This is hard for me to talk about.
For the past two years I've had no responsibilities. I've lived my life in that time as I've wanted, playing games all day, seeing friends whenever I wanted, and just generally not even trying to make an effort. This has, of course, made me very lazy in many ways.
It's snuck up on me too. I don't think of myself as lazy, because I didn't used to be. But when I really think about it, I'm terribly lazy. I recorded footage of an event my trans group held and even though it was over a week ago I haven't uploaded the footage to anyone, or even looked at it. I'm meant to be a big part of this group now, as I'm helping organise an introduction group for new people once a month, and I let the latest one almost slip by without any form of effort to make it happen.
I'm shocked at myself, and it makes me feel really discouraged. But I know this is just a side-effect of my lifestyle over the last few years, and if I make an effort to change this I will.
I don't want a reputation among these new friends to be unreliable and lazy. I value them and their opinions too much.
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Thursday 24 November 2011
What I want for christmas
Mum has been hassling me about christmas. It's a complicated issue with this family, but it boils down to her pressing me that I should want X when I really just want Y.
In our extended family, we do a non-anonymous Kris Kringle. We all pick a name out of a hat and that's who we buy for, because our family is so large. I'm buying for my grandmother, and my uncle Vin is buying for me. Mum has been telling me for a few weeks now that I shouldn't just give my uncle a list of DVDs or one big thing, because "it's boring" to do your shopping in one place. So she's talked me into trying to think of things that aren't just movies or music, and I keep coming up blank. There isn't anything I want that isn't like that, nothing that would keep me in the closet anyway.
I saw my psych today, and she cheered me up. She finally got it into my head that I'm allowed to want what I want for christmas, and tough shit for mum if she doesn't want me to want it.
Amazingly, since I've gotten over this little hump, I've thought of things that aren't just in one shop. Go figure.
I'm going to ask my grandmother what she wants.
So that's my extended family sorted out, now for my actual mother...
She's asked me for a list of stuff, and again, I keep coming up short. I don't know what I want her to buy me. There's only one thing I can think of that I really want for christmas, and that' a name-change form. I want my real name to be what I've been going by for the last 2 years. I have to think when I introduce myself as my birth-name, and be careful not to say my chosen-name.
I want my name for christmas.
In our extended family, we do a non-anonymous Kris Kringle. We all pick a name out of a hat and that's who we buy for, because our family is so large. I'm buying for my grandmother, and my uncle Vin is buying for me. Mum has been telling me for a few weeks now that I shouldn't just give my uncle a list of DVDs or one big thing, because "it's boring" to do your shopping in one place. So she's talked me into trying to think of things that aren't just movies or music, and I keep coming up blank. There isn't anything I want that isn't like that, nothing that would keep me in the closet anyway.
I saw my psych today, and she cheered me up. She finally got it into my head that I'm allowed to want what I want for christmas, and tough shit for mum if she doesn't want me to want it.
Amazingly, since I've gotten over this little hump, I've thought of things that aren't just in one shop. Go figure.
I'm going to ask my grandmother what she wants.
So that's my extended family sorted out, now for my actual mother...
She's asked me for a list of stuff, and again, I keep coming up short. I don't know what I want her to buy me. There's only one thing I can think of that I really want for christmas, and that' a name-change form. I want my real name to be what I've been going by for the last 2 years. I have to think when I introduce myself as my birth-name, and be careful not to say my chosen-name.
I want my name for christmas.
Saturday 19 November 2011
Binging and quitting (Motivation 3)
I can't do moderation. I just can't. If I let myself have even a little bit of junk food, I'll just keep eating it and eating it.
With this in mind, my diet has been to basically cold-turkey every food I love, because everything I love to eat is terrible for you. People kept saying that it shouldn't happen like this, but I can't do it any other way. I can't have just a little bit every now and then. I need it all the time, or never.
It's been about a month since I started doing this , and I set out mostly what I wanted to: To fit back into my lolita outfit.
About a week ago I got really really depressed about it, all I wanted to do was to eat something that tasted good. So I looked up how much your mood should change on a diet, and every single result I got was that if dieting makes you miserable you're being too hard on yourself and too strict. But, once again, that was the only way I could do this. So that night I weighed up things in my head:
Would I be happier eating what I liked, and be chubby
Or
Would I be happier being thinner and not eating what I liked
So yeah, I went with the chubby food-loving side.
It's not all bad, though. The night after I decided that, I went to McDonald's, just cos I wanted SOMETHING unhealthy. I ate it, and guess what? I still didn't like the taste of it.
So I reconsiddered what I wanted, and how I was going to achieve it.
It's taken a few days to think it through, but I think I'm going to continue with what I was doing, but giving myself a break, and trying moderation. I don't think it's going to have a good result, but trying is better than just resigning myself to a weight I'm unhappy with, right?
With this in mind, my diet has been to basically cold-turkey every food I love, because everything I love to eat is terrible for you. People kept saying that it shouldn't happen like this, but I can't do it any other way. I can't have just a little bit every now and then. I need it all the time, or never.
It's been about a month since I started doing this , and I set out mostly what I wanted to: To fit back into my lolita outfit.
About a week ago I got really really depressed about it, all I wanted to do was to eat something that tasted good. So I looked up how much your mood should change on a diet, and every single result I got was that if dieting makes you miserable you're being too hard on yourself and too strict. But, once again, that was the only way I could do this. So that night I weighed up things in my head:
Would I be happier eating what I liked, and be chubby
Or
Would I be happier being thinner and not eating what I liked
So yeah, I went with the chubby food-loving side.
It's not all bad, though. The night after I decided that, I went to McDonald's, just cos I wanted SOMETHING unhealthy. I ate it, and guess what? I still didn't like the taste of it.
So I reconsiddered what I wanted, and how I was going to achieve it.
It's taken a few days to think it through, but I think I'm going to continue with what I was doing, but giving myself a break, and trying moderation. I don't think it's going to have a good result, but trying is better than just resigning myself to a weight I'm unhappy with, right?
Friday 4 November 2011
Motivation pt2: Life without caffeine
I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling of caffeine, but it doesn't look right no matter what.
Anyway, after my terrible realisation and about 3 days of self loathing, my feelings about it weren't going away. So you know what I did? I did something about it.
I'm losing weight, and fast it seems. My psych has already seen a difference, though she may just be saying it. I'm already to the point where I fit into my lolita outfit quite comfortably again.
What am I doing to lose weight? I've cut back on a lot of things, and cut out a few things almost entirely. I'm trying to eat better food, and generally lower quantities. No more coke or soft drink every day. In fact it's been a week since I had coke, and before that it was 5 days that I'd had any.
For the first week it was utter hell. I had a migraine every single night, and my stress levels went through the roof. The headaches have gone for the most part, but the stress thing is still a bit of an issue. I'm coping as well as I can though, and Serina has been a huge help at keeping me level-headed and in a healthy area of the spectrum. By now I'm pretty sure I would have either just eaten loads of junk every day in an effort to cheer myself up, or completely starved myself in an effort to just make some sort of progress.
One thing I don't like is how people react to me losing weight. They ask how much I weigh (I don't know) and ask how I'm losing the weight, and what my eating habits used to be like when I tell them. Then they say "Ohhhhh, that's really bad for you". I know! That's why I've stopped!
One thing I'm struggling with is the guilt. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a treat and me gorging myself on sugar. I'm pretty much only eating junk food on saturdays, which is the day I work. And I think I'm only doing that because of the stress work gives me, so if I don't work I just don't eat junk food.
Well, at any rate, this seems to be working. I feel lighter, less clogged, I sleep a lot better, however my energy levels have gone way down. I was under the impression they'd go up, but oh well.
Anyway, after my terrible realisation and about 3 days of self loathing, my feelings about it weren't going away. So you know what I did? I did something about it.
I'm losing weight, and fast it seems. My psych has already seen a difference, though she may just be saying it. I'm already to the point where I fit into my lolita outfit quite comfortably again.
What am I doing to lose weight? I've cut back on a lot of things, and cut out a few things almost entirely. I'm trying to eat better food, and generally lower quantities. No more coke or soft drink every day. In fact it's been a week since I had coke, and before that it was 5 days that I'd had any.
For the first week it was utter hell. I had a migraine every single night, and my stress levels went through the roof. The headaches have gone for the most part, but the stress thing is still a bit of an issue. I'm coping as well as I can though, and Serina has been a huge help at keeping me level-headed and in a healthy area of the spectrum. By now I'm pretty sure I would have either just eaten loads of junk every day in an effort to cheer myself up, or completely starved myself in an effort to just make some sort of progress.
One thing I don't like is how people react to me losing weight. They ask how much I weigh (I don't know) and ask how I'm losing the weight, and what my eating habits used to be like when I tell them. Then they say "Ohhhhh, that's really bad for you". I know! That's why I've stopped!
One thing I'm struggling with is the guilt. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a treat and me gorging myself on sugar. I'm pretty much only eating junk food on saturdays, which is the day I work. And I think I'm only doing that because of the stress work gives me, so if I don't work I just don't eat junk food.
Well, at any rate, this seems to be working. I feel lighter, less clogged, I sleep a lot better, however my energy levels have gone way down. I was under the impression they'd go up, but oh well.
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