Monsters

So since I know it'll take an eternity to make any progress, I've started looking for another Dom immediately. The first thing I did was to jump on FetLife and edit my page to say.... nothing.

There are no words that are coming out as to what I want, why I want it, or anything positive about myself. I went on CollarMe cos that place is fucked up and full of perverts, so I could be brutally honest to get some practice up because it just won't matter in a place like that. That didn't work either.

I looked through a bunch of other subs' pages to see what they wrote, and I'm left totally in the dark. It's like I'm missing some sort of feature that I didn't even know existed. Serina sent off a hundred thousand word document to her potential master about why she wants to do this, and did so multiple times. I got asked why I'd be a good sub by someone a while ago, and stared at him blankly, wishing the distance from the bed to the floor was enough to kill me. It wasn't, so it was really awkward for a while, until he finally broke the silence and just kinda said "forget about it".

I just don't really see anything of worth here. I'm a mess. I'm always confused, overwhelmed, stressed, angry... I feel like there's this black cloud always above me, or a swarm of tiny little monsters following me around, cursing me. They clutter up my headspace, and I'm in dire need of some real guidance.

After trying and failing, I realised maybe I don't understand this whole BDSM thing. So I asked Serina about it, and she linked me to something that didn't really help, and then said she doesn't understand what I don't understand about it all. Shit, I know this feeling. Then she said that saying I need help in my life is actually a draw. That blew my mind. How can that be something to display publicly? And better, how can that be something that attracts people? If that were true I'd have a line of Dom's around the block. So once again, square zero.

I feel like if I were really honest I'd scare everyone away. If I said I'm a mess and need constant help, I'd be shunned. On top of this, how am I going to get noticed? And what if the only ones who are interested are there for the wrong reasons, or aren't compatible with me? What if this is all too much to deal with for someone?

The worst part of all of this is the person I want is right there, but they don't want me in the same capacity...

Rusted wheel

It has been a big week. My brain is scattered, and I have no stable ground anymore. Even things have changed with Serina, something I thought would take a lot more effort to effect. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic about these changes, but it's hard.

A lot of the stuff on her end can be seen on her blog, and I've been rather quiet about my perspective. It's mostly because I don't really understand where this is going, and how it will affect me, me and Serina, and everything around Us. I'm confused, mostly.

But once again, it feels like I'm stagnating. I talked to Serina about it last night, even though I didn't really want to because talking about it doesn't help. I'm stuck in this spot on the highway, and watching all these people around me speed past, smoothly going over these speed bumps that took me out of the race. Especially Serina.

Serina going through this process into slavery has me naturally thinking about slavery in general. On one part, I'm insanely jealous that she has someone to push her and take her and tell her what to do, and I don't. On another part, I think that having someone to push me would trivialise any accomplishments I make. That second part is slowly becoming less and less important the more time goes by, because I just want something to happen, something to push me, something that I can do with my time and my life that isn't a video game. That, combined with the fact that giving power to someone else is a huge thing for me, and really scares me...

Serina has removed herself from my motivation, which is... I don't know. On one hand, I'm angry, on the other, it lets me try to motivate myself. But I don't motivate myself, and Serina knows this, which just made me more angry. Her words were that there's a vacuum there that she hoped would fill up. I can't help but wonder how likely she thought that was going to be. This happened right around the time of The Appointment as well, which may explain why that went so well. Feels a little bit like I was being taught how to walk, and then was entered into a marathon without my knowledge.

But at the same time, I'm trying not to be angry, because she has no obligation to be my motivation. Nor do I have any right to ask that of her or be angry at her when I don't get it. It doesn't stop the wanting though.

There's a hole in the eath

Today has been eventful. I'm in no mood to elaborate on anything, so here's the basics:

Cleared up a lot of fears with Serina.
Met her potential-Master who is very nice.
May have lost a very good friend.
Serina is no longer my Mistress, but we're still together.

I'd like to add that I'm also looking for a new Dom, but I don't think that's going to happen for a while.

Back in the cage

I've not worn my chastity device for a long time now, it's bulky and so it's pretty impractical for my lifestyle (ie trying to pass as female which means a bulge there is a huge step backwards). But I'm ok with it, for now. I've mostly been wearing skirts lately, which hide it better than the tight pants I usually wear.

The thing that's surprising is that Serina seems to be remembering it, and enforcing it to be on as much as possible, which is awesome. It's pretty much exactly what I want. I'd like to think it's because a few weeks ago I said I was missing it, but part of me wonders how much that's the case; She's been talking to a Dom for a little while about slavery, so kink is on her mind a lot more than it used to be. I think that is mostly the reason I'm in the cage so much now.

I'm glad this is happening for her though. She's been craving this more and more.

I had contemplated looking for a second Dom to help with some of my cravings, but I'm not sure how that would work out. I dunno. These cravings just keep getting more intense, and they're ones that Serina can't fulfil for one reason or another. Maybe it's worth trying, at least.

Pride

I had a meeting with my transgroup tonight, most of the committee was there and we had a very good talk about how the group is going, and what we want to do. The first time we had a meeting like this we had arguments and misunderstandings. This time we had one minor issue that got solved almost instantly, and the rest was listening and learning and talking like civil human adults, which is a hard thing to acomplish among a group of young trans people from extremely different backgrounds who are going through an extremely hard time in their lives.

This is what I'm proud of. We're moving forward, we're progressing, we're putting ourselves aside and thinking that's best for the group. I feel really lucky to be a part of this.

Square one. Or maybe zero

I haven't been updating this place mostly because the only updates in my life consist of becoming a rather acomplished warlock in World of Warcraft and nothing else. It's not that WoW has sucked my life away, I've just found something to do in the large amounts of down-time I have.

Anyway, yesterday Serina dragged me to Centrelink so we could start the process again, and so I could get some money again. Apparently it went well, but I see "we can't do anything" as a negative thing. Serina later said that her sights had been set a bit lower than mine and so to her it was a victory, because after they said they can't do anything they said that I can do a lot of things to fix this, all of which trigger my anxiety. I'm tempted to pretend we didn't go, and just keep cruising along until I get desperate.

We both hate Centrelink. I've only been in twice by myself, and it was a terrifying experience. Going back today reminded me why I really admire Serina: she can push through her fear. She would probably say that I do as well, but I just tag along for the ride most of the time. She's getting big parts of her life sorted out, and getting better, and I'm just watching.

I'll finish on something positive to prove my life isn't a total mess: I'm co-running my transgroups intro night, for new people. It's really nice, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I'm doing it because our group can be a little hectic sometimes, and I've had experience being the new person, knowing no one, and being ignored. It sucks, and is counter-productive.