Body betrayal

I'm not happy with my body right now. If I could send it to the corner to think about what it did, I would. For once, this isn't about transitioning.

Yesterday was Hooked Up and I went with my usual group. This time, all of us were doing something, rather than just one of us. The event's usual crowd is always amazing and supportive, and they seem to be the only people I can properly engage with regularly and not freeze.

I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it. On the day, I wasn't much better. It's a nice distraction watching others do their hook thing, so my own hooks weren't on my mind much once we arrived. Eventually it was my turn, and I was suddenly terrified again. I started panicking on the table before the hooks went in, but pushed it down and got through it. Once the hooks were in, I knew something was wrong. They didn't constantly sting this much last time, and it took me about 10 minutes before I was able to sit up, let alone walk.

I went to watch the group pull that I was meant to be part of, and tried to stop myself from crying over not being able to join in. I was in too much pain, too dizzy and I was shaking.

Eventually my friend finished with the group pull (which was amazing, she did so much. I'm as jealous as I am proud of her) I was feeling determined to do *something* with my hooks, so I asked if we could be tied together and pull off each other.

It was an amazing experience, even if it only lasted under a minute and resulted in me nearly passing out and then vomiting a lot. It was worth the stress and pain just for that short amount of time.

I'm disappointed in my body. I pushed myself as much as I could on the day, and I'm really proud of that. It just feels like it was a day that my body just wasn't willing to cooperate. It's very bittersweet.

Aggressive shell

Generally, I feel pretty worthless. I don't think I interest people, or appeal to them, so I don't try. Which just makes me feel worse, since then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate my Walls. It's crowded in here with all my Monsters. I feel so completely trapped in here, feeling alone and unwanted, I worry I'll never get out. It's a fucking nightmare living with someone who so effortlessly understands people and how to talk to them. It's like living with a mirror who just shows you all your inadequacies.

Not that it's their fault. This is me, and my feelings. I want to work on this, but I don't even know where to start. I can't spend the rest of my life alone. I need to engage. more, and get discouraged less.

Exit Planet Dust, part ɳ

I don't know what number I'm up to in this series, whatever.

I had my first laser and electro sessions in years today. I've officially started my hair removal process, and I'm extatic, despite being incredibly tired and sore. But this post isn't about that.

I was terrified to move out, but I did it anyway. I don't remember much about my emotions during the searching process up until signing the lease on a place, other than fear and the occasional spark of excitement. I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to do this, which pushed me through it when I wasn't completely sure, or ready.

Since then... I feel like a completely different person. Or rather, I feel like a cocoon, and will some inevitable day turn into a different person. That metaphor fell apart fast. Anyway, I feel as if I can see the horizon, and it's incredible motivation. Suddenly all the little bits feel like meaningful contributions, and things make sense.

I've gotten more confident, I can mostly take care of myself (to at least prevent my death), I'm still learning how to do money but I have help, I've had weird and amazing experiences I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home. It all begins at moving out. 2016, despite being pretty terrible globally, was pretty amazing in my own bubble. There was a lot of pain and confusion, but I see those for what they are: hard truths and learning experiences.

I'm excited to see the future. For once it seems like something worth putting effort into.

Acidic reframe

My new years night was interesting for me. I did some exploration, and felt like I had truly connected to my body in a new way. It's changed my perspective on it, and instead of seeing it as a blobby waste, I now see it as material I can work with.

I've had a goal for a while: fit back into my corset. But now I've added more short term ones that aren't to do with weight.

I want better legs, to have stamina, to get flexible. Working towards those will help achieve my main goal, and they actually have a use for me as well. I think I can make this work.

Weight again

I've been struggling with my weight for ages. A few months ago I was making good progress, but despite actually losing weight, that wasn't good enough for me. I hated exercising, I missed my favourite food, and I felt completely alone in my efforts. So I stopped, and I regret it.

I think I gave up when I was trying to find a way to enjoy exercise, and none of the info I found resonated with me. I figured it was impossible, and if I was still loathing it after doing it consistently then I resigned myself to never enjoying it, and gave up.


I'm going to try and push myself to do it again, even if it does make me unhappy and sore.

Your better nature

As I move forward I notice the more external forces I have, the more interior I become.

I'm not used to seeing so many people, it's becoming hard to keep up. I feel my ability to relate to others is in a serious flux. I'm constantly second guessing myself and others' intentions. My self esteem feels like it's falling up and down an endless flight of stairs. I'm doing things I want, but am afraid of, because they might hurt.

I'm trying to absorb as much as I can. I have new friends, and thus am introduced to new energies. I want to hide and play Factorio all day, but I'm not. I need to remind myself: it hurts because you need to break before you rebuild.

Something fancy

Just like last time, I wanted to make a note of the fact I had a blood test and didn't puke or feel dizzy, despite having a small anxiety attack in the waiting room before-hand. So here it is, yay.

But that's only part of today's story. I'm still feeling that fire, so I went to my doctor and talked to him about starting HRT again. Since I was forced to stop last time because I'd never seen a psychiatrist who cleared me for hormones, I went in thinking fuck it, I'll just bite the extremely slow moving bullet and get a referral and just have to wait the 9 or so months. So I laid it out for my doctor, and he said "Ah I see. Well it says here you were on progynova, so I'll write you another script for that and get your blood tested in a month to see how that goes."

Wait, what?

It turns out having a paper trail is actually handy. He didn't question it beyond what I took and how it felt when I was on it. So here I am, back on hormones, wondering if it was this easy all along. Then I'm reminded, no, it really wasn't. Part of it is being ready, and I wasn't until recently.

Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Invincibility and reality

So a while ago I found out someone I'd been following on YouTube is making a video game. Sonja suggested I ask her for an interview, and I jumped on it. I felt great, and excited.

Then reality set in, and the fear followed. I've resigned myself to knowing I won't do this, even though I want to. How often to you get to talk with someone you've looked up to for years?

I'm just really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Why am I going back?

Last year I went to an event that I hated. I'm going back this saturday.

I feel... anxious and alone. I just want to talk about it with someone.

I want to find someone to play with on the night, get my ass beat, get zapped, tied up, just something. I've been feeling extremely isolated lately from no physical contact, and feeling somewhat... I don't know, ugly, unapproachable, like poison? I'm scared of not finding someone, or someone rejecting me.

This week, probably tomorrow, I'm planning on going to get my body waxed so I can't let my hairy ass be the thing to stop me.

The show has just begun

Lately I've noticed how much I let my body stop me from doing things I want to do.

Last night I went to a kink event with a friend, and really wanted to play with someone, but always fell back on "but I'm all gross and hairy". I usually just resigned myself to this, but lately I've realised I can actually do something about that. I can get waxed, get IPL, do something to change it. But I haven't.

I'm not even sure why I haven't. Some kind of lack of confidence probably.

There's another event in a week that we're probably going to, so I have this week to do something about my body. Hopefully I won't talk myself out of it.

Compromise

I don't know where to start this. It's been around for a long time, and the amount it bothers me comes in waves, but it never really leaves, I don't think. I'm talking about how I interact with people.

I grew up being forced to have more social contact than I was comfortable with. More than just school, but family and seeing people outside of school. Eventually, my mum registered that I loathed being around people a lot, so she took the opposite route and let me be as antisocial as I wanted. Again, that's not good. It got it into my head that I can just blow people off, keep being alone and be happy about it.

But now... I think about all the people I could know and be friends with, and they're just strangers. This is a Wall, in the most literal sense, but it's also one of my strongest. Sometimes, I try to take a step back and look at the situation, and I think I can come close to understanding it, and thus find a solution, but it's almost like being in a labyrinth, where turning a corner only leads to another fork in the road.

But, I'm trying, and this is what I want to write about right now.

When I meet someone new, I see them as a very temporary object until they prove themselves otherwise. In other words, I put distance between me and them until they decide I'm worth the effort to close that distance. I place the burden on them to get to know me, when it should be a two way street in communication. While this does mean that anyone who does manage to bridge that gap is very valuable to me, it also means I'm turning away dozens of people in my life.

But why? Why is this my MO?

I have an extremely negative view of people. At some point in my life, I experienced something that made me think people are not worth effort. I think everyone is stupid until proven otherwise. I think they're uninteresting, ignorant, a deviant, will use me for something... I don't know. Sometimes I place the blame back on myself, but only in shallow ways that makes it sound like they're still the ones who would reject me.

So, essentially, I have a bias towards people before I even talk to them, let alone getting to know them. I usually try really hard to push past this and just accept new people into my life, but I rarely welcome anyone new as a friend. I can act friendly towards people, and hold conversations, but unless something big stands out about them, they usually just leave my mind when my eyes are off them.

Knowing all of this, and all of its implications and contradictions and many layers, can make things a bit easier. Like so many of my Monsters, though, it makes me feel like this way is right. Like I have high standards of what I want in a friend, but that's just not true.

It is not a compromise of myself to give everyone a chance to get to know me.

Hair

I wish I didn't dye my hair.

I don't miss my old boring hair though. I love the colour that I dyed it. I just can't keep it up. I can't maintain it and I don't know why. My hair has been getting more green every time I redye it and it's driving me insane.

I need help with this... and so many other things. Ugh. Most of my life seems to be me drowning when I try something with my appearance.

Exit Planet Dust, part 2

I've finally managed to find a way out of this house and I'm terrified.

Living here is stressful and annoying and overstimulating... but it's all I've known. I've lived here for 23 years, and the longest time I've been away was 2 weeks. We never moved, I was a baby in the same room I still sleep in.

The prospect of moving out is... appealing but also scary. I have a large safety net here, and leaving it behind means, well, I'm on my own. I'll survive, I know that. And I guess I'm focusing on the idea of rent, where it will be a money sink. Which it is, but it's not just money that disappears. It's money that's being used to pay for where I live, my own place.

I also won't be alone: If all goes to plan, I'll be moving in with 3 other trans people, one of which I get along really well with, and the other two I like. I'll have my PC, my consoles, my games, my books, my music, my bed, my kink gear, my stuffed toys, my clothes, my art, my pills, my TV, my DVDs. I'll even get to cook for myself, and have food I enjoy, and be able to keep my own schedule without worrying I'm putting mum out by being up all night and sleeping all day.

I'll get to continue transitioning without worrying about family. I'll get to have people over. I'll get to have a relationship that isn't crippled by the presence of my mother. The rent is very cheap, so it's not like I won't be able to afford anything. I won't be cut off, quite the opposite. I'll be near a train station and I'm even on the same line as the one I'm on now.

But I'm still freaking out.

Defeat

I got some pretty badass dread falls last week. They're hanging up in my room, making me feel uncomfortable and just generally being imposing. But the cool thing is that they felt imposing and scary because of how you put them on, rather than how they make you look when they're on.

So today I took the plunge and tried to make my hair ready to put them in and it was a complete disaster that made me feel like shit and made me want to just hide in my room forever. I'm trying to tell myself it's because I was missing something to keep my hair more stable, but I don't think that's true. I'm just terrible at doing stuff to my own hair. My hair used to be blue, and I loved it. But now it's green and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong when I re-dye it, nor do I have anyone to help me or to even talk to about it.

I need help with this but I don't have anyone to call, or talk to, or to visit, or anything. It's just... me. I don't even have anyone to vent to.

Tomorrow I'm going to try again, but I don't like my chances... but I guess this is just about practice. The problem is I hate being shit at things, and have a lot of trouble pushing myself to do things I'm bad at.

Maybe I'm the problem

Maybe she's distant because she's been having a hard time lately.
Maybe I'm being selfish for being angry at her for disappearing.
Maybe I'm the one not putting in enough effort.

I don't know why this has only just occurred to me.

Branch out

I feel strangely lonely.

I've taken to WoW so hard lately cos I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. No one consistent anyway. But I'm also kinda depressed because I feel like there's very little room for me Serina's life...

That's hard to admit, and also seems like it's not true at the same time. But... intention is different from execution. She seems to enjoy my company, and always says she's looking forward to seeing me at places, but the last few times I hung out with her I barely saw her.

The other night I went out to a movie with some friends, and they crashed at my place afterwards. I really enjoyed that, I felt comfortable with them in my house. I think I'll invite them over again soon. Maybe I should take this as a message from the universe it's time to branch out and actually make new friends, rather than just people I know.

I dislike feeling lonely. It makes me feel confused and overwhelmed.

Burn Out

I need... something.

Something substantial, wholesome, to do for myself.

I look at my room, at my computer, and all I can see is a wasteland of clutter and noise and bright horrible lights. I need to do something different, something new.

I need... less of what I have. I don't know. I'm tired, and I can't sleep it off.

Shell Shock

I've been feeling exceptionally vulnerable and fragile since Tuesday night.

It reminded me of that intense anxiety I used to feel. It reopened that wound, and while I haven't felt my confidence suffer from it, my mood has definitely taken it full-force. I've been binge eating almost constantly since it happened, spend a lot of time in my room because I just don't want to face anything and been very irritable.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going back to do the next show, no doubt about that, but only because I know this was a total fluke of a fuck up and never happens. But as for me and my mental state... at least I have a new adorable dog and my bed of stuffed toys to lighten my mood.