on the bus home.
Right now I'm just remembering that, ultimately, this was my choice to make. I'm doing this because it has the potential to help me. I can stop at any time. I know what I'm getting myself in for. Now all that's left is to do it and hope for the best.
Monday 6 August 2012
Nothing fancy
No metaphors. No revelations. No sadness.
I just felt the need to document my first ever blood test where I didn't throw up, or get dizzy, or cry, or anything.
It was easy, for once.
I just felt the need to document my first ever blood test where I didn't throw up, or get dizzy, or cry, or anything.
It was easy, for once.
Sunday 5 August 2012
Birth
I've been thinking about them, the Monsters, and how we have a strange relationship. I cling to them in false hope. If I listen to them, I'll be safe. If I listen to them, they end up being right, and stronger, which makes me more likely to listen to them again later. We already know this, this isn't news. But I've been thinking where they came from, and I thought about why I call them Monsters:
Dr Frankenstein created a monster.
A man is bitten by a monster and turned into another monster.
Something terrible happens to a man, and he turns into a monster.
Monsters aren't born. They're created. Grown. They come from somewhere. Dark places, light places, scary places, happy places. They're handed down. Passed on. Given to others. But they're organic, and happen naturally. Everyone has Monsters of some kind. I think I need to learn when I don't need to listen to them.
Dr Frankenstein created a monster.
A man is bitten by a monster and turned into another monster.
Something terrible happens to a man, and he turns into a monster.
Monsters aren't born. They're created. Grown. They come from somewhere. Dark places, light places, scary places, happy places. They're handed down. Passed on. Given to others. But they're organic, and happen naturally. Everyone has Monsters of some kind. I think I need to learn when I don't need to listen to them.
Friday 3 August 2012
Wanting and doing
Sigh.
Tomorrow I'm going to a dentist to get a local anesthetic so I can get electrolysis done on my lip without excruciating pain (there's a nerve that runs under the nose on the lip that is very sensitive). I hate getting needles, which I think I've said before. But I realise this is the lesser of two evils, so I'm going to get this done. Last time I nearly threw up. I was scared, but I had someone with me to take care of me, so it was ok. Tomorrow it's looking like I'll have someone there again, which is good.
I also have to get a blood test for that other thing that's going on right now. I've been putting it off but I'm almost out of hormones so that kinda forced my hand. The appointment is for monday. Just the thought of this is putting me on edge. I haven't had a blood test done by myself in a long time...
Where I'm going with this, is that these are things I do not want to do, but they're in the way of things I want. So I'm gonna do it. I'm not going to enjoy them, not even a little bit. In fact I'm expecting one of them to make me feel terrible for the rest of the day. And yet, I'm still going.
I thought writing this would make me feel better about going. It's kinda made me feel worse. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm going to a dentist to get a local anesthetic so I can get electrolysis done on my lip without excruciating pain (there's a nerve that runs under the nose on the lip that is very sensitive). I hate getting needles, which I think I've said before. But I realise this is the lesser of two evils, so I'm going to get this done. Last time I nearly threw up. I was scared, but I had someone with me to take care of me, so it was ok. Tomorrow it's looking like I'll have someone there again, which is good.
I also have to get a blood test for that other thing that's going on right now. I've been putting it off but I'm almost out of hormones so that kinda forced my hand. The appointment is for monday. Just the thought of this is putting me on edge. I haven't had a blood test done by myself in a long time...
Where I'm going with this, is that these are things I do not want to do, but they're in the way of things I want. So I'm gonna do it. I'm not going to enjoy them, not even a little bit. In fact I'm expecting one of them to make me feel terrible for the rest of the day. And yet, I'm still going.
I thought writing this would make me feel better about going. It's kinda made me feel worse. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
Monday 30 July 2012
Bringing down Walls
Slowly learning that letting down Walls doesn't just cause pain, but can be vastly rewarding.
I feel myself growing closer to people every day. Feel friendships more vividly. Feel less anxious around people. Feel more connected to myself, and the world around me. Feel more in control.
You can also find a lot of yourself in others, which I'd forgotten.
I feel myself growing closer to people every day. Feel friendships more vividly. Feel less anxious around people. Feel more connected to myself, and the world around me. Feel more in control.
You can also find a lot of yourself in others, which I'd forgotten.
Saturday 28 July 2012
Pain
You know what sucks? Unlocking your masochism, and then having no one to play with.
Since I'm getting electrolysis regularly, however, it kinda takes the edge off. I used to try to work on not letting myself slip into that same mindframe as when I used to play, but since I've been craving it for a few weeks I decided to let myself go there. And it worked. And it felt oh so good. I remember there was this one abnormally painful hair, and while it was excruciating, as soon as it was out I floated for a few seconds.
What didn't feel good was after it, though. After a scene I just need... quiet, and dark. I got none of that, and while it was nice hanging out with a friend, I just needed time alone. Last time something like this happened I got a bit crazy.
What Serina said is still correct, I need some kind of post-treatment support here. I never really received any before, and I remember that first time I went, and took care of myself, so I guess I can just do that again.
Since I'm getting electrolysis regularly, however, it kinda takes the edge off. I used to try to work on not letting myself slip into that same mindframe as when I used to play, but since I've been craving it for a few weeks I decided to let myself go there. And it worked. And it felt oh so good. I remember there was this one abnormally painful hair, and while it was excruciating, as soon as it was out I floated for a few seconds.
What didn't feel good was after it, though. After a scene I just need... quiet, and dark. I got none of that, and while it was nice hanging out with a friend, I just needed time alone. Last time something like this happened I got a bit crazy.
What Serina said is still correct, I need some kind of post-treatment support here. I never really received any before, and I remember that first time I went, and took care of myself, so I guess I can just do that again.
Friday 27 July 2012
Surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
So begins a new phase in my life. I've spent a lot of the last week inside my own head, and as much as I've written lately, it's only been a small glimpse.
I did not realise it until it was pointed out by someone I deeply cared about, but things in my life have been getting worse, my head has been getting worse. I just wish I'd paid attention sooner.
I thought I was just... beyond help, but I didn't ever really try. I was too scared to get real help. Too scared to fail, and succeed. Normally, I'd bitch about it for a few days and then not do anything. But I've already started with the help of that same someone. Now it's up to me to continue.
I do not have an easy road ahead of me. I feel alone, even though I'm surrounded by people who love me. Like I said before, I don't really know where I'm going, but I'm going there. I'm absolutely terrified, but it's time for me to do something for myself, to improve myself.
With a new phase, comes a new blog title. Like the old one, it comes from a song. Unlike the old one, however, this comes from a place of positivity, a desire to help yourself, but most of all... recovery.
I choose to live.
I did not realise it until it was pointed out by someone I deeply cared about, but things in my life have been getting worse, my head has been getting worse. I just wish I'd paid attention sooner.
I thought I was just... beyond help, but I didn't ever really try. I was too scared to get real help. Too scared to fail, and succeed. Normally, I'd bitch about it for a few days and then not do anything. But I've already started with the help of that same someone. Now it's up to me to continue.
I do not have an easy road ahead of me. I feel alone, even though I'm surrounded by people who love me. Like I said before, I don't really know where I'm going, but I'm going there. I'm absolutely terrified, but it's time for me to do something for myself, to improve myself.
With a new phase, comes a new blog title. Like the old one, it comes from a song. Unlike the old one, however, this comes from a place of positivity, a desire to help yourself, but most of all... recovery.
I choose to live.
Wednesday 25 July 2012
Security blanket
I was thinking about recent events in my life, and I suddenly got very sad, and anxious. I was listening to music through my speakers, because mum isn't home, but when I started thinking about these things I suddenly wanted my headphones on, even though I was already listening to music.
Maybe this is one of those Walls I talked about before, to keep things out. When you've got headphones on, the only thing that exists is what is pumping through them. When my mum has been in a bad mood, I put them on and turn up the music so I can't hear her anymore.
Maybe it's a byproduct of the music? I associate headphones with music, so I just feel better with them on?
Putting them on, I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. The last few weeks have lead me to believe that keeping people out isn't the best, and the fact something that stops communication with others makes me so comfortable is... counter to what I want.
Exposed, is the word. That's how I felt, and that scares me. I just wish it didn't.
Maybe this is one of those Walls I talked about before, to keep things out. When you've got headphones on, the only thing that exists is what is pumping through them. When my mum has been in a bad mood, I put them on and turn up the music so I can't hear her anymore.
Maybe it's a byproduct of the music? I associate headphones with music, so I just feel better with them on?
Putting them on, I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. The last few weeks have lead me to believe that keeping people out isn't the best, and the fact something that stops communication with others makes me so comfortable is... counter to what I want.
Exposed, is the word. That's how I felt, and that scares me. I just wish it didn't.
Tuesday 24 July 2012
BLTC pt2 a
There was a post here, but I deleted it. Let's try that again now I've calmed down a bit.
I'm angry, frustrated, confused, scared, hurt and lonely. The doctor did not go as I had planned. I just wanted to go in, get some drugs and leave. Apparently that's not why we went. I thought that since everyone had been trying to get me on anti-depressants this whole time, it would be easy to do. No one mentioned what would actually happen.
The situation has gone from me begrudgingly going along with it, to having to actually be involved. Now I feel like I need to actually want this, rather than just cruise along because everyone else says I should do this. That's a struggle.
I remember something I said a while ago, about killing myself: the suicide rate for trans people is insanely high, being trans sucks and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but that's not why I want to kill myself. So I don't see the point in doing it.
There's a lot more there than I first realised. I thought that just meant I didn't want to off myself, but maybe there's more to it than that. If I really didn't care about myself, why would I be this far into transition? If I truly didn't care, I'd be dead, or a totally different person.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how I'll get there. But there is something there. Unfortunately, it seems I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I expected, or wanted. I'm backed into a corner with not much choice though. That's better than nothing, I guess.
I'm angry, frustrated, confused, scared, hurt and lonely. The doctor did not go as I had planned. I just wanted to go in, get some drugs and leave. Apparently that's not why we went. I thought that since everyone had been trying to get me on anti-depressants this whole time, it would be easy to do. No one mentioned what would actually happen.
The situation has gone from me begrudgingly going along with it, to having to actually be involved. Now I feel like I need to actually want this, rather than just cruise along because everyone else says I should do this. That's a struggle.
I remember something I said a while ago, about killing myself: the suicide rate for trans people is insanely high, being trans sucks and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but that's not why I want to kill myself. So I don't see the point in doing it.
There's a lot more there than I first realised. I thought that just meant I didn't want to off myself, but maybe there's more to it than that. If I really didn't care about myself, why would I be this far into transition? If I truly didn't care, I'd be dead, or a totally different person.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how I'll get there. But there is something there. Unfortunately, it seems I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I expected, or wanted. I'm backed into a corner with not much choice though. That's better than nothing, I guess.
Monday 23 July 2012
The Anger
I hate this feeling. Being so angry all the time. It's so raw, so powerful, so horrible. This is how I used to be all the time. Hating everything. I don't like being this person.
Something happened on wednesday night, but it's kinda hazy. I don't remember much of it. I remember being out with Serina the next day to see Batman, and I was still really angry, and I wasn't even really all there, which makes me sad because I miss her a lot, so I feel like I wrecked the night.
I don't really know how to handle it, because I don't know any safe outlets, and I know bottling it up makes it way worse.
Something happened on wednesday night, but it's kinda hazy. I don't remember much of it. I remember being out with Serina the next day to see Batman, and I was still really angry, and I wasn't even really all there, which makes me sad because I miss her a lot, so I feel like I wrecked the night.
I don't really know how to handle it, because I don't know any safe outlets, and I know bottling it up makes it way worse.
Sunday 22 July 2012
Better living through chemistry
For years people have been trying to shove anti-depressants down my throat, and I've resisted. Almost everyone I knew had suggested it, but I kept saying no this whole time. Then Serina said I should do it, and that broke me. The person I trusted the most was betraying me like this? Right to my face? How could she do this?
And I just... hated everything for a while. I was so shaken by it, so shocked, I just caved in and finally said I'd do it.
I was so confused. This felt like a backstab, like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, even Serina. But I was still going to do it, though I didn't know why. I didn't want to, I don't want to. I called the doctor yesterday, and wanted to throw up immediately afterwards, and not because of anxiety about using the phone for once. I felt like I'd just given up. Stopped fighting. Betrayed myself. Quit.
But wait... maybe all these people think I should do this, not because they hate me, but because they love me. Because they want what's best for me. Because they want me to be happy. Depression fucks with your head, right? Maybe I'm the one who doesn't see clearly, not them. Maybe staying where I am isn't healthy.
So I guess I'm just trusting them, and doing it for them. And if doing it for others is not a good reason to take anti-depressants... well, it's the best reason anyone's gonna get with any sort of truth from me, where I do this voluntarily.
And I just... hated everything for a while. I was so shaken by it, so shocked, I just caved in and finally said I'd do it.
I was so confused. This felt like a backstab, like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, even Serina. But I was still going to do it, though I didn't know why. I didn't want to, I don't want to. I called the doctor yesterday, and wanted to throw up immediately afterwards, and not because of anxiety about using the phone for once. I felt like I'd just given up. Stopped fighting. Betrayed myself. Quit.
But wait... maybe all these people think I should do this, not because they hate me, but because they love me. Because they want what's best for me. Because they want me to be happy. Depression fucks with your head, right? Maybe I'm the one who doesn't see clearly, not them. Maybe staying where I am isn't healthy.
So I guess I'm just trusting them, and doing it for them. And if doing it for others is not a good reason to take anti-depressants... well, it's the best reason anyone's gonna get with any sort of truth from me, where I do this voluntarily.
Thursday 19 July 2012
Trapped
Tonight ended sooner than I'd expected. A lot sooner. I had the choice of going home or staying in the city for hours and hours with a dead phone and iPod with about 20% battery. So I just went home.
Every time I walk in that door I remember why I always hesitate to come back. It's so small and loud and bright. And my mother is awful to live with. I can't have much privacy, and when I do she asks what I'm doing in my room. I can't even have friends over because she doesn't leave us alone, and gets angry when we make too much noise.
It's impossible to be tired, and just want quiet time as well, because she gets offended when I don't have the energy to listen to everything she says. I hate it when I've had a big night and I get home, exhausted, and she's still up, and wanting to know everything that happened with endless questions when I just want to sit down for a while first. It's a great night for me when I get home before her, so I can relax on my own terms.
But the worst is that she gets angry at me for being depressed.
This all wasn't too bad, because I had a way out. But now that way out is gone, so I'm left trying to cope with the prospect of staying here for a very very long time.
Every time I walk in that door I remember why I always hesitate to come back. It's so small and loud and bright. And my mother is awful to live with. I can't have much privacy, and when I do she asks what I'm doing in my room. I can't even have friends over because she doesn't leave us alone, and gets angry when we make too much noise.
It's impossible to be tired, and just want quiet time as well, because she gets offended when I don't have the energy to listen to everything she says. I hate it when I've had a big night and I get home, exhausted, and she's still up, and wanting to know everything that happened with endless questions when I just want to sit down for a while first. It's a great night for me when I get home before her, so I can relax on my own terms.
But the worst is that she gets angry at me for being depressed.
This all wasn't too bad, because I had a way out. But now that way out is gone, so I'm left trying to cope with the prospect of staying here for a very very long time.
Monday 16 July 2012
Walls, Monsters and fighting
I have high Walls. And a lot of Monsters.
I thought that the Walls just kept people out. But I found out they're also good at keeping the Monsters in. The Walls are bad, but there is no doubt they're good at what they do.
The Walls isolate me, and leave me blocked off. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel distant.Unlike the Monsters, I know where the Walls came from for the most part. I've been working on letting them down, and letting people see me. People who aren't Serina. And I've actually had good results.
The Walls also effect my self esteem: I don't really see people one-on-one, and I've talked myself into believing that's because no one would want to be around just me. Not just think it, but actually believe it, trapping me inside with the Monsters.
Though they're both different obstacles, they both can be overcome with the same strategy: acknowledge, understand, resist. What I've been doing is essentially pretending there isn't a problem until I'm overrun. I remember vividly before my last crash that I felt it coming, and I did nothing. Nothing to stop it, nothing to think about it. I didn't even tell Serina that I was feeling low, until it blew up in our faces.
I've heard people say it's easier to give in than it is to fight. That's not true. Not for me. There is no "easy" here. The guilt, and regret I feel when I give up... that isn't easy. At least it's enough to push me back out of it. Enough to convince me fighting is worth it. Like a weird kind of motivation, I suppose.
The Walls and Monsters are.... a part of me. Which is scary to think about, but also a relief, because if I can change, so can they.
This is all great, but just talking about this doesn't stop it. What I'm doing here, right now, is understanding it.
I thought that the Walls just kept people out. But I found out they're also good at keeping the Monsters in. The Walls are bad, but there is no doubt they're good at what they do.
The Walls isolate me, and leave me blocked off. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel distant.Unlike the Monsters, I know where the Walls came from for the most part. I've been working on letting them down, and letting people see me. People who aren't Serina. And I've actually had good results.
The Walls also effect my self esteem: I don't really see people one-on-one, and I've talked myself into believing that's because no one would want to be around just me. Not just think it, but actually believe it, trapping me inside with the Monsters.
Though they're both different obstacles, they both can be overcome with the same strategy: acknowledge, understand, resist. What I've been doing is essentially pretending there isn't a problem until I'm overrun. I remember vividly before my last crash that I felt it coming, and I did nothing. Nothing to stop it, nothing to think about it. I didn't even tell Serina that I was feeling low, until it blew up in our faces.
I've heard people say it's easier to give in than it is to fight. That's not true. Not for me. There is no "easy" here. The guilt, and regret I feel when I give up... that isn't easy. At least it's enough to push me back out of it. Enough to convince me fighting is worth it. Like a weird kind of motivation, I suppose.
The Walls and Monsters are.... a part of me. Which is scary to think about, but also a relief, because if I can change, so can they.
This is all great, but just talking about this doesn't stop it. What I'm doing here, right now, is understanding it.
Monday 9 July 2012
Fear
Fear of the future.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of relying on the wrong people.
Fear of failing.
Fear of falling.
Fear of being tossed aside.
Fear of something new.
Today I let Fear win.
Today I threw out so much that I was working for.
Today, I left the person I love.
Because of Fear.
And I hate myself for it.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of relying on the wrong people.
Fear of failing.
Fear of falling.
Fear of being tossed aside.
Fear of something new.
Today I let Fear win.
Today I threw out so much that I was working for.
Today, I left the person I love.
Because of Fear.
And I hate myself for it.
Wednesday 4 July 2012
Letting the Monsters win
The Monsters are creeping in again. Lately, my mind has been full of negativity aimed towards myself. Physically, emotioanally. Body image, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, wondering if maybe some of the people who look up to me should stop.
There is no one thing that's caused this. I've been teetering on the edge for a while, but never tipped, until today. Body issues, self confidence, gender presentation, fear of not fitting in, fear of falling out of the way...
I made a conscious choice to let them in. To let them win. To stop trying. To give in to self-loathing, when I really shouldn't.
Something needs to change.
There is no one thing that's caused this. I've been teetering on the edge for a while, but never tipped, until today. Body issues, self confidence, gender presentation, fear of not fitting in, fear of falling out of the way...
I made a conscious choice to let them in. To let them win. To stop trying. To give in to self-loathing, when I really shouldn't.
Something needs to change.
Thursday 28 June 2012
Rediscovery
The song this blog is named for is... very special to me.
The song is Dirty Magic, by The Offspring, who released a new album today. So I get it and put it on, and it's a very strange type of nostalgia, because it's one of the first bands I ever liked and I've been listening to them for 10 years, and now there's a new album to explore. Anyway, I go through the first 8 tracks, which aren't that amazing. Then track 9 starts, and it's... that bass intro I know so well. It's Dirty Magic, rerecorded, and brand new, and shiny.
I've been listening to it all day, it makes me remember why I fell in love with the song in the first place. And it takes me back to that person who taught me a lot, mostly the hard way.
It's been... strange having this unexpected chunk of my past fall into my lap.
I can't think of an articulate way to finish this. My mind is racing with memories...
The song is Dirty Magic, by The Offspring, who released a new album today. So I get it and put it on, and it's a very strange type of nostalgia, because it's one of the first bands I ever liked and I've been listening to them for 10 years, and now there's a new album to explore. Anyway, I go through the first 8 tracks, which aren't that amazing. Then track 9 starts, and it's... that bass intro I know so well. It's Dirty Magic, rerecorded, and brand new, and shiny.
I've been listening to it all day, it makes me remember why I fell in love with the song in the first place. And it takes me back to that person who taught me a lot, mostly the hard way.
It's been... strange having this unexpected chunk of my past fall into my lap.
I can't think of an articulate way to finish this. My mind is racing with memories...
Sunday 24 June 2012
Weight. Jealousy. Self perception.
I've documented that I have issues with my weight here before. I really dislike how much I weigh. I don't like constantly feeling bloated. I don't like taking up so much physical space. I don't like having this tummy. It's a big part about why I like my corset, cos once it's on my tummy is gone. I don't like almost always sweating. I don't like my fat arms. I could go on...
I tried talking about this to mummy, but she wouldn't listen. She just thought I was saying "I hate myself and I'm caving into society's perceptions of beauty and this is a magic cure and will definitely work". I've tried talking to my Little Sister about it, and she said I need to learn to love myself. I talked to one of my best friends about it and they said "Don't be silly, you look fine". I talked to another friend, and they said "You're thinner than me, so you're not fat"
Maybe I should just stop mentioning it. But I don't even know where to start, properly I mean. I know I can just stop eating for a month and drop it, cos I've done it. But I also know that I just put it back on afterwards.
Perhaps mummy is overly cautious about this because what sparked this idea was, essentially, jealousy in someone else. But... I don't know. I know that she hates it when I can list off a thousand things about myself I don't like. But this one seems to be in my power to fix. She also says that I'm not fat, and that I'm chubby. Different word, same meaning. Either way I don't like it.
Maybe the people I mentioned before are hearing me wrong. I know mummy definitely is. Why can't they understand I just want to lose weight for myself? I tried explaining that to mummy, but it didn't seem to land. I told her that I'm tired of never being able to fit into clothes I like, and she rolled her eyes. Maybe I should prove I'm not doing this for someone else, and stop letting people talk me out of it.
I tried talking about this to mummy, but she wouldn't listen. She just thought I was saying "I hate myself and I'm caving into society's perceptions of beauty and this is a magic cure and will definitely work". I've tried talking to my Little Sister about it, and she said I need to learn to love myself. I talked to one of my best friends about it and they said "Don't be silly, you look fine". I talked to another friend, and they said "You're thinner than me, so you're not fat"
Maybe I should just stop mentioning it. But I don't even know where to start, properly I mean. I know I can just stop eating for a month and drop it, cos I've done it. But I also know that I just put it back on afterwards.
Perhaps mummy is overly cautious about this because what sparked this idea was, essentially, jealousy in someone else. But... I don't know. I know that she hates it when I can list off a thousand things about myself I don't like. But this one seems to be in my power to fix. She also says that I'm not fat, and that I'm chubby. Different word, same meaning. Either way I don't like it.
Maybe the people I mentioned before are hearing me wrong. I know mummy definitely is. Why can't they understand I just want to lose weight for myself? I tried explaining that to mummy, but it didn't seem to land. I told her that I'm tired of never being able to fit into clothes I like, and she rolled her eyes. Maybe I should prove I'm not doing this for someone else, and stop letting people talk me out of it.
Saturday 16 June 2012
Death
About 3 years ago I met an amazing group of people online. We quickly became a family, and always talked to each other and got to know each other. Some of us went through potentially friendship-ending issues and just came out of it better friends. They were with me, giving me support, on the night I came out to my mother.
I drifted away from them in the last year, but they've always been in the background, and always a source of friendship in my life. Always willing to include me. We never stopped being real friends. It's so hard to find a weird mix of people who just accept each other - warts and all. It's really like something out of a TV show when you say it like that.
Today, I was told that one of us had taken his own life last night.
Part of our Family. Gone. Forever. This sent a shockwave through our group, we're all just so confused.
Goodbye, Will2. We already miss you so so much. I wish I knew you better...
I drifted away from them in the last year, but they've always been in the background, and always a source of friendship in my life. Always willing to include me. We never stopped being real friends. It's so hard to find a weird mix of people who just accept each other - warts and all. It's really like something out of a TV show when you say it like that.
Today, I was told that one of us had taken his own life last night.
Part of our Family. Gone. Forever. This sent a shockwave through our group, we're all just so confused.
Goodbye, Will2. We already miss you so so much. I wish I knew you better...
Wednesday 13 June 2012
My Place
Today, mummy noticed I flinch when she touches me. She's always noticed, but I think it just hit her that I flinch almost every single time.
I'm used to her pinching me, or poking me, to hurt me and maybe to get a reaction. If she ever gropes my boobs, it's because she wants to pinch them or make me think she wants to pinch them. So naturally, a flinch has grown over time to her touch. Just because I like pain from her, doesn't mean I want it all the time. Pain is still pain.
Today, she sat me on the floor and talked to me about it. She said she doesn't like that I flinch, and move away from her touch so much. I didn't understand, because well... it seemed she had been doing this quite intentionally. She said I needed to trust her more. That she has stopped randomly pinching me. That she stopped giving me random pain. I had to think to see how true that was.
Once that got through, she said another thing: this is your place, on your knees. You are mine, and I'm allowed to hurt you whenever I want.
It is. I am. She is. I just need to remember those things, and learn to trust her intentions more. If mummy chooses to hurt me, I have to accept that.
I'm used to her pinching me, or poking me, to hurt me and maybe to get a reaction. If she ever gropes my boobs, it's because she wants to pinch them or make me think she wants to pinch them. So naturally, a flinch has grown over time to her touch. Just because I like pain from her, doesn't mean I want it all the time. Pain is still pain.
Today, she sat me on the floor and talked to me about it. She said she doesn't like that I flinch, and move away from her touch so much. I didn't understand, because well... it seemed she had been doing this quite intentionally. She said I needed to trust her more. That she has stopped randomly pinching me. That she stopped giving me random pain. I had to think to see how true that was.
Once that got through, she said another thing: this is your place, on your knees. You are mine, and I'm allowed to hurt you whenever I want.
It is. I am. She is. I just need to remember those things, and learn to trust her intentions more. If mummy chooses to hurt me, I have to accept that.
Saturday 9 June 2012
Separation
I went a little crazy yesterday. I snapped at a friend for only asking a question, and I may have said something damaging to my Little Sister. Also a few things on a bus trip, and some things that happened while waiting in line at McDonald's and it's obvious I really shouldn't have been out in the world yesterday.
Why did all of this happen? I had electrolysis yesterday.
That shouldn't be much of a problem, but... like I said the first time I had it done, I associated it with times when mummy hurts me, so that's how I take it. I keep drifting off, and then when it's done I get that feeling I usually get afterwards, and I get anxious and mentally overloaded.
I told mummy this, not in as many words, and she said there needs to be a support system here. Which is good and will help, but the fact is this is a long process, and I can't expect someone to be there after every single time to pick up the pieces. It's both unrealistic and unreasonable for a variety of reasons.
I'm not declining the help, but I think I need to also work on it myself, try to separate play sessions from electrolysis. And failing that, work out how to better take care of myself after it. That sounds like a plan.
Why did all of this happen? I had electrolysis yesterday.
That shouldn't be much of a problem, but... like I said the first time I had it done, I associated it with times when mummy hurts me, so that's how I take it. I keep drifting off, and then when it's done I get that feeling I usually get afterwards, and I get anxious and mentally overloaded.
I told mummy this, not in as many words, and she said there needs to be a support system here. Which is good and will help, but the fact is this is a long process, and I can't expect someone to be there after every single time to pick up the pieces. It's both unrealistic and unreasonable for a variety of reasons.
I'm not declining the help, but I think I need to also work on it myself, try to separate play sessions from electrolysis. And failing that, work out how to better take care of myself after it. That sounds like a plan.
My birthday
My birthday is fast approaching and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I care about it, to be honest. Mum asked me what I wanted, and I drew a blank. I don't want a video game, because Steam ruined the special feeling of getting a new game when you can get 50 new releases with loose change.
I almost wish it weren't so soon, because it just puts pressure on me to decide something. Mummy and I are saving up to move out, so maybe just money towards that? I want some new boots, but only for the sake of new boots, not because I've seen a pair and I'm dying to have them. Likewise, with clothes. Though I do need new clothes, kinda badly...
Thinking about my birthday is making me kinda depressed, actually.
I almost wish it weren't so soon, because it just puts pressure on me to decide something. Mummy and I are saving up to move out, so maybe just money towards that? I want some new boots, but only for the sake of new boots, not because I've seen a pair and I'm dying to have them. Likewise, with clothes. Though I do need new clothes, kinda badly...
Thinking about my birthday is making me kinda depressed, actually.
Wednesday 6 June 2012
The Big Kid
When you're a little kid there are always bigger kids who seem mean and scary, and it's intimidating being smaller than them, but for some reason you always look up to them in some way.
On monday mummy, E, L and I went to a giant indoor playground to have a big romp around. Mummy and |E stayed at the table because they felt like being boring while L and I played on the slides and squishy mats and things. I've never spent any time with L, but we were mostly alone in this big labyrinth of a playground, and it was surprisingly fun running around with him. It was like making a new friend, who was The Big Kid. He even gave me some advice about being a little, which was really cool, and which may probably stop another accident like the one where I broke my knee.
This is a strange new world I've found myself in.
On monday mummy, E, L and I went to a giant indoor playground to have a big romp around. Mummy and |E stayed at the table because they felt like being boring while L and I played on the slides and squishy mats and things. I've never spent any time with L, but we were mostly alone in this big labyrinth of a playground, and it was surprisingly fun running around with him. It was like making a new friend, who was The Big Kid. He even gave me some advice about being a little, which was really cool, and which may probably stop another accident like the one where I broke my knee.
This is a strange new world I've found myself in.
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Solitary
Getting used to sharing your life when you've existed on your own for so long is hard.
I've been with mummy for over a year now, and I'm still getting used to her being a presence in my life, even when she's not around. This has nothing to do with being D/s, either. It's just... being partners.
There is this idea in my head where I'm faster or better on my own. I don't have to move at someone else's pace, I can move when I feel like it. Even the idea, to some degree, people just get in the way sometimes. I'm used to being a rather solitary creature. I like it. But I also like being with mummy, and sharing my life with her.
A while ago I told mummy that I was disappointed about what she was doing with E because it meant that it won't just be us anymore. From my perspective, that means there's more to trip over. From her perspective, there's more support.
I'm not sure what conclusion there is to draw here. Maybe it's a good thing to expand your life to include more people like this?
We, as a... family, I guess... no, that word is a bit strong. We as a circle seem to work. The four of us. But... I still feel like the odd one out. I don't know these other two people. I only know them through mummy. And that wouldn't bother me, but the fact is this is a long-term thing, maybe permanent.
Again, I'm the odd one out, and again, I'm at the disadvantage.
I'm trying to stay positive. Because I know this could be a good thing, not just for mummy, but for me. I just don't think I'm at a place there I can see it yet. But I'm trying. And I trust mummy. We, as a circle, had a day out, and it was really fun. Strange, but fun.
I've been with mummy for over a year now, and I'm still getting used to her being a presence in my life, even when she's not around. This has nothing to do with being D/s, either. It's just... being partners.
There is this idea in my head where I'm faster or better on my own. I don't have to move at someone else's pace, I can move when I feel like it. Even the idea, to some degree, people just get in the way sometimes. I'm used to being a rather solitary creature. I like it. But I also like being with mummy, and sharing my life with her.
A while ago I told mummy that I was disappointed about what she was doing with E because it meant that it won't just be us anymore. From my perspective, that means there's more to trip over. From her perspective, there's more support.
I'm not sure what conclusion there is to draw here. Maybe it's a good thing to expand your life to include more people like this?
We, as a... family, I guess... no, that word is a bit strong. We as a circle seem to work. The four of us. But... I still feel like the odd one out. I don't know these other two people. I only know them through mummy. And that wouldn't bother me, but the fact is this is a long-term thing, maybe permanent.
Again, I'm the odd one out, and again, I'm at the disadvantage.
I'm trying to stay positive. Because I know this could be a good thing, not just for mummy, but for me. I just don't think I'm at a place there I can see it yet. But I'm trying. And I trust mummy. We, as a circle, had a day out, and it was really fun. Strange, but fun.
Friday 1 June 2012
Processing
Mummy and I had a scene today, and it was rather intense. Probably the hardest I've ever gone.
I enjoyed it. I wanted to do it. But... it was so hard. A lot harder than I was expecting. I safeworded a few times, and said I was ok to carry on afterwards. And then... something broke. Mummy did a few really hard hits with the cane, and I was at my threshold, but I don't think I knew it at the time, and then came more hits that were harder, and I... fell apart, and cried, and broke down a bit. It took me past what I know I can handle, and... scared me. I kept crying and crying for ages, and I finally stopped while mummy was hugging me, telling me I was a good girl, and that she loved me, while I just pressed into her in a headspin.
Unlike any previous scenes, I didn't float. I didn't drift off into That Place I go when I take pain like this. I felt it all. Mummy was going hard, and changing things, so I had no way of getting a read off it, and get used to it, or anything. I had no stable ground to hold onto, until finally it all crumbled and left me as a helpless, crying mess.
It was hours ago now, but I'm still... shaking. And thinking. And... still randomly crying sometimes.
Any form of talking is too much on my mental state right now. We went out for dinner afterwards, because I don't want to deal with my mother tonight, and when we got to the mall I asked mummy what she wanted for dinner, and she said it was up to me. And I just glazed over, and kept asking her what she wanted. At the time, I couldn't even come close to communicating what this was, and frankly I don't think it was a good idea at all to have left the house, but it was the lesser of two evils. I was so confused, and lost. Mummy is supposed to make decisions, right? Why isn't she now?
Eventually I just... made a decision, and went to McDonald's because it took the least effort to do.
I feel like there's some kind of wall between me and reality right now. Like something is weird. I had to fight off several panic attacks tonight, and despite not floating, I've crashed several times. And these are hard crashes. I was leashed to the bed after the scene because I just wanted some alone time, and I started crying but didn't, and don't, know why. I was just a mess, crying into my pillows, hugging my soft toys.
Right now, writing this... helped. I haven't had any alone time before now. I couldn't articulate anything before, because I haven't had time to think.
I keep wondering, and thinking... maybe we went too hard? Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of stuff? Perhaps it's more getting used to the escalation of it all, and realising and remembering that if you want to go harder, you gotta go further.
I enjoyed it. I wanted to do it. But... it was so hard. A lot harder than I was expecting. I safeworded a few times, and said I was ok to carry on afterwards. And then... something broke. Mummy did a few really hard hits with the cane, and I was at my threshold, but I don't think I knew it at the time, and then came more hits that were harder, and I... fell apart, and cried, and broke down a bit. It took me past what I know I can handle, and... scared me. I kept crying and crying for ages, and I finally stopped while mummy was hugging me, telling me I was a good girl, and that she loved me, while I just pressed into her in a headspin.
Unlike any previous scenes, I didn't float. I didn't drift off into That Place I go when I take pain like this. I felt it all. Mummy was going hard, and changing things, so I had no way of getting a read off it, and get used to it, or anything. I had no stable ground to hold onto, until finally it all crumbled and left me as a helpless, crying mess.
It was hours ago now, but I'm still... shaking. And thinking. And... still randomly crying sometimes.
Any form of talking is too much on my mental state right now. We went out for dinner afterwards, because I don't want to deal with my mother tonight, and when we got to the mall I asked mummy what she wanted for dinner, and she said it was up to me. And I just glazed over, and kept asking her what she wanted. At the time, I couldn't even come close to communicating what this was, and frankly I don't think it was a good idea at all to have left the house, but it was the lesser of two evils. I was so confused, and lost. Mummy is supposed to make decisions, right? Why isn't she now?
Eventually I just... made a decision, and went to McDonald's because it took the least effort to do.
I feel like there's some kind of wall between me and reality right now. Like something is weird. I had to fight off several panic attacks tonight, and despite not floating, I've crashed several times. And these are hard crashes. I was leashed to the bed after the scene because I just wanted some alone time, and I started crying but didn't, and don't, know why. I was just a mess, crying into my pillows, hugging my soft toys.
Right now, writing this... helped. I haven't had any alone time before now. I couldn't articulate anything before, because I haven't had time to think.
I keep wondering, and thinking... maybe we went too hard? Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of stuff? Perhaps it's more getting used to the escalation of it all, and realising and remembering that if you want to go harder, you gotta go further.
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Staring down an inanimate object
What is it about chastity that I like? Why is it so frustrating to not be locked up? Mummy already owns my genitals, and decides if/when I get to have an orgasm, isn't that enough?
I miss the physical reminder that it gives. I like having no choice in the matter, it's why I gave it to her. And it's... difficult to rely on willpower alone. I've been incredibly horny lately, and I don't know why, but I've been good, and asked mummy if I was allowed to touch myself (because she's not here).
Mummy said she misses it being locked up as well. But I've been frustrated and angry at the device we have, because it keeps giving me bruises or cuts. Which is really stupid, because what I'm angry at is a piece of metal. I can't give it the silent treatment, or talk it into behaving. And that's why I'm going to lose this battle.
I've been trying to tell myself for a few weeks that I don't really want it locked up. But I do. I really do. And I want mummy to have the key.
I miss the physical reminder that it gives. I like having no choice in the matter, it's why I gave it to her. And it's... difficult to rely on willpower alone. I've been incredibly horny lately, and I don't know why, but I've been good, and asked mummy if I was allowed to touch myself (because she's not here).
Mummy said she misses it being locked up as well. But I've been frustrated and angry at the device we have, because it keeps giving me bruises or cuts. Which is really stupid, because what I'm angry at is a piece of metal. I can't give it the silent treatment, or talk it into behaving. And that's why I'm going to lose this battle.
I've been trying to tell myself for a few weeks that I don't really want it locked up. But I do. I really do. And I want mummy to have the key.
Sunday 27 May 2012
The Lightning Rod
Since I got my boots I've pretty much worn them exclusively when out presenting as female. I love them so much.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.
When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...
Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.
What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.
I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.
When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...
Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.
What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.
I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.
Thursday 24 May 2012
Service mummy
Tonight, I was completely wrecked when we got home. We came in, and I said I needed to do the dishes (there was a lot) and feed the dog. I go out and feed the dog, and sit down at the computer to take 5 before I start the dishes. Then I hear mummy start the tap, and move some stuff around. She was about to do everything, and she said she didn't mind, and I should just sit down for a while.
But it felt.... weird. I'm the one who serves her, aren't I? Why was I sitting down, and relaxing, while she does the dishes? I tried to just relax like she said, but I couldn't. This was a new experience, one that came out of the blue.
I like serving my mummy. And to have her serving me is... wrong. So I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do (after coming out a few times to understand that she was ok doing the dishes herself). She said I could help dry things and put them away. So I did that. And I felt much better about it.
Silly mummy. Girly's are for service.
But it felt.... weird. I'm the one who serves her, aren't I? Why was I sitting down, and relaxing, while she does the dishes? I tried to just relax like she said, but I couldn't. This was a new experience, one that came out of the blue.
I like serving my mummy. And to have her serving me is... wrong. So I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do (after coming out a few times to understand that she was ok doing the dishes herself). She said I could help dry things and put them away. So I did that. And I felt much better about it.
Silly mummy. Girly's are for service.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)