My friend told me she's seeing a guy who is "into whips and chains" but it's not her thing. She just does it sometimes for him. But it doesn't do it for her.
I hear kinky people say they don't do vanilla sex, and I've heard stories of really kinky people breaking up with amazing partners just because they're vanilla. Because it doesn't do it for them.
This has been on my mind a lot lately, the concept of vanilla versus kink. I've had a lot of vanilla sex, and a lot of kinky sex (or at least sexual acts with other people), but I haven't really thought about the difference and how they effect me. Nor have I really known why I prefer the kink, to take the submissive role in the bedroom.
There's also a word I keep coming across in relation to kink: Lifestyle. I used to think that people threw this word around a bit when it didn't fit. I used to see the "lifestyle" as being a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship in all aspects of life, but I've come to see it's not. It really is a lifestyle for pretty much all involved, including me. I don't think I could be with anyone who didn't like tying me up and calling a fucking whore, just like I couldn't be with someone who didn't see me as female.
Tuesday 31 May 2011
Monday 23 May 2011
Apparently I'm an It
On the way home last night, I passed by some drunk people.
They tried to get my attention, but I kept walking. They yelled at me to turn around, I kept walking. They swore at me, and I still kept walking (even though I wanted to run, but I knew that would make them chase me). One of them asked "Is that a guy or a girl?"
"I dunno... it's like.. a she-he.. it's an It"
They kept talking, but I was too far away by now to really hear any more. Man, people are dickheads. I split up from my friends right before this, maybe going everywhere alone is not a good idea anymore. I've been yelled at before, but this was the first time I actually felt threatened.
They tried to get my attention, but I kept walking. They yelled at me to turn around, I kept walking. They swore at me, and I still kept walking (even though I wanted to run, but I knew that would make them chase me). One of them asked "Is that a guy or a girl?"
"I dunno... it's like.. a she-he.. it's an It"
They kept talking, but I was too far away by now to really hear any more. Man, people are dickheads. I split up from my friends right before this, maybe going everywhere alone is not a good idea anymore. I've been yelled at before, but this was the first time I actually felt threatened.
Saturday 21 May 2011
Searching for an angel
I've made a new friend. And by writing what I'm about to write, it's guaranteed I will never show her my blog.
She's... troubled. To put it lightly. I feel sad for her. This is potentially dangerous for me, I usually end up trying to save people like this. What's worse is that she seems to be reaching out to me. She opened up her soul to me when we met this week, and I listened, and hugged her.
I said she's reaching out to me. This isn't the first time that's happened. She's just the latest in a long line of people who chose me and me alone to open up to, to admit their addiction, their vices, their fetishes that would turn away anyone else, their mental state, their issues... whatever is negatively impacing these people on a deep level, they decide to share with me.
Why do people pick me, though? Am I really that understanding? I've known this person for a little over a week, yet she pours out her heart and soul to me on a whim. Once again, this is a regular thing for me, not only do people tell me their deepest darkest secrets, it's usually one of the first things they tell me.
It's a mystery to me. Maybe it's about some kind of unspoken I'll show you mine if you show me yours deal where we trade devastating secrets back and forth.Well I've made it clear no one is getting down that far into my head (again).
No doubt about it though, it's an effective way to really get to know someone. She'll be disappointed if she thinks anything will come of this though. I can't help her beyond being a shoulder to cry on occasionally.
She's... troubled. To put it lightly. I feel sad for her. This is potentially dangerous for me, I usually end up trying to save people like this. What's worse is that she seems to be reaching out to me. She opened up her soul to me when we met this week, and I listened, and hugged her.
I said she's reaching out to me. This isn't the first time that's happened. She's just the latest in a long line of people who chose me and me alone to open up to, to admit their addiction, their vices, their fetishes that would turn away anyone else, their mental state, their issues... whatever is negatively impacing these people on a deep level, they decide to share with me.
Why do people pick me, though? Am I really that understanding? I've known this person for a little over a week, yet she pours out her heart and soul to me on a whim. Once again, this is a regular thing for me, not only do people tell me their deepest darkest secrets, it's usually one of the first things they tell me.
It's a mystery to me. Maybe it's about some kind of unspoken I'll show you mine if you show me yours deal where we trade devastating secrets back and forth.Well I've made it clear no one is getting down that far into my head (again).
No doubt about it though, it's an effective way to really get to know someone. She'll be disappointed if she thinks anything will come of this though. I can't help her beyond being a shoulder to cry on occasionally.
Friday 20 May 2011
Argh it's so blue!
Wednesday, I had someone over. I'm currently being considered by them to be their sub.
Since I don't like using names in my blog, I will just call them D from now on.
Even though I have been someone's sub before, it was under very different circumstance to how D operates. There is very little to compare, which is a bit strange to me. I didn't realise how different people's styles were in this regard, not that I thought it was all the same. I think part of it is (big surprise) a change in genders. Not my gender; theirs. D is the first man I've been with in a while, and the first male dom.
Not only that, I haven't submitted to anyone in a long time. It's easy to forget stuff when you have no need to know it. So, D said I should look it up, learn what I can. That's what I'm doing now. He also gave me some things to think about, which I'm pouring myself into.
Not really up to sharing the details of what happened when he was over, mostly because almost all of it is a blur I barely remember, but at the end I learned a valuable lesson. I was in a hood for probably an hour and a half, and of course the point of that is to not be able to see anything, among other things. Now, in my room I have strung up fairly lights. Blue ones, just to fit my colour scheme. They're not that bright, but when you've been in total darkness for a few hours, you might as well be staring at the sun when it comes off. It felt like the light pierced my brain and burnt through the back of my skull when the hood finally came off.
The lesson: No more blue fairy lights during a session.
Since I don't like using names in my blog, I will just call them D from now on.
Even though I have been someone's sub before, it was under very different circumstance to how D operates. There is very little to compare, which is a bit strange to me. I didn't realise how different people's styles were in this regard, not that I thought it was all the same. I think part of it is (big surprise) a change in genders. Not my gender; theirs. D is the first man I've been with in a while, and the first male dom.
Not only that, I haven't submitted to anyone in a long time. It's easy to forget stuff when you have no need to know it. So, D said I should look it up, learn what I can. That's what I'm doing now. He also gave me some things to think about, which I'm pouring myself into.
Not really up to sharing the details of what happened when he was over, mostly because almost all of it is a blur I barely remember, but at the end I learned a valuable lesson. I was in a hood for probably an hour and a half, and of course the point of that is to not be able to see anything, among other things. Now, in my room I have strung up fairly lights. Blue ones, just to fit my colour scheme. They're not that bright, but when you've been in total darkness for a few hours, you might as well be staring at the sun when it comes off. It felt like the light pierced my brain and burnt through the back of my skull when the hood finally came off.
The lesson: No more blue fairy lights during a session.
Thursday 19 May 2011
Undies!
Man, what took me so long to get girls underwear?
I was out today with a new friend, who is trans and full-time female. We were joined by a ftm friend as well. We were sitting in my favourite park, and at one point the topic of underwear came up, and I said to them that I needed some girls undies, and they said "Sweet! Let's go!"
So we went to some places to get a bunch of different types, some fancy and skimpy, some just plain for everyday wear. Tried some on in a bathroom and showed them. So comfortable, I dunno what I was waiting for!
I was out today with a new friend, who is trans and full-time female. We were joined by a ftm friend as well. We were sitting in my favourite park, and at one point the topic of underwear came up, and I said to them that I needed some girls undies, and they said "Sweet! Let's go!"
So we went to some places to get a bunch of different types, some fancy and skimpy, some just plain for everyday wear. Tried some on in a bathroom and showed them. So comfortable, I dunno what I was waiting for!
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Second chance?
I'm pretty forgiving. I have a really long history with someone, even though I only knew her for half a year. We went through a lot.
They have contacted me again...
I'm not sure how to feel, or what to do. Should I tell them to fuck off? Should I talk it over with them? Should I reply at all?
What my mind keeps going back to is that it was the loss of a close friend, not a lover/Mistress. I do not want them back in that capacity, but we got along so well. It seems like such a shame to lose someone like that. She was one of the few people I could tell literally anything to. I don't expect it to go back to how it was, if I say I want to be friends again.
She contacted me to say sorry, and to explain what happened. She did not say that she wanted to see me again, but she said she won't even try to ask me something like that because she thinks I hate her guts. How strange, I thought she hated me all this time.
Do I want to be her friend again? Can I forgive her? After all the pain, and insecurity, and insanity, and lies I had to put up with?
The fact I don't know is very worrying...
They have contacted me again...
I'm not sure how to feel, or what to do. Should I tell them to fuck off? Should I talk it over with them? Should I reply at all?
What my mind keeps going back to is that it was the loss of a close friend, not a lover/Mistress. I do not want them back in that capacity, but we got along so well. It seems like such a shame to lose someone like that. She was one of the few people I could tell literally anything to. I don't expect it to go back to how it was, if I say I want to be friends again.
She contacted me to say sorry, and to explain what happened. She did not say that she wanted to see me again, but she said she won't even try to ask me something like that because she thinks I hate her guts. How strange, I thought she hated me all this time.
Do I want to be her friend again? Can I forgive her? After all the pain, and insecurity, and insanity, and lies I had to put up with?
The fact I don't know is very worrying...
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Acceptable targets
Hanging out with someone who always speaks their mind is a strange experience for me.
We were talking about people we know, and poking innocent fun at them, but then it got really heavy. Talking about one guy's self-centred attitude, another's annoying speech patterns, another's problems with someone else... I called him on it a few times, but it kept going back to this really heavy shit.
I said to him, "I wonder what you say when I'm not around" and he said
"Nah, I don't say much. You don't have as many issues as those guys"
That kinda blew my mind. He went on to say how I'm well rounded and just overall more calm than the others. I'm not really sure why that means he can say these mean things about the others, maybe he can only make fun of people who are easy targets. But the way he said it made it sound like they were acceptable targets because of their issues.
Ultimately, what he said is harmless, but only because he didn't say it to them. Though, now I do wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. Probably something about how quiet I am. I don't give people much fodder for this stuff.
We were talking about people we know, and poking innocent fun at them, but then it got really heavy. Talking about one guy's self-centred attitude, another's annoying speech patterns, another's problems with someone else... I called him on it a few times, but it kept going back to this really heavy shit.
I said to him, "I wonder what you say when I'm not around" and he said
"Nah, I don't say much. You don't have as many issues as those guys"
That kinda blew my mind. He went on to say how I'm well rounded and just overall more calm than the others. I'm not really sure why that means he can say these mean things about the others, maybe he can only make fun of people who are easy targets. But the way he said it made it sound like they were acceptable targets because of their issues.
Ultimately, what he said is harmless, but only because he didn't say it to them. Though, now I do wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. Probably something about how quiet I am. I don't give people much fodder for this stuff.
Monday 16 May 2011
Mass Effect 2 log
Game completed. Fucking amazing. I think it's probably one of the best games I've ever played. The start was so jarring, after getting to know ME1's mechanics so well. I actually really liked some of the characters, so much so that I felt really sad when we found out about Tali's father, and Jack's history.
Time to complete: 27 hours.
Route: Female Full Paragon Vanguard
Aquired squad members: All 10
Loyal squad mebers: All 10
Surviving squad members: All 10
Relationship: None, I was going for a heartbroken about my ex asari lover being a bitch and broke my heart angle
Wait, 27 hours? What the fuck man. What game takes 27 hours to finish?
Going to replay ME1 again as male Renegade Shepard, then import and play ME2 following the same pattern. Will import my female Paragon Shepard for ME3 when it comes out. I like her voice (and ass)
Time to complete: 27 hours.
Route: Female Full Paragon Vanguard
Aquired squad members: All 10
Loyal squad mebers: All 10
Surviving squad members: All 10
Relationship: None, I was going for a heartbroken about my ex asari lover being a bitch and broke my heart angle
Wait, 27 hours? What the fuck man. What game takes 27 hours to finish?
Going to replay ME1 again as male Renegade Shepard, then import and play ME2 following the same pattern. Will import my female Paragon Shepard for ME3 when it comes out. I like her voice (and ass)
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Personality
I was talking to my friend tonight, he is also trans. He runs a trans youth group and does a very good job of it. We were talking about how to improve the group, and that lead on to talking about transsexualism on a level that I haven't touched on with most people.
I asked him a question, but before I say what it was I need to put it into context to understand the weight behind it.
If you're trans, it's so easy for it to consume your life. When you're starting out, it's all you think about. You just wonder, how will I make it? Even if you're aware of it this possibility, it's still possible to let it devour you. When you're a bit further along, you wonder about things to make you pass more. Even later, there's The Op to think about, having a relationship, work... Literally everything in life is centred around gender, that's why it's so easy for people to fall down this trap.
It's hard to get past that thought pattern once you've been there for so long. So you stay there. Ultimately, it's easy to become one of those trans people who can only talk about being trans, like they have no other personality trait. I've met loads of people like this, which is one reason I decided to get out of the community for a while. I've made a conscious effort to not end up like that, and so far so good.
Now, the question is what someone asked me, after saying what I just said above, and told me to keep it in the back of my mind:
What will you do after you transition?
I asked him a question, but before I say what it was I need to put it into context to understand the weight behind it.
If you're trans, it's so easy for it to consume your life. When you're starting out, it's all you think about. You just wonder, how will I make it? Even if you're aware of it this possibility, it's still possible to let it devour you. When you're a bit further along, you wonder about things to make you pass more. Even later, there's The Op to think about, having a relationship, work... Literally everything in life is centred around gender, that's why it's so easy for people to fall down this trap.
It's hard to get past that thought pattern once you've been there for so long. So you stay there. Ultimately, it's easy to become one of those trans people who can only talk about being trans, like they have no other personality trait. I've met loads of people like this, which is one reason I decided to get out of the community for a while. I've made a conscious effort to not end up like that, and so far so good.
Now, the question is what someone asked me, after saying what I just said above, and told me to keep it in the back of my mind:
What will you do after you transition?
Tuesday 10 May 2011
How my body works
I have no idea.
It was probably 2 months into hrt that I masturbated for the first time. Holy shit. What happened was amazing, and unexpected. I felt it through my whole body. And then right afterwards, the afterglow I guess, just made me warm for ages. So of course I made it a regular thing again. Not as often as I used to though. Every 4 or so days, until I was on orgasm restriction a month later anyway.
What I've noticed in the last year is how hard it is to actually orgasm now. I've since gotten over masturbating regularly and now do it when the mood strikes me, which isn't very often. I tried this morning, and even though I was really horny it took ages to actually finish. It still felt amazing, but it was harder to get there. It's going to get harder to get there as time goes on, which is just one of the many changes hrt has.
It was probably 2 months into hrt that I masturbated for the first time. Holy shit. What happened was amazing, and unexpected. I felt it through my whole body. And then right afterwards, the afterglow I guess, just made me warm for ages. So of course I made it a regular thing again. Not as often as I used to though. Every 4 or so days, until I was on orgasm restriction a month later anyway.
What I've noticed in the last year is how hard it is to actually orgasm now. I've since gotten over masturbating regularly and now do it when the mood strikes me, which isn't very often. I tried this morning, and even though I was really horny it took ages to actually finish. It still felt amazing, but it was harder to get there. It's going to get harder to get there as time goes on, which is just one of the many changes hrt has.
Saturday 7 May 2011
Counter-productive
My gaming to-do list just took a huge step in the wrong direction, with me buying Crysis (it was $4! How could I possibly resist!) and Mass Effect 2 (it was $10!)
I mostly bought Crysis out of curiosity. When it came out it was the best graphics everrrrrr and needed to be run on some kind of amazing computer from the distant future. Fortunately for me I have a computer that is from the present and thus, from Crysis' perspective, a future-computer.
And Mass Effect 2, well, how could I turn that baby down?
I mostly bought Crysis out of curiosity. When it came out it was the best graphics everrrrrr and needed to be run on some kind of amazing computer from the distant future. Fortunately for me I have a computer that is from the present and thus, from Crysis' perspective, a future-computer.
And Mass Effect 2, well, how could I turn that baby down?
New home
My online home for the last 6 years is pretty much dead to me now. The only people who are left hold no appeal to me. This is a place that kept me sane when I was feeling lonely and crazy. It got me in touch with people I had things in common with, rather than people I was forced to see everyday at school. And now it's meaningless to me. I'm only still there because of the memories it holds. But even those are starting to feel meaningless. I've been phasing myself out of the place for a few months.
At the same time, I see my friendship with my best friend decaying in front of my eyes, and he does too, but there isn't much we can do about it. Our lives are changing in very different ways, and what little that brought us together doesn't seem like enough to hold us together. We're still friends, no doubt, but we're not as close as we used to be. It's sad, but I guess it's just a natural progression.
It's rather symbolic that these two things are happening around the same time, because we met on that site. This, combined with the fact I hate where I physically live, right now I feel like I have no where to call a home. So what now?
Find another one? Make another one? Opt to not have one?
This is new territory for me, and I don't think I like it much...
At the same time, I see my friendship with my best friend decaying in front of my eyes, and he does too, but there isn't much we can do about it. Our lives are changing in very different ways, and what little that brought us together doesn't seem like enough to hold us together. We're still friends, no doubt, but we're not as close as we used to be. It's sad, but I guess it's just a natural progression.
It's rather symbolic that these two things are happening around the same time, because we met on that site. This, combined with the fact I hate where I physically live, right now I feel like I have no where to call a home. So what now?
Find another one? Make another one? Opt to not have one?
This is new territory for me, and I don't think I like it much...
Thursday 5 May 2011
False anxiety/experimentation
I get most of my anxiety from my mother. Until recently I thought it was just how I am. On the first night I went out in girl mode I met an amazing transwoman who said she could tell that under my shy exterior was someone with confidence waiting to burst out. I thought she was talking out of her ass to be honest, but it's actually kinda true.
A lot of events and my general attitude have lead me to believe that it's mostly my mother's influence on me which created this anxiety. I won't get into details but the more I think about it and specific events I realise she is very much a nervous and anxious person.
I call what I have false anxiety, because it doesn't belong to me. It was handed to me. I have the anxiety without recalling an event that caused it. Granted, I was shy when I was growing up, but aren't a lot of kids?
This isn't all bad. At least I'm aware of it, and for the last year or so my motto has been Be terrified, do it anyway and it seems to be working out pretty well. It might never really go away, but I'm determined to stop it being a force in my life.
I met someone I had been talking to online for a short while recently, someone who reads my blog here. He mentioned my anxiety about a recent event and I told him to just pretend my anxiety doesn't exist because it's the only way it will go away. It's like Freddy Kruger: the more power you give it the more it will haunt you. I don't want to give it power, which is why I like hanging out with people who don't know about it because to them, it doesn't exist in me. If people know about it they account for it and give me permission to use it as an excuse, which I do too often to be healthy.
Over the last year I've been determined to try new things and expand my comfort zone. What's the only way to expand your comfort zone? Catapult yourself out of your small one and into new lands to be conquered. Amazingly, I've had positive results (mostly). This has lead to me wanting to try new things. Things I've never even heard of or imagined.
It's cool what happens when you just let go of the fear for even half a second.
A lot of events and my general attitude have lead me to believe that it's mostly my mother's influence on me which created this anxiety. I won't get into details but the more I think about it and specific events I realise she is very much a nervous and anxious person.
I call what I have false anxiety, because it doesn't belong to me. It was handed to me. I have the anxiety without recalling an event that caused it. Granted, I was shy when I was growing up, but aren't a lot of kids?
This isn't all bad. At least I'm aware of it, and for the last year or so my motto has been Be terrified, do it anyway and it seems to be working out pretty well. It might never really go away, but I'm determined to stop it being a force in my life.
I met someone I had been talking to online for a short while recently, someone who reads my blog here. He mentioned my anxiety about a recent event and I told him to just pretend my anxiety doesn't exist because it's the only way it will go away. It's like Freddy Kruger: the more power you give it the more it will haunt you. I don't want to give it power, which is why I like hanging out with people who don't know about it because to them, it doesn't exist in me. If people know about it they account for it and give me permission to use it as an excuse, which I do too often to be healthy.
Over the last year I've been determined to try new things and expand my comfort zone. What's the only way to expand your comfort zone? Catapult yourself out of your small one and into new lands to be conquered. Amazingly, I've had positive results (mostly). This has lead to me wanting to try new things. Things I've never even heard of or imagined.
It's cool what happens when you just let go of the fear for even half a second.
Sunday 1 May 2011
One year, pt2
Yesterday was the anniversary of the day I started taking hormones (I call it my tranniversary)
I spent the day in the city with 10 friends, doing a photo scavenger hunt I organised. Everyone seemed to love it! The only thing I wasn't happy with was that 3 really good friends canceled last minute. They're notorious for canceling on me. It looked like they'd actually be coming to it, then last minute they say they can't make it. Disappointing. But besides that, the day went really well.
Then last night was a fundraiser a trans youth group I've been a part of for a while. It was awesome. Everyone looked amazing, and even I dressed it up a bit.
Everyone I knew wished me a happy tranniversary, which was so nice. But then friends gave me gifts! Is this normal? I got some new nail polish from two friends, and I can't wait to try it cos apparently it does something special. And then some other friends came over with two wrapped gifts... how mysterious. One was a mirror, with a really long and really sweet note on the back. I have no idea how she writes so beautifully, it made me cry a bit. The other was a new hairbrush with my name on the back. I spent most of the night with the person who gave me the mirror, who had her arm around me.
After heaps of drag shows there were speeches from the 3 organisers who make the group possible. Hearing what they had to say, and then what the host of the night had to say about the group (she is also trans) made me realise how fucking amazing this is. Not that I didn't get it before, but it's pretty special. 3 years ago when I was looking for a trans group to talk to and meet people, there was pretty much nothing at all. I emailed probably a dozen places, and most just sent back a copy/paste message that directed me to somewhere else. It was not good. And then, when I finally manage to get to a group, it's totally alienating. Everyone was way older than me and it wasn't a very welcoming environment for someone just starting out.
But now, there's us! And I'm quite proud to be here.
When I got home, I just wondered how the hell I'd made all these amazing friends.
I spent the day in the city with 10 friends, doing a photo scavenger hunt I organised. Everyone seemed to love it! The only thing I wasn't happy with was that 3 really good friends canceled last minute. They're notorious for canceling on me. It looked like they'd actually be coming to it, then last minute they say they can't make it. Disappointing. But besides that, the day went really well.
Then last night was a fundraiser a trans youth group I've been a part of for a while. It was awesome. Everyone looked amazing, and even I dressed it up a bit.
Everyone I knew wished me a happy tranniversary, which was so nice. But then friends gave me gifts! Is this normal? I got some new nail polish from two friends, and I can't wait to try it cos apparently it does something special. And then some other friends came over with two wrapped gifts... how mysterious. One was a mirror, with a really long and really sweet note on the back. I have no idea how she writes so beautifully, it made me cry a bit. The other was a new hairbrush with my name on the back. I spent most of the night with the person who gave me the mirror, who had her arm around me.
After heaps of drag shows there were speeches from the 3 organisers who make the group possible. Hearing what they had to say, and then what the host of the night had to say about the group (she is also trans) made me realise how fucking amazing this is. Not that I didn't get it before, but it's pretty special. 3 years ago when I was looking for a trans group to talk to and meet people, there was pretty much nothing at all. I emailed probably a dozen places, and most just sent back a copy/paste message that directed me to somewhere else. It was not good. And then, when I finally manage to get to a group, it's totally alienating. Everyone was way older than me and it wasn't a very welcoming environment for someone just starting out.
But now, there's us! And I'm quite proud to be here.
When I got home, I just wondered how the hell I'd made all these amazing friends.
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