Caring vs not caring

I had this thought while waking up.

People who dress differently apparently don't care what others think of them. I've slowly becoming more feminine in my male appearance, so I guess that means I don't care what others think, right? Fuck the establishment and all that.

Well, maybe not. I love being "mistaken" for female when in boy mode, so I take every opportunity I can to make sure that mistake happens, sans wearing a skirt. If I didn't care what people thought I would just dress like a normal masculine guy while in boy mode. Yet I dress fem. I say I don't care what others think, but I guess that's not true, I want to be seen as female, as who I am.

I care what people think. I want them to think female when they see me.

I guess this also means that I care about myself a bit more to actually dress so fem in boy mode. Or maybe I'm just brave enough now. Fem guys tend to stand out a bit, so obviously I draw some attention by having hair half way down my back, blue nails, girls hoodie and girls jeans. Writing that out just made me realise how fucking little there is between girl/boy for me lately.

I suppose it comes down to what kind of attention, because there is more than just gender-stereotyping attention people get. Granted, there's a whole mental checklist people go through when they see someone new, with what gender is that person pretty much at the top, but then once that's over there's a whole list of stuff to follow: What race are they? Are they attractive? Do they look like a nice person? Should I carry a knife from now on?

I dunno, I do care what people think, otherwise I wouldn't look this way when in boy mode. I guess it's just a positive way to care, and it's not like others dictate my dress sense... even though they do because feminine is a hypothetical construct made by people and to be seen as "different" you have to have something to be different from, and usually that thing is established by others...

Did I mention I had this thought while waking up?