Motivation

Tonight I had a big startle: I can barely fit into my lolita outfit! I only got it in june, and I somehow gained enough weight to make it extremely tight.

I immediately got onto google and looked up how to lose weight, only to find out I already knew what I needed to know, because I've googled it a hundred times already.

This happens a lot. I get the urge to lose weight and be more active, and then I lose it just as fast. I know I want to lose this weight, but instead of getting on my bike and going for a ride for half an hour, I sit at home and play TF2. I used to feel guilty about it, but now it's just part of my life. It's pretty consistent, to the point where I'm not even expecting to think about it at all tomorrow.

So now I'm googling how to fix my clothes for my fat ass, and the funny part is I won't even do that. I'd like to say it's because it would be like giving up, but no. I just can't retain motivation anymore.

Permission

There's a transgirl I know who is extremely determined to transition. She is full of self-loathing and insecurity.

The last few times I've talked to her she's mentioned her increasing health issues to do with her over-exerting herself on a constant basis. She barely eats, and exercises to the point of exhaustion every single day. Naturally, this made her unwell. She went to the doctor and became furious when he said to stop her routine.

She thinks that having any fat on her is muscle, and muscle is what men have, not women. She isn't listening to reason, and seems to want permission to keep doing what she's doing. I refuse to give in and take the apathetic attitude I normally have. I care about this girl, and I want her to succeed in a healthy way.

I've tried to talk her down so much, but I see that's pointless. If I push too hard she'll push me away, and just keep doing it. I regularly give her advice, whether she takes it is another matter.

She regularly says "When I transition". She sees it as a black and white thing. Something quick, and painless. If only it were. I've also tried to tell her she already is transitioning, but I got a confused reaction. I suppose the best thing I can do for her is to keep her near, and help pick up the pieces if she falls apart.

Scared

These last few weeks have not been very good, for my headspace. My mum is getting increasingly difficult to deal with, as well as some other things going through my head.

The first being transitioning. I feel like I've hit a ceiling, which I shouldn't be feeling right now. There's always something stopping me, whether tangible and realistic, or totally in my head. I've been feeling very out of control of my own life lately. My mum steering me to places I don't want to go, which keeps my transition from progressing. The first and most prevelent is my job. The job that I hate, and only do on saturdays, that won't take me anywhere in my life.

Then there's my family, who don't know about me, but the more frustrated I get the less I care. Mum's been pushing me away from them for a while now, so that might be part of it. They're pretty much already not involved with my life, so why hide it from them?

This random irrational fear has come out in a very strange way... I've stopped taking my hormones. I talked to Serina about it, and she said it's a way for me to gain some form of control. I think she's right. She convinced me to take them again in front of her, but I haven't done it since. It's been about two weeks off them, and I've noticed the change. I feel heavier, and more masculine. It's kinda scary. Actually it's really scary.

All of this on top of the fact that my life is going nowhere. I'm not in school, I'm working at a job that doesn't really let me go anywhere, and I'm stuck in the middle of transitioning. I'm just stuck where I am.

I keep trying to imagine a realistic solution to all of this, and what I'm coming up with is to quit my job at the end of the year, move out, change my name (this is a huge priority for me right now) and go to school. Easier said than done, but it's realistic.

First order of business is to get back on hormones.