I had to go to a job agency today. I was terrified, and very nearly didn't go. But I did. They wanted some info on me, and I told them I really don't think I'm capable of working, but they didn't seem to listen.
Next time I go back I'll try again, but my hopes are not very high.
I had no idea what to expect from this, I hate going into things not knowing what will happen. I try to keep the panic low, but it always finds a way in.
I'm not really sure what the next step is, if they think I'm capable of working. I couldn't even get to sleep last night because I was freaking out over this appointment. I can't even say "at least it's over" cos I'm going to have to go back at some point.
Tuesday 10 January 2012
Monday 9 January 2012
Inconsistency
Living with my mother is madness inducing.
She is accepting, but confused. At least that's what I think.
I currently haven't gotten over what was wrong in my last post, which is to be expected when you run from the problem rather than dealing with it. There is some history on what's bothering me now, though.
Mum is afraid of things, and presses these fears onto me. She's scared of the rest of the family, and so am I. One day she told me that my grandmother would not support what I'm doing, which naturally ruined my day. Earlier this week she asked me if I'd thought about telling the rest of the family I'm trans, and I didn't know what to say. I was shocked she'd even asked. And tonight she said I should wear a suit to my auntie's wedding.
It's maddening. I don't think there's any way to please her, which should be my queue to just say "fuck it" and do what I want, but I can't seem to take that leap.
I also have an appointment tomorrow, and of course I'm terrified and really don't want to go. This isn't helping my mood. In fact I've been in bed for most of today. I haven't done this in a long time.
She is accepting, but confused. At least that's what I think.
I currently haven't gotten over what was wrong in my last post, which is to be expected when you run from the problem rather than dealing with it. There is some history on what's bothering me now, though.
Mum is afraid of things, and presses these fears onto me. She's scared of the rest of the family, and so am I. One day she told me that my grandmother would not support what I'm doing, which naturally ruined my day. Earlier this week she asked me if I'd thought about telling the rest of the family I'm trans, and I didn't know what to say. I was shocked she'd even asked. And tonight she said I should wear a suit to my auntie's wedding.
It's maddening. I don't think there's any way to please her, which should be my queue to just say "fuck it" and do what I want, but I can't seem to take that leap.
I also have an appointment tomorrow, and of course I'm terrified and really don't want to go. This isn't helping my mood. In fact I've been in bed for most of today. I haven't done this in a long time.
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