Body betrayal

I'm not happy with my body right now. If I could send it to the corner to think about what it did, I would. For once, this isn't about transitioning.

Yesterday was Hooked Up and I went with my usual group. This time, all of us were doing something, rather than just one of us. The event's usual crowd is always amazing and supportive, and they seem to be the only people I can properly engage with regularly and not freeze.

I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it. On the day, I wasn't much better. It's a nice distraction watching others do their hook thing, so my own hooks weren't on my mind much once we arrived. Eventually it was my turn, and I was suddenly terrified again. I started panicking on the table before the hooks went in, but pushed it down and got through it. Once the hooks were in, I knew something was wrong. They didn't constantly sting this much last time, and it took me about 10 minutes before I was able to sit up, let alone walk.

I went to watch the group pull that I was meant to be part of, and tried to stop myself from crying over not being able to join in. I was in too much pain, too dizzy and I was shaking.

Eventually my friend finished with the group pull (which was amazing, she did so much. I'm as jealous as I am proud of her) I was feeling determined to do *something* with my hooks, so I asked if we could be tied together and pull off each other.

It was an amazing experience, even if it only lasted under a minute and resulted in me nearly passing out and then vomiting a lot. It was worth the stress and pain just for that short amount of time.

I'm disappointed in my body. I pushed myself as much as I could on the day, and I'm really proud of that. It just feels like it was a day that my body just wasn't willing to cooperate. It's very bittersweet.