Rediscovery

The song this blog is named for is... very special to me.

The song is Dirty Magic, by The Offspring, who released a new album today. So I get it and put it on, and it's a very strange type of nostalgia, because it's one of the first bands I ever liked and I've been listening to them for 10 years, and now there's a new album to explore. Anyway, I go through the first 8 tracks, which aren't that amazing. Then track 9 starts, and it's... that bass intro I know so well. It's Dirty Magic, rerecorded, and brand new, and shiny.

I've been listening to it all day, it makes me remember why I fell in love with the song in the first place. And it takes me back to that person who taught me a lot, mostly the hard way.

It's been... strange having this unexpected chunk of my past fall into my lap.

I can't think of an articulate way to finish this. My mind is racing with memories...

Weight. Jealousy. Self perception.

I've documented that I have issues with my weight here before. I really dislike how much I weigh. I don't like constantly feeling bloated. I don't like taking up so much physical space. I don't like having this tummy. It's a big part about why I like my corset, cos once it's on my tummy is gone. I don't like almost always sweating. I don't like my fat arms. I could go on...

I tried talking about this to mummy, but she wouldn't listen. She just thought I was saying "I hate myself and I'm caving into society's perceptions of beauty and this is a magic cure and will definitely work". I've tried talking to my Little Sister about it, and she said I need to learn to love myself. I talked to one of my best friends about it and they said "Don't be silly, you look fine". I talked to another friend, and they said "You're thinner than me, so you're not fat"

Maybe I should just stop mentioning it. But I don't even know where to start, properly I mean. I know I can just stop eating for a month and drop it, cos I've done it. But I also know that I just put it back on afterwards.

Perhaps mummy is overly cautious about this because what sparked this idea was, essentially, jealousy in someone else. But... I don't know. I know that she hates it when I can list off a thousand things about myself I don't like. But this one seems to be in my power to fix. She also says that I'm not fat, and that I'm chubby. Different word, same meaning. Either way I don't like it.

Maybe the people I mentioned before are hearing me wrong. I know mummy definitely is. Why can't they understand I just want to lose weight for myself? I tried explaining that to mummy, but it didn't seem to land. I told her that I'm tired of never being able to fit into clothes I like, and she rolled her eyes. Maybe I should prove I'm not doing this for someone else, and stop letting people talk me out of it.

Death

About 3 years ago I met an amazing group of people online. We quickly became a family, and always talked to each other and got to know each other. Some of us went through potentially friendship-ending issues and just came out of it better friends. They were with me, giving me support, on the night I came out to my mother.

I drifted away from them in the last year, but they've always been in the background, and always a source of friendship in my life. Always willing to include me. We never stopped being real friends. It's so hard to find a weird mix of people who just accept each other - warts and all. It's really like something out of a TV show when you say it like that.

Today, I was told that one of us had taken his own life last night.

Part of our Family. Gone. Forever. This sent a shockwave through our group, we're all just so confused.

Goodbye, Will2. We already miss you so so much. I wish I knew you better...

My Place

Today, mummy noticed I flinch when she touches me. She's always noticed, but I think it just hit her that I flinch almost every single time.

I'm used to her pinching me, or poking me, to hurt me and maybe to get a reaction. If she ever gropes my boobs, it's because she wants to pinch them or make me think she wants to pinch them. So naturally, a flinch has grown over time to her touch. Just because I like pain from her, doesn't mean I want it all the time. Pain is still pain.

Today, she sat me on the floor and talked to me about it. She said she doesn't like that I flinch, and move away from her touch so much. I didn't understand, because well... it seemed she had been doing this quite intentionally. She said I needed to trust her more. That she has stopped randomly pinching me. That she stopped giving me random pain. I had to think to see how true that was.

Once that got through, she said another thing: this is your place, on your knees. You are mine, and I'm allowed to hurt you whenever I want.

It is. I am. She is. I just need to remember those things, and learn to trust her intentions more. If mummy chooses to hurt me, I have to accept that.

Separation

I went a little crazy yesterday. I snapped at a friend for only asking a question, and I may have said something damaging to my Little Sister. Also a few things on a bus trip, and some things that happened while waiting in line at McDonald's and it's obvious I really shouldn't have been out in the world yesterday.

Why did all of this happen? I had electrolysis yesterday.

That shouldn't be much of a problem, but... like I said the first time I had it done, I associated it with times when mummy hurts me, so that's how I take it. I keep drifting off, and then when it's done I get that feeling I usually get afterwards, and I get anxious and mentally overloaded.

I told mummy this, not in as many words, and she said there needs to be a support system here. Which is good and will help, but the fact is this is a long process, and I can't expect someone to be there after every single time to pick up the pieces. It's both unrealistic and unreasonable for a variety of reasons.

I'm not declining the help, but I think I need to also work on it myself, try to separate play sessions from electrolysis. And failing that, work out how to better take care of myself after it. That sounds like a plan.

My birthday

My birthday is fast approaching and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I care about it, to be honest. Mum asked me what I wanted, and I drew a blank. I don't want a video game, because Steam ruined the special feeling of getting a new game when you can get 50 new releases with loose change.

I almost wish it weren't so soon, because it just puts pressure on me to decide something. Mummy and I are saving up to move out, so maybe just money towards that? I want some new boots, but only for the sake of new boots, not because I've seen a pair and I'm dying to have them. Likewise, with clothes. Though I do need new clothes, kinda badly...

Thinking about my birthday is making me kinda depressed, actually.

The Big Kid

When you're a little kid there are always bigger kids who seem mean and scary, and it's intimidating being smaller than them, but for some reason you always look up to them in some way.

On monday mummy, E, L and I went to a giant indoor playground to have a big romp around. Mummy and |E stayed at the table because they felt like being boring while L and I played on the slides and squishy mats and things. I've never spent any time with L, but we were mostly alone in this big labyrinth of a playground, and it was surprisingly fun running around with him. It was like making a new friend, who was The Big Kid. He even gave me some advice about being a little, which was really cool, and which may probably stop another accident like the one where I broke my knee.

This is a strange new world I've found myself in.

Solitary

Getting used to sharing your life when you've existed on your own for so long is hard.

I've been with mummy for over a year now, and I'm still getting used to her being a presence in my life, even when she's not around. This has nothing to do with being D/s, either. It's just... being partners.

There is this idea in my head where I'm faster or better on my own. I don't have to move at someone else's pace, I can move when I feel like it. Even the idea, to some degree, people just get in the way sometimes. I'm used to being a rather solitary creature. I like it. But I also like being with mummy, and sharing my life with her.

A while ago I told mummy that I was disappointed about what she was doing with E because it meant that it won't just be us anymore. From my perspective, that means there's more to trip over. From her perspective, there's more support.

I'm not sure what conclusion there is to draw here. Maybe it's a good thing to expand your life to include more people like this?

We, as a... family, I guess... no, that word is a bit strong. We as a circle seem to work. The four of us. But... I still feel like the odd one out. I don't know these other two people. I only know them through mummy. And that wouldn't bother me, but the fact is this is a long-term thing, maybe permanent.

Again, I'm the odd one out, and again, I'm at the disadvantage.

I'm trying to stay positive. Because I know this could be a good thing, not just for mummy, but for me. I just don't think I'm at a place there I can see it yet. But I'm trying. And I trust mummy. We, as a circle, had a day out, and it was really fun. Strange, but fun.

Processing

Mummy and I had a scene today, and it was rather intense. Probably the hardest I've ever gone.

I enjoyed it. I wanted to do it. But... it was so hard. A lot harder than I was expecting. I safeworded a few times, and said I was ok to carry on afterwards. And then... something broke. Mummy did a few really hard hits with the cane, and I was at my threshold, but I don't think I knew it at the time, and then came more hits that were harder, and I... fell apart, and cried, and broke down a bit. It took me past what I know I can handle, and... scared me. I kept crying and crying for ages, and I finally stopped while mummy was hugging me, telling me I was a good girl, and that she loved me, while I just pressed into her in a headspin.

Unlike any previous scenes, I didn't float. I didn't drift off into That Place I go when I take pain like this. I felt it all. Mummy was going hard, and changing things, so I had no way of getting a read off it, and get used to it, or anything. I had no stable ground to hold onto, until finally it all crumbled and left me as a helpless, crying mess.

It was hours ago now, but I'm still... shaking. And thinking. And... still randomly crying sometimes.

Any form of talking is too much on my mental state right now. We went out for dinner afterwards, because I don't want to deal with my mother tonight, and when we got to the mall I asked mummy what she wanted for dinner, and she said it was up to me. And I just glazed over, and kept asking her what she wanted. At the time, I couldn't even come close to communicating what this was, and frankly I don't think it was a good idea at all to have left the house, but it was the lesser of two evils. I was so confused, and lost. Mummy is supposed to make decisions, right? Why isn't she now?

Eventually I just... made a decision, and went to McDonald's because it took the least effort to do.

I feel like there's some kind of wall between me and reality right now. Like something is weird. I had to fight off several panic attacks tonight, and despite not floating, I've crashed several times. And these are hard crashes. I was leashed to the bed after the scene because I just wanted some alone time, and I started crying but didn't, and don't, know why. I was just a mess, crying into my pillows, hugging my soft toys.

Right now, writing this... helped. I haven't had any alone time before now. I couldn't articulate anything before, because I haven't had time to think.

I keep wondering, and thinking... maybe we went too hard? Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of stuff? Perhaps it's more getting used to the escalation of it all, and realising and remembering that if you want to go harder, you gotta go further.