Why latex

I've had a massive latex fetish for a while now. I don't really remember a time when it wasn't a turn on, either sexually or emotionally. Like it made sense on more than one level.

I'm sitting here with a latex hood on, and it's been on for a few hours by now. It's so nice, and despite being a size too small for my fat head, it's extremely comforting. I feel comfortable in it, and it only just hit me why.

I get overstimulated easily, and most of it feels like it's coming in through my head, which is why I'm kinda fussy about people touching my face and when I'm ok with kissing people. That, on top of the auditory stimulation, wears me down and makes it very hard for me to be out in loud environments and still be social.

The hood makes everything muted; it's like the world gets it's volume turned down. My hair doesn't bother me, there's latex over my ears so sounds have their edge taken off and there's a layer between my skin and peoples' touch. This makes me feel very internal, contained and safe. It makes me feel disconnected with the outside world, and able to approach it on my own terms.

Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.

No faith

I don't trust anyone to stay around me. I'm used to spending so much time alone that I almost regret inviting others into my life. I believe that everyone will abandon ship at the first opportunity, and it's happened a few times.

This is why it's hard for me to form new relationships. I'm staring down the barrel of something I want, and I almost called it off the other day because I believed it was only a matter of time that he would decide he didn't want me, and I would just make things easier if I stopped things now. I had something to tell him, and I was worried about how he'd react. I had already made the decision for him, deciding that what I had to say was too much trouble.

I was ready for the worst... and I didn't get it. Quite the opposite. I got a very good reaction. I was stunned, I was genuinely expecting him to tell me to go away. But he didn't. He wants to continue, and see where this goes. I've yet to meet him, but I think we may finally meet face to face this weekend.

He wants to see inside my head, and he makes me feel comfortable while I dig parts out for him. I call him Master, now. Had trouble believing that word would be part of my regular vocabulary.

Physical

For a while, I'd been talking to a boy who was interested in meeting up with me for sex. I was hesitant to say yes, for a variety of reasons, some of which are tied up in the last few entries here.

It was a fantastic stress-relief, and a boost of self-esteem and confidence. I'd been going a little crazy from the lack of intimacy and physical attention in my life, and my ability to get it. It was kinda scary though, because I haven't done anything like that for years. He was nice though, and was understanding, and experienced.

When the time came for penetration, I lost my nerve for a minute, but I went through, and I'm glad I did. It was incredible. It sounds insane for someone who blogs about kink so much, but missionary position is fucking incredible. Having him on top, moving my legs sometimes, looking down... nothing else like it.

Too bad he lives so far away. Won't see him again for a long while.

Proximity

It was Carnival today, which marks 3 years in the trans community for me. It's a nice thing I can set my watch to, Carnival will always be a big thing for me, even if it's terrible, which it was today. But that's not what this post is about.

While I was there, I saw an abnormal amount of people in leather, and latex, and corsets... There are usually a dozen wandering around, but not this many. It kinda made me feel really self-conscious, because, well... I want what they have. All of them were with someone, holding hands. It's hard being around other kinky people right now, and hearing about their stories of the kinky things they do.

In about two weeks is pride march, and I got this idea in my head that I want someone to put me on a leash for it, which is all well and good, but I don't know anyone. So that's frustrating.

An interesting thing is that I want to be on a leash during pride march at all. Usually I can't wait to pile in with the various trans groups and wave to the people, but I guess having no means of kink right now has made me crave it so intensely that I want to show off that side of me. Last year there was some kind of kink group in the parade, maybe there will be again this year.

The worst thing is, the longer I'm out of it the more awkward I get around it.

How far are you willing to go?

I thought that as long as I got what I wanted in the end, and as long as no one got hurt, it wouldn't matter what lengths I took. Doesn't matter if I'm used, or hurt, or made colder.

I don't think I can actually push myself that far. Maybe I'm too soft for this kind of attitude.

That same someone seems determined to remind me of the worst that people can be. Aside from his looks and kinks, there is nothing good about him. Perhaps nothing good can come from interacting with him.

He did a lot of things that didn't bother me enough to leave, until last night. He takes pride in never apologising, even when he really really should. He believes he is never wrong, when he is frequently. The only misunderstandings are of the people around him. If he never admits fault, there can be no trust. Thus, there can be no play between us, because that shit is dangerous.

I have low self esteem, not a death wish. Maybe I'll go throw myself at someone else.

Scalpel

Who knew age play was such a big thing for me? I mean, I knew I liked it... but I didn't expect that someone hating it to make me feel this way.

I've been contacted by someone I used to play with. We have a lot in common, in terms of kink. Not so much in terms of personality and lifestyle. Our brainwaves clash a fair bit as well.

He wants me to be his secondary/casual submissive, which is good timing because I've wanted a non-emotionally attached kink buddy for a while now. He's a lot stricter than I'm used to, but I'm used to basically being able to trash the house without so much as a glance. So this might be fun. It's kinda scary too.

We've been talking about what he expects, and I'm smiling and nodding and agreeing to everything without flinching because I know what he likes already and he's pretty much a very stereotypical sexual D-type person. Then I bring up age play and puppy play, mostly as a warning because sometimes it just happens, and he goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NONE OF THAT. Since he had that reaction, I thought I'd better ask about bringing stuffed toys to kink events, since I still kinda need that emotional support, and he said NO NEVER THAT'S BANNED.

Typing that out just then made me cry. When he said it, I was totally crushed. I went to lie down in bed for a while and think if this is really something I want to do. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Cookie is AWOL and Serina has a bias, and is semi-AWOL herself.

We are everything you wanted

Who really disappointed me in the last few weeks?

Thinking about it all, what what I wanted from those people seemed simple on the surface. But it's the lifestyle I wanted, and was denied.

Like last month, and my Night in Hell, it was just a reach for the thing I wanted, and this time I fell on my face. The people concerned don't know what this meant for me, and I approached it from that angle intentionally. I don't like letting people in a lot of the time, and they don't need to know. It's about me, and what kind of person I want to be.

I'm scared to initiate something again, but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't always end with this kind of result, and I'm struggling a lot. I still want the end goal though. So it's really just a matter of time before I try again.

The worst thing in the world

I think what I want doesn't exist. At least not right now. Maybe I've been overreacting to people like I talked about a few months ago. Maybe they aren't evil, or serial killers, or insane.

Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.

I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.

If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?

Exploration

It's hard when someone is removed from your life so traumatically. It's even harder when you still like them, but they seem to treat you like poison. This blog is my place, yet why do I feel the need to censor myself just because I know she still reads it?

I've written about 3 drafts in the last hour, saying different things about something new in my life and how it compares to my last relationship, but the words either come out too harsh or completely missing the point I try to make.

So what is it I want to say?

I miss sex. I've missed it for a long time. I miss being penetrated, and having someone enjoy my genitals, instead of just tolerating them. I tried to tell myself I didn't mind how it was, but I missed it a lot. I recently asked someone I know if they'd be interested in doing something with me, and they said yes.

Many things are running through my head about this. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or if they don't find my naked body appealing, or if they cancel... but I'm still going through with it. I'm also extremely excited. This is someone new, I get to do things to them, they switch and like a ton of the same stuff I like. I've had it in my head that I really really want to take her for a walk on a leash one night. I've wanted something like this for a while, and used my newfound confidence to get it.

Now if only I could muster up the courage to go to a kink event.

Rituals, or Healthy Body Healthy Mind

In my last relationship, the state of my body was pretty much irrelevant. It's nice in some ways, if I didn't feel up to shaving something (even my face) then it didn't matter. But I wanted it to matter, I wanted her to care. Like most things though, it wasn't met with much interest, so I just let it slide until I didn't care about it anymore either.

The last month, though, I've had a desire to care about my body. Every week, I put aside an hour or two, and shave everything below the neck, and lay in bed, naked and wet and tired, and just absorb the feeling. It's a hard thing to grasp, to feel positive about my own body beyond "it's just barely good enough" but ever since I started this, I've felt... sexy.

I've even gotten to the point where I've taken some new photos of myself for FetLife, and all have been met with positivity. Again, like my previous revelation, I'm not putting them up to gain validation from others. This is me flaunting newfound confidence.

The interesting thing is that this is all in my head, but that doesn't make it a bad thing. All I'm doing is shaving some hair. I'm not losing weight, or fixing my female voice, or even dressing differently. It's just... hair. Yet it's removal is making me feel good about myself, and my physical body. It's a strange new feeling to care about your own body in some way.

On the leash

Over the course of my last relationship, I found I had an obsession with leashes. I adored being on the end of a leash, I couldn't get enough of it. I even came close to dying because of my love of leashes: I was leashed to the bed one night when she was here, and we went to sleep for the night, and I woke up in the middle of the night because I had turned over multiple times and was strangling myself. I never told her out of fear of never having a leash again (though at the time it seemed more like I'd rather die than never be on a leash again).

It's such a simple thing, too. It's just a chain that leads to my collar, but it can be so powerful. If the person holding it wants me close, they pull me in. If they want me further out, they give me some slack. If they want me to wonder around of my own accord, they take it off. If they want me to stay somewhere, they tie it to something. But even then, you're still under their control, still submitting to them, because you're where they want you.

I found immense comfort being leashed to things. Frequently when I was feeling low, she would leash me to the bed, or she'd put the leash on me and hold onto it while we sat on the couch. I remember one night at a party at her house, I got very sleepy and went to bed. She came in a little while later to check up on me, and I said I wasn't coming back out. She wrapped my old collar around my neck and leashed me to the bed, and kissed me goodnight. I felt so cared for, and loved at that moment.

I think I need to put leashes into the Need category for future relationships.

BLTC pt5

I went back to The Doctor yesterday, explained what happened, and not much was said about it.

He asked if I was feeling any effects from it, and I mentioned my sex drive disappearing almost completely. I remember back in high school, I hated my sex drive. I was really happy on the days where I felt nothing, and that's still the case. So these last few weeks where I've had no desire to touch myself, or anybody else, have been great for me.

Outside of that, my mood seemed to be picking up, but I don't know how much of that is because of the pills. Either way, I've been smiling a lot more lately.

However, the chemist I stopped in at on the way home didn't have what I needed, and I was totally out. I would have gone somewhere else, but my mother was expecting me to have done something before she got home, so I went home instead. And of course I only just get home with enough time to do that, and I sit down at the computer to relax and she comes home and gets angry that I'm so tired.

Oh well. At least I've got the pills now.

The memories in a collar

I was cleaning up my room earlier today because it's been far too long, I could barely see the floor anymore. I like having a clean room, cleaning my room helps clear my mind, makes me feel like I've done something which is pretty rare for me nowadays. Then I look through this alcove under my TV to rearrange some DVDs and see all my old kink gear. Chains, pinwheels, cuffs, a paddle that hasn't been used yet.... and my old collar.

I have a lot of memories of this. I remember when we bought it, we looked for weeks to find just the right collar. I remember when it was common for me to wear it for days at a time, because I was out of my house and at hers. I remember sleeping in it for the first time, and her holding onto it, making sure I wasn't going anywhere, like I was some precious pet. I remember her taking me for walks on a leash in it. I remember bursting into tears one day when she had to leave, and went to take the collar off, because I loved feeling like I was hers.

When I found it before, I started crying. So many memories that this one piece of leather and metal bring back... but none of them sad. Every single memory I have of it, and wearing it, is a happy memory. I don't have anything else in my life that holds exclusively happy memories.

Wall of sensation

Today was... amazing.

D, his girlfriend L, and Serina all came over to my house for some play and so Serina and myself could meet L, who is also dominant and apparently quite the sadist.

So, to reiterate: I'm sub, and I had 3 Dom/mes over for a play session. It was one of the most intense kink-related few hours of my life so far.

One of my fetishes that I've never been able to explore until now is being watched during sex, or in this case a session. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, having two pairs of eyes watch me, one of them belonging to a total stranger, the other belonging to my girlfriend. In fact, it was a day of many firsts; being flogged, vampire gloves, being watched, being double and eventually triple dommed...

It started out slow, with D using a flogger on me, showing Serina how to use one because she's never used one before. At some point she got her hands on some vampire gloves and scratched my back quite a lot. From that point on I seemingly always had at least 3 hands doing something to me.

I got a hood put on me, like usual, but since I was making too much noise I was gagged, and gagged hard. It was at this point that things started getting intense. It was a huge relief to me that D and Serina got along so well. I later found out they really gelled, and that L got in on the action more than I thought she did. At one point, I had all 3 of them going at me with vibrators, and shattered my old orgasm record taking it up to 9. It was crazy.

Telling my friend about it, I came up with a good description of the day. It was a wall of sensation. Pain. Pleasure. Adrenaline. Exhaustion. Confusion. And even panic, at the very end when a really gnarly hood turned out to be a little too much. I couldn't even think, which is really saying something. I couldn't even talk. All I could do was make sounds and take it.

When it was over, all I wanted to do was pass out and not wake up for a week. My legs still hurt, my jaw still has a bit of tension in it from the gag and I can't pee in a straight line. I wonder how I got so lucky.

Tit play

So, something really weird just happened. Something I didn't think would ever happen.

Serina and myself were watching TV when she got one of her urges to rip me to shreds and devour the corpse. She focused on my nipples. My very sensitive nipples. She bit them, pinched them, rolled them, squeezed... everything she could do with her bare hands (and teeth).

At first, it was sensual and intimate. Then it quickly escalated into painful territory... or at least where it would normally be. What I normally feel as pain was for some reason replaced by intense pleasure. It was unexpected. I'm used to moaning out in pain, close to safewording when she goes at it. But this time, I frequently found myself almost saying "more".

The pleasure only got more and more intense as she went on, skirting that fine line between pleasure and pain. For once it stayed on the side I'm more fond of.

Finally, she pushed me over the edge and I called out my safeword and she stopped immediately. I went catatonic for a minute, and felt totally weightless. Unreal.

After I regained some reality and my motor skills, I checked my pants to confirm what was a totally nonsensical thought at the time: I had just cum while she was doing this to me.

All she did was play with my nipples, and I came? Apparently. We should try this again one day.

Woof

Man. Puppy play is weird.

I'm not sure what gave me the idea, but I've been talking about it with my now-girlfriend Serina for a while, and we were both pretty into the idea. She wants a dog and I want to be a dog, so it works. We're pretty compatible like that.

So, after talking about it, she decided to get me a dog collar and train me how to be a dog. It was... bizarre. It was hard to get into it at first, but after a while I was kinda thinking like a dog. I remember one instance where I was tired of playing, and just laid down on the bed while Serina was doing something on her computer with my head in her lap. I don't know how long I was lying there, but I was pretty happy to just be there. Occasionally, I glanced up to see what she was doing, only to realise I didn't care at all and closed my eyes again.

She's told me a few times now that engaging me as a human, by talking, or me reading, would push me out of "dog mode" and she was right. The first time, I came out of dogmode because of a coughing fit. The second time, Serina accidentally poked me in the eye and pulled me out to make sure I was ok.

I tried eating from a dog dish. It didn't go very well, but I guess that will take time.

Fun experience overall. Want to do it again!

Scratches

I like to think of myself as a masochist in training. I have the capacity to enjoy pain, but it comes and goes how much I enjoy it.

I've been playing with my ex, who is a sadist, and we're taking things slow. It's nice to be back here, and we've almost resumed where we left off, but with a few major differences: The only one I care to mention is that it's not a 24/7 D/s relationship like it was before.

I've started to come around to seeing scratches she leaves on my arm as a positive thing, and really enjoy running my fingers over the raised skin. Sometimes, I find what she does to be almost beautiful.

I think the only part I don't like is the visible locations they're in, and only because I don't want my mother asking odd questions.

Vanilla

My friend told me she's seeing a guy who is "into whips and chains" but it's not her thing. She just does it sometimes for him. But it doesn't do it for her.

I hear kinky people say they don't do vanilla sex, and I've heard stories of really kinky people breaking up with amazing partners just because they're vanilla. Because it doesn't do it for them.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, the concept of vanilla versus kink. I've had a lot of vanilla sex, and a lot of kinky sex (or at least sexual acts with other people), but I haven't really thought about the difference and how they effect me. Nor have I really known why I prefer the kink, to take the submissive role in the bedroom.

There's also a word I keep coming across in relation to kink: Lifestyle. I used to think that people threw this word around a bit when it didn't fit. I used to see the "lifestyle" as being a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship in all aspects of life, but I've come to see it's not. It really is a lifestyle for pretty much all involved, including me. I don't think I could be with anyone who didn't like tying me up and calling a fucking whore, just like I couldn't be with someone who didn't see me as female.

Argh it's so blue!

Wednesday, I had someone over. I'm currently being considered by them to be their sub.

Since I don't like using names in my blog, I will just call them D from now on.

Even though I have been someone's sub before, it was under very different circumstance to how D operates. There is very little to compare, which is a bit strange to me. I didn't realise how different people's styles were in this regard, not that I thought it was all the same. I think part of it is (big surprise) a change in genders. Not my gender; theirs. D is the first man I've been with in a while, and the first male dom.

Not only that, I haven't submitted to anyone in a long time. It's easy to forget stuff when you have no need to know it. So, D said I should look it up, learn what I can. That's what I'm doing now. He also gave me some things to think about, which I'm pouring myself into.

Not really up to sharing the details of what happened when he was over, mostly because almost all of it is a blur I barely remember, but at the end I learned a valuable lesson. I was in a hood for probably an hour and a half, and of course the point of that is to not be able to see anything, among other things. Now, in my room I have strung up fairly lights. Blue ones, just to fit my colour scheme. They're not that bright, but when you've been in total darkness for a few hours, you might as well be staring at the sun when it comes off. It felt like the light pierced my brain and burnt through the back of my skull when the hood finally came off.

The lesson: No more blue fairy lights during a session.