Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

Lines and limits

Today I was tested.

One of the people who let me down a while ago was over, and we played, and it was fun. I checked with my potential Master, and he said sure fine have fun. After it was over, and she went home, and I got online, I told him that we would like to make it a regular thing, and he said he had problems with that. In short, he doesn't like open poly type deals, just within his circle, his family. Which I can respect, and understand the appeal of.

He also understands my perspective, and we pretty much agreed that this wasn't going to work, and that was that. No hard feelings, no anger, he just said "it's beset to be open and honest".

I've never had this happen before. All previous breakups of any kind have been a complete mess of tears and confusion. I was looking forward to pursuing this with him, but this is a real and valid reason a relationship can't work. I enjoy (at least the idea of) playing and having sex with multiple people, and he doesn't agree with that.

I never thought I'd draw a line in the sand and stick to it. I was tempted to pretend this part of me didn't exist, but maybe I'm growing up or something, because after 20 minutes of really thinking about it I realised I couldn't do that.

No faith

I don't trust anyone to stay around me. I'm used to spending so much time alone that I almost regret inviting others into my life. I believe that everyone will abandon ship at the first opportunity, and it's happened a few times.

This is why it's hard for me to form new relationships. I'm staring down the barrel of something I want, and I almost called it off the other day because I believed it was only a matter of time that he would decide he didn't want me, and I would just make things easier if I stopped things now. I had something to tell him, and I was worried about how he'd react. I had already made the decision for him, deciding that what I had to say was too much trouble.

I was ready for the worst... and I didn't get it. Quite the opposite. I got a very good reaction. I was stunned, I was genuinely expecting him to tell me to go away. But he didn't. He wants to continue, and see where this goes. I've yet to meet him, but I think we may finally meet face to face this weekend.

He wants to see inside my head, and he makes me feel comfortable while I dig parts out for him. I call him Master, now. Had trouble believing that word would be part of my regular vocabulary.

Wanting the best, expecting the worst

As usual, I'm in the middle of something I want, but don't believe will happen.

I've wanted something like this for a long time, and unlike a lot of my previous encounters, this is pretty close to my fantasy, my ideal-world thing. I've been coming to terms with the extreme likelihood that what I wanted would never exist, and even if it did I wouldn't be anywhere near it. But now it seems tangible, plausible.

But wanting and getting are two different things. I usually have no problem initiating, but in the middle is where I fall apart most of the time. There's also so many things about myself that I believe are not only appealing, but repulsive, and leaves me in a limbo where I'm too far for one person, but not far enough for another. I've been on hormones for almost 3 years, yet I still have an insane amount of body hair? How can someone be so broken?

I feel like stagnation is my default.

Savour

I'm writing this with the total awareness that it's not even been a week.

Things have gotten interesting. I'm currently under consideration by a Dom, which is a nice feeling. He has some rules in place already, and while they barely impact me at the moment, I'm taking them seriously, to show him I'm genuine, and want this, and understand what this is.

Right now, it's a morsel of it all, which is normal and fine and cool. But it tastes oh so sweet.

Feast or famine

Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for more crashes, but things have been looking up in my personal life. It's rather confusing to me, I've got 3 people vocally interested, in vastly different capacities, and what makes me happy is that they don't conflict with each other, so I don't have to decide what to do, because I can just do it all.

It's rather obscene, really. I guess this is just what happens when you take time off from the world and just look at yourself, and work on yourself. After all, I am in a type of recovery. I have things to look forward to outside of these people, I'm on the radio and doing quite a lot with it, I do stuff with my group...

But once burned, twice shy. I'll see when I get there, really. I hope things work out for once.