Scared

These last few weeks have not been very good, for my headspace. My mum is getting increasingly difficult to deal with, as well as some other things going through my head.

The first being transitioning. I feel like I've hit a ceiling, which I shouldn't be feeling right now. There's always something stopping me, whether tangible and realistic, or totally in my head. I've been feeling very out of control of my own life lately. My mum steering me to places I don't want to go, which keeps my transition from progressing. The first and most prevelent is my job. The job that I hate, and only do on saturdays, that won't take me anywhere in my life.

Then there's my family, who don't know about me, but the more frustrated I get the less I care. Mum's been pushing me away from them for a while now, so that might be part of it. They're pretty much already not involved with my life, so why hide it from them?

This random irrational fear has come out in a very strange way... I've stopped taking my hormones. I talked to Serina about it, and she said it's a way for me to gain some form of control. I think she's right. She convinced me to take them again in front of her, but I haven't done it since. It's been about two weeks off them, and I've noticed the change. I feel heavier, and more masculine. It's kinda scary. Actually it's really scary.

All of this on top of the fact that my life is going nowhere. I'm not in school, I'm working at a job that doesn't really let me go anywhere, and I'm stuck in the middle of transitioning. I'm just stuck where I am.

I keep trying to imagine a realistic solution to all of this, and what I'm coming up with is to quit my job at the end of the year, move out, change my name (this is a huge priority for me right now) and go to school. Easier said than done, but it's realistic.

First order of business is to get back on hormones.