Staring down an inanimate object

What is it about chastity that I like? Why is it so frustrating to not be locked up? Mummy already owns my genitals, and decides if/when I get to have an orgasm, isn't that enough?

I miss the physical reminder that it gives. I like having no choice in the matter, it's why I gave it to her. And it's... difficult to rely on willpower alone. I've been incredibly horny lately, and I don't know why, but I've been good, and asked mummy if I was allowed to touch myself (because she's not here).

Mummy said she misses it being locked up as well. But I've been frustrated and angry at the device we have, because it keeps giving me bruises or cuts. Which is really stupid, because what I'm angry at is a piece of metal. I can't give it the silent treatment, or talk it into behaving. And that's why I'm going to lose this battle.

I've been trying to tell myself for a few weeks that I don't really want it locked up. But I do. I really do. And I want mummy to have the key.

The Lightning Rod

Since I got my boots I've pretty much worn them exclusively when out presenting as female. I love them so much.

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.

When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...

Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.

What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.

I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.

Service mummy

Tonight, I was completely wrecked when we got home. We came in, and I said I needed to do the dishes (there was a lot) and feed the dog. I go out and feed the dog, and sit down at the computer to take 5 before I start the dishes. Then I hear mummy start the tap, and move some stuff around. She was about to do everything, and she said she didn't mind, and I should just sit down for a while.

But it felt.... weird. I'm the one who serves her, aren't I? Why was I sitting down, and relaxing, while she does the dishes? I tried to just relax like she said, but I couldn't. This was a new experience, one that came out of the blue.

I like serving my mummy. And to have her serving me is... wrong. So I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do (after coming out a few times to understand that she was ok doing the dishes herself). She said I could help dry things and put them away. So I did that. And I felt much better about it.

Silly mummy. Girly's are for service.

The alone-time itch

I'm frustrated. Mummy is over tonight, but for some reason I just want more alone time. She's in my room right now, watching TV while I play games on the computer in the other room.

She's been at E's for a while, and I've missed her a lot, and yet we're not even in the same room right now.

What's with this? Whenever we're away from each other for a few days we usually spend at least the first few hours attached at the hip. But not this time.

I guess I'm feeling extremely introverted at the moment. And everything seems to be moving really fast, even though I couldn't tell you anything that's happening. Maybe I'm coming down off the high from hearing about the gift I received?

I just feel so... restless. The fact that mummy is super tired makes things harder as well. She just wants to relax and watch a movie, and I want something more active. I feel bad if I drag her away from what she's doing, but I also feel bad being separate like this. I'm also in a mindframe where I get really frustrated at everything easily, which is not a good place to be with our dynamic. We were watching a movie before, and she kept playing with my hair, and I wanted her to stop and I was getting more and more frustrated at her for not stopping.

Maybe a part of it is that my social life has taken a plummet recently. I haven't been out to see friends in well over a week. Maybe I'm getting stuck in a rut?

I don't know. I just want it to be over.

Same clothes

Today I was out and saw a girl wearing the exact same pair of boots I have. It made me quite happy, and I wanted to go and hug her and introduce myself but I thought that might be a bit weird.

I always have this niggling little thought in the back of my head that I can't dress myself. That what I think looks good is terrible, and that no one in the world would wear what I wear. It's pretty obvious it's a part of my insecurity about being trans, there's a weird thought What if my clothes out me because no cisgirl would ever wear this stuff?

So it's nice when I see others in clothes I also have. I once saw a woman wearing the same top I have, and I got the same kind of feeling.

It's reassuring.

My day of pain

Shit. What a day.

My first batch of electrolysis. And while it doesn't live up to the pain-hype, I can definitely see how it got that reputation. It does not tickle.

One thing that I contemplated, but ultimately thought wouldn't happen, was the concept that I'd slip into that place I normally go when I'm receiving pain from mummy. Well, I was wrong. That did happen. Something else I thought about, but didn't think would happen, was the idea that I'd need aftercare, not necesserily because of how I treated it and the mindframe, but because it was brutal. After it was done, I was only half aware, and that strange mix of exhausted and bouncing-off-the-walls energetic was definately present.

This all caught me completely off-guard. All I wanted was a hug from my mummy, which was impossible at the time. But I held it together until I was in a familiar environment, which was a shopping mall near my house that was on my way home. I forced myself to be aware of how I was feeling, and made myself just sit, and relax, and just take it easy. I got something small to eat, which made me feel better. Then I got an ice cream for a bit of a treat. The little kid in me (read: the entirety of my insides) was happy about that. Then I got on the bus and headed home, realising I had spent a little over an hour at the mall. Guess pushing myself to go slow worked.

Beyond that, though, it went well. I'm not sure if I made a mistake, starting on the part that hurts the most (the top lip) but it's the part that I hate the most, so I want it gone first. I can't say anything about the results, because for all I know she just plucked the hairs out and that's that. I'll know soon enough I suppose. The woman who's doing it is super cool as well, we make a lot of jokes at each other which is great.

Tomorrow, I'm giving myself a well-needed day off from everything. It's just going to be me and my newly upgraded computer. I'm looking forward to it.

Fun? In a kink event?

It finally happened. I had fun at a kink event.

Last week, mummy, E, a friend, and I went to this quiet event, and... while I wasn't completely comfortable, at least it wasn't terrible. I started to have fun towards the end of the night. I went there, expecting pretty much more of the same as what I'd got, and while I kinda got it, it wasn't as bad as it had been.

I don't know what to think about it, really. Part of me doesn't really get these places. Kinky people come together and do kinky things... that sounds pretty simple, but I didn't really feel like I fit in much. Not because I'm trans or anything, I'm just not nearly as outgoing as everyone else who was there. I hope that will change in time. I'm pretty outgoing when I'm in a comfortable environment, like my trans group, so maybe it's just exposing myself to these places and getting to know the faces.

I got a cane, as well, because I've recently tapped into my masochistic side. Mummy wanted to use it on me right then and there, at the event. Which is normal, but I was not ready to go that far outside of my comfort zone, to do that in front of all these new scary people. Which is... annoying. I'm stuck in this place of wanting to do these things but not being comfortable enough, and I hate this place. I just want to be on one side or the other: not wanting to do it or being comfortable enough. Once again, I hope that changes with time. Everything from my experiences says it will if I want it to and put in the effort.

Community - Self worth and contribution

There is an interesting word I sometimes associate with the trans community. Without further explaination, it sounds like I'm here out of some obligation, or pressure to perform. That word is debt.

I owe a lot to the trans community in my city. It's been my safety net in many ways, it's helped guide me and give me advice and has always been there. The awesome thing about it, is that if someone who I usually turn to for advice or help is unavailable, I can ask someone else. More and more over the last year and a half, I've found that people have been asking me for help, which has been well documented in this blog.

These people are part of who I am, and where I'm going. They helped shape me. And so, when I became stable enough to be able to be in that sort of position to others, I jumped at it. And I'm glad I did. It's been rather rewarding. But this isn't what today's post is about. Today's post is about someone else's debt.

I was contacted earlier this week by a good friend, and said someone she knew had something to offer me. I won't say what, but to say this is going to be a help is to undermine and insult what this really is. This is monumental, and somewhat life changing. I met up with that person today, who told me that she's doing this because she feels like she owes something to this community, and wanted to repay it in a way via this amazing gift to some lucky person. Although, I find out it's not "luck". This is where my brain trips over and breaks its leg, however.

I have... earned this. People have noticed the effort and time I've been putting into this community. The energy I put in, out of this weird sense of debt. It's a feedback loop as well, because the more I give the more I get. I was talking about this concept to mummy, and I said that I almost felt like I'd need to add this to the pile of debt I have, but not in a bad way.

I've been given validation, in a way. A sign to say "You're doing things right". So now I can continue to do the things I am doing, do them better, and maybe do more things. And not because I'm getting noticed, or any sort of rewards that might come along, but... I owe a debt to this community. One that I'll gladly pay off multiples times over.

New music

Two of my favourite bands have released new albums within a week of each other. Naturally, I've been in fucking heaven, since my listening habits rarely expand. So to have TWO new albums handed to me on a silver platter in a week is a small slice of heaven for me.

I'm not going to be super pretentious and write reviews of them here, because seriously, who reads this blog apart from like 4 poeple? But it's been nice to see a new side of an old favourite, and expanding on a new artist.

A while ago, mummy and I were at E's house after my night in hell, and listening to Daft Punk's Alive 2007, and it was a song from their third album being mixed, and I said to E (not expecting him to get what I meant) "I think Daft Punk intentionally made their third album terrible, and they called it Human After All, to just remind everyone that everyone makes mistakes" and he said "Yeah. That's the thing about third albums, they're either amazing or terrible" and I just thought about it for a minute, and was like "yeah, totally". One of my new CDs is a band's third album... and it's amazing. I'm in love with it. It's beautiful, and is everything I love about this band, and everything I love about music, really. It makes me.... feel, makes me pay attention, makes me get emotions out. It's my outlet.

Decreasing the Spiral

My mind is in a better place. I had a wonderful night out with my Intro Group, I saw my mummy again, and I met my little sister in person for the first time!

Something that massive helped is talking to my mummy about it. She's been with E for a while, so I haven't seen her (and haven't really been in much contact), and when things got to be too much, I sent her a text to read my blog. She did, and a little while later sent me a biiiiig text message laying everything out for me, what I was going to do, what she was going to do, and just reminding me that a lot of those problems are temporary. Oh god, everything felt so light after that. Like I had a way through the crap now.

I was thinking about mummy and E's relationship, and I kinda had a small realisation. There's always the thought in the back of my head, what if he orders mummy to leave me? Now I understand what that really means, and why she went to him. For ages, my thoughts on it were He won't ask that of her, because it will destroy her. However, I added an extra bit to that that makes it turn around, and doesn't make it seem like such a hollow promise: This is why she went to him. It's not a happy coincidence, or him compromising. It's a part of why she wants him. Which makes me feel so much more secure in it all, and really makes me realise a core part of what bothers me about their arrangement: I don't want to be abandoned (again). I'm getting more and more secure in the concept that not only will this not happen, but it intentionally won't happen.

Top of the spiral

I don't feel very good. Things are starting to become too much, again. Getting things sorted for my name change, bashing heads with my mother, my ear being blocked for about a week making it very hard to hear anything, the fact the cage seems to have a mind of its own and is going out of it's way to produce random sores and cuts, my computer bordering on the edge of unuseable, and realising how much weight I've gained over the last year.

I'm getting bogged down, and I'm not really sure what to do to move myself. I don't even know what is a priority for me anymore. I have my Intro Night on wednesday, I just have to keep it together until then.

Insanity

Mummy and I went to a munch last night, and it was pretty boring. There isn't much to say about it that I haven't already said before, but at least mummy was there to turn what would have been a terrible experience into something bearable.

Afterwards I got pretty discouraged about going to any more kink events. After a point, it seems reasonable to say "this clearly isn't working out" and not going anymore. Right now I feel like I'm just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Mummy and E are going to an event tomorrow night, one that is rather close to where I live, but I'm not going. There's another event later in the month that sounds like it would be nice, so I guess I'll try that.

On a more positive note, this kinda gave me the kick I needed to get re-inspired to do my transgroups Intro Nights, remembering what it's like to be new somewhere that's supposed to be a good introduction. I just hope I do a better job than these people. From what I've seen, I think I do.