Three years

Last month was the 3 year anniversary of coming out to my mother, and it's about 3 years since I first went to my psych.

3 years ago I was... basically a child. Too scared to go out into the world for anything, too scared to do anything that wasn't video games. Today with my psych, I realised that I've basically become a person in the last 3 years.

It's really scary to think about how I was before, but maybe this is why I'm enjoying life so much right now, because I'm only just experiencing it. It also seems to be a snowball effect, because I've made a lot of progress in the last 6 months alone. That's most likely momentum propelling me forwards at new speeds.

But... where did this person come from? Sometimes I feel like a new consciousness inhabiting a body; the memories of the old consciousness are there, but it's all so fuzzy and blurry it's like watching someone else go through these awful things.

I think I like being a person.

We are everything you wanted

Who really disappointed me in the last few weeks?

Thinking about it all, what what I wanted from those people seemed simple on the surface. But it's the lifestyle I wanted, and was denied.

Like last month, and my Night in Hell, it was just a reach for the thing I wanted, and this time I fell on my face. The people concerned don't know what this meant for me, and I approached it from that angle intentionally. I don't like letting people in a lot of the time, and they don't need to know. It's about me, and what kind of person I want to be.

I'm scared to initiate something again, but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't always end with this kind of result, and I'm struggling a lot. I still want the end goal though. So it's really just a matter of time before I try again.

Trust

These last few weeks have damaged my trust of people. Too many people have made promises they couldn't, or simply didn't, keep. I've basically quarantined myself from most of my friends, today being an exception because of TDOR, because being around some of them makes me sad and angry. I'm positive it will pass soon. But the damage to my trust has already been done.

Serina (ex-mummy) has re-entered my life with her typical clumsy crash, taking a coffee table out as she entered, and I'm rather happy she did. It's been nice reconnecting with her, but she's not immune to my trust issues. Because of recent events, and our history together, I'm keeping her at arm's length for a while, just like I am with everyone.

As for where we are, we are just friends. Although "just" doesn't really come into it. We work better as friends, as we've proven many times in many ways, so we're staying friends. Best friends, it seems.

TDOR

It's Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I don't really know what to say about it. It's good we have a day like this, but sad we need it.

The community I'm in is quite large and busy. I've met hundreds of people who are all different shades of the same spectrum. I've made good friends, and see people regularly, but there's a scary thought in the back of my head: how many of those I've only seen once, those that I don't even remember, those I never even saw, aren't here to see this day?

Also this is post 200 on my blog.

Like you let me down before

I think I had another anger blackout tonight.Everyone's been letting me down lately in ways that really matter to me, combined with insanity from my group and generally hating my body. I wanted to just distance myself from everyone, but for some reason everyone wanted a piece of me.

One of my friends was talking about how she got angry at our group, and reminded me of a bunch of shit, on top of her being one of the many to let me down lately, and I felt something pop. I went into my room feeling so angry I was dizzy and had a lie down.

I don't know what conclusions to draw here. I still don't feel well, and I'm not going to my group next week. I don't really feel like talking to anyone from that corner of my life right now...

Drawings 2

I rarely draw people

 

Energy

Friday afternoon I got a brainwave about where I'm taking my latest project.

I've been asking my friends to give me their dead light globes, since they're just going to throw them out anyway. But why? I just had a faint idea in my head that I needed (not wanted) light globes for something.

It hit while I was doing my weekly ritual, and I had to lean against the wall because it came on so fast and so strong I felt dizzy. Last night I wrote it down, and really nutted it out, and asked myself questions on the practicality of it and a timeline, drew a few diagrams and how many light globes I'd need. I'm not revealing anything about it here, because friends read this and I want it to be a surprise, but I know I need at least 40 light globes.

This is going to take a long time.

The worst thing in the world

I think what I want doesn't exist. At least not right now. Maybe I've been overreacting to people like I talked about a few months ago. Maybe they aren't evil, or serial killers, or insane.

Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.

I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.

If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?

Halloween pt2

My friends didn't end up coming.

One forgot, the other fell asleep some time in the afternoon and woke up after the buses had stopped.

So instead of watching horror movies with my friends, I just stuck to my newer tradition: Playing TF2 during the Halloween event.

I tried to organise it again for tonight with just one friend, the one I've been getting closer with. Once again, it didn't happen. She for some reason couldn't stay over, despite saying she could earlier, and suggested we do it during the day. That wouldn't work because my mum reserved the computer to do work during the day.

This is really disappointing. I've been kinda depressed about it for a few days. I'm kinda angry about it too. Neither of them actually let me know they wouldn't be coming, I had to ask them.

I guess I'll just have to forget about my old tradition and just look forward to next years Scream Fortress.

Exploration

It's hard when someone is removed from your life so traumatically. It's even harder when you still like them, but they seem to treat you like poison. This blog is my place, yet why do I feel the need to censor myself just because I know she still reads it?

I've written about 3 drafts in the last hour, saying different things about something new in my life and how it compares to my last relationship, but the words either come out too harsh or completely missing the point I try to make.

So what is it I want to say?

I miss sex. I've missed it for a long time. I miss being penetrated, and having someone enjoy my genitals, instead of just tolerating them. I tried to tell myself I didn't mind how it was, but I missed it a lot. I recently asked someone I know if they'd be interested in doing something with me, and they said yes.

Many things are running through my head about this. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or if they don't find my naked body appealing, or if they cancel... but I'm still going through with it. I'm also extremely excited. This is someone new, I get to do things to them, they switch and like a ton of the same stuff I like. I've had it in my head that I really really want to take her for a walk on a leash one night. I've wanted something like this for a while, and used my newfound confidence to get it.

Now if only I could muster up the courage to go to a kink event.