I wish I didn't dye my hair.
I don't miss my old boring hair though. I love the colour that I dyed it. I just can't keep it up. I can't maintain it and I don't know why. My hair has been getting more green every time I redye it and it's driving me insane.
I need help with this... and so many other things. Ugh. Most of my life seems to be me drowning when I try something with my appearance.
Monday 24 June 2013
Monday 10 June 2013
Exit Planet Dust, part 2
I've finally managed to find a way out of this house and I'm terrified.
Living here is stressful and annoying and overstimulating... but it's all I've known. I've lived here for 23 years, and the longest time I've been away was 2 weeks. We never moved, I was a baby in the same room I still sleep in.
The prospect of moving out is... appealing but also scary. I have a large safety net here, and leaving it behind means, well, I'm on my own. I'll survive, I know that. And I guess I'm focusing on the idea of rent, where it will be a money sink. Which it is, but it's not just money that disappears. It's money that's being used to pay for where I live, my own place.
I also won't be alone: If all goes to plan, I'll be moving in with 3 other trans people, one of which I get along really well with, and the other two I like. I'll have my PC, my consoles, my games, my books, my music, my bed, my kink gear, my stuffed toys, my clothes, my art, my pills, my TV, my DVDs. I'll even get to cook for myself, and have food I enjoy, and be able to keep my own schedule without worrying I'm putting mum out by being up all night and sleeping all day.
I'll get to continue transitioning without worrying about family. I'll get to have people over. I'll get to have a relationship that isn't crippled by the presence of my mother. The rent is very cheap, so it's not like I won't be able to afford anything. I won't be cut off, quite the opposite. I'll be near a train station and I'm even on the same line as the one I'm on now.
But I'm still freaking out.
Living here is stressful and annoying and overstimulating... but it's all I've known. I've lived here for 23 years, and the longest time I've been away was 2 weeks. We never moved, I was a baby in the same room I still sleep in.
The prospect of moving out is... appealing but also scary. I have a large safety net here, and leaving it behind means, well, I'm on my own. I'll survive, I know that. And I guess I'm focusing on the idea of rent, where it will be a money sink. Which it is, but it's not just money that disappears. It's money that's being used to pay for where I live, my own place.
I also won't be alone: If all goes to plan, I'll be moving in with 3 other trans people, one of which I get along really well with, and the other two I like. I'll have my PC, my consoles, my games, my books, my music, my bed, my kink gear, my stuffed toys, my clothes, my art, my pills, my TV, my DVDs. I'll even get to cook for myself, and have food I enjoy, and be able to keep my own schedule without worrying I'm putting mum out by being up all night and sleeping all day.
I'll get to continue transitioning without worrying about family. I'll get to have people over. I'll get to have a relationship that isn't crippled by the presence of my mother. The rent is very cheap, so it's not like I won't be able to afford anything. I won't be cut off, quite the opposite. I'll be near a train station and I'm even on the same line as the one I'm on now.
But I'm still freaking out.
Wednesday 5 June 2013
Defeat
I got some pretty badass dread falls last week. They're hanging up in my room, making me feel uncomfortable and just generally being imposing. But the cool thing is that they felt imposing and scary because of how you put them on, rather than how they make you look when they're on.
So today I took the plunge and tried to make my hair ready to put them in and it was a complete disaster that made me feel like shit and made me want to just hide in my room forever. I'm trying to tell myself it's because I was missing something to keep my hair more stable, but I don't think that's true. I'm just terrible at doing stuff to my own hair. My hair used to be blue, and I loved it. But now it's green and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong when I re-dye it, nor do I have anyone to help me or to even talk to about it.
I need help with this but I don't have anyone to call, or talk to, or to visit, or anything. It's just... me. I don't even have anyone to vent to.
Tomorrow I'm going to try again, but I don't like my chances... but I guess this is just about practice. The problem is I hate being shit at things, and have a lot of trouble pushing myself to do things I'm bad at.
So today I took the plunge and tried to make my hair ready to put them in and it was a complete disaster that made me feel like shit and made me want to just hide in my room forever. I'm trying to tell myself it's because I was missing something to keep my hair more stable, but I don't think that's true. I'm just terrible at doing stuff to my own hair. My hair used to be blue, and I loved it. But now it's green and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong when I re-dye it, nor do I have anyone to help me or to even talk to about it.
I need help with this but I don't have anyone to call, or talk to, or to visit, or anything. It's just... me. I don't even have anyone to vent to.
Tomorrow I'm going to try again, but I don't like my chances... but I guess this is just about practice. The problem is I hate being shit at things, and have a lot of trouble pushing myself to do things I'm bad at.
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