Aggressive shell

Generally, I feel pretty worthless. I don't think I interest people, or appeal to them, so I don't try. Which just makes me feel worse, since then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate my Walls. It's crowded in here with all my Monsters. I feel so completely trapped in here, feeling alone and unwanted, I worry I'll never get out. It's a fucking nightmare living with someone who so effortlessly understands people and how to talk to them. It's like living with a mirror who just shows you all your inadequacies.

Not that it's their fault. This is me, and my feelings. I want to work on this, but I don't even know where to start. I can't spend the rest of my life alone. I need to engage. more, and get discouraged less.

Exit Planet Dust, part ɳ

I don't know what number I'm up to in this series, whatever.

I had my first laser and electro sessions in years today. I've officially started my hair removal process, and I'm extatic, despite being incredibly tired and sore. But this post isn't about that.

I was terrified to move out, but I did it anyway. I don't remember much about my emotions during the searching process up until signing the lease on a place, other than fear and the occasional spark of excitement. I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to do this, which pushed me through it when I wasn't completely sure, or ready.

Since then... I feel like a completely different person. Or rather, I feel like a cocoon, and will some inevitable day turn into a different person. That metaphor fell apart fast. Anyway, I feel as if I can see the horizon, and it's incredible motivation. Suddenly all the little bits feel like meaningful contributions, and things make sense.

I've gotten more confident, I can mostly take care of myself (to at least prevent my death), I'm still learning how to do money but I have help, I've had weird and amazing experiences I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home. It all begins at moving out. 2016, despite being pretty terrible globally, was pretty amazing in my own bubble. There was a lot of pain and confusion, but I see those for what they are: hard truths and learning experiences.

I'm excited to see the future. For once it seems like something worth putting effort into.

Perfect

I spend a lot of time waiting. The right moment, the right time, the right person, the right place... but it's dumb. I'm spending a lot of time thinking of later and I waste the now.

I've had a rough week. I went through another pretty bad body image episode, and I feel like I'm getting better. But it doesn't solve the problem. I don't like my body how it is, and I want to lose weight. I was successful at it for a while, and then I stopped because I hate the process and I missed the things I'd been missing out on (comfort food and energy drinks mostly). Now I realise I know how to lose weight, and I just need to keep going and start exercising again... except it's raid night so I can't, except I had junk food today so it's already a write-off, except I'm feeling shit, except whatever else.

It's not just with exercise, it's with a lot of things. Part of it is not knowing how to start some things, but mostly I'm just waiting for the universe to tell me it's time, when it should be the opposite. I want to do things, so fuck you get out of my way it's time to do it. That's how I want to be, instead of how I am now.

Relearning how to be friends

This is a weird one for me. I think since I've shut out so much of the external world over the last few years, I don't know how to have friends anymore. I'm so used to an environment where I can't have people over that it's a foreign concept to invite people over. Going out with people isn't a thing either since it was so hard for me to go anywhere.

I feel like I only have 2 friends, when recently it's become a lot more. But it's like I have social tunnel vision: I can't see the ones who are new because it's been the same way for so long. I'm absolutely terrible at multitasking my social-ife.

This is all on top of my shitty self esteem, anxiety and general fear of rejection. I feel paralysed, trapped and spiraling out all at the same time. But I'm learning, and growing, and I've met some really cool people lately.

Why latex

I've had a massive latex fetish for a while now. I don't really remember a time when it wasn't a turn on, either sexually or emotionally. Like it made sense on more than one level.

I'm sitting here with a latex hood on, and it's been on for a few hours by now. It's so nice, and despite being a size too small for my fat head, it's extremely comforting. I feel comfortable in it, and it only just hit me why.

I get overstimulated easily, and most of it feels like it's coming in through my head, which is why I'm kinda fussy about people touching my face and when I'm ok with kissing people. That, on top of the auditory stimulation, wears me down and makes it very hard for me to be out in loud environments and still be social.

The hood makes everything muted; it's like the world gets it's volume turned down. My hair doesn't bother me, there's latex over my ears so sounds have their edge taken off and there's a layer between my skin and peoples' touch. This makes me feel very internal, contained and safe. It makes me feel disconnected with the outside world, and able to approach it on my own terms.

The first time I saw a transgirl

Highschool was super confusing, and kinda numbing. I'd known I was at least bi for a few years and was a closeted crossdresser since then, out to very few. By this point I had made out with a guy, gone to a gay bar, and some sexual stuff.

I was at a pre-party with friends, getting drunk before a friend's birthday where a ton of people were going to be. I was tipsy and told my friends I liked wearing skirts, to which they said I should wear one for the night. And fishnet stockings. Sooooooooo... obviously... being the naturally timid and scared boy I was.... I did. I was rather drunk by this point, but it was incredible, freeing, terrifying and kinda liberating slash erotic

As if that wasn't pushing my adrenaline, I saw her. She went to our school right? I knew her, but she was different before. My friend said she had changed genders, and internally my heart did a backflip. That's a thing? You can do that? Could I...?

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know her and ask her what the deal was cos I want in. I didn't, I was scared. But at least I knew I wasn't alone, and was surprised that I had even felt alone with this feeling.

Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Mental break

Things have been stressful lately. Getting back into the radio is making my anxiety fluctuate, things with Centrelink are stressful, I need to see doctors because I haven't been on hormones in I don't know how long.

And now on top of all of that, it looks like I'll be moving in the near future.

I really thought about just not taking this place and waiting for things to die down. Do I really need all of that shit on top of moving and suddenly being independent and living off my own money?

But I realised that even after these things die down, there will still be something else later, or no house to move to, or just anything. I need to leave. I can't live here. I'm spending so much energy on just existing in this place, it's impossible to have any sort of life here.

Invincibility and reality

So a while ago I found out someone I'd been following on YouTube is making a video game. Sonja suggested I ask her for an interview, and I jumped on it. I felt great, and excited.

Then reality set in, and the fear followed. I've resigned myself to knowing I won't do this, even though I want to. How often to you get to talk with someone you've looked up to for years?

I'm just really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

Panel

A while ago I was on a panel at a convention in my city. It was amazing. I didn't write about it earlier because the entire thing, while amazing and fun, was completely exhausting and I haven't had the mental energy to really think about it until recently.

The panel was for queer geeks, and it was apparently the first of its kind in Australia. It was pretty amazing, and really scary, to be up on stage not only in front of what turned out to be 60 people, but I was sitting next to some rather amazing people who had done some great things. It was great to hear them talk about things, and see the crowd react well.

I didn't say much, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Towards the end though, someone asked a question about queer representation in media, and I suddenly had a lot to say. I said I'm trans, and that there's basically nothing in terms of relatable characters/stories out there, and mentioned a little flash game I'd played a while ago that was about someone's transition. Someone in the audience raised their hand for the microphone and he said that he'd played it to better understand his friend's lifestyle and I was completely blown away. I just looked at him and said that was completely amazing and this is why we need more things of that nature, and everyone on stage nodded with me and I saw people in the audience really taking on what I had just said.

It was... intense, and amazing. I was speaking in public and not making a dick of myself.

As nerve racking as it was, and even though my anxiety is completely opposing to this, I love the idea of doing this more often. I think I want to make a career within pop culture. Somehow...

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Monster vacuum

Maybe I hold onto my Monsters so tight is because, in a way, they give me comfort. They give me an excuse.

"Oh, I would be attractive, only if this changed"
"Oh, I'd be able to work, if that changed"
"Oh, I'll find someone, when these are changed"

But what happens when you get rid of the Monsters, and are still faced with those same problems? You can't remove a void, you can only fill it. Sometimes, it's really easy to fill a Monster-shaped hole with another similar Monster. It comes natural, doesn't it?

What happens when you bring down a Wall, and everything spills out? You have to find it all again, right? But what if you lose parts of yourself, or mistake a piece of the Wall for a part of you?

I hold my Monsters because, maybe, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't. But if the evil you know is slowly rotting you from the inside, can another one really be worse?

Compromise

I don't know where to start this. It's been around for a long time, and the amount it bothers me comes in waves, but it never really leaves, I don't think. I'm talking about how I interact with people.

I grew up being forced to have more social contact than I was comfortable with. More than just school, but family and seeing people outside of school. Eventually, my mum registered that I loathed being around people a lot, so she took the opposite route and let me be as antisocial as I wanted. Again, that's not good. It got it into my head that I can just blow people off, keep being alone and be happy about it.

But now... I think about all the people I could know and be friends with, and they're just strangers. This is a Wall, in the most literal sense, but it's also one of my strongest. Sometimes, I try to take a step back and look at the situation, and I think I can come close to understanding it, and thus find a solution, but it's almost like being in a labyrinth, where turning a corner only leads to another fork in the road.

But, I'm trying, and this is what I want to write about right now.

When I meet someone new, I see them as a very temporary object until they prove themselves otherwise. In other words, I put distance between me and them until they decide I'm worth the effort to close that distance. I place the burden on them to get to know me, when it should be a two way street in communication. While this does mean that anyone who does manage to bridge that gap is very valuable to me, it also means I'm turning away dozens of people in my life.

But why? Why is this my MO?

I have an extremely negative view of people. At some point in my life, I experienced something that made me think people are not worth effort. I think everyone is stupid until proven otherwise. I think they're uninteresting, ignorant, a deviant, will use me for something... I don't know. Sometimes I place the blame back on myself, but only in shallow ways that makes it sound like they're still the ones who would reject me.

So, essentially, I have a bias towards people before I even talk to them, let alone getting to know them. I usually try really hard to push past this and just accept new people into my life, but I rarely welcome anyone new as a friend. I can act friendly towards people, and hold conversations, but unless something big stands out about them, they usually just leave my mind when my eyes are off them.

Knowing all of this, and all of its implications and contradictions and many layers, can make things a bit easier. Like so many of my Monsters, though, it makes me feel like this way is right. Like I have high standards of what I want in a friend, but that's just not true.

It is not a compromise of myself to give everyone a chance to get to know me.

Defeat

I got some pretty badass dread falls last week. They're hanging up in my room, making me feel uncomfortable and just generally being imposing. But the cool thing is that they felt imposing and scary because of how you put them on, rather than how they make you look when they're on.

So today I took the plunge and tried to make my hair ready to put them in and it was a complete disaster that made me feel like shit and made me want to just hide in my room forever. I'm trying to tell myself it's because I was missing something to keep my hair more stable, but I don't think that's true. I'm just terrible at doing stuff to my own hair. My hair used to be blue, and I loved it. But now it's green and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong when I re-dye it, nor do I have anyone to help me or to even talk to about it.

I need help with this but I don't have anyone to call, or talk to, or to visit, or anything. It's just... me. I don't even have anyone to vent to.

Tomorrow I'm going to try again, but I don't like my chances... but I guess this is just about practice. The problem is I hate being shit at things, and have a lot of trouble pushing myself to do things I'm bad at.

Shell Shock

I've been feeling exceptionally vulnerable and fragile since Tuesday night.

It reminded me of that intense anxiety I used to feel. It reopened that wound, and while I haven't felt my confidence suffer from it, my mood has definitely taken it full-force. I've been binge eating almost constantly since it happened, spend a lot of time in my room because I just don't want to face anything and been very irritable.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going back to do the next show, no doubt about that, but only because I know this was a total fluke of a fuck up and never happens. But as for me and my mental state... at least I have a new adorable dog and my bed of stuffed toys to lighten my mood.

Raw burn

Last night was intense for me. I was in at the radio station, pretty relaxed like I usually am before a show because I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it's better to just be flexible while in the booth. However, 2 minutes until the show starts, we discover there's something wrong with the console.

Sonja starts freaking out, swearing, getting people to call people and running around trying to get things sorted, meanwhile the clock is ticking down. Eventually it just runs out, and we're thrown into a spotlight half-dressed.

I was getting rather nervous, mostly for Sonja's sanity, but then came time for my part in the show, and it's all a terrible blur of Um's and Uhhh's and that terrible feeling I used to get when I had to make a phone call. I suddenly felt like my face was on fire, it was hard to breathe, I had no one in this room with me when I'm used to having at least 2 people to pick up the ball if I drop it. I was flying blind. Thankfully, with my segment, I had a lot of material to pick from, so I just kept talking about what I know, hoping it was good enough and helped buy some time.

After what felt like several lifetimes, Sonja reappeared to help me out a bit, and slowly took back the show, and played an ad and a song, giving me a ton of time to go sit down outside the booth.

Sonja followed me out, and I had a small reception of people there tell me I did good, which made me feel great. After the show one of them told me I was hyperventilating during this, but I don't remember. All I remember was that I was sweating and shaking.

I went back into the booth after about 15 minutes to resume the show with Sonja, and I think the last half went really well.

When I got home, I just flopped into bed, listened to relaxing music and didn't do anything, and promised myself that tomorrow (read: today) I would take care of myself and just stay home and avoid stress. I did just that, and I'm feeling good.

This was by far my biggest anxiety attack this year. I was so stressed, and my emotions were shot. Afterwards I knew I was hungry, and that I wanted to go home, but I didn't really understand which was the priority, so I wondered back and forth between food places and my bus stop for 20 minutes before deciding food was more important, and I'd just get a taxi home if I missed the final bus (which I did)

But I'm proud of myself. I handled it, got through it, and knew what it took to make myself feel better. This would have killed me a year ago.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

No faith

I don't trust anyone to stay around me. I'm used to spending so much time alone that I almost regret inviting others into my life. I believe that everyone will abandon ship at the first opportunity, and it's happened a few times.

This is why it's hard for me to form new relationships. I'm staring down the barrel of something I want, and I almost called it off the other day because I believed it was only a matter of time that he would decide he didn't want me, and I would just make things easier if I stopped things now. I had something to tell him, and I was worried about how he'd react. I had already made the decision for him, deciding that what I had to say was too much trouble.

I was ready for the worst... and I didn't get it. Quite the opposite. I got a very good reaction. I was stunned, I was genuinely expecting him to tell me to go away. But he didn't. He wants to continue, and see where this goes. I've yet to meet him, but I think we may finally meet face to face this weekend.

He wants to see inside my head, and he makes me feel comfortable while I dig parts out for him. I call him Master, now. Had trouble believing that word would be part of my regular vocabulary.

Wanting the best, expecting the worst

As usual, I'm in the middle of something I want, but don't believe will happen.

I've wanted something like this for a long time, and unlike a lot of my previous encounters, this is pretty close to my fantasy, my ideal-world thing. I've been coming to terms with the extreme likelihood that what I wanted would never exist, and even if it did I wouldn't be anywhere near it. But now it seems tangible, plausible.

But wanting and getting are two different things. I usually have no problem initiating, but in the middle is where I fall apart most of the time. There's also so many things about myself that I believe are not only appealing, but repulsive, and leaves me in a limbo where I'm too far for one person, but not far enough for another. I've been on hormones for almost 3 years, yet I still have an insane amount of body hair? How can someone be so broken?

I feel like stagnation is my default.

Physical

For a while, I'd been talking to a boy who was interested in meeting up with me for sex. I was hesitant to say yes, for a variety of reasons, some of which are tied up in the last few entries here.

It was a fantastic stress-relief, and a boost of self-esteem and confidence. I'd been going a little crazy from the lack of intimacy and physical attention in my life, and my ability to get it. It was kinda scary though, because I haven't done anything like that for years. He was nice though, and was understanding, and experienced.

When the time came for penetration, I lost my nerve for a minute, but I went through, and I'm glad I did. It was incredible. It sounds insane for someone who blogs about kink so much, but missionary position is fucking incredible. Having him on top, moving my legs sometimes, looking down... nothing else like it.

Too bad he lives so far away. Won't see him again for a long while.