Maybe I'm the problem

Maybe she's distant because she's been having a hard time lately.
Maybe I'm being selfish for being angry at her for disappearing.
Maybe I'm the one not putting in enough effort.

I don't know why this has only just occurred to me.

Branch out

I feel strangely lonely.

I've taken to WoW so hard lately cos I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. No one consistent anyway. But I'm also kinda depressed because I feel like there's very little room for me Serina's life...

That's hard to admit, and also seems like it's not true at the same time. But... intention is different from execution. She seems to enjoy my company, and always says she's looking forward to seeing me at places, but the last few times I hung out with her I barely saw her.

The other night I went out to a movie with some friends, and they crashed at my place afterwards. I really enjoyed that, I felt comfortable with them in my house. I think I'll invite them over again soon. Maybe I should take this as a message from the universe it's time to branch out and actually make new friends, rather than just people I know.

I dislike feeling lonely. It makes me feel confused and overwhelmed.

Burn Out

I need... something.

Something substantial, wholesome, to do for myself.

I look at my room, at my computer, and all I can see is a wasteland of clutter and noise and bright horrible lights. I need to do something different, something new.

I need... less of what I have. I don't know. I'm tired, and I can't sleep it off.

Shell Shock

I've been feeling exceptionally vulnerable and fragile since Tuesday night.

It reminded me of that intense anxiety I used to feel. It reopened that wound, and while I haven't felt my confidence suffer from it, my mood has definitely taken it full-force. I've been binge eating almost constantly since it happened, spend a lot of time in my room because I just don't want to face anything and been very irritable.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going back to do the next show, no doubt about that, but only because I know this was a total fluke of a fuck up and never happens. But as for me and my mental state... at least I have a new adorable dog and my bed of stuffed toys to lighten my mood.

Raw burn

Last night was intense for me. I was in at the radio station, pretty relaxed like I usually am before a show because I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it's better to just be flexible while in the booth. However, 2 minutes until the show starts, we discover there's something wrong with the console.

Sonja starts freaking out, swearing, getting people to call people and running around trying to get things sorted, meanwhile the clock is ticking down. Eventually it just runs out, and we're thrown into a spotlight half-dressed.

I was getting rather nervous, mostly for Sonja's sanity, but then came time for my part in the show, and it's all a terrible blur of Um's and Uhhh's and that terrible feeling I used to get when I had to make a phone call. I suddenly felt like my face was on fire, it was hard to breathe, I had no one in this room with me when I'm used to having at least 2 people to pick up the ball if I drop it. I was flying blind. Thankfully, with my segment, I had a lot of material to pick from, so I just kept talking about what I know, hoping it was good enough and helped buy some time.

After what felt like several lifetimes, Sonja reappeared to help me out a bit, and slowly took back the show, and played an ad and a song, giving me a ton of time to go sit down outside the booth.

Sonja followed me out, and I had a small reception of people there tell me I did good, which made me feel great. After the show one of them told me I was hyperventilating during this, but I don't remember. All I remember was that I was sweating and shaking.

I went back into the booth after about 15 minutes to resume the show with Sonja, and I think the last half went really well.

When I got home, I just flopped into bed, listened to relaxing music and didn't do anything, and promised myself that tomorrow (read: today) I would take care of myself and just stay home and avoid stress. I did just that, and I'm feeling good.

This was by far my biggest anxiety attack this year. I was so stressed, and my emotions were shot. Afterwards I knew I was hungry, and that I wanted to go home, but I didn't really understand which was the priority, so I wondered back and forth between food places and my bus stop for 20 minutes before deciding food was more important, and I'd just get a taxi home if I missed the final bus (which I did)

But I'm proud of myself. I handled it, got through it, and knew what it took to make myself feel better. This would have killed me a year ago.