The last few weeks have been devoted to learning how to put on makeup, the theory behind it, and finally the practice. What I learned from this experience is honestly not what I expected, as I only expected to learn how to put on makeup.
In short: I hate it, and hate wearing it.
It makes me feel heavy, and gross, and not myself.
I had a good teacher, who let me use her brushes and gave me tips as I went, and took me makeup shopping for some valuable things which I definitely see myself using often. But no matter what I did to myself, no matter how subtle, or how good my friend was when she took over, I disliked what I saw looking back in the mirror.
It made me think of what an older transwoman told me: It's about being happy with who you are. It just took me doing all of this to realise I didn't need it to be happy with my appearance.
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Monday 27 June 2011
My first kink event
What a strange night.
I got ready quite anxiously, and cut my lip really badly. First time I cut myself shaving and it's on a big night. There was a lot of blood, and it took up a lot of time. Mum had given me taxi money because she doesn't like me going out on public transport late at night in girl mode, so after I got ready and calmed down I called a taxi and was on my way to meet Serina.
The taxi drove off from my house, and we almost got run off the road instantly by someone who didn't notice a police road block going the opposite way.
However, that was the end of the disasters for the night. I wore a new goth lolita outfit I got for my birthday, thigh high stockings with a garter, some nice blue frilly undies and my awesome boots. I was quite happy with my outfit, but nervous because I'd never worn anything like that in public before.
The taxi arrived in one piece, I met Serina in the city and she said I looked amazing which made me feel great. There was a freezing wind blowing, and was blowing up my skirt onto my bare thighs and making me extremely cold.
We hopped onto a tram, got lost, found our way again, made our way into the place, and got lost inside as well. It was so cool, random benches with chains and restraints, some cages, a dance floor, smoke machines, coloured lights, a fireplace, and a distinct smell of weed in the outside area.
Eventually we found Denis and Liz. (side note: I must remember to ask them if they need anything before they tell me they need something). After getting Denis and Serrina a glass of water each, we had a little play. For someone who doesn't like leaving marks, he sure leaves a lot of marks. It turns out I love being watched during sex, or play sessions, because it was really exciting doing this in full view of anyone who walked by, and a fair few did. A lot of the people I saw looked awesome, and sexy, and weird, and pretty much the type of stuff I expected to find.
I was surprised at the small crowd. From the way Denis talks about the place, it was a regular hangout for a lot of the U30's. None of them seemed to show up. I was looking forward to seeing some of them in their kinky best, but oh well, another time.
After a while Serina asked Denis if she could try what I call the gnarly hood, and be tied up. It was weeeeeeird seeing Denis work on someone else, but really cool. Then they played with her while I watched, and giggled at her screaming and growling at them.
We were only there for 4 hours, seemed like so much longer. I can't wait for the next event :D
I got ready quite anxiously, and cut my lip really badly. First time I cut myself shaving and it's on a big night. There was a lot of blood, and it took up a lot of time. Mum had given me taxi money because she doesn't like me going out on public transport late at night in girl mode, so after I got ready and calmed down I called a taxi and was on my way to meet Serina.
The taxi drove off from my house, and we almost got run off the road instantly by someone who didn't notice a police road block going the opposite way.
However, that was the end of the disasters for the night. I wore a new goth lolita outfit I got for my birthday, thigh high stockings with a garter, some nice blue frilly undies and my awesome boots. I was quite happy with my outfit, but nervous because I'd never worn anything like that in public before.
The taxi arrived in one piece, I met Serina in the city and she said I looked amazing which made me feel great. There was a freezing wind blowing, and was blowing up my skirt onto my bare thighs and making me extremely cold.
We hopped onto a tram, got lost, found our way again, made our way into the place, and got lost inside as well. It was so cool, random benches with chains and restraints, some cages, a dance floor, smoke machines, coloured lights, a fireplace, and a distinct smell of weed in the outside area.
Eventually we found Denis and Liz. (side note: I must remember to ask them if they need anything before they tell me they need something). After getting Denis and Serrina a glass of water each, we had a little play. For someone who doesn't like leaving marks, he sure leaves a lot of marks. It turns out I love being watched during sex, or play sessions, because it was really exciting doing this in full view of anyone who walked by, and a fair few did. A lot of the people I saw looked awesome, and sexy, and weird, and pretty much the type of stuff I expected to find.
I was surprised at the small crowd. From the way Denis talks about the place, it was a regular hangout for a lot of the U30's. None of them seemed to show up. I was looking forward to seeing some of them in their kinky best, but oh well, another time.
After a while Serina asked Denis if she could try what I call the gnarly hood, and be tied up. It was weeeeeeird seeing Denis work on someone else, but really cool. Then they played with her while I watched, and giggled at her screaming and growling at them.
We were only there for 4 hours, seemed like so much longer. I can't wait for the next event :D
Thursday 23 June 2011
The concept of knowing literally nothing on a subject
Ugh. I've been driving myself insane trying to figure out makeup. I'm close to just giving it up, but if by some miracle I get some kind of handle on it I might keep trying.
Here's the thing: I know fucking nothing about makeup. Nothing. I know you can get different colours, the basic concept of where eyeshadow and eyeliner goes, and I'm well acquainted with foundation because I wear that frequently to hide facial hair. That's pretty much it. It's been a frustrating experience trying to get help and advice with it all as well because everyone assumes knowledge. My friend seemed to be really surprised that I don't have "nautral colours", whatever they may be, and just have black. To me they seem pretty unjust in their reaction. I've told them many times I know nothing about it.
Everyone I've asked is like "ok well first you need to get this and this and this then do this and this and that's pretty much it". Woah woah woah, slow the fuck down. I told you I know nothing, why are you giving me a billion steps at once? This shit isn't simple, no matter how much you think it is.
The problem is it's intimidating. It's scary delving into a new world. These people who I'm asking have years of experience behind them, even if it's just doing the exact same simple eyeliner every day. But they still have years of doing that behind them, and seem to assume that other beginners are on an equal footing. Well, some aren't.
The easiest thing to compare it to is making a 5 year old skip first and second grade and move onto third. It's still basic stuff, right? Well, yes, but there's a few key things to learn in the first two grades. Things you learn there and only there that will make things in third grade make any sense. I don't mean "make it make more sense", I mean "make it make any sense".
I didn't even know what a "compact" was until 20 minutes ago. Maybe the fact I had to ask my main source is an indicator that I'm not even at grade 1, let alone 3.
Here's the thing: I know fucking nothing about makeup. Nothing. I know you can get different colours, the basic concept of where eyeshadow and eyeliner goes, and I'm well acquainted with foundation because I wear that frequently to hide facial hair. That's pretty much it. It's been a frustrating experience trying to get help and advice with it all as well because everyone assumes knowledge. My friend seemed to be really surprised that I don't have "nautral colours", whatever they may be, and just have black. To me they seem pretty unjust in their reaction. I've told them many times I know nothing about it.
Everyone I've asked is like "ok well first you need to get this and this and this then do this and this and that's pretty much it". Woah woah woah, slow the fuck down. I told you I know nothing, why are you giving me a billion steps at once? This shit isn't simple, no matter how much you think it is.
The problem is it's intimidating. It's scary delving into a new world. These people who I'm asking have years of experience behind them, even if it's just doing the exact same simple eyeliner every day. But they still have years of doing that behind them, and seem to assume that other beginners are on an equal footing. Well, some aren't.
The easiest thing to compare it to is making a 5 year old skip first and second grade and move onto third. It's still basic stuff, right? Well, yes, but there's a few key things to learn in the first two grades. Things you learn there and only there that will make things in third grade make any sense. I don't mean "make it make more sense", I mean "make it make any sense".
I didn't even know what a "compact" was until 20 minutes ago. Maybe the fact I had to ask my main source is an indicator that I'm not even at grade 1, let alone 3.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Hero worship
Looking up to someone is dangerous. It skews your view of them, makes them seem different to how they really are. Larger than life. It's really rare that I find someone I look up to so much that they become my hero, so rare that it's only happened once.
When I was in high school, I was having a lot of trouble. Not just with school, with life. I was unhappy and just barely passing my classes. When I got to year 11, I got the option of doing multimedia. I really wanted to try some of that stuff for ages, so I gave it a go. I loved it, and picked it all up instantly. I also loved the teacher, he helped me learn so much in those two years until I graduated.
At his core, he was chaotic, and always full of positive re-enforcement. He was creative, brilliantly mad, and the first teacher of mine I could call a friend. He let me stay in the multimedia room after school, and left me to my own devices when I worked. I liked it that way. He was amazed at how fast I picked up Dreamweaver and Flash, and he even wanted me to help showcase what we can do during the schools open night.
He saved me. I was in a deep depression at the time, and he pulled me out of it. I was angry, and sad, and lonely. The work was inspiring to me, and he was a hugely positive element in my whole 2 final years of high school. My grades in other classes picked up, and I got happier.
He was a bit of a shady character too. He gave me a bottle of wine when I graduated, and my first drug experience for my 18th birthday.
Tonight I found out that he was having sex with a minor. That shattered my view of him. There's no way to sugar coat this. My only hero is a paedophile. He has a wife and two kids, all 3 of which I've met a few times.
He's in jail now, I guess. He may as well be dead to me.
When I was in high school, I was having a lot of trouble. Not just with school, with life. I was unhappy and just barely passing my classes. When I got to year 11, I got the option of doing multimedia. I really wanted to try some of that stuff for ages, so I gave it a go. I loved it, and picked it all up instantly. I also loved the teacher, he helped me learn so much in those two years until I graduated.
At his core, he was chaotic, and always full of positive re-enforcement. He was creative, brilliantly mad, and the first teacher of mine I could call a friend. He let me stay in the multimedia room after school, and left me to my own devices when I worked. I liked it that way. He was amazed at how fast I picked up Dreamweaver and Flash, and he even wanted me to help showcase what we can do during the schools open night.
He saved me. I was in a deep depression at the time, and he pulled me out of it. I was angry, and sad, and lonely. The work was inspiring to me, and he was a hugely positive element in my whole 2 final years of high school. My grades in other classes picked up, and I got happier.
He was a bit of a shady character too. He gave me a bottle of wine when I graduated, and my first drug experience for my 18th birthday.
Tonight I found out that he was having sex with a minor. That shattered my view of him. There's no way to sugar coat this. My only hero is a paedophile. He has a wife and two kids, all 3 of which I've met a few times.
He's in jail now, I guess. He may as well be dead to me.
Friday 17 June 2011
First time trying on a corset
I've had so much kinky stuff here lately, time for something different.
Today Serina and I went to a nice gothic clothes store with the goal of spending some of my birthday money on a nice new outfit. I'd been in this shop before and seen a skirt I fell in love with, and went back hoping but not expecting it to still be there and in my size. Amazingly, it was still there and in my size. I immediately grab it and ask if I could try it on, and if I needed a peti with it. So, I went in and threw it all on with just my lame blue top I was wearing and it looked and felt amazing. It was so comfortable, and so light, and suited me, and fit me! The girls at the store said it looked great, but I clearly needed a top. So they rummage around for something in my size that would suit it.
Some were meh, some were great but didn't fit. Then they got this one out from the back. It was perfect. I looked at myself in the mirror for ages, thinking it was amazing. It was a big eye-opener for me. For ages, I've wanted to dress goth/lolita but thought it would never ever suit me or that I would find something in my size. Today shattered that belief and now has me wanting to throw out all of my old clothes and wear all goth all the time.
Serina's jaw hit the floor when I came out of the dressing room in this wide skirt and lolita top that fit me perfectly and matched and looked awesome. The girls at the store said I looked great too. Then something I wasn't expecting happened: I tried on a corset.
It felt amazing. Like, I can't even describe how it felt. It was tight in all the right ways, it was constricting, it was feminising. I felt attractive in it, and most of all I felt small. I felt skinny, and petite, and delicate. I wanted so bad to get it too, but I couldn't justify it.
I walked out of that store with a new outfit and a whole new outlook on how I wanted to look. I can't wait to show off what I got :D
Today Serina and I went to a nice gothic clothes store with the goal of spending some of my birthday money on a nice new outfit. I'd been in this shop before and seen a skirt I fell in love with, and went back hoping but not expecting it to still be there and in my size. Amazingly, it was still there and in my size. I immediately grab it and ask if I could try it on, and if I needed a peti with it. So, I went in and threw it all on with just my lame blue top I was wearing and it looked and felt amazing. It was so comfortable, and so light, and suited me, and fit me! The girls at the store said it looked great, but I clearly needed a top. So they rummage around for something in my size that would suit it.
Some were meh, some were great but didn't fit. Then they got this one out from the back. It was perfect. I looked at myself in the mirror for ages, thinking it was amazing. It was a big eye-opener for me. For ages, I've wanted to dress goth/lolita but thought it would never ever suit me or that I would find something in my size. Today shattered that belief and now has me wanting to throw out all of my old clothes and wear all goth all the time.
Serina's jaw hit the floor when I came out of the dressing room in this wide skirt and lolita top that fit me perfectly and matched and looked awesome. The girls at the store said I looked great too. Then something I wasn't expecting happened: I tried on a corset.
It felt amazing. Like, I can't even describe how it felt. It was tight in all the right ways, it was constricting, it was feminising. I felt attractive in it, and most of all I felt small. I felt skinny, and petite, and delicate. I wanted so bad to get it too, but I couldn't justify it.
I walked out of that store with a new outfit and a whole new outlook on how I wanted to look. I can't wait to show off what I got :D
Wall of sensation
Today was... amazing.
D, his girlfriend L, and Serina all came over to my house for some play and so Serina and myself could meet L, who is also dominant and apparently quite the sadist.
So, to reiterate: I'm sub, and I had 3 Dom/mes over for a play session. It was one of the most intense kink-related few hours of my life so far.
One of my fetishes that I've never been able to explore until now is being watched during sex, or in this case a session. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, having two pairs of eyes watch me, one of them belonging to a total stranger, the other belonging to my girlfriend. In fact, it was a day of many firsts; being flogged, vampire gloves, being watched, being double and eventually triple dommed...
It started out slow, with D using a flogger on me, showing Serina how to use one because she's never used one before. At some point she got her hands on some vampire gloves and scratched my back quite a lot. From that point on I seemingly always had at least 3 hands doing something to me.
I got a hood put on me, like usual, but since I was making too much noise I was gagged, and gagged hard. It was at this point that things started getting intense. It was a huge relief to me that D and Serina got along so well. I later found out they really gelled, and that L got in on the action more than I thought she did. At one point, I had all 3 of them going at me with vibrators, and shattered my old orgasm record taking it up to 9. It was crazy.
Telling my friend about it, I came up with a good description of the day. It was a wall of sensation. Pain. Pleasure. Adrenaline. Exhaustion. Confusion. And even panic, at the very end when a really gnarly hood turned out to be a little too much. I couldn't even think, which is really saying something. I couldn't even talk. All I could do was make sounds and take it.
When it was over, all I wanted to do was pass out and not wake up for a week. My legs still hurt, my jaw still has a bit of tension in it from the gag and I can't pee in a straight line. I wonder how I got so lucky.
D, his girlfriend L, and Serina all came over to my house for some play and so Serina and myself could meet L, who is also dominant and apparently quite the sadist.
So, to reiterate: I'm sub, and I had 3 Dom/mes over for a play session. It was one of the most intense kink-related few hours of my life so far.
One of my fetishes that I've never been able to explore until now is being watched during sex, or in this case a session. It was hard to wrap my head around at first, having two pairs of eyes watch me, one of them belonging to a total stranger, the other belonging to my girlfriend. In fact, it was a day of many firsts; being flogged, vampire gloves, being watched, being double and eventually triple dommed...
It started out slow, with D using a flogger on me, showing Serina how to use one because she's never used one before. At some point she got her hands on some vampire gloves and scratched my back quite a lot. From that point on I seemingly always had at least 3 hands doing something to me.
I got a hood put on me, like usual, but since I was making too much noise I was gagged, and gagged hard. It was at this point that things started getting intense. It was a huge relief to me that D and Serina got along so well. I later found out they really gelled, and that L got in on the action more than I thought she did. At one point, I had all 3 of them going at me with vibrators, and shattered my old orgasm record taking it up to 9. It was crazy.
Telling my friend about it, I came up with a good description of the day. It was a wall of sensation. Pain. Pleasure. Adrenaline. Exhaustion. Confusion. And even panic, at the very end when a really gnarly hood turned out to be a little too much. I couldn't even think, which is really saying something. I couldn't even talk. All I could do was make sounds and take it.
When it was over, all I wanted to do was pass out and not wake up for a week. My legs still hurt, my jaw still has a bit of tension in it from the gag and I can't pee in a straight line. I wonder how I got so lucky.
Friday 10 June 2011
Tit play
So, something really weird just happened. Something I didn't think would ever happen.
Serina and myself were watching TV when she got one of her urges to rip me to shreds and devour the corpse. She focused on my nipples. My very sensitive nipples. She bit them, pinched them, rolled them, squeezed... everything she could do with her bare hands (and teeth).
At first, it was sensual and intimate. Then it quickly escalated into painful territory... or at least where it would normally be. What I normally feel as pain was for some reason replaced by intense pleasure. It was unexpected. I'm used to moaning out in pain, close to safewording when she goes at it. But this time, I frequently found myself almost saying "more".
The pleasure only got more and more intense as she went on, skirting that fine line between pleasure and pain. For once it stayed on the side I'm more fond of.
Finally, she pushed me over the edge and I called out my safeword and she stopped immediately. I went catatonic for a minute, and felt totally weightless. Unreal.
After I regained some reality and my motor skills, I checked my pants to confirm what was a totally nonsensical thought at the time: I had just cum while she was doing this to me.
All she did was play with my nipples, and I came? Apparently. We should try this again one day.
Serina and myself were watching TV when she got one of her urges to rip me to shreds and devour the corpse. She focused on my nipples. My very sensitive nipples. She bit them, pinched them, rolled them, squeezed... everything she could do with her bare hands (and teeth).
At first, it was sensual and intimate. Then it quickly escalated into painful territory... or at least where it would normally be. What I normally feel as pain was for some reason replaced by intense pleasure. It was unexpected. I'm used to moaning out in pain, close to safewording when she goes at it. But this time, I frequently found myself almost saying "more".
The pleasure only got more and more intense as she went on, skirting that fine line between pleasure and pain. For once it stayed on the side I'm more fond of.
Finally, she pushed me over the edge and I called out my safeword and she stopped immediately. I went catatonic for a minute, and felt totally weightless. Unreal.
After I regained some reality and my motor skills, I checked my pants to confirm what was a totally nonsensical thought at the time: I had just cum while she was doing this to me.
All she did was play with my nipples, and I came? Apparently. We should try this again one day.
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Woof
Man. Puppy play is weird.
I'm not sure what gave me the idea, but I've been talking about it with my now-girlfriend Serina for a while, and we were both pretty into the idea. She wants a dog and I want to be a dog, so it works. We're pretty compatible like that.
So, after talking about it, she decided to get me a dog collar and train me how to be a dog. It was... bizarre. It was hard to get into it at first, but after a while I was kinda thinking like a dog. I remember one instance where I was tired of playing, and just laid down on the bed while Serina was doing something on her computer with my head in her lap. I don't know how long I was lying there, but I was pretty happy to just be there. Occasionally, I glanced up to see what she was doing, only to realise I didn't care at all and closed my eyes again.
She's told me a few times now that engaging me as a human, by talking, or me reading, would push me out of "dog mode" and she was right. The first time, I came out of dogmode because of a coughing fit. The second time, Serina accidentally poked me in the eye and pulled me out to make sure I was ok.
I tried eating from a dog dish. It didn't go very well, but I guess that will take time.
Fun experience overall. Want to do it again!
I'm not sure what gave me the idea, but I've been talking about it with my now-girlfriend Serina for a while, and we were both pretty into the idea. She wants a dog and I want to be a dog, so it works. We're pretty compatible like that.
So, after talking about it, she decided to get me a dog collar and train me how to be a dog. It was... bizarre. It was hard to get into it at first, but after a while I was kinda thinking like a dog. I remember one instance where I was tired of playing, and just laid down on the bed while Serina was doing something on her computer with my head in her lap. I don't know how long I was lying there, but I was pretty happy to just be there. Occasionally, I glanced up to see what she was doing, only to realise I didn't care at all and closed my eyes again.
She's told me a few times now that engaging me as a human, by talking, or me reading, would push me out of "dog mode" and she was right. The first time, I came out of dogmode because of a coughing fit. The second time, Serina accidentally poked me in the eye and pulled me out to make sure I was ok.
I tried eating from a dog dish. It didn't go very well, but I guess that will take time.
Fun experience overall. Want to do it again!
Wednesday 1 June 2011
Scratches
I like to think of myself as a masochist in training. I have the capacity to enjoy pain, but it comes and goes how much I enjoy it.
I've been playing with my ex, who is a sadist, and we're taking things slow. It's nice to be back here, and we've almost resumed where we left off, but with a few major differences: The only one I care to mention is that it's not a 24/7 D/s relationship like it was before.
I've started to come around to seeing scratches she leaves on my arm as a positive thing, and really enjoy running my fingers over the raised skin. Sometimes, I find what she does to be almost beautiful.
I think the only part I don't like is the visible locations they're in, and only because I don't want my mother asking odd questions.
I've been playing with my ex, who is a sadist, and we're taking things slow. It's nice to be back here, and we've almost resumed where we left off, but with a few major differences: The only one I care to mention is that it's not a 24/7 D/s relationship like it was before.
I've started to come around to seeing scratches she leaves on my arm as a positive thing, and really enjoy running my fingers over the raised skin. Sometimes, I find what she does to be almost beautiful.
I think the only part I don't like is the visible locations they're in, and only because I don't want my mother asking odd questions.
Outing
I'm not out to my extended family as trans or pansexual, and while some trans people would think that isn't a big deal, my extended family plays a large roll in my life. While I don't like them sometimes, they're a big part of my life.
I think I took the first steps to coming out to them, or at least some of them. I was seeing them on the weekend for my cousin's birthday, and another cousin of mine (who is 16) had a party the night before. Her mum was talking about a guy at the party who kissed other guys there, and I laughed because of the huge deal she made out of it. I can't understate how shocked she was about it, and would not drop it. After I laughed, she asked me if my friends do it and I said "Yeah I didn't think it was that rare" still giggling.
Then she said "have you?" And I said I had, then there was silence for a bit, and she asked why?
I just said cos I was drunk. But see, here's the thing, I seriously don't understand what the big deal is. Why can't a guy kiss other guys? Why can't a girl kiss another girl?
It's coming up on my birthday, and I don't think I could handle another year of cards addressed to my old name. Maybe it's time?
I think I took the first steps to coming out to them, or at least some of them. I was seeing them on the weekend for my cousin's birthday, and another cousin of mine (who is 16) had a party the night before. Her mum was talking about a guy at the party who kissed other guys there, and I laughed because of the huge deal she made out of it. I can't understate how shocked she was about it, and would not drop it. After I laughed, she asked me if my friends do it and I said "Yeah I didn't think it was that rare" still giggling.
Then she said "have you?" And I said I had, then there was silence for a bit, and she asked why?
I just said cos I was drunk. But see, here's the thing, I seriously don't understand what the big deal is. Why can't a guy kiss other guys? Why can't a girl kiss another girl?
It's coming up on my birthday, and I don't think I could handle another year of cards addressed to my old name. Maybe it's time?
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