Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Monster vacuum

Maybe I hold onto my Monsters so tight is because, in a way, they give me comfort. They give me an excuse.

"Oh, I would be attractive, only if this changed"
"Oh, I'd be able to work, if that changed"
"Oh, I'll find someone, when these are changed"

But what happens when you get rid of the Monsters, and are still faced with those same problems? You can't remove a void, you can only fill it. Sometimes, it's really easy to fill a Monster-shaped hole with another similar Monster. It comes natural, doesn't it?

What happens when you bring down a Wall, and everything spills out? You have to find it all again, right? But what if you lose parts of yourself, or mistake a piece of the Wall for a part of you?

I hold my Monsters because, maybe, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't. But if the evil you know is slowly rotting you from the inside, can another one really be worse?

Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.