Bringing down Walls

Slowly learning that letting down Walls doesn't just cause pain, but can be vastly rewarding.

I feel myself growing closer to people every day. Feel friendships more vividly. Feel less anxious around people. Feel more connected to myself, and the world around me. Feel more in control.

You can also find a lot of yourself in others, which I'd forgotten.

Pain

You know what sucks? Unlocking your masochism, and then having no one to play with.

Since I'm getting electrolysis regularly, however, it kinda takes the edge off. I used to try to work on not letting myself slip into that same mindframe as when I used to play, but since I've been craving it for a few weeks I decided to let myself go there. And it worked. And it felt oh so good. I remember there was this one abnormally painful hair, and while it was excruciating, as soon as it was out I floated for a few seconds.

What didn't feel good was after it, though. After a scene I just need... quiet, and dark. I got none of that, and while it was nice hanging out with a friend, I just needed time alone. Last time something like this happened I got a bit crazy.

What Serina said is still correct, I need some kind of post-treatment support here. I never really received any before, and I remember that first time I went, and took care of myself, so I guess I can just do that again.

Surrendering to the gravity and the unknown

So begins a new phase in my life. I've spent a lot of the last week inside my own head, and as much as I've written lately, it's only been a small glimpse.

I did not realise it until it was pointed out by someone I deeply cared about, but things in my life have been getting worse, my head has been getting worse. I just wish I'd paid attention sooner.

I thought I was just... beyond help, but I didn't ever really try. I was too scared to get real help. Too scared to fail, and succeed. Normally, I'd bitch about it for a few days and then not do anything. But I've already started with the help of that same someone. Now it's up to me to continue.

I do not have an easy road ahead of me. I feel alone, even though I'm surrounded by people who love me. Like I said before, I don't really know where I'm going, but I'm going there. I'm absolutely terrified, but it's time for me to do something for myself, to improve myself.

With a new phase, comes a new blog title. Like the old one, it comes from a song. Unlike the old one, however, this comes from a place of positivity, a desire to help yourself, but most of all... recovery.

I choose to live.

Security blanket

I was thinking about recent events in my life, and I suddenly got very sad, and anxious. I was listening to music through my speakers, because mum isn't home, but when I started thinking about these things I suddenly wanted my headphones on, even though I was already listening to music.

Maybe this is one of those Walls I talked about before, to keep things out. When you've got headphones on, the only thing that exists is what is pumping through them. When my mum has been in a bad mood, I put them on and turn up the music so I can't hear her anymore.

Maybe it's a byproduct of the music? I associate headphones with music, so I just feel better with them on?

Putting them on, I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. The last few weeks have lead me to believe that keeping people out isn't the best, and the fact something that stops communication with others makes me so comfortable is... counter to what I want.

Exposed, is the word. That's how I felt, and that scares me. I just wish it didn't.

BLTC pt2 a

There was a post here, but I deleted it. Let's try that again now I've calmed down a bit.

I'm angry, frustrated, confused, scared, hurt and lonely. The doctor did not go as I had planned. I just wanted to go in, get some drugs and leave. Apparently that's not why we went. I thought that since everyone had been trying to get me on anti-depressants this whole time, it would be easy to do. No one mentioned what would actually happen.

The situation has gone from me begrudgingly going along with it, to having to actually be involved. Now I feel like I need to actually want this, rather than just cruise along because everyone else says I should do this. That's a struggle.

I remember something I said a while ago, about killing myself: the suicide rate for trans people is insanely high, being trans sucks and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but that's not why I want to kill myself. So I don't see the point in doing it.

There's a lot more there than I first realised. I thought that just meant I didn't want to off myself, but maybe there's more to it than that. If I really didn't care about myself, why would I be this far into transition? If I truly didn't care, I'd be dead, or a totally different person.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how I'll get there. But there is something there. Unfortunately, it seems I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I expected, or wanted. I'm backed into a corner with not much choice though. That's better than nothing, I guess.

The Anger

I hate this feeling. Being so angry all the time. It's so raw, so powerful, so horrible. This is how I used to be all the time. Hating everything. I don't like being this person.

Something happened on wednesday night, but it's kinda hazy. I don't remember much of it. I remember being out with Serina the next day to see Batman, and I was still really angry, and I wasn't even really all there, which makes me sad because I miss her a lot, so I feel like I wrecked the night.

I don't really know how to handle it, because I don't know any safe outlets, and I know bottling it up makes it way worse.

Better living through chemistry

For years people have been trying to shove anti-depressants down my throat, and I've resisted. Almost everyone I knew had suggested it, but I kept saying no this whole time. Then Serina said I should do it, and that broke me. The person I trusted the most was betraying me like this? Right to my face? How could she do this?

And I just... hated everything for a while. I was so shaken by it, so shocked, I just caved in and finally said I'd do it.

I was so confused. This felt like a backstab, like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, even Serina. But I was still going to do it, though I didn't know why. I didn't want to, I don't want to. I called the doctor yesterday, and wanted to throw up immediately afterwards, and not because of anxiety about using the phone for once. I felt like I'd just given up. Stopped fighting. Betrayed myself. Quit.

But wait... maybe all these people think I should do this, not because they hate me, but because they love me. Because they want what's best for me. Because they want me to be happy. Depression fucks with your head, right? Maybe I'm the one who doesn't see clearly, not them. Maybe staying where I am isn't healthy.

So I guess I'm just trusting them, and doing it for them. And if doing it for others is not a good reason to take anti-depressants... well, it's the best reason anyone's gonna get with any sort of truth from me, where I do this voluntarily.

Trapped

Tonight ended sooner than I'd expected. A lot sooner. I had the choice of going home or staying in the city for hours and hours with a dead phone and iPod with about 20% battery. So I just went home.

Every time I walk in that door I remember why I always hesitate to come back. It's so small and loud and bright. And my mother is awful to live with. I can't have much privacy, and when I do she asks what I'm doing in my room. I can't even have friends over because she doesn't leave us alone, and gets angry when we make too much noise.

It's impossible to be tired, and just want quiet time as well, because she gets offended when I don't have the energy to listen to everything she says. I hate it when I've had a big night and I get home, exhausted, and she's still up, and wanting to know everything that happened with endless questions when I just want to sit down for a while first. It's a great night for me when I get home before her, so I can relax on my own terms.

But the worst is that she gets angry at me for being depressed.

This all wasn't too bad, because I had a way out. But now that way out is gone, so I'm left trying to cope with the prospect of staying here for a very very long time.

Walls, Monsters and fighting

I have high Walls. And a lot of Monsters.

I thought that the Walls just kept people out. But I found out they're also good at keeping the Monsters in. The Walls are bad, but there is no doubt they're good at what they do.

The Walls isolate me, and leave me blocked off. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel distant.Unlike the Monsters, I know where the Walls came from for the most part. I've been working on letting them down, and letting people see me. People who aren't Serina. And I've actually had good results.

The Walls also effect my self esteem: I don't really see people one-on-one, and I've talked myself into believing that's because no one would want to be around just me. Not just think it, but actually believe it, trapping me inside with the Monsters.

Though they're both different obstacles, they both can be overcome with the same strategy: acknowledge, understand, resist. What I've been doing is essentially pretending there isn't a problem until I'm overrun. I remember vividly before my last crash that I felt it coming, and I did nothing. Nothing to stop it, nothing to think about it. I didn't even tell Serina that I was feeling low, until it blew up in our faces.

I've heard people say it's easier to give in than it is to fight. That's not true. Not for me. There is no "easy" here. The guilt, and regret I feel when I give up... that isn't easy. At least it's enough to push me back out of it. Enough to convince me fighting is worth it. Like a weird kind of motivation, I suppose.

The Walls and Monsters are.... a part of me. Which is scary to think about, but also a relief, because if I can change, so can they.

This is all great, but just talking about this doesn't stop it. What I'm doing here, right now, is understanding it.

Fear

Fear of the future.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of relying on the wrong people.
Fear of failing.
Fear of falling.
Fear of being tossed aside.
Fear of something new.

Today I let Fear win.
Today I threw out so much that I was working for.
Today, I left the person I love.

Because of Fear.
And I hate myself for it.

Letting the Monsters win

The Monsters are creeping in again. Lately, my mind has been full of negativity aimed towards myself. Physically, emotioanally. Body image, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, wondering if maybe some of the people who look up to me should stop.

There is no one thing that's caused this. I've been teetering on the edge for a while, but never tipped, until today. Body issues, self confidence, gender presentation, fear of not fitting in, fear of falling out of the way...

I made a conscious choice to let them in. To let them win. To stop trying. To give in to self-loathing, when I really shouldn't.

Something needs to change.