Why am I going back?

Last year I went to an event that I hated. I'm going back this saturday.

I feel... anxious and alone. I just want to talk about it with someone.

I want to find someone to play with on the night, get my ass beat, get zapped, tied up, just something. I've been feeling extremely isolated lately from no physical contact, and feeling somewhat... I don't know, ugly, unapproachable, like poison? I'm scared of not finding someone, or someone rejecting me.

This week, probably tomorrow, I'm planning on going to get my body waxed so I can't let my hairy ass be the thing to stop me.

The show has just begun

Lately I've noticed how much I let my body stop me from doing things I want to do.

Last night I went to a kink event with a friend, and really wanted to play with someone, but always fell back on "but I'm all gross and hairy". I usually just resigned myself to this, but lately I've realised I can actually do something about that. I can get waxed, get IPL, do something to change it. But I haven't.

I'm not even sure why I haven't. Some kind of lack of confidence probably.

There's another event in a week that we're probably going to, so I have this week to do something about my body. Hopefully I won't talk myself out of it.