Panel

A while ago I was on a panel at a convention in my city. It was amazing. I didn't write about it earlier because the entire thing, while amazing and fun, was completely exhausting and I haven't had the mental energy to really think about it until recently.

The panel was for queer geeks, and it was apparently the first of its kind in Australia. It was pretty amazing, and really scary, to be up on stage not only in front of what turned out to be 60 people, but I was sitting next to some rather amazing people who had done some great things. It was great to hear them talk about things, and see the crowd react well.

I didn't say much, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Towards the end though, someone asked a question about queer representation in media, and I suddenly had a lot to say. I said I'm trans, and that there's basically nothing in terms of relatable characters/stories out there, and mentioned a little flash game I'd played a while ago that was about someone's transition. Someone in the audience raised their hand for the microphone and he said that he'd played it to better understand his friend's lifestyle and I was completely blown away. I just looked at him and said that was completely amazing and this is why we need more things of that nature, and everyone on stage nodded with me and I saw people in the audience really taking on what I had just said.

It was... intense, and amazing. I was speaking in public and not making a dick of myself.

As nerve racking as it was, and even though my anxiety is completely opposing to this, I love the idea of doing this more often. I think I want to make a career within pop culture. Somehow...

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Monster vacuum

Maybe I hold onto my Monsters so tight is because, in a way, they give me comfort. They give me an excuse.

"Oh, I would be attractive, only if this changed"
"Oh, I'd be able to work, if that changed"
"Oh, I'll find someone, when these are changed"

But what happens when you get rid of the Monsters, and are still faced with those same problems? You can't remove a void, you can only fill it. Sometimes, it's really easy to fill a Monster-shaped hole with another similar Monster. It comes natural, doesn't it?

What happens when you bring down a Wall, and everything spills out? You have to find it all again, right? But what if you lose parts of yourself, or mistake a piece of the Wall for a part of you?

I hold my Monsters because, maybe, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't. But if the evil you know is slowly rotting you from the inside, can another one really be worse?

Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.

Why am I going back?

Last year I went to an event that I hated. I'm going back this saturday.

I feel... anxious and alone. I just want to talk about it with someone.

I want to find someone to play with on the night, get my ass beat, get zapped, tied up, just something. I've been feeling extremely isolated lately from no physical contact, and feeling somewhat... I don't know, ugly, unapproachable, like poison? I'm scared of not finding someone, or someone rejecting me.

This week, probably tomorrow, I'm planning on going to get my body waxed so I can't let my hairy ass be the thing to stop me.

The show has just begun

Lately I've noticed how much I let my body stop me from doing things I want to do.

Last night I went to a kink event with a friend, and really wanted to play with someone, but always fell back on "but I'm all gross and hairy". I usually just resigned myself to this, but lately I've realised I can actually do something about that. I can get waxed, get IPL, do something to change it. But I haven't.

I'm not even sure why I haven't. Some kind of lack of confidence probably.

There's another event in a week that we're probably going to, so I have this week to do something about my body. Hopefully I won't talk myself out of it.

Compromise

I don't know where to start this. It's been around for a long time, and the amount it bothers me comes in waves, but it never really leaves, I don't think. I'm talking about how I interact with people.

I grew up being forced to have more social contact than I was comfortable with. More than just school, but family and seeing people outside of school. Eventually, my mum registered that I loathed being around people a lot, so she took the opposite route and let me be as antisocial as I wanted. Again, that's not good. It got it into my head that I can just blow people off, keep being alone and be happy about it.

But now... I think about all the people I could know and be friends with, and they're just strangers. This is a Wall, in the most literal sense, but it's also one of my strongest. Sometimes, I try to take a step back and look at the situation, and I think I can come close to understanding it, and thus find a solution, but it's almost like being in a labyrinth, where turning a corner only leads to another fork in the road.

But, I'm trying, and this is what I want to write about right now.

When I meet someone new, I see them as a very temporary object until they prove themselves otherwise. In other words, I put distance between me and them until they decide I'm worth the effort to close that distance. I place the burden on them to get to know me, when it should be a two way street in communication. While this does mean that anyone who does manage to bridge that gap is very valuable to me, it also means I'm turning away dozens of people in my life.

But why? Why is this my MO?

I have an extremely negative view of people. At some point in my life, I experienced something that made me think people are not worth effort. I think everyone is stupid until proven otherwise. I think they're uninteresting, ignorant, a deviant, will use me for something... I don't know. Sometimes I place the blame back on myself, but only in shallow ways that makes it sound like they're still the ones who would reject me.

So, essentially, I have a bias towards people before I even talk to them, let alone getting to know them. I usually try really hard to push past this and just accept new people into my life, but I rarely welcome anyone new as a friend. I can act friendly towards people, and hold conversations, but unless something big stands out about them, they usually just leave my mind when my eyes are off them.

Knowing all of this, and all of its implications and contradictions and many layers, can make things a bit easier. Like so many of my Monsters, though, it makes me feel like this way is right. Like I have high standards of what I want in a friend, but that's just not true.

It is not a compromise of myself to give everyone a chance to get to know me.

Better Living Through Chemistry pt7

It's coming up on a year on The Pills and I still resent them and being on them. Almost no one knows I'm on them.

I'm regularly forgetting to take them for days at a time, so I feel really strange sometimes and wonder why.

I'm getting more depressed lately. I feel a lot of stress from things I'm not doing. One of the big signs that I'm depressed more is that I'm playing TF2 again, a game that doesn't really bring me a lot of enjoyment, but just lets me waste away the hours.

Tomorrow is a convention that I've been looking forward to for months, but here I am, the night before, wondering if I really do want to go and considering not setting an alarm so I can just sleep through it. Why, though? I know I'll enjoy it while I'm there, and I know it will be a great learning experience for me in terms of media and the radio show I'm on. But... I just don't care enough.

Normally with my one year threads I look back at the positives of it all and how things have gotten better. I don't think I'll be doing that this time. I still hate The Pills, and I hate being on them, and most of all I hate the time in which I started taking them.

Exit Planet Dust, pt. 3

Well. That idea died fast.

One of my friends backed out. So it looks like I'm still stuck here for the foreseeable future. I don't know what to say or think about this. I just feel numb, and I'm worried I'll fall back into binging junk food again. We'll see what happens I guess.

Hair

I wish I didn't dye my hair.

I don't miss my old boring hair though. I love the colour that I dyed it. I just can't keep it up. I can't maintain it and I don't know why. My hair has been getting more green every time I redye it and it's driving me insane.

I need help with this... and so many other things. Ugh. Most of my life seems to be me drowning when I try something with my appearance.

Exit Planet Dust, part 2

I've finally managed to find a way out of this house and I'm terrified.

Living here is stressful and annoying and overstimulating... but it's all I've known. I've lived here for 23 years, and the longest time I've been away was 2 weeks. We never moved, I was a baby in the same room I still sleep in.

The prospect of moving out is... appealing but also scary. I have a large safety net here, and leaving it behind means, well, I'm on my own. I'll survive, I know that. And I guess I'm focusing on the idea of rent, where it will be a money sink. Which it is, but it's not just money that disappears. It's money that's being used to pay for where I live, my own place.

I also won't be alone: If all goes to plan, I'll be moving in with 3 other trans people, one of which I get along really well with, and the other two I like. I'll have my PC, my consoles, my games, my books, my music, my bed, my kink gear, my stuffed toys, my clothes, my art, my pills, my TV, my DVDs. I'll even get to cook for myself, and have food I enjoy, and be able to keep my own schedule without worrying I'm putting mum out by being up all night and sleeping all day.

I'll get to continue transitioning without worrying about family. I'll get to have people over. I'll get to have a relationship that isn't crippled by the presence of my mother. The rent is very cheap, so it's not like I won't be able to afford anything. I won't be cut off, quite the opposite. I'll be near a train station and I'm even on the same line as the one I'm on now.

But I'm still freaking out.

Defeat

I got some pretty badass dread falls last week. They're hanging up in my room, making me feel uncomfortable and just generally being imposing. But the cool thing is that they felt imposing and scary because of how you put them on, rather than how they make you look when they're on.

So today I took the plunge and tried to make my hair ready to put them in and it was a complete disaster that made me feel like shit and made me want to just hide in my room forever. I'm trying to tell myself it's because I was missing something to keep my hair more stable, but I don't think that's true. I'm just terrible at doing stuff to my own hair. My hair used to be blue, and I loved it. But now it's green and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong when I re-dye it, nor do I have anyone to help me or to even talk to about it.

I need help with this but I don't have anyone to call, or talk to, or to visit, or anything. It's just... me. I don't even have anyone to vent to.

Tomorrow I'm going to try again, but I don't like my chances... but I guess this is just about practice. The problem is I hate being shit at things, and have a lot of trouble pushing myself to do things I'm bad at.

Maybe I'm the problem

Maybe she's distant because she's been having a hard time lately.
Maybe I'm being selfish for being angry at her for disappearing.
Maybe I'm the one not putting in enough effort.

I don't know why this has only just occurred to me.

Branch out

I feel strangely lonely.

I've taken to WoW so hard lately cos I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. No one consistent anyway. But I'm also kinda depressed because I feel like there's very little room for me Serina's life...

That's hard to admit, and also seems like it's not true at the same time. But... intention is different from execution. She seems to enjoy my company, and always says she's looking forward to seeing me at places, but the last few times I hung out with her I barely saw her.

The other night I went out to a movie with some friends, and they crashed at my place afterwards. I really enjoyed that, I felt comfortable with them in my house. I think I'll invite them over again soon. Maybe I should take this as a message from the universe it's time to branch out and actually make new friends, rather than just people I know.

I dislike feeling lonely. It makes me feel confused and overwhelmed.

Burn Out

I need... something.

Something substantial, wholesome, to do for myself.

I look at my room, at my computer, and all I can see is a wasteland of clutter and noise and bright horrible lights. I need to do something different, something new.

I need... less of what I have. I don't know. I'm tired, and I can't sleep it off.

Shell Shock

I've been feeling exceptionally vulnerable and fragile since Tuesday night.

It reminded me of that intense anxiety I used to feel. It reopened that wound, and while I haven't felt my confidence suffer from it, my mood has definitely taken it full-force. I've been binge eating almost constantly since it happened, spend a lot of time in my room because I just don't want to face anything and been very irritable.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going back to do the next show, no doubt about that, but only because I know this was a total fluke of a fuck up and never happens. But as for me and my mental state... at least I have a new adorable dog and my bed of stuffed toys to lighten my mood.

Raw burn

Last night was intense for me. I was in at the radio station, pretty relaxed like I usually am before a show because I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it's better to just be flexible while in the booth. However, 2 minutes until the show starts, we discover there's something wrong with the console.

Sonja starts freaking out, swearing, getting people to call people and running around trying to get things sorted, meanwhile the clock is ticking down. Eventually it just runs out, and we're thrown into a spotlight half-dressed.

I was getting rather nervous, mostly for Sonja's sanity, but then came time for my part in the show, and it's all a terrible blur of Um's and Uhhh's and that terrible feeling I used to get when I had to make a phone call. I suddenly felt like my face was on fire, it was hard to breathe, I had no one in this room with me when I'm used to having at least 2 people to pick up the ball if I drop it. I was flying blind. Thankfully, with my segment, I had a lot of material to pick from, so I just kept talking about what I know, hoping it was good enough and helped buy some time.

After what felt like several lifetimes, Sonja reappeared to help me out a bit, and slowly took back the show, and played an ad and a song, giving me a ton of time to go sit down outside the booth.

Sonja followed me out, and I had a small reception of people there tell me I did good, which made me feel great. After the show one of them told me I was hyperventilating during this, but I don't remember. All I remember was that I was sweating and shaking.

I went back into the booth after about 15 minutes to resume the show with Sonja, and I think the last half went really well.

When I got home, I just flopped into bed, listened to relaxing music and didn't do anything, and promised myself that tomorrow (read: today) I would take care of myself and just stay home and avoid stress. I did just that, and I'm feeling good.

This was by far my biggest anxiety attack this year. I was so stressed, and my emotions were shot. Afterwards I knew I was hungry, and that I wanted to go home, but I didn't really understand which was the priority, so I wondered back and forth between food places and my bus stop for 20 minutes before deciding food was more important, and I'd just get a taxi home if I missed the final bus (which I did)

But I'm proud of myself. I handled it, got through it, and knew what it took to make myself feel better. This would have killed me a year ago.

Hyena

The co-host of the radio show I'm on had a falling out with the host, so I said I could help out more, and she reacted pretty well to that idea.

This is the first time in a long time I've been excited about doing more, and taking on more responsibility. I guess it's mostly because of the eventual rewards of this. I really love movies and pop culture, so if I do more for the show I'll get exposed to more of it. I'm rather looking forward to the idea of making contacts and getting my name out there. It would be really cool to be some kind of journalist, and maybe eventually get into making movies in some aspect.

With all that said, I feel bad about the host and co-host breaking up like this. Part of me feels kinda guilty for all of that previous paragraph being the first thing to pop into my head when I heard the news. Almost like someone dying and wondering what your share of the inheritance will be.

Satellite

My trouble relating to people is well documented here. It's not severe, or crippling, but it leads to very complicated and confusing places. I look at two people who meet, and seem to be friends. But I take a long time to get there with most people. Serina is probably the fastest I've considered someone a friend after meeting them.

For instance, very recently I've become friends with someone fairly new in my life, Cali, but I've known them for months. That's moving fast for me. We talk almost every day, mostly because we play World of Warcraft together. She's also trans, and knows I'm sexual, which also shakes me a bit. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, but I'm used to it scaring people or confusing them, so I rarely talk about it. But it's easy with her, and she also talks about her sexuality with me.

I look at my life, and the communities I'm in, and the people I'm surrounded by, and I see a very select few as friends. I enjoy the company of many people, and I get along with almost everyone at my group, but I've rarely seen anyone's house, and almost no one has been to my house. Not that that's a strict definition of friendship, I couldn't tell you what pushes someone over that imaginary line into my friendship zone.

But here's the interesting thing: I'm ok with it.

Lately, after seeing Serina's energy levels go extra crazy, as well as being around E again who also has energy problems, I'm understanding my own energy better. I'm introverted, people drain me, and there's nothing wrong with that. It would make sense, given that people drain me, I let a very select few be exposed to me on a regular basis.

I would enjoy having a circle of friends who I see constantly, and go out with, but it's more the idea I enjoy. I've had that before, and rejected it because I hated it. Staying at home most of the time, playing Starcraft and WoW and being on Skype makes me happy. Controlling who I talk to and how often I do it is becoming vital to my wellbeing, especially given that I'm now part of a radio show, where my job is to do exactly the thing that exhausts me.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

Lines and limits

Today I was tested.

One of the people who let me down a while ago was over, and we played, and it was fun. I checked with my potential Master, and he said sure fine have fun. After it was over, and she went home, and I got online, I told him that we would like to make it a regular thing, and he said he had problems with that. In short, he doesn't like open poly type deals, just within his circle, his family. Which I can respect, and understand the appeal of.

He also understands my perspective, and we pretty much agreed that this wasn't going to work, and that was that. No hard feelings, no anger, he just said "it's beset to be open and honest".

I've never had this happen before. All previous breakups of any kind have been a complete mess of tears and confusion. I was looking forward to pursuing this with him, but this is a real and valid reason a relationship can't work. I enjoy (at least the idea of) playing and having sex with multiple people, and he doesn't agree with that.

I never thought I'd draw a line in the sand and stick to it. I was tempted to pretend this part of me didn't exist, but maybe I'm growing up or something, because after 20 minutes of really thinking about it I realised I couldn't do that.

No faith

I don't trust anyone to stay around me. I'm used to spending so much time alone that I almost regret inviting others into my life. I believe that everyone will abandon ship at the first opportunity, and it's happened a few times.

This is why it's hard for me to form new relationships. I'm staring down the barrel of something I want, and I almost called it off the other day because I believed it was only a matter of time that he would decide he didn't want me, and I would just make things easier if I stopped things now. I had something to tell him, and I was worried about how he'd react. I had already made the decision for him, deciding that what I had to say was too much trouble.

I was ready for the worst... and I didn't get it. Quite the opposite. I got a very good reaction. I was stunned, I was genuinely expecting him to tell me to go away. But he didn't. He wants to continue, and see where this goes. I've yet to meet him, but I think we may finally meet face to face this weekend.

He wants to see inside my head, and he makes me feel comfortable while I dig parts out for him. I call him Master, now. Had trouble believing that word would be part of my regular vocabulary.

Wanting the best, expecting the worst

As usual, I'm in the middle of something I want, but don't believe will happen.

I've wanted something like this for a long time, and unlike a lot of my previous encounters, this is pretty close to my fantasy, my ideal-world thing. I've been coming to terms with the extreme likelihood that what I wanted would never exist, and even if it did I wouldn't be anywhere near it. But now it seems tangible, plausible.

But wanting and getting are two different things. I usually have no problem initiating, but in the middle is where I fall apart most of the time. There's also so many things about myself that I believe are not only appealing, but repulsive, and leaves me in a limbo where I'm too far for one person, but not far enough for another. I've been on hormones for almost 3 years, yet I still have an insane amount of body hair? How can someone be so broken?

I feel like stagnation is my default.

Savour

I'm writing this with the total awareness that it's not even been a week.

Things have gotten interesting. I'm currently under consideration by a Dom, which is a nice feeling. He has some rules in place already, and while they barely impact me at the moment, I'm taking them seriously, to show him I'm genuine, and want this, and understand what this is.

Right now, it's a morsel of it all, which is normal and fine and cool. But it tastes oh so sweet.

Feast or famine

Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for more crashes, but things have been looking up in my personal life. It's rather confusing to me, I've got 3 people vocally interested, in vastly different capacities, and what makes me happy is that they don't conflict with each other, so I don't have to decide what to do, because I can just do it all.

It's rather obscene, really. I guess this is just what happens when you take time off from the world and just look at yourself, and work on yourself. After all, I am in a type of recovery. I have things to look forward to outside of these people, I'm on the radio and doing quite a lot with it, I do stuff with my group...

But once burned, twice shy. I'll see when I get there, really. I hope things work out for once.

External Monsters

It's getting to a point where something has to give.

A while ago I had a realisation that I actually like my life, except for my living conditions. It's impossible to live here, with her. I can't take being blamed for things that aren't my fault, having small things be blown out of proportion, have my own computer being taken up for hours and hours and then be made to feel guilty for wanting it back. The amount of times she gets angry at me for not doing what she doesn't ask me to do...

I don't know what to do.

This makes me feel like I have nowhere to go, no home, nowhere I can just... exist.

Future

My first radio show went really well. I was so nervous, but when it came time to actually talk it was so easy. The co-host of the show is super cool as well, and told me I'd almost definitely love to do a media course, and that really resonated with me.

I'd never thought about it before. For a while now, I'd always wanted to go back to school to do something, but I could never figure out what. In the last 6 months I've been getting really heavily back into film, and now I have a gig on the radio to talk about horror and share a huge passion of mine. A friend of mine, who I haven't seen in years, messaged me out of the blue saying this radio thing is the most perfect thing in the universe I could do.

So it all kinda makes sense right now. It just seems like the next logical step. Last time I went down this road, I did it because I had no idea what I wanted to do, and I really wasn't in a headspace to decide, so I just went with what people told me. But now... Even though this is all happening by luck and external suggestions, no one is pushing me into anything. If I don't do this, I can still continue my existence how I see fit.

I quite like this idea.

Movie geek's dream come true

Flaunting your passions has its advantages. A friend who works at a radio station asked me a month ago if I would be interested in going on a radio show to review movies, specifically horror movies. Of course I was interested, but my anxieties stopped me from jumping at it. I went in tonight to meet the host of the show, and sat in on a show, and I felt amazingly comfortable.

I talked to her afterwards and asked her what she wanted me to do, and a bunch of other questions, and was really happy with the answer. We got along great, geeked out about horror (which I haven't done with someone in 5 years).

Since this is a serious radio station, there are really cool perks to this as well. Free passes to movies, conventions, interviews... I might even get to meet a director or writer! If I do well, I might even be able to use this to move on somewhere bigger. I'm really daring to dream here when I say there may be a career somewhere here. Maybe. I would love to have my life focused around this.

My friend asked me about this because he knows I'm a horror nut, and thinks I'm smart. Which is flattering. I've loved horror movies pretty much all my life, so it's nice that there's the potential they can take me somewhere. I'm so insanely excited, but I'm trying to stay grounded and just go with the flow. If it doesn't go anywhere, then it doesn't. But I can still hope.

Pride

Today was the pride march in my city. I didn't go.

Last night I was torturing myself about it. I didn't want to go, I knew I didn't have the energy, but I felt like I should go. I remembered Carnival, two weeks ago, and how awful it was. Eventually, I landed on the decision to just not go, and to sleep in, because I really needed to catch up on energy.

 I was surprised when I felt relief, and not guilt, which is what I was expecting. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I was expecting to feel like I'd let the community down, or myself and my transness, if that makes sense. But I know plenty of people who didn't go last year and are involved in the community.

So I don't know. I'm glad I feel this way. I know I'm not missing out on anything, because I've been twice before and both times weren't that great.

Reopening wounds

I believe in the power of art.

A friend approached me because she wants to do a series of paintings revolving around gender, and asked me to model for them, and help her with ideas. She wants to show the really negative and dark parts of being transgender, and warned me a few times things will get very emotional, but she doesn't know to what level.

As I've said many times here, I'm involved in a trans youth group in my city, and I'm very forward with information and details. I help new transgirls, I tell them they can ask me anything, I'm an open book. I offer the same to transguys as a courtesy, but for obvious reasons they don't take me up on it for the most part. I'm not an activist, but I like exposing people to trans issues, and reminding the world we're also human, which is something I tend to forget along the way. Something about becoming a monster while fighting monsters.

I'm looking forward to the dark bits. I quite enjoy the negative aspects of a lot of things in some weird way, and so many times in my transition I've felt like I was staring down into a dark abyss, deciding whether to jump or sit and admire the view. It's not all like that, though. There are amazing times when you feel invincible, and like a god.

But this isn't about those times. This is about the abyss. The hopelessness. The loneliness. The self-loathing. The self-mutilation. The victim. The endless questions. I hope things get as raw as she says. I almost feel eager to intentionally open these old wounds that rarely effect me, and let the blood and the tears flow, and let the world see it.

Another time, another place, another person

In 2006 I met a girl, J, who I fell in love with, and who loved me back. We lived on opposite sides of the country though, and my anxiety was severe at the time. She came to visit, and I was awkward, and shy, and scared, and anxious, and unsure...

We broke up at some point, and slowly stopped talking. No communication for years.

We've been back in touch, and it's great talking to her again. We knew each other inside and out all those years ago, and we can still talk for ages and ages despite how much we've both changed. Talking to her now, it's kinda scary to see how drastic the change is. We're both completely different people, or rather, more amplified versions of ourselves. We're both still kinky, into piercings, into the same kind of lifestyles and really open.

She reminds me of how cloudy life was. How much I couldn't comprehend, and didn't see. How small my world was. I was in high school, and I could barely leave the house because of my anxiety and depression. I remember life with her involved quite vividly, so it's quite amazing to see myself here and now, and to look back on recent memories and sit in stunned silence that it's the same person.

She set the trend for people I would later date, and made me realise my capacity for caring for someone. She gave me a glimpse into the lifestyle I wanted. She gave me the most intimate night of my life so far. My benchmark for others. My realisation that no matter how amazing someone is, they have flaws, and sometimes gaping ones.

If it sounds like I'm still in love with her, I kinda am. You never really get over your first love, right? Not that I'm trying to validate my feelings for her, I've been dealing with them for over half a decade, and I've put them in their place. But every now and then I see a picture of her, or read something of hers, and I'm instantly that awkward teenage boy again, the one obsessed with that person larger than life, wishing he could be half as amazing as them.

Physical

For a while, I'd been talking to a boy who was interested in meeting up with me for sex. I was hesitant to say yes, for a variety of reasons, some of which are tied up in the last few entries here.

It was a fantastic stress-relief, and a boost of self-esteem and confidence. I'd been going a little crazy from the lack of intimacy and physical attention in my life, and my ability to get it. It was kinda scary though, because I haven't done anything like that for years. He was nice though, and was understanding, and experienced.

When the time came for penetration, I lost my nerve for a minute, but I went through, and I'm glad I did. It was incredible. It sounds insane for someone who blogs about kink so much, but missionary position is fucking incredible. Having him on top, moving my legs sometimes, looking down... nothing else like it.

Too bad he lives so far away. Won't see him again for a long while.

Wanting isn't evil

I have trouble expressing what I want, especially when it comes to sex. I dealt with a lot of assholes when I was younger, who either disregarded what I wanted or ignored it. So I'm a bit hesitant to say what I want, because I'm not used to it mattering, or having someone use it against me. So when it comes to most of my life, I hide what I want. I pretend I don't want it.

This likely has a lot to do with my self worth, and even my weird passive aggressiveness with feeling ignored. It makes sense in my head: if I tell someone I want something from them, they will intentionally not give it to me to make me suffer, or set me up for a bigger fall later by agreeing and backing out later. Again, I can understand, in my head, how 99% of people won't do this with that motivation in mind. In my warped mind, by showing minimal interest I'll get what I want, because showing enough interest to do it, but not enough for people to hurt me from it, will get me what I want.

It's hard to remember when it happens though. It's so hard to remind myself they're not doing this to hurt me, and being hurt is just a result of it, not the intention.

I've been getting in practice with saying what I want, and it's rather freeing. I've been talking to a boy who's coming over monday, and we've both been saying what turns us on, what we like. I almost fell into my usual trap with him, and started to be really blase with him. But I was talking to someone about him, and their boytoy, and I realised that he wants this too. I didn't want to come on too strong, nor did I want to show I really wanted this, but I showed it to him today, and was received with massive positivity.

I feel good. I can't wait for monday.

Genuine positivity

I keep a diary, one apart from this blog. It's where I dump my crazy, whereas here is where I focus more on ideas and revelations. It's basically Unfiltered Ylatch, where I don't force myself to be positive or happy or even write with a purpose. It's just where I write what's on my mind, even if I've written it a thousand times before, even if it's depressing, even if it's a half finished thought.

Last night I was writing in it, moaning about wanting more kink in my life, when I wrote something amazingly positive and it only hit me well after I'd written it. I wrote a personal ad, after Serina suggested it, and I did it after a lot of stress, because I can't even begin to sell myself.

Unless it's an extremely slow boil, I got no hits. What I wrote about it was "at least I got practice in to actually say what I want". Which is true, it was good practice, especially for someone who doesn't ever really see good in themselves, or anything anyone else would want. I'm not even disappointed about the ad, because they never work anyway.

I keep flipflopping in my mental state and confidence. Tomorrow night a kink event is on that I've been invited to, but the closer it gets the less I want to go. At this point it doesn't even matter if I like the event or not, because I just need to get the confidence up, to show a bit more of myself in this community. Whenever I meet these kinds of people one on one, I have a great time, they're super friendly and awesome and make me feel good about going to events. But at the events, the people are... it's like highschool again. Everyone is in their own isolated circles, and it's fucking hard to break in.

Accept

My mental state is somewhat positive lately. I have a playdate on monday, and I've just generally been feeling good about myself.

This is, of course, after contrast to how I've been feeling lately. And For how bad I felt, it didn't last as long as it usually does. I was going kinda crazy, because I wanted some kink in my life again, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. So instead of sulking and complaining, I asked Serina what I was doing wrong, because she knows more about the community than I do.

So at least now I have a direction. It felt nice to just accept I was feeling shit about it, that I was doing something wrong, but didn't know what.

Proximity pt2

Taking a break from all things kink. Or rather, sitting in the corner with my ears covered and going lalalalala trying to drown it out. I'm starting to hate thinking about kink.

I threw all my stuffed toys off my bed tonight. In some way I blame them. They'll probably be back, I just don't know when.

Proximity

It was Carnival today, which marks 3 years in the trans community for me. It's a nice thing I can set my watch to, Carnival will always be a big thing for me, even if it's terrible, which it was today. But that's not what this post is about.

While I was there, I saw an abnormal amount of people in leather, and latex, and corsets... There are usually a dozen wandering around, but not this many. It kinda made me feel really self-conscious, because, well... I want what they have. All of them were with someone, holding hands. It's hard being around other kinky people right now, and hearing about their stories of the kinky things they do.

In about two weeks is pride march, and I got this idea in my head that I want someone to put me on a leash for it, which is all well and good, but I don't know anyone. So that's frustrating.

An interesting thing is that I want to be on a leash during pride march at all. Usually I can't wait to pile in with the various trans groups and wave to the people, but I guess having no means of kink right now has made me crave it so intensely that I want to show off that side of me. Last year there was some kind of kink group in the parade, maybe there will be again this year.

The worst thing is, the longer I'm out of it the more awkward I get around it.

Want and Confidence

On new years my friend dyed my hair black and blue. I never thought I'd have the confidence to dye my hair, I always thought I'd regret it and miss my brown hair. But I love it, and I love wearing it. It makes me feel better about existing in the world.

Years ago I got the idea to dye my hair, but I chickened out. What will everyone think? What will they say? Now, I don't really care.

I've also done something else that I've wanted for a while, and got my nipples pierced. The actual getting was awful, but made better by a wonderful piercer and Serina getting me lunch. Afterwards, though... the high I felt was intense. I was so proud of myself.

It barely even registered that I was topless in front of a stranger. Actually about 4 strangers, the piercer's boy was there and two students came in while I was taking a break and lounging around topless, they didn't react so neither did I. Maybe body confidence comes from accepting your own body, rather than changing it to what you want it to be...

Confidence is a really nice thing. It's kinda nice to be in a position where I can appreciate my own confidence, because I come from a place where I didn't have any.

Close. Far. Close.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, years, maybe over a decade. I didn't really want it to be true, because... it seemed too obvious. But I think I have some really heavy abandonment issues with no understanding of how to cope with them.

Whenever someone lets me down in some way, I usually just... ignore them, or avoid them, and if I have to interact with them I just do the absolute bare minimum. I get it into my head that they let me down on purpose, so they don't like me, so it won't matter if they think I hate them. But then, after being exposed to the person again for a while, I see that they don't hate me, and that almost all of this is in my head.

There's a really fucked up logic to this, in my brain. I feel like a dog, if I don't see someone for a while I get super happy when I do see them and basically wanna just hug them and wag my tail and stare at them for a while. But if they're the person that let me down, I feel like not being happy they're back is some kind of stupid punishment, where my sadness causes them pain. Which explains why it takes a phenominal amount of effort to do something positive for myself when I'm down, like playing a game or actually trying to be happy.

On top of that kind of "punishment", I also feel like if there's no repurcussion they feel like they can just do it again, and again. That might be true, but it's obvious I never actually communicate when I'm let down, and why. Instead, my stupid little ritual only makes me feel worse with no other results, because most of the time it just goes over the person's head.

This is what living inside my head is like. It's any wonder I want to leave the planet.

Worth

So... the last 5 or 6 months have had a spiraling theme lurking above them, and many things have resulted from it.

I could point out specific events and people, but I won't. The end result of most negative things that happened last year was that I felt like I didn't matter, and while I usually bounced back with my mood that has stuck.

Over the new years I stayed at a friends, because it's kinda tradition now to spend NYE with them. But the entire time I was there I felt really guilty about existing in their space, like I was some alien or I was forcing them to have me there when they didn't want me to.

There are things I want, some from myself and some from other people, but most of the time I feel like I'm not worth it. I want to study, but I don't feel like I would be worth the money it would take to do a course.

How do you get past this? I want to care about myself again, I want to feel even a little bit valuable to someone, but every step I take just moves me backwards.

Friendships

I'm rather... extreme when it comes to friendships.

I feel a huge need to share everything with someone. It's hard for me to have multiple people fulfill multiple aspects of me with little overlap between them. I'm almost a serial monogomist, but with best friends instead of lovers. Sometimes the two overlapped but not much until the last few years.

I have issues connecting with people sometimes, so when I find someone who I can share almost everything with I latch on. This is the longest I've gone in about 10 years without a person like that and I'm really feeling the itch. Serina is a good part-time version of this person, but I can only see that decreasing in the future, even though we're really close.

It's really hard to find this kind of person when you're not doing anything with your life. I miss having someone I can do everything with, and always talk to.