For about 3 weeks I was having some fairly intense sex dreams about someone I know. I've never had a sex dream before I started transitioning, which is a bold claim but I remember dreams very well. They are very vivid and tie into a lot of my submissive fantasies, but I won't get into the specifics of the dreams.
They are extremely frustrating to me. Since starting hormones I've gone from passively wanting sex and affection to craving physical attention; hugs, leaning on someone, just being physically near someone. What's frustrating about that is that it's being wasted on pillows and toy octopus instead of the thing I'm craving: someone.
I've been trying to push these fantasies and thoughts about sex out of my head for a long time, bottle them up I guess. I know it isn't healthy, but since I am monumentally bad at anything even resembling dating and have screwed up many opportunities lately, I don't want to think about it all anymore. I don't need these thoughts, these cravings, they take up my headspace. I want them gone.
The worst part is I'm too timid to do anything about it. I love hugs but I feel like I need a reason to hug someone, even though I know that other people like hugs too. I have a hard time believing anyone would want hugs from me, let alone anything more. Maybe the dreams are about how much I dislike myself, or how little I think of myself... I guess I feel like I don't deserve anyone, and I hate my sexual desires, and feel like I'm wrong for wanting what I want.
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