The real B

Post 101.

*: When I say family I mean extended family, my mother already knows.

Finally christmas is over. What a nightmare. In the week leading up to it I had a bout of immense depression every day, fearing my family because I'm not out to them. I broke down at my psych appointment, and closed right up and refused to open again. She tried to put my fear into a focused direction, and face it in a practice run with her, probably in an effort to show me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. That just made things worse, and all I wanted to do was go home and lie in bed and never ever leave.

That night I thought about quitting transitioning, suicide, running away, and realised those were less terrifying than coming out to my family and I haven't really changed my mind either.

What I keep coming back to is that nothing will change. I came out to my mother over two years ago and nothing has changed. She still treats me like a guy, still refers to me as male, still calls me my male name. The only thing that's changed is I dress like a girl in front of her now, which I guess is something... but after two years?

I've been told that I'm just hiding myself from them, which I guess is true. But if nothing has changed with my mother after two years, it's not going to with the rest.

I'm not really sure what to do about this anymore. I hear it's nice in Queensland though.

Jumping to the defense

Serina's been looking into spirituality of various kinds, which I think is awesome. But she's so quick to dismiss it and get defensive because some people would laugh at her for doing this, and liking it, and expanding her mind.

Come to think of it, a lot of people do this. People are so scared that if they do anything out of the norm they'll be shunned, so they lampshade it to make them seem more "normal" to others. It extends into the meta and petty often, too. If someone listens to, and enjoys, a band that isn't what is expected of them, they're likely to feel guilty, or even pretend to hate it and not listen to it again out of fear of getting hurt because you exposed some small part of yourself to others.

I wish people didn't do this. People judge too harshly sometimes.

The inclusive isolating community

Serina and myself were out shopping in an op-shop, and we happened to see another trans-girl, who was looking at us, almost like she really wanted to say hi.

We really wanted to say hi to her as well. But we couldn't. It's just not done. Which is heartbreaking, and quite conflicting to what is spread around the community. We're meant to be a big family, and support each other so no one feels alone when it's so easy to feel that way.

And yet, the 3 of us exchange knowing looks, and go about our day, trying to not look at each other again.

No other community is like this, because no other community's desire is to blend in. Trans people want to be invisible, and just live their lives. But most bizarrely, the only place we want to be approached for being trans is at a support group, or with friends. In specific locations. At specific times. I see it partially stemming from a concept I posted about a while ago, no trans person wants to be "that trans person". We don't want to be singled out for our trans status, even if it's by another trans person in a safe (public) place. There's no other common ground, nor is it an appropriate place to approach anyone (in a clothes store).

There are some who just don't want to be part of the community at all, and stare daggers at any trans person who dares exist in the same dimension as them, which is sad, but I can see where they're coming from. But the other day when we saw this girl was different.

It's such a conflicting coexistance. It's almost like being part of Fight Club.