I was clothes shopping today. I hadn't shaved in probably 2 days and was buying girls clothes. I seem to have a pretty feminine figure that shines through the guys clothes I was wearing as well, because no one looked at me funny.
But this bit made my day.
I went to the fitting rooms with a pile of girls clothes, and the lady looked at me and was like "... which side do you want to go?" pointing to the male and female sides.
I did a little happy dance when I got into the change rooms :D
Thursday 28 April 2011
Wednesday 27 April 2011
My dick
I know what genitals I have. I also know what gender I identify as. But for most people, the fact that I don't hate my bits doesn't make sense.
I do go through phases where I can't stand looking at the thing, but that mostly has to do with dysphoria already being triggered by something else (like no boobs or too much body hair) but that doesn't happen very often to begin with. Here's where it gets interesting though.
Before hrt, it used to bother me. I hated it a lot. I couldn't wait to get The Op. But over the last year as I've been settling into my body I've come to accept it and even grow to like it a bit. It's fun to play with, and easy to hide.
Here's where it gets a little bit meta: I feel bad for not hating it.
In some ways it makes me feel "less trans" than others. Not that I talk about my genitals very often, but I'm almost worried about people finding this out. Obviously not too worried, since I'm writing this, but I don't think I've even met another non-op transgirl. I've heard of a few online in other countries, but every transgirl and woman I've met has either had The Op or is planning to have The Op.
Here's the big downside to me accepting my genitals: everyone else.
I'm well aware that there are people who would never accept me as female if I still have what I have. That doesn't really give me much hope, but it doesn't crush my spirits either. It's unfortunate, but I know there are people out there who don't worry about what's between your legs, and prefer what's between your ears.
I do go through phases where I can't stand looking at the thing, but that mostly has to do with dysphoria already being triggered by something else (like no boobs or too much body hair) but that doesn't happen very often to begin with. Here's where it gets interesting though.
Before hrt, it used to bother me. I hated it a lot. I couldn't wait to get The Op. But over the last year as I've been settling into my body I've come to accept it and even grow to like it a bit. It's fun to play with, and easy to hide.
Here's where it gets a little bit meta: I feel bad for not hating it.
In some ways it makes me feel "less trans" than others. Not that I talk about my genitals very often, but I'm almost worried about people finding this out. Obviously not too worried, since I'm writing this, but I don't think I've even met another non-op transgirl. I've heard of a few online in other countries, but every transgirl and woman I've met has either had The Op or is planning to have The Op.
Here's the big downside to me accepting my genitals: everyone else.
I'm well aware that there are people who would never accept me as female if I still have what I have. That doesn't really give me much hope, but it doesn't crush my spirits either. It's unfortunate, but I know there are people out there who don't worry about what's between your legs, and prefer what's between your ears.
Sunday 24 April 2011
Hiding
I am good at hiding my desires and urges. I rarely let them show, and if I do, it's in a harmless way, like a joke. That's mostly me testing the waters. But beyond that, I hide a lot. There's only one person in the world who knows pretty much everything about me, and that has a lot to do with the fact he doesn't even live in this state. Before I came out to mum, she had no idea that I was trans, or was bi/pan, or that I'd even had sex. That's a lot to keep hidden.
Being in the closet about everything made me good at hiding other things. But the problem is I almost never let my guard down about anything. I'm too scared to. That's mostly why I made this blog, to get used to the idea of not needing to censor myself. To run free. To write down what I actually think and want.
I told this to a friend, and he said that you don't need to let everyone around you know everything about you. I know that, but it's not what I mean. I mean, it's hard to open up in any capacity. For example, I saw a drag queen perform who really caught my attention. My friend asked me what I liked about her, and I said I don't know. That was a lie. I knew. I still remember. She was wearing a short dress, corset, nice tats, pretended to do a line of coke and then rolled around on the floor to a pop-industrial song I love.
The good part is I'm aware of this, and how much it sucks. I've lost some really good opportunities by being shy about these things. I just need a way to snap out of it. Practice makes perfect I suppose.
Being in the closet about everything made me good at hiding other things. But the problem is I almost never let my guard down about anything. I'm too scared to. That's mostly why I made this blog, to get used to the idea of not needing to censor myself. To run free. To write down what I actually think and want.
I told this to a friend, and he said that you don't need to let everyone around you know everything about you. I know that, but it's not what I mean. I mean, it's hard to open up in any capacity. For example, I saw a drag queen perform who really caught my attention. My friend asked me what I liked about her, and I said I don't know. That was a lie. I knew. I still remember. She was wearing a short dress, corset, nice tats, pretended to do a line of coke and then rolled around on the floor to a pop-industrial song I love.
The good part is I'm aware of this, and how much it sucks. I've lost some really good opportunities by being shy about these things. I just need a way to snap out of it. Practice makes perfect I suppose.
Saturday 23 April 2011
One year, pt1
A week from now marks one whole year on hrt. That means that today marks it being a year since I met my ex. The same ex who got me on hormones, taught me about lifestyle D/s first-hand and made me a confused mess for 5 months.
What happened is a bit of a mixed bag. If you were looking in from the outside, it was mostly all negative. But I think it's what I needed at the time. I'll spare the details about everything, because I'll be here all day typing, and frankly I don't want to remember some of the things that happened, much less cement them in writing. So, here's a summary of what I got out of the situation:
Playing with hormones makes you insane.
Leaning on someone is not weakness.
Polyamorous relationships only works with communication. Or more accurately: They don't work without much communication.
Avoid compulsive liars.
Listen to your friends, especially your best friend. (aka bros before hos)
Don't emulate people in an effort to change yourself. Especially when those people are in a worse place than you were before you met them.
Substance abuse doesn't just mean being addicted to drugs or alcohol, and just how bad it can be.
Anger is sometimes a healthy thing to express, as much as I hate it.
The trans community is a small world, and if you like it there, don't do something monumentally stupid with someone. You will see them again.
The difference between abuse and D/s.
Like I said, it seems mostly negative, but it was needed. I've learned from it, I've grown since and I like to think I'm a better person because of what happened. And as much as I hate her now, I still remember the good times, like when I was really sad about a friend and she came to get me, or when we just sat in my room listening to music in the dark talking about things.
The most important thing I learned from this experience: When the bad overwhelms the good in all ways, don't talk yourself into believing the good outshines the bad.
What happened is a bit of a mixed bag. If you were looking in from the outside, it was mostly all negative. But I think it's what I needed at the time. I'll spare the details about everything, because I'll be here all day typing, and frankly I don't want to remember some of the things that happened, much less cement them in writing. So, here's a summary of what I got out of the situation:
Playing with hormones makes you insane.
Leaning on someone is not weakness.
Polyamorous relationships only works with communication. Or more accurately: They don't work without much communication.
Avoid compulsive liars.
Listen to your friends, especially your best friend. (aka bros before hos)
Don't emulate people in an effort to change yourself. Especially when those people are in a worse place than you were before you met them.
Substance abuse doesn't just mean being addicted to drugs or alcohol, and just how bad it can be.
Anger is sometimes a healthy thing to express, as much as I hate it.
The trans community is a small world, and if you like it there, don't do something monumentally stupid with someone. You will see them again.
The difference between abuse and D/s.
Like I said, it seems mostly negative, but it was needed. I've learned from it, I've grown since and I like to think I'm a better person because of what happened. And as much as I hate her now, I still remember the good times, like when I was really sad about a friend and she came to get me, or when we just sat in my room listening to music in the dark talking about things.
The most important thing I learned from this experience: When the bad overwhelms the good in all ways, don't talk yourself into believing the good outshines the bad.
Thursday 21 April 2011
Gaining womanhood, or just gaining some humanity?
Today I was out on a rather nice sunny day. It was great! And I usually hate the sun, so whenever I actually like it I try to take as much of it in as I can. Since I had an unknown amount of time on my hands, as I was meeting someone who was going to be late but didn't know how late, I decided to go to the park near the Imax to take photos for my little art project. Then I got distracted by the playground with the swings!
I wondered over to them in the middle of a surprisingly busy playground and got on and started swinging. Then some kids came over, and I guess since one of them saw how much of an expert swinger I am (that's a good line, must remember for later) he asked "can you push me?"
So, amazingly, I got off my swing and gave him a push. I fucking hate kids, but there was something about today that made me tolerate them. It was fun. I taught him how to swing better (wow, now the context of that earlier line makes me feel like a pedo) and then I got back on my swing for a bit, then wondered off to play Pokemon under a tree until I eventually got a message from who I was going to meet.
Now... I've been wondering, is it the hormones that's made me hate kids less, or is it just that I'm a happier person than I used to be?
I wondered over to them in the middle of a surprisingly busy playground and got on and started swinging. Then some kids came over, and I guess since one of them saw how much of an expert swinger I am (that's a good line, must remember for later) he asked "can you push me?"
So, amazingly, I got off my swing and gave him a push. I fucking hate kids, but there was something about today that made me tolerate them. It was fun. I taught him how to swing better (wow, now the context of that earlier line makes me feel like a pedo) and then I got back on my swing for a bit, then wondered off to play Pokemon under a tree until I eventually got a message from who I was going to meet.
Now... I've been wondering, is it the hormones that's made me hate kids less, or is it just that I'm a happier person than I used to be?
Tuesday 19 April 2011
It takes a lot to offend me
Tonight I was out at a gathering for a genderqueer group. It's great, everyone's really nice and we're all friends... but there's someone new there who rubs everyone the wrong way.
They're new to the whole trans thing, so of course we're understanding about them mixing pronouns and such, but they ask some really invasive questions all the time. Until tonight they've just been a little bit annoying to me.
They were in overdrive with their questions, relentless and obsessive. Constantly asking about someone who was there two months ago that none of us really remember because it was their first time, asking if they were trans and born male or female... The host just kept their cool and answered the other person's questions and asked why it mattered how this person identified but the questions kept coming.
On the way out when everyone had left, they cornered me and asked me questions. I'm an open person, I'll answer peoples questions if they ask tactfully and are genuinely curious. But this person crossed a line with me tonight. They asked if I felt my name was appropriate, because it's unisex. And not in a "oh, don't you feel weird having a unisex name when you're transsexual?" way, a kind of way where they were judging me very hard. I flat what'd so hard, and a friend who was watching was offended as well. They asked if I was sure I wanted the name I have, and asked again after I said yes.
What could possess someone to ask a thing like that if they're apparently trans as well?
They're new to the whole trans thing, so of course we're understanding about them mixing pronouns and such, but they ask some really invasive questions all the time. Until tonight they've just been a little bit annoying to me.
They were in overdrive with their questions, relentless and obsessive. Constantly asking about someone who was there two months ago that none of us really remember because it was their first time, asking if they were trans and born male or female... The host just kept their cool and answered the other person's questions and asked why it mattered how this person identified but the questions kept coming.
On the way out when everyone had left, they cornered me and asked me questions. I'm an open person, I'll answer peoples questions if they ask tactfully and are genuinely curious. But this person crossed a line with me tonight. They asked if I felt my name was appropriate, because it's unisex. And not in a "oh, don't you feel weird having a unisex name when you're transsexual?" way, a kind of way where they were judging me very hard. I flat what'd so hard, and a friend who was watching was offended as well. They asked if I was sure I wanted the name I have, and asked again after I said yes.
What could possess someone to ask a thing like that if they're apparently trans as well?
Monday 18 April 2011
I hate going to new places
Today I had a very... well, I don't want to call it bad but it wasn't a very good experience either. It was detinitely negative. But it reminded me of other experiences I've had.
Today's experience: Meeting a bunch of kinksters at a bowling alley for the first time. After a huge drama involving about 500 Asian students taking over the place, I finally find who I'm meant to meet with but there were awkward turtles everywhere because I'm terrible at conversation with people I barely know, and I had just met about 12 at once. So, I faked it and watched a few people bowl instead of doing what I normally do (which is enter dear-in-headlights mode and do nothing) and talked to some of them. So at least I'm making progress. I mostly went to meet a certain individual, but he was super late and I was really eager to leave the turtles and go meet a friend somewhere I was comfortable so I never ended up meeting him. I was extremely frustrated at this because it feels like I launched myself wayyyy out of my comfort zone for nothing.
Last year I went to a social group for trans people not long after I had come out. I went, I knew no one at all, awkward turtles everywhere, I decided if I was just going to sit in a corner and be awkward I may as well do that at home, so I left early.
It's not that I'm awkward that's the problem, it's that it makes me angry at myself. I can't even put into words how much I hate myself when I feel really awkward around new people, I just want to scream at myself and hurt myself.
I touched on it a minute ago though. The event today and the event at the trans group made me so angry because it was for nothing. I didn't make any new friends, I didn't have a good time and it got in the way of doing something else I wanted to do. I'm just eternally frustrated at myself and how I relate to people.
Maybe I should just accept that this is how it happens when you're in a new place and nothing can change that, short of being the most charismatic person in the universe.
Today's experience: Meeting a bunch of kinksters at a bowling alley for the first time. After a huge drama involving about 500 Asian students taking over the place, I finally find who I'm meant to meet with but there were awkward turtles everywhere because I'm terrible at conversation with people I barely know, and I had just met about 12 at once. So, I faked it and watched a few people bowl instead of doing what I normally do (which is enter dear-in-headlights mode and do nothing) and talked to some of them. So at least I'm making progress. I mostly went to meet a certain individual, but he was super late and I was really eager to leave the turtles and go meet a friend somewhere I was comfortable so I never ended up meeting him. I was extremely frustrated at this because it feels like I launched myself wayyyy out of my comfort zone for nothing.
Last year I went to a social group for trans people not long after I had come out. I went, I knew no one at all, awkward turtles everywhere, I decided if I was just going to sit in a corner and be awkward I may as well do that at home, so I left early.
It's not that I'm awkward that's the problem, it's that it makes me angry at myself. I can't even put into words how much I hate myself when I feel really awkward around new people, I just want to scream at myself and hurt myself.
I touched on it a minute ago though. The event today and the event at the trans group made me so angry because it was for nothing. I didn't make any new friends, I didn't have a good time and it got in the way of doing something else I wanted to do. I'm just eternally frustrated at myself and how I relate to people.
Maybe I should just accept that this is how it happens when you're in a new place and nothing can change that, short of being the most charismatic person in the universe.
Go home to scream at the walls
I showed a friend my blog here. He said he didn't know I felt the way that I do. He said he thought I seriously didn't care what others thought, and that I just knew I was the shit. Self assured. Then he said that it was nice to know that I have these insecurities, because I guess I don't show them very often.
Which made me think about how people see other people. I can look at a transgirl a year older than I am and who is further along in transition and think, wow this person is amazing and awesome and infallible. It's easy to think that about pretty much everyone though, isn't it? Especially when you feel so insecure yourself. You think people around you are so much better than you because they don't have whatever problems you're dealing with. But the thing with that is that they're looking at everyone around them and thinking the same.
I am insanely insecure. I'm shy. I'm awkward. I get embarassed easy. I hate being the centre of attention. I always feel like I'll fuck up everything I do. I get stressed from tiny things. I go home and feel crazy and scream at the walls. But I try to seem like nothing bothers me. I try to act like everyone else so I might hope to fit in. I try really hard. It's nice knowing the act is working, but it's nicer knowing that my friend benefited in some way to knowing about the act. It's like seeing behind the stage at a play I guess, the suspension of disbelief is cracked and you get to see how the final result came to be when you see behind the scenes.
The thing about this is that I knew everyone has insecurities. I can spot them in a lot of people, and people can probably spot a few of mine. I suppose we get so caught up in the front-end and how we appear to people we neglect the back-end. People get so hooked on how they appear to others they rarely notice how others appear beyond the surface.
Which made me think about how people see other people. I can look at a transgirl a year older than I am and who is further along in transition and think, wow this person is amazing and awesome and infallible. It's easy to think that about pretty much everyone though, isn't it? Especially when you feel so insecure yourself. You think people around you are so much better than you because they don't have whatever problems you're dealing with. But the thing with that is that they're looking at everyone around them and thinking the same.
I am insanely insecure. I'm shy. I'm awkward. I get embarassed easy. I hate being the centre of attention. I always feel like I'll fuck up everything I do. I get stressed from tiny things. I go home and feel crazy and scream at the walls. But I try to seem like nothing bothers me. I try to act like everyone else so I might hope to fit in. I try really hard. It's nice knowing the act is working, but it's nicer knowing that my friend benefited in some way to knowing about the act. It's like seeing behind the stage at a play I guess, the suspension of disbelief is cracked and you get to see how the final result came to be when you see behind the scenes.
The thing about this is that I knew everyone has insecurities. I can spot them in a lot of people, and people can probably spot a few of mine. I suppose we get so caught up in the front-end and how we appear to people we neglect the back-end. People get so hooked on how they appear to others they rarely notice how others appear beyond the surface.
Friday 15 April 2011
I'm weak
I was helping my uncle move some heavy stuff today. It was so hard struggling through what I used to do with minimal effort. I am so amazingly tired. Muscle loss has hit me really hard. It's almost been a year of hrt, I guess if I didn't have this happen something would be wrong.
It's kinda scary to me to be so weak. I used to be so strong. I used to be able to lift heavy stuff all by myself for hours and hours. Now I struggle. It's a scary contrast. It's just one of the huge changes that kinda happen gradually. It's what I want though, so it's not like this is scary because I didn't want it to happen.
I guess it's just something I need to get used to. I wonder if helping my uncle with labour like this would stop I were out to him.
It's kinda scary to me to be so weak. I used to be so strong. I used to be able to lift heavy stuff all by myself for hours and hours. Now I struggle. It's a scary contrast. It's just one of the huge changes that kinda happen gradually. It's what I want though, so it's not like this is scary because I didn't want it to happen.
I guess it's just something I need to get used to. I wonder if helping my uncle with labour like this would stop I were out to him.
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Absolute neutral
There has been a surge of drama in a friend circle, mostly about one person. I don't like drama, or negativity like that. It decays everyone and puts a sour note into everything. I stayed out of it for the most part, and what little I did have to say I like to think was objectionable and rational. Whenever drama arises I just sit on the sidelines and watch, occasionally stopping someone from doing something they might regret if it comes to that. But being involved in drama? It's not my thing. The last drama I was involved in almost lost me my closest friend.
It makes me think about how I am most of the time. Indecisive and indifferent to most things. I don't even like it when I express opinions, mostly negative ones. Lately I seem to be level-headed and more what I want: neutral.
It's how I feel most of the time, even with my gender identity. While I don't really identify as genderqueer I don't really see myself as totally female, but rather a combination of male and female to make some kind of "both and neither" person. Maybe that is genderqueer, but I prefer gender fluid personally. If there's even a difference.
I just want people to get along, or at least realise that people are just going to be different and there's nothing you can do to change that. I hate hostility within groups, and built-up bottled-up hostility. I guess people will just be determined to not get along in some capacity. I don't mind. Just don't drag me into fights expecting me to take a side. Because I won't. I'm on my side.
It makes me think about how I am most of the time. Indecisive and indifferent to most things. I don't even like it when I express opinions, mostly negative ones. Lately I seem to be level-headed and more what I want: neutral.
It's how I feel most of the time, even with my gender identity. While I don't really identify as genderqueer I don't really see myself as totally female, but rather a combination of male and female to make some kind of "both and neither" person. Maybe that is genderqueer, but I prefer gender fluid personally. If there's even a difference.
I just want people to get along, or at least realise that people are just going to be different and there's nothing you can do to change that. I hate hostility within groups, and built-up bottled-up hostility. I guess people will just be determined to not get along in some capacity. I don't mind. Just don't drag me into fights expecting me to take a side. Because I won't. I'm on my side.
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Time for a new piercing
Yeahhh. A year of hrt is a milestone, and I celebrated my 3 months by getting my ear pierced. It helped me get over my needle phobia and I feel like it was a nice acknowledgement of the event. I'll probably just get one on the same ear above the 3-month one. After this I don't know if I'm going to get more hrt related piercings. I probably will for other trans-related milestones though. If I ever get The Op I think it would be a little overkill to get one acknowledging that, as it's basically a piercing all in itself. But maybe orchi? Maybe when I train my voice? I like having mementoes.
All of my piercings have meaning. So far, I have (in order) tongue, labret, left ear (2), right ear industrial.
My tongue and labret are there to remind me of someone who was very close and very special to me.
My left ear is there for 3 months hrt. It's also there to remind me of some things someone taught me.
My industrial is there to remind me to not let my fears stop me from doing what I want, and to remind me that needles won't kill me.
My other left earring is to remind me I'm loved.
I love piercings, and talking about them with people. I don't know if I'll ever get a tattoo, it's too permanent for my liking.
All of my piercings have meaning. So far, I have (in order) tongue, labret, left ear (2), right ear industrial.
My tongue and labret are there to remind me of someone who was very close and very special to me.
My left ear is there for 3 months hrt. It's also there to remind me of some things someone taught me.
My industrial is there to remind me to not let my fears stop me from doing what I want, and to remind me that needles won't kill me.
My other left earring is to remind me I'm loved.
I love piercings, and talking about them with people. I don't know if I'll ever get a tattoo, it's too permanent for my liking.
Monday 11 April 2011
Mass Effect log pt2
I finished the game :\ I don't get it, I thought it was supposed to be long and deep and massive, but I finished it in about 25 hours.
Ok, let's reassess that sentence so I can maybe get a better appreciation of the scope. Most mainstream games are built to last, what? 12 hours? 10? 5? I guess I'm too used to endless games that are meant to be repetitive (TF2 and CS:S). 25 hours is a pretty good length. I was just expecting more I guess, cos I did a lot of side quests.
Ah well, final stats:
Female Soldier
Paragon
Love interest was Liara
Main party members were Garrus and Liara
Level 35 I think, I stopped checking after 27
Now, I can either try to justify the $40 for Mass Effect 2, or I can work on another game on my to-do list. I think I'll play the Oddworld series next.
Ok, let's reassess that sentence so I can maybe get a better appreciation of the scope. Most mainstream games are built to last, what? 12 hours? 10? 5? I guess I'm too used to endless games that are meant to be repetitive (TF2 and CS:S). 25 hours is a pretty good length. I was just expecting more I guess, cos I did a lot of side quests.
Ah well, final stats:
Female Soldier
Paragon
Love interest was Liara
Main party members were Garrus and Liara
Level 35 I think, I stopped checking after 27
Now, I can either try to justify the $40 for Mass Effect 2, or I can work on another game on my to-do list. I think I'll play the Oddworld series next.
Last night I went out to a bar I love. It hosts weekly drag shows and only drag kings on friday nights. I usually take my toy octopus Ralph there and rest him on my head. He takes away a lot of my people-related anxiety, because if I have him on my head and people stare, they're looking at him. If I don't have him on my head and people stare, they're looking at me. But it's also a nice way to meet people, it's surprising how approachable someone becomes when they have a plush octopus on their head. He has since evolved beyond a security blanket and more of a mascot.
On friday when we went in, the drag host was working the door. He asked where Ralph was, which was a bit weird because I don't think I've had a conversation with him before. But whatever, I always have Ralph with me, and I go there a lot. Then when he went on stage he plugged the trans group I go to and said that we have a few people from the group in here tonight, mentioned my friend and then me. That was weird. He knew my name?
The same thing happened last night, I went to the bar for a drink and he was there and said "Hey Bailey"
It's so weird for this to happen to me. To be a regular somewhere that isn't Subway. I used to hate bars, but now I've found one where I'm comfortable and that's nearby.
This also extends into the subcommunity I've found myself in. Finding trans and queer people my age was the best thing I could have done. I love my new friends. They make me feel so comfortable with myself and I love the fact that everyone seems to know each other. I never thought I'd be able to find a group of people like this, let alone be welcomed into one.
I must make a conscious effort to not make a dick of myself from now on.
On friday when we went in, the drag host was working the door. He asked where Ralph was, which was a bit weird because I don't think I've had a conversation with him before. But whatever, I always have Ralph with me, and I go there a lot. Then when he went on stage he plugged the trans group I go to and said that we have a few people from the group in here tonight, mentioned my friend and then me. That was weird. He knew my name?
The same thing happened last night, I went to the bar for a drink and he was there and said "Hey Bailey"
It's so weird for this to happen to me. To be a regular somewhere that isn't Subway. I used to hate bars, but now I've found one where I'm comfortable and that's nearby.
This also extends into the subcommunity I've found myself in. Finding trans and queer people my age was the best thing I could have done. I love my new friends. They make me feel so comfortable with myself and I love the fact that everyone seems to know each other. I never thought I'd be able to find a group of people like this, let alone be welcomed into one.
I must make a conscious effort to not make a dick of myself from now on.
Saturday 9 April 2011
Song 30/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
:( Last one.
Song 30: Your favourite song this time last year.
Take a Picture, by Filter.
Easy song to pick, I was obsessed with this song for a long time. I started listening to it for mildly nostalgic reasons, this was "one of those songs you know but don't know the name of" to me, the riff and the singer's soft "I feel like a newborn" in the chorus was fairly popular in movies and TV when I was younger, at least it seemed to be. When I got over the nostalgia value, I noticed just how beautiful the song is. I've talked about perfect songs before, and to me, this is one of them.
It's rather bizarre that I love this song so much. I usually like music for it's lyrical content over the music, but the lyrics don't resonate with me much at all. It's about the lead singer getting drunk on a plane (awake on my airplane) and taking off all his clothes (my skin is bare) while people took photos (my skin is theirs / take a picture), and apparently his dad was disappointed (hey dad what do you think about your son now?). I find the way he sings it in combination with the accoustic guitar just amazing, it's so smooth and articulated and it just captures me.
:( Last one.
Song 30: Your favourite song this time last year.
Take a Picture, by Filter.
Easy song to pick, I was obsessed with this song for a long time. I started listening to it for mildly nostalgic reasons, this was "one of those songs you know but don't know the name of" to me, the riff and the singer's soft "I feel like a newborn" in the chorus was fairly popular in movies and TV when I was younger, at least it seemed to be. When I got over the nostalgia value, I noticed just how beautiful the song is. I've talked about perfect songs before, and to me, this is one of them.
It's rather bizarre that I love this song so much. I usually like music for it's lyrical content over the music, but the lyrics don't resonate with me much at all. It's about the lead singer getting drunk on a plane (awake on my airplane) and taking off all his clothes (my skin is bare) while people took photos (my skin is theirs / take a picture), and apparently his dad was disappointed (hey dad what do you think about your son now?). I find the way he sings it in combination with the accoustic guitar just amazing, it's so smooth and articulated and it just captures me.
Friday 8 April 2011
Song 29/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 29: A song from your childhood.
Here we go. Another easy one. I saw this one last week and have been looking forward to it for a long time. One of the few songs that reminds me of actual happy times from childhood, like playing with friends at school. In a way, this shaped my love of music, because this is by my first favourite band and a band I still take quite a lot of inspiration from. I still don't know what fly means, but whatever, Pretty Fly For a White Guy, by The Offspring, remains one of my favourite songs and always reminds me of my childhood.
One song left...
Song 29: A song from your childhood.
Here we go. Another easy one. I saw this one last week and have been looking forward to it for a long time. One of the few songs that reminds me of actual happy times from childhood, like playing with friends at school. In a way, this shaped my love of music, because this is by my first favourite band and a band I still take quite a lot of inspiration from. I still don't know what fly means, but whatever, Pretty Fly For a White Guy, by The Offspring, remains one of my favourite songs and always reminds me of my childhood.
One song left...
Thursday 7 April 2011
Song 28/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 28: A song that makes you feel guilty.
It never gets old, huh?
Harking back to my least favourite song, this song makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm not living life to its fullest. There is so much to experience, so much to learn, to see, to feel, and I'm not doing it, nor am I making progress towards doing it. While this song is amazing and inspirational, it also shows me how much wasted potential I have, and indeed what most people have. I look at my family and I think is this it? Is this all they want? A normal relationship, kids, a home? There's no excitement there, not for me anyway. I want to explore the world, myself, other people, expand my mind in every possible way and maybe some impossible ways too.
The world is just awesome. It's a huge, inspirational, random, fascinating, unbelievable, mysterious, growing, scary, intimidating, amazing, beautiful world out there and I want to experience it for myself.
Song 28: A song that makes you feel guilty.
It never gets old, huh?
Harking back to my least favourite song, this song makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm not living life to its fullest. There is so much to experience, so much to learn, to see, to feel, and I'm not doing it, nor am I making progress towards doing it. While this song is amazing and inspirational, it also shows me how much wasted potential I have, and indeed what most people have. I look at my family and I think is this it? Is this all they want? A normal relationship, kids, a home? There's no excitement there, not for me anyway. I want to explore the world, myself, other people, expand my mind in every possible way and maybe some impossible ways too.
The world is just awesome. It's a huge, inspirational, random, fascinating, unbelievable, mysterious, growing, scary, intimidating, amazing, beautiful world out there and I want to experience it for myself.
Song 27/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 27: A song you wish you could play.
I just want to learn how to play lots of music, various styles and skill levels. There is no one absolute song. However, to get completely ahead of myself and into a realm I can only imagine, I would love to be able to play The Dance of Eternity, by Dream Theater, on bass.
Man, only 3 left...
Song 27: A song you wish you could play.
I just want to learn how to play lots of music, various styles and skill levels. There is no one absolute song. However, to get completely ahead of myself and into a realm I can only imagine, I would love to be able to play The Dance of Eternity, by Dream Theater, on bass.
Man, only 3 left...
Wednesday 6 April 2011
Mass Effect log
I've finally got into Mass Effect. There was a lot of issues with my computer overheating while playing it, various blue screens and just straight up confusion on what exactly was going on, but it's all fixed by moving the computer to where it can breathe, changing some settings and paying a lot more attention, respectively.
I'm going the Paragon route, I made a female character and called her Ylatch. Currently on lvl27 I think and I'm a Soldier, my main party members are Garrus and Liara, Liara also being my main love interest. Mono-gendered blue alien with tentacle hair? How could I possibly resist?
I just had Wrex killed :( I'm actually really sad about that too, but I mustn't have high enough exp in one area cos I couldn't work through it with him, and he was about to kill me. I have also sent Kaidan to his death on the same planet, he was my love interest until I found Liara. I sent him away to prove my undying love for Liara :)
I am wondering if I'll get a new krogan, because well... there's a big black field on my party screen now.
RIP Wrex
I'm going the Paragon route, I made a female character and called her Ylatch. Currently on lvl27 I think and I'm a Soldier, my main party members are Garrus and Liara, Liara also being my main love interest. Mono-gendered blue alien with tentacle hair? How could I possibly resist?
I just had Wrex killed :( I'm actually really sad about that too, but I mustn't have high enough exp in one area cos I couldn't work through it with him, and he was about to kill me. I have also sent Kaidan to his death on the same planet, he was my love interest until I found Liara. I sent him away to prove my undying love for Liara :)
I am wondering if I'll get a new krogan, because well... there's a big black field on my party screen now.
RIP Wrex
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Songs 25 + 26/30
I didn't do yesterday's song, I was distracted by things...
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 25: A song that makes you laugh.
Man, my friend put me onto Tim Minchin. I knew about him already, but I never bothered to look him up more. He showed me Storm, which is very clever and has amazing delivery. Well, it's actually a beat poem but whatever, it's close enough to a song to be called a song.
Song 26: A song you can play on an instrument.
Well well well... I used to play the violin, then when I went to high school I learned the tenor saxophone. At the time, I was obsessed with the muppets and I saw the older school band perform The Muppet Show theme song and asked for the sheet music so I could play it. I didn't practice much but I was still pretty ok at the sax. The sax teacher didn't give me the music because I didn't practice much, so I struck a deal. I'd practice more, and if I showed noticable improvement he'd give me the sheet music for The Muppet Show. I practiced my ass off for 3 weeks, 2 to 5 hours a night except weekends, and proved it by showing a big improvement. He kept his end of the deal and gave me the sheet music. It was fucking awesome, since I already knew the tune I picked it up and could play half of it flawlessly in half an hours' practice.
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 25: A song that makes you laugh.
Man, my friend put me onto Tim Minchin. I knew about him already, but I never bothered to look him up more. He showed me Storm, which is very clever and has amazing delivery. Well, it's actually a beat poem but whatever, it's close enough to a song to be called a song.
Song 26: A song you can play on an instrument.
Well well well... I used to play the violin, then when I went to high school I learned the tenor saxophone. At the time, I was obsessed with the muppets and I saw the older school band perform The Muppet Show theme song and asked for the sheet music so I could play it. I didn't practice much but I was still pretty ok at the sax. The sax teacher didn't give me the music because I didn't practice much, so I struck a deal. I'd practice more, and if I showed noticable improvement he'd give me the sheet music for The Muppet Show. I practiced my ass off for 3 weeks, 2 to 5 hours a night except weekends, and proved it by showing a big improvement. He kept his end of the deal and gave me the sheet music. It was fucking awesome, since I already knew the tune I picked it up and could play half of it flawlessly in half an hours' practice.
Monday 4 April 2011
Caring vs not caring
I had this thought while waking up.
People who dress differently apparently don't care what others think of them. I've slowly becoming more feminine in my male appearance, so I guess that means I don't care what others think, right? Fuck the establishment and all that.
Well, maybe not. I love being "mistaken" for female when in boy mode, so I take every opportunity I can to make sure that mistake happens, sans wearing a skirt. If I didn't care what people thought I would just dress like a normal masculine guy while in boy mode. Yet I dress fem. I say I don't care what others think, but I guess that's not true, I want to be seen as female, as who I am.
I care what people think. I want them to think female when they see me.
I guess this also means that I care about myself a bit more to actually dress so fem in boy mode. Or maybe I'm just brave enough now. Fem guys tend to stand out a bit, so obviously I draw some attention by having hair half way down my back, blue nails, girls hoodie and girls jeans. Writing that out just made me realise how fucking little there is between girl/boy for me lately.
I suppose it comes down to what kind of attention, because there is more than just gender-stereotyping attention people get. Granted, there's a whole mental checklist people go through when they see someone new, with what gender is that person pretty much at the top, but then once that's over there's a whole list of stuff to follow: What race are they? Are they attractive? Do they look like a nice person? Should I carry a knife from now on?
I dunno, I do care what people think, otherwise I wouldn't look this way when in boy mode. I guess it's just a positive way to care, and it's not like others dictate my dress sense... even though they do because feminine is a hypothetical construct made by people and to be seen as "different" you have to have something to be different from, and usually that thing is established by others...
Did I mention I had this thought while waking up?
People who dress differently apparently don't care what others think of them. I've slowly becoming more feminine in my male appearance, so I guess that means I don't care what others think, right? Fuck the establishment and all that.
Well, maybe not. I love being "mistaken" for female when in boy mode, so I take every opportunity I can to make sure that mistake happens, sans wearing a skirt. If I didn't care what people thought I would just dress like a normal masculine guy while in boy mode. Yet I dress fem. I say I don't care what others think, but I guess that's not true, I want to be seen as female, as who I am.
I care what people think. I want them to think female when they see me.
I guess this also means that I care about myself a bit more to actually dress so fem in boy mode. Or maybe I'm just brave enough now. Fem guys tend to stand out a bit, so obviously I draw some attention by having hair half way down my back, blue nails, girls hoodie and girls jeans. Writing that out just made me realise how fucking little there is between girl/boy for me lately.
I suppose it comes down to what kind of attention, because there is more than just gender-stereotyping attention people get. Granted, there's a whole mental checklist people go through when they see someone new, with what gender is that person pretty much at the top, but then once that's over there's a whole list of stuff to follow: What race are they? Are they attractive? Do they look like a nice person? Should I carry a knife from now on?
I dunno, I do care what people think, otherwise I wouldn't look this way when in boy mode. I guess it's just a positive way to care, and it's not like others dictate my dress sense... even though they do because feminine is a hypothetical construct made by people and to be seen as "different" you have to have something to be different from, and usually that thing is established by others...
Did I mention I had this thought while waking up?
Sunday 3 April 2011
The sex dreams have returned
For about 3 weeks I was having some fairly intense sex dreams about someone I know. I've never had a sex dream before I started transitioning, which is a bold claim but I remember dreams very well. They are very vivid and tie into a lot of my submissive fantasies, but I won't get into the specifics of the dreams.
They are extremely frustrating to me. Since starting hormones I've gone from passively wanting sex and affection to craving physical attention; hugs, leaning on someone, just being physically near someone. What's frustrating about that is that it's being wasted on pillows and toy octopus instead of the thing I'm craving: someone.
I've been trying to push these fantasies and thoughts about sex out of my head for a long time, bottle them up I guess. I know it isn't healthy, but since I am monumentally bad at anything even resembling dating and have screwed up many opportunities lately, I don't want to think about it all anymore. I don't need these thoughts, these cravings, they take up my headspace. I want them gone.
The worst part is I'm too timid to do anything about it. I love hugs but I feel like I need a reason to hug someone, even though I know that other people like hugs too. I have a hard time believing anyone would want hugs from me, let alone anything more. Maybe the dreams are about how much I dislike myself, or how little I think of myself... I guess I feel like I don't deserve anyone, and I hate my sexual desires, and feel like I'm wrong for wanting what I want.
They are extremely frustrating to me. Since starting hormones I've gone from passively wanting sex and affection to craving physical attention; hugs, leaning on someone, just being physically near someone. What's frustrating about that is that it's being wasted on pillows and toy octopus instead of the thing I'm craving: someone.
I've been trying to push these fantasies and thoughts about sex out of my head for a long time, bottle them up I guess. I know it isn't healthy, but since I am monumentally bad at anything even resembling dating and have screwed up many opportunities lately, I don't want to think about it all anymore. I don't need these thoughts, these cravings, they take up my headspace. I want them gone.
The worst part is I'm too timid to do anything about it. I love hugs but I feel like I need a reason to hug someone, even though I know that other people like hugs too. I have a hard time believing anyone would want hugs from me, let alone anything more. Maybe the dreams are about how much I dislike myself, or how little I think of myself... I guess I feel like I don't deserve anyone, and I hate my sexual desires, and feel like I'm wrong for wanting what I want.
Song 24/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 24: A song you want played at your funeral.
Miss Blue, by Filter. It's so pretty, and sad.
Song 24: A song you want played at your funeral.
Miss Blue, by Filter. It's so pretty, and sad.
Saturday 2 April 2011
Song 23/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 23: A song you want played at your wedding.
Well now... this is tricky. I haven't thought about my wedding, like at all. I went through a big Sigur Ros phase, that band has a lot of beautiful music. One of the few songs I still love by them is Ágaetis Byrjun, which means "an alright start". I think I'd want that played at my wedding, it's a beautiful and perfect song.
Song 23: A song you want played at your wedding.
Well now... this is tricky. I haven't thought about my wedding, like at all. I went through a big Sigur Ros phase, that band has a lot of beautiful music. One of the few songs I still love by them is Ágaetis Byrjun, which means "an alright start". I think I'd want that played at my wedding, it's a beautiful and perfect song.
Friday 1 April 2011
Song 22/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 22: A song you listen to when you're sad.
This is a really easy one. There is a live version of Meds, by Placebo, that is quite depressing. I didn't really like Meds before I heard this version, and even now, it's the only version I like.
Song 22: A song you listen to when you're sad.
This is a really easy one. There is a live version of Meds, by Placebo, that is quite depressing. I didn't really like Meds before I heard this version, and even now, it's the only version I like.
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