Today, Serina and myself were out in the city, and bumped into someone we knew.
It was the person who gave me hormones, a year and a half ago. (Serina contacted this person who had a stockpile at the time, semantics). I just wish I was in girl mode at the time, to show her my progress.
She asked how the hormones were treating me, I said good, and then she rubbed my face and said "what's that?" with a smirk; I hadn't shaved in 3 days. I just said "Eh, it doesn't bother me much anymore" and she smiled and said "Good". Serina then said that I was some sort of genderqueer person, which I guess is true.
It was nice seeing her again. When I realised who she was I hugged her. I think I've spent enough time away from the older community, time to go back and see some old faces.
Wednesday 31 August 2011
Attention seeking, pt2
I found a really cool blog called Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks.
It's pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. It's full of adorable transgirls at various stages of transition. I was rather inspired by this blog, and immediately wanted to be a part of it. So I submitted a picture.
After I had sent it in, I thought about the last time I shared my pictures online, and immedately became worried I had done it again!
But then I thought about it more, and realised it was different. Those other times, I got jealous of other girls getting attention, and wanted some for myself. This time, I just wanted to have my picture in this project.
Why, though?
I guess, in the picture I sent in, I'm happy with my looks, and don't care what others think.
It's pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. It's full of adorable transgirls at various stages of transition. I was rather inspired by this blog, and immediately wanted to be a part of it. So I submitted a picture.
After I had sent it in, I thought about the last time I shared my pictures online, and immedately became worried I had done it again!
But then I thought about it more, and realised it was different. Those other times, I got jealous of other girls getting attention, and wanted some for myself. This time, I just wanted to have my picture in this project.
Why, though?
I guess, in the picture I sent in, I'm happy with my looks, and don't care what others think.
Saturday 27 August 2011
Goodnight, cunt
The other day we got almost $200 worth of new kink gear. Turns out $200 doesn't go terribly far, but we got the vitals: 4 cuffs and LOTS of chain (and nipple clamps just to remove the human element). Unfortunately neither of us has been to the other's house since we got them, so they've been sitting in the corner for a few days.
Last night, out of the blue, Serina sent a long set of instructions on going to sleep. I was to cuff myself, restrain myself, and then tie my leash to the bed. I was excited, if a little nervous. I did have work the next day, and since it wipes me out I really needed a good sleep. But, I wanted to do it, and I could always take it off if it was a serious problem.
So, I got my bed ready for easy entry because I would not have much movement in the near future, turned the webcam on and followed her instructions. It was weird, but felt good. When I was finally ready to go to bed, and tied the leash on, I felt this amazing happiness wash over me. I was in my collar, in my cuffs, chained up, attached to the bed and about to go to sleep, being watched by Her.
I felt so safe, and secure, and happy, and comfortable. Sleep was not going to be a problem. It took a minute to get comfortable, and there were a few pinches of the cold chain, but they warmed up on my body quickly. Hugging my plush dead elephant Jane, I felt truly submissive. And almost like She was there holding onto me.
I don't know why. Just last night before I got ready, we were talking about her owning me, and we're both satisfied that being her slave would bring neither of us more happiness. But when this happens, I feel like I belong to her.
Every now and then when I'm sleeping with her, and she has her hand around my collar holding me in place, I snuggle into her harder and let out a hug sigh of contentment. That was the same feeling I had last night, just without Serina, and with a dead elephant.
Last night, out of the blue, Serina sent a long set of instructions on going to sleep. I was to cuff myself, restrain myself, and then tie my leash to the bed. I was excited, if a little nervous. I did have work the next day, and since it wipes me out I really needed a good sleep. But, I wanted to do it, and I could always take it off if it was a serious problem.
So, I got my bed ready for easy entry because I would not have much movement in the near future, turned the webcam on and followed her instructions. It was weird, but felt good. When I was finally ready to go to bed, and tied the leash on, I felt this amazing happiness wash over me. I was in my collar, in my cuffs, chained up, attached to the bed and about to go to sleep, being watched by Her.
I felt so safe, and secure, and happy, and comfortable. Sleep was not going to be a problem. It took a minute to get comfortable, and there were a few pinches of the cold chain, but they warmed up on my body quickly. Hugging my plush dead elephant Jane, I felt truly submissive. And almost like She was there holding onto me.
I don't know why. Just last night before I got ready, we were talking about her owning me, and we're both satisfied that being her slave would bring neither of us more happiness. But when this happens, I feel like I belong to her.
Every now and then when I'm sleeping with her, and she has her hand around my collar holding me in place, I snuggle into her harder and let out a hug sigh of contentment. That was the same feeling I had last night, just without Serina, and with a dead elephant.
Friday 26 August 2011
Bottom heavy
Man. I got the coolest boots ever.
I'm not joking. They're sex that you can wear on your feet. What I love about them is the massive platforms, and just how confusingly unisex they are. Seriously, they look male by themselves but rock with a skirt OR jeans.
They're quite goth, and that's something I've wanted to try for ages now. Never had the balls til recently.
What makes them attractive is how bottom heavy they make me look, and how it looks on others. They have a real weight behind them as well, so you have to walk with purpose. They make me feel powerful. Confident. But also unquestionably feminine and somehow delicate.
I broke them in yesterday, and also went out in my lolita outfit. I felt so comfortable and confident, but also... pretty. Which is a big deal for me.
Serina and myself went to go get some kink toys, then we went into the city where I got to be seen by loooottttssss of people. I didn't feel weird at all. I just felt happy that I was standing out, and no one gave me one of those is that a guy or a girl? looks, just looks of what is she wearing???
Ahhhh. I definitely need more lolita clothes.
I'm not joking. They're sex that you can wear on your feet. What I love about them is the massive platforms, and just how confusingly unisex they are. Seriously, they look male by themselves but rock with a skirt OR jeans.
They're quite goth, and that's something I've wanted to try for ages now. Never had the balls til recently.
What makes them attractive is how bottom heavy they make me look, and how it looks on others. They have a real weight behind them as well, so you have to walk with purpose. They make me feel powerful. Confident. But also unquestionably feminine and somehow delicate.
I broke them in yesterday, and also went out in my lolita outfit. I felt so comfortable and confident, but also... pretty. Which is a big deal for me.
Serina and myself went to go get some kink toys, then we went into the city where I got to be seen by loooottttssss of people. I didn't feel weird at all. I just felt happy that I was standing out, and no one gave me one of those is that a guy or a girl? looks, just looks of what is she wearing???
Ahhhh. I definitely need more lolita clothes.
Tuesday 23 August 2011
Exit Planet Dust
So... after several uncomfortable talks with my mother, it's pretty much agreed on that if I want to progress any further (with transition, social life, and just life in general) it can't be in her house.
She isn't kicking me out. We just had a talk, and I've kinda... reached the capacity living here can offer. I get money now, so living away from home isn't impossible anymore, financially. I want to transition more, but living here I'm under the constant threat of family, who don't know about me yet.
However, leaving home... that fills me with all sorts of fears and paranoia. My mother was very overprotective of me when I was growing up, and I was always super shy. This meant she wrapped me in cotton wool, and let me do nothing, like talk on the phone or order my own food at restaurants. I have a lot of anxieties about doing things for myself. A lot of them shouldn't be fears at my age, but they are.
I guess... just try to focus on what moving out will bring?
She isn't kicking me out. We just had a talk, and I've kinda... reached the capacity living here can offer. I get money now, so living away from home isn't impossible anymore, financially. I want to transition more, but living here I'm under the constant threat of family, who don't know about me yet.
However, leaving home... that fills me with all sorts of fears and paranoia. My mother was very overprotective of me when I was growing up, and I was always super shy. This meant she wrapped me in cotton wool, and let me do nothing, like talk on the phone or order my own food at restaurants. I have a lot of anxieties about doing things for myself. A lot of them shouldn't be fears at my age, but they are.
I guess... just try to focus on what moving out will bring?
Whipping post
Today was quite fun. It was the first day in a looooong time that Serina has been really sadistic towards me. And I took it all, and rather enjoyed most of it.
We have a regular thing now, she basically plays with my nipples until I come. That takes a while, it hurts but feels oh so good at the same time, and she gets a small regular outlet for her sadistic urges. Today was much much more than that.
She got to my house while I was still asleep, and put my collar on me while I was still lying down and fairly groggy. I think that contributes to me feeling comfortable in the collar, and craving it sometimes. Then she climbed in with me and we snuggled while I woke up properly. We got up, I made some lunch for us, and kneeled next to her and ate. That is a big big big deal for me, my knees are horrible. I had a bad accident in high school that left both of my knees in very bad shape, but a few pillows on the ground and it seemed to work for a while.
After lunch, I went and got changed. Last week, I got some blue tights that were just barely too small, so I cut them and made thigh highs and wore them with a suspender and miniskirt. No shirt. And spent the rest of the day in this outfit, exposed and ready for fun. Serina seemed very happy with what I was wearing, she said she liked having access to my cock. Then we went into my room for a play.
After a very long session of me screaming my lungs out while she abused my nipples, we calmed down for a bit. Then we went out, and she sat me on a chair in the loungeroom and made me keep eye contact while she did horrible things to me again. It was.... intense, and hard, but I did it. And loved it. It was more than nipples this time. She hit me, scratched me, pinched, slapped, groped and even threw in some degradation. Then she lead me into the bedroom and we lied down for a very long time, while I tried to calm down a bit. At some point, my dog started barking to be let outside. I started to get up and was pushed back down, with Serina saying quietly "No, you've done enough for today"
I melted. I snuggled up to her a lot when she got back.
I think I'm really enjoying fitting back into the submissive role...
We have a regular thing now, she basically plays with my nipples until I come. That takes a while, it hurts but feels oh so good at the same time, and she gets a small regular outlet for her sadistic urges. Today was much much more than that.
She got to my house while I was still asleep, and put my collar on me while I was still lying down and fairly groggy. I think that contributes to me feeling comfortable in the collar, and craving it sometimes. Then she climbed in with me and we snuggled while I woke up properly. We got up, I made some lunch for us, and kneeled next to her and ate. That is a big big big deal for me, my knees are horrible. I had a bad accident in high school that left both of my knees in very bad shape, but a few pillows on the ground and it seemed to work for a while.
After lunch, I went and got changed. Last week, I got some blue tights that were just barely too small, so I cut them and made thigh highs and wore them with a suspender and miniskirt. No shirt. And spent the rest of the day in this outfit, exposed and ready for fun. Serina seemed very happy with what I was wearing, she said she liked having access to my cock. Then we went into my room for a play.
After a very long session of me screaming my lungs out while she abused my nipples, we calmed down for a bit. Then we went out, and she sat me on a chair in the loungeroom and made me keep eye contact while she did horrible things to me again. It was.... intense, and hard, but I did it. And loved it. It was more than nipples this time. She hit me, scratched me, pinched, slapped, groped and even threw in some degradation. Then she lead me into the bedroom and we lied down for a very long time, while I tried to calm down a bit. At some point, my dog started barking to be let outside. I started to get up and was pushed back down, with Serina saying quietly "No, you've done enough for today"
I melted. I snuggled up to her a lot when she got back.
I think I'm really enjoying fitting back into the submissive role...
Saturday 20 August 2011
Television
It's quite an experience when someone who doesn't have cable TV enters a house that does have it.
Tonight my friend and his girlfriend came over for a while, neither of which has cable TV. I gave her free reign of the remote cos I don't care what's on TV anymore. A year ago I was hardcore into Discovery, but now I just hear about shows like Dexter and Breaking Bad, wait a year and then bulk download the whole series and shotgun it in a day. Tonight my friend's girlfriend cruised through the channels until she hit Lifestyle You. I didn't know we had that channel.
What was on was the weirdest show I've ever seen: Four Weddings.
It's a show about 4 brides who go to each others weddings and rate them out of 10, and the winner gets a free honeymoon. Can I just say, I get pissy with someone who doesn't like the same movies as me. These girls are merciless, and shallow, and just horrible.
One of the girls has a traditional Jewish wedding, with the little caps, in a cinagog, Jewish vows, and the groom doesn't get a ring. The 3 spectating girls went mental over everything, saying it was horrible and boring.
Did the purpose of weddings change in the last few years? Is it not a day to celebrate your love and devotion to another person where the woman gets to make all the decisions and to repay the husband for putting up with her during that time, he gets to fuck her in the butt?
While I don't really care for marriage, I understand that it's a huge deal for some people. I don't understand how a show like this exists? At the very least, I say kudos to these 4 women for letting 3 other people judge their wedding on their own terms. If you walk away from that without tears, you have thicker skin than I do.
Tonight my friend and his girlfriend came over for a while, neither of which has cable TV. I gave her free reign of the remote cos I don't care what's on TV anymore. A year ago I was hardcore into Discovery, but now I just hear about shows like Dexter and Breaking Bad, wait a year and then bulk download the whole series and shotgun it in a day. Tonight my friend's girlfriend cruised through the channels until she hit Lifestyle You. I didn't know we had that channel.
What was on was the weirdest show I've ever seen: Four Weddings.
It's a show about 4 brides who go to each others weddings and rate them out of 10, and the winner gets a free honeymoon. Can I just say, I get pissy with someone who doesn't like the same movies as me. These girls are merciless, and shallow, and just horrible.
One of the girls has a traditional Jewish wedding, with the little caps, in a cinagog, Jewish vows, and the groom doesn't get a ring. The 3 spectating girls went mental over everything, saying it was horrible and boring.
Did the purpose of weddings change in the last few years? Is it not a day to celebrate your love and devotion to another person where the woman gets to make all the decisions and to repay the husband for putting up with her during that time, he gets to fuck her in the butt?
While I don't really care for marriage, I understand that it's a huge deal for some people. I don't understand how a show like this exists? At the very least, I say kudos to these 4 women for letting 3 other people judge their wedding on their own terms. If you walk away from that without tears, you have thicker skin than I do.
Thursday 18 August 2011
The comfort in a collar
For the last few months it's been a regular thing for me to spend monday and tuesday nights at Serina's house. As our relationship has progressed and become more stable, I've taken to wearing a collar when I'm around her. I love it. It makes me feel safe and happy for some reason.
This last week I didn't go to her house, and until today I haven't seen her for about a week. Yesterday I was really missing the collar, so I got out an old one of mine and wore it around the house. It made me feel safe and happy again, but not as much as when I'm around Serina, so I took it off after a short while.
I told Serina that, and she melted on the spot. I don't know why, I guess I'm just unfathomably adorable.
She's coming over early tomorow because she'll be in the area. She left my collar here, and said I'm allowed to put it on myself before bed so I can sleep in it. I'm actually really really excited about that, even if it won't be with her.
This last week I didn't go to her house, and until today I haven't seen her for about a week. Yesterday I was really missing the collar, so I got out an old one of mine and wore it around the house. It made me feel safe and happy again, but not as much as when I'm around Serina, so I took it off after a short while.
I told Serina that, and she melted on the spot. I don't know why, I guess I'm just unfathomably adorable.
She's coming over early tomorow because she'll be in the area. She left my collar here, and said I'm allowed to put it on myself before bed so I can sleep in it. I'm actually really really excited about that, even if it won't be with her.
Friday 12 August 2011
Songs that fill me with energy
Ahhhh music. My first love.
Every now and then there comes those songs that fill me with amazing positive energy and leave me feeling charged long after they're finished. This is a list of them. This will be updated frequently and songs will be put in no significant order, just when I remember them.
Strange Times, by The Black Keys
Reptilia, by The Strokes
Smash, by The Offspring
Wreath of Barbs, by wumpscut
Bounce, by The Cab
Mountain song, by Jane's Addiction
I Feel You, by Placebo (covering Depeche Mode)
Pure Morning, by Placebo
Ich Will, by Rammstein
Every now and then there comes those songs that fill me with amazing positive energy and leave me feeling charged long after they're finished. This is a list of them. This will be updated frequently and songs will be put in no significant order, just when I remember them.
Strange Times, by The Black Keys
Reptilia, by The Strokes
Smash, by The Offspring
Wreath of Barbs, by wumpscut
Bounce, by The Cab
Mountain song, by Jane's Addiction
I Feel You, by Placebo (covering Depeche Mode)
Pure Morning, by Placebo
Ich Will, by Rammstein
Odd cravings
A while ago I got my favourite skirt ever and a very nice top to go with it. They're very lolita and are the only two lolita clothes I have. I love them sooooo much and I want more lolita clothes.
I've only worn them out twice: the first time it did not get a good reception. The second time was to the movies with friends, and then straight home.
Every day I seem to take a lucky glance at them, and sigh heavily. I want to wear them out one day. On a nice day, with the sun out, where I'll be seen. It doesn't seem like such a big ask but the only day in the last 2 months that have fitted the bill I was too depressed to leave my room, let alone get dressed up and hit the town.
The day is coming. Soon...
I've only worn them out twice: the first time it did not get a good reception. The second time was to the movies with friends, and then straight home.
Every day I seem to take a lucky glance at them, and sigh heavily. I want to wear them out one day. On a nice day, with the sun out, where I'll be seen. It doesn't seem like such a big ask but the only day in the last 2 months that have fitted the bill I was too depressed to leave my room, let alone get dressed up and hit the town.
The day is coming. Soon...
Monday 8 August 2011
Slowing to a hault
I haven't written anything here for ages, except that depressing thing I wrote yesterday.
Nothing has been happening though. No revelations, no self discovery, no gender issues... I kinda think it's a good thing, in a way. No news is good news, right?
I think why I haven't been writing here is because nothing has been solid lately. I think one thing and then change my mind instantly. I get happy about finally getting some money in, and then get sad for the same reason. I try to work on my voice and it doesn't work. That's a lie, I haven't tried to change my voice in about 5 months. It's too defeating. I think at around this time of night, "tomorrow I will wake up, psych myself up and then work on my voice" but it never happens. I can't even place why it's so defeating, but I hear a lot of people struggle with this.
I feel like I'm just meandering around right now.
Nothing has been happening though. No revelations, no self discovery, no gender issues... I kinda think it's a good thing, in a way. No news is good news, right?
I think why I haven't been writing here is because nothing has been solid lately. I think one thing and then change my mind instantly. I get happy about finally getting some money in, and then get sad for the same reason. I try to work on my voice and it doesn't work. That's a lie, I haven't tried to change my voice in about 5 months. It's too defeating. I think at around this time of night, "tomorrow I will wake up, psych myself up and then work on my voice" but it never happens. I can't even place why it's so defeating, but I hear a lot of people struggle with this.
I feel like I'm just meandering around right now.
Saturday 6 August 2011
My little dark cave
I'm not very happy today. I woke up after about 11 hours sleep, and stayed in bed for another 2 hours before getting up for a short while. Then I lost my temper with something and just went back to bed, which is where I'm writing this.
I had an argument with Serina. Or more like she threw words at me for an hour while I took it. Either way, it really threw me, because it came out of nowhere. It put me back into a place I haven't been for a very long time...
I get depressed occasionally. Not as often or as intense as I used to, but it happens. I used to spiral out for days at a time with no desire to do anything except sleep. I'm glad it hasn't happened again for so long, there is no part of that I missed. But it's how I feel now. I'm in bed, mum's out of the house which I would usually take advantage of with loud music and naked dancing, but I'm just in bed playing Rock Band and pretending I'm not starving and really need to pee because I don't want to leave my room.
I'm mostly confused. I don't really know what happened yesterday. When I said that she just threw words at me for an hour, I mean it. I tried to say things but she wasn't receptive. I still don't know why I didn't just leave. I even asked her what she wants me to do to change what was wrong, and she said "nothing". Well that's helpful. So I just spent the rest of the night with her pretending I was ok.
Part of me is scared that I let people have this effect on me. I thought I wasn't this far away from what I was earlier this year, but here I am, hiding away in my dark cave because of what she said and what she thinks. Before, I was too closed off. Now, I'm too exposed. I don't know where the middle ground is.
I think backing off for a while would be good, but to what end? Isn't this the point of being with someone? To open yourself up to someone?
I had an argument with Serina. Or more like she threw words at me for an hour while I took it. Either way, it really threw me, because it came out of nowhere. It put me back into a place I haven't been for a very long time...
I get depressed occasionally. Not as often or as intense as I used to, but it happens. I used to spiral out for days at a time with no desire to do anything except sleep. I'm glad it hasn't happened again for so long, there is no part of that I missed. But it's how I feel now. I'm in bed, mum's out of the house which I would usually take advantage of with loud music and naked dancing, but I'm just in bed playing Rock Band and pretending I'm not starving and really need to pee because I don't want to leave my room.
I'm mostly confused. I don't really know what happened yesterday. When I said that she just threw words at me for an hour, I mean it. I tried to say things but she wasn't receptive. I still don't know why I didn't just leave. I even asked her what she wants me to do to change what was wrong, and she said "nothing". Well that's helpful. So I just spent the rest of the night with her pretending I was ok.
Part of me is scared that I let people have this effect on me. I thought I wasn't this far away from what I was earlier this year, but here I am, hiding away in my dark cave because of what she said and what she thinks. Before, I was too closed off. Now, I'm too exposed. I don't know where the middle ground is.
I think backing off for a while would be good, but to what end? Isn't this the point of being with someone? To open yourself up to someone?
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