Why latex

I've had a massive latex fetish for a while now. I don't really remember a time when it wasn't a turn on, either sexually or emotionally. Like it made sense on more than one level.

I'm sitting here with a latex hood on, and it's been on for a few hours by now. It's so nice, and despite being a size too small for my fat head, it's extremely comforting. I feel comfortable in it, and it only just hit me why.

I get overstimulated easily, and most of it feels like it's coming in through my head, which is why I'm kinda fussy about people touching my face and when I'm ok with kissing people. That, on top of the auditory stimulation, wears me down and makes it very hard for me to be out in loud environments and still be social.

The hood makes everything muted; it's like the world gets it's volume turned down. My hair doesn't bother me, there's latex over my ears so sounds have their edge taken off and there's a layer between my skin and peoples' touch. This makes me feel very internal, contained and safe. It makes me feel disconnected with the outside world, and able to approach it on my own terms.

Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Invincibility and reality

So a while ago I found out someone I'd been following on YouTube is making a video game. Sonja suggested I ask her for an interview, and I jumped on it. I felt great, and excited.

Then reality set in, and the fear followed. I've resigned myself to knowing I won't do this, even though I want to. How often to you get to talk with someone you've looked up to for years?

I'm just really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

Monster vacuum

Maybe I hold onto my Monsters so tight is because, in a way, they give me comfort. They give me an excuse.

"Oh, I would be attractive, only if this changed"
"Oh, I'd be able to work, if that changed"
"Oh, I'll find someone, when these are changed"

But what happens when you get rid of the Monsters, and are still faced with those same problems? You can't remove a void, you can only fill it. Sometimes, it's really easy to fill a Monster-shaped hole with another similar Monster. It comes natural, doesn't it?

What happens when you bring down a Wall, and everything spills out? You have to find it all again, right? But what if you lose parts of yourself, or mistake a piece of the Wall for a part of you?

I hold my Monsters because, maybe, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't. But if the evil you know is slowly rotting you from the inside, can another one really be worse?

Raw burn

Last night was intense for me. I was in at the radio station, pretty relaxed like I usually am before a show because I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it's better to just be flexible while in the booth. However, 2 minutes until the show starts, we discover there's something wrong with the console.

Sonja starts freaking out, swearing, getting people to call people and running around trying to get things sorted, meanwhile the clock is ticking down. Eventually it just runs out, and we're thrown into a spotlight half-dressed.

I was getting rather nervous, mostly for Sonja's sanity, but then came time for my part in the show, and it's all a terrible blur of Um's and Uhhh's and that terrible feeling I used to get when I had to make a phone call. I suddenly felt like my face was on fire, it was hard to breathe, I had no one in this room with me when I'm used to having at least 2 people to pick up the ball if I drop it. I was flying blind. Thankfully, with my segment, I had a lot of material to pick from, so I just kept talking about what I know, hoping it was good enough and helped buy some time.

After what felt like several lifetimes, Sonja reappeared to help me out a bit, and slowly took back the show, and played an ad and a song, giving me a ton of time to go sit down outside the booth.

Sonja followed me out, and I had a small reception of people there tell me I did good, which made me feel great. After the show one of them told me I was hyperventilating during this, but I don't remember. All I remember was that I was sweating and shaking.

I went back into the booth after about 15 minutes to resume the show with Sonja, and I think the last half went really well.

When I got home, I just flopped into bed, listened to relaxing music and didn't do anything, and promised myself that tomorrow (read: today) I would take care of myself and just stay home and avoid stress. I did just that, and I'm feeling good.

This was by far my biggest anxiety attack this year. I was so stressed, and my emotions were shot. Afterwards I knew I was hungry, and that I wanted to go home, but I didn't really understand which was the priority, so I wondered back and forth between food places and my bus stop for 20 minutes before deciding food was more important, and I'd just get a taxi home if I missed the final bus (which I did)

But I'm proud of myself. I handled it, got through it, and knew what it took to make myself feel better. This would have killed me a year ago.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

External Monsters

It's getting to a point where something has to give.

A while ago I had a realisation that I actually like my life, except for my living conditions. It's impossible to live here, with her. I can't take being blamed for things that aren't my fault, having small things be blown out of proportion, have my own computer being taken up for hours and hours and then be made to feel guilty for wanting it back. The amount of times she gets angry at me for not doing what she doesn't ask me to do...

I don't know what to do.

This makes me feel like I have nowhere to go, no home, nowhere I can just... exist.

Reopening wounds

I believe in the power of art.

A friend approached me because she wants to do a series of paintings revolving around gender, and asked me to model for them, and help her with ideas. She wants to show the really negative and dark parts of being transgender, and warned me a few times things will get very emotional, but she doesn't know to what level.

As I've said many times here, I'm involved in a trans youth group in my city, and I'm very forward with information and details. I help new transgirls, I tell them they can ask me anything, I'm an open book. I offer the same to transguys as a courtesy, but for obvious reasons they don't take me up on it for the most part. I'm not an activist, but I like exposing people to trans issues, and reminding the world we're also human, which is something I tend to forget along the way. Something about becoming a monster while fighting monsters.

I'm looking forward to the dark bits. I quite enjoy the negative aspects of a lot of things in some weird way, and so many times in my transition I've felt like I was staring down into a dark abyss, deciding whether to jump or sit and admire the view. It's not all like that, though. There are amazing times when you feel invincible, and like a god.

But this isn't about those times. This is about the abyss. The hopelessness. The loneliness. The self-loathing. The self-mutilation. The victim. The endless questions. I hope things get as raw as she says. I almost feel eager to intentionally open these old wounds that rarely effect me, and let the blood and the tears flow, and let the world see it.

Close. Far. Close.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, years, maybe over a decade. I didn't really want it to be true, because... it seemed too obvious. But I think I have some really heavy abandonment issues with no understanding of how to cope with them.

Whenever someone lets me down in some way, I usually just... ignore them, or avoid them, and if I have to interact with them I just do the absolute bare minimum. I get it into my head that they let me down on purpose, so they don't like me, so it won't matter if they think I hate them. But then, after being exposed to the person again for a while, I see that they don't hate me, and that almost all of this is in my head.

There's a really fucked up logic to this, in my brain. I feel like a dog, if I don't see someone for a while I get super happy when I do see them and basically wanna just hug them and wag my tail and stare at them for a while. But if they're the person that let me down, I feel like not being happy they're back is some kind of stupid punishment, where my sadness causes them pain. Which explains why it takes a phenominal amount of effort to do something positive for myself when I'm down, like playing a game or actually trying to be happy.

On top of that kind of "punishment", I also feel like if there's no repurcussion they feel like they can just do it again, and again. That might be true, but it's obvious I never actually communicate when I'm let down, and why. Instead, my stupid little ritual only makes me feel worse with no other results, because most of the time it just goes over the person's head.

This is what living inside my head is like. It's any wonder I want to leave the planet.

Worth

So... the last 5 or 6 months have had a spiraling theme lurking above them, and many things have resulted from it.

I could point out specific events and people, but I won't. The end result of most negative things that happened last year was that I felt like I didn't matter, and while I usually bounced back with my mood that has stuck.

Over the new years I stayed at a friends, because it's kinda tradition now to spend NYE with them. But the entire time I was there I felt really guilty about existing in their space, like I was some alien or I was forcing them to have me there when they didn't want me to.

There are things I want, some from myself and some from other people, but most of the time I feel like I'm not worth it. I want to study, but I don't feel like I would be worth the money it would take to do a course.

How do you get past this? I want to care about myself again, I want to feel even a little bit valuable to someone, but every step I take just moves me backwards.

Looking for a reason to say no

I'm working from the stance that beggers can't be choosers. Like I said a while ago, so what if something good comes along and isn't perfect?

So what if people say I can do better? I'm tired of waiting for better. This concept of "better" is why I say no to so much, because what if something better is just around the corner?

As for the people who say I deserve better... well, even if I did, that doesn't make me more eager to wait longer.

For so long I've worried about what could go wrong. Now I'm excited for what could go right.

More kink events

What an interesting weekend.

I went to a kink event again. And I had a lot of fun. More than that, I met someone, and even arranged a playdate with a very adorable twinky boy. He makes me giggle just thinking about him.

I've wanted to write about this for a while, but nothing... happened. I didn't have any revelations, any unique experience outside of playing with a TENS machine, no outrageously negative experiences. It was just a fun night with friends in a new fun environment.

I did take Jane, my dead elephant, for moral support, and she helped at the start when I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about the place. But I felt better, and eventually carrying her around was just a statement on my littleness, and not a safety blanket, which was a nice transition.

There was this one very surreal aspect of the night, at the very end. There was this cute topless boy getting tied up. The room they were in was tall, and had slow lights moving around making it seem a lot taller and alive, and there was a song being played that I listened to a lot when starting The Pills, so there's a weird association there and I felt like I was floating. It was all a very strange and it made me feel quite happy.

Afterwards, I spent the night at E's house with Serina, which was nice. Talking to her until very late and falling asleep. The next day, E and L were having people over, and that was a lot of fun as well. So many new people in just a few days.

Basically if this keeps up, kink events won't even be a Thing anymore. Which would be nice.

Made of glass

I went to a kink event last night with Serina, E and L, and had a great time. Since I'm exhausted and the words aren't coming, I'll blog about it later. But something happened last night at one point.

E and L were playing, so I sat on a couch near someone and tried to strike up conversation with someone, and didn't get a very good reception, which was kinda disappointing. On top of sitting in a low chair in a corset, I guess I had a look on my face that told Serina I was freaking out.

She kept looking over at me and mouthing the words "are you ok?" and I kept saying I'm fine. This kept up for a while, and I got really frustrated at her. It kinda felt like before, when she treated me like glass. After the last couple of months, this event was pretty awesome. I wasn't overstimulated at any point, not anxious, or scared, or anything. I was just having fun.

So to have her look over at me, worried I wasn't handling things... it made me kinda sad. Like maybe I hadn't changed as much as I thought. Eventually she came over to make sure I was ok, and I kinda snapped at her.

After a minute the guilt of that kinda washed over me. She was just looking out for me, and after some of the other times we've been at kink events, anyone would have been keeping an eye on me.

We are everything you wanted

Who really disappointed me in the last few weeks?

Thinking about it all, what what I wanted from those people seemed simple on the surface. But it's the lifestyle I wanted, and was denied.

Like last month, and my Night in Hell, it was just a reach for the thing I wanted, and this time I fell on my face. The people concerned don't know what this meant for me, and I approached it from that angle intentionally. I don't like letting people in a lot of the time, and they don't need to know. It's about me, and what kind of person I want to be.

I'm scared to initiate something again, but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't always end with this kind of result, and I'm struggling a lot. I still want the end goal though. So it's really just a matter of time before I try again.

Trust

These last few weeks have damaged my trust of people. Too many people have made promises they couldn't, or simply didn't, keep. I've basically quarantined myself from most of my friends, today being an exception because of TDOR, because being around some of them makes me sad and angry. I'm positive it will pass soon. But the damage to my trust has already been done.

Serina (ex-mummy) has re-entered my life with her typical clumsy crash, taking a coffee table out as she entered, and I'm rather happy she did. It's been nice reconnecting with her, but she's not immune to my trust issues. Because of recent events, and our history together, I'm keeping her at arm's length for a while, just like I am with everyone.

As for where we are, we are just friends. Although "just" doesn't really come into it. We work better as friends, as we've proven many times in many ways, so we're staying friends. Best friends, it seems.

Like you let me down before

I think I had another anger blackout tonight.Everyone's been letting me down lately in ways that really matter to me, combined with insanity from my group and generally hating my body. I wanted to just distance myself from everyone, but for some reason everyone wanted a piece of me.

One of my friends was talking about how she got angry at our group, and reminded me of a bunch of shit, on top of her being one of the many to let me down lately, and I felt something pop. I went into my room feeling so angry I was dizzy and had a lie down.

I don't know what conclusions to draw here. I still don't feel well, and I'm not going to my group next week. I don't really feel like talking to anyone from that corner of my life right now...

The worst thing in the world

I think what I want doesn't exist. At least not right now. Maybe I've been overreacting to people like I talked about a few months ago. Maybe they aren't evil, or serial killers, or insane.

Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.

I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.

If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?

Falling free

I forgot to take The Pills yesterday. By the time I realised, I figured it was too late anyway, so I thought I'd just wait until the next day (today) to take em again. I'm still new on them, sure I can feel their effects and all, but what's one day?

Holy shit. Never again. Last night was fucking weird. I don't know if everything I felt was because I missed taking them, but I felt like total shit, and it's just not worth it.

It started off with a splitting headache, and then suddenly, my mood plummeted. Just straight down with nothing to stop it. For the first time in over 2 weeks, I was in bed on the laptop because I was too sad to do anything else. I've been reading some books, and I really wanted to continue them, but every time I glanced at them the last thing I wanted to do was reach for them, open them, and continue where I left off.

I got a message from a very nice person I've been talking to lately, and he made me smile because he is genuinely one of the most adorable and energetic people I've ever known, but any positivity he brought didn't last long. Eventually, the discussion just went to the depressing things that were on my mind, and I went to sleep, and started to cry. I don't even know why.

I still refuse to believe that was all because of The Pills, but again, I don't think I'll take the chance again.

Let's meet

Actually, let's not.

I've been talking to someone lately, and it progressed far enough to warrant meeting in person. This is great, I thought, this guy seems decent. We had a lot in common, in terms of kink.

So I asked where he'd like to meet, and he said my house. Um, no, that's not how this works, dude. Why not a cafe? Cafes are nice (and neutral and you're less likely turn me into a statistic), let's go to a cafe. Then, the bombshell: that's too public.

He does not want to be seen in public with me. He says he doesn't want people to know he's bi and kinky. After getting more info, it was clear he was referring to the fact I'm trans.

Dammit, this isn't fair. You can't have so much in common with me, and then be like this.

One strange thing about this is that I can definitely feel The Pills working. My normal reaction to this happening (he is the fourth person to do this) is to sulk for a few days in bed and maybe cry. Not crying over them, really, just crying because it's another layer of icing on the Shit Cake that is being transgender. But today, no tears, very little bed.

I can almost physically feel my thoughts bumping up against a wall, but not that type of Wall either. Maybe it's a new type of Wall, one that's keeping me from accessing the bad thoughts, but my brain is a creature of habit, and doesn't yet understand that there's now a Wall in the way, so it keeps going for them.

The result is me being very confused about my own headspace. Like I said, I can almost feel what's happening in my head now, because something about it has changed. I know what I would normally be feeling, and this latest one has been the worst of them all, so I should be a wreck. But I'm not. I've had a vent to some people, had a minor sulk, and resumed my day. It's not that I haven't felt the hurt, or sadness from this, but now it seems I can put it in it's place a lot better.

Better living through chemistry, indeed.

little ylatch Big Ylatch

I had issues growing up. Things that stunted my growth, mentally. I became too attached to my mother, and was wrapped in cotton wool for a long time.

I've known this for a long time, and I'm working through it with my psych. She figured that my independency level was about equal with a 14 year olds, which sounds about right. I almost have no experience as an adult... which is why I feel like ageplay is dangerous for me. It keeps me in that mindframe of a child, when I really need to grow up, and move on. It let me, and encouraged me, to stay in that place.

My stuffed toys are looking really worried at the moment, but they shouldn't be scared. They're not going anywhere. This isn't me feeling like I should cut out a tumour, even though that's how it started. I'm not going to throw out all the childhood things I love, and force myself to hate them. They're all a part of me. Being little is a part of me (just like being kinky, being a puppy, being submissive, being trans... I'm a lot of things) and I'm not giving it up. Just... putting it in its place, I guess.