Hiding

I am good at hiding my desires and urges. I rarely let them show, and if I do, it's in a harmless way, like a joke. That's mostly me testing the waters. But beyond that, I hide a lot. There's only one person in the world who knows pretty much everything about me, and that has a lot to do with the fact he doesn't even live in this state. Before I came out to mum, she had no idea that I was trans, or was bi/pan, or that I'd even had sex. That's a lot to keep hidden.

Being in the closet about everything made me good at hiding other things. But the problem is I almost never let my guard down about anything. I'm too scared to. That's mostly why I made this blog, to get used to the idea of not needing to censor myself. To run free. To write down what I actually think and want.

I told this to a friend, and he said that you don't need to let everyone around you know everything about you. I know that, but it's not what I mean. I mean, it's hard to open up in any capacity. For example, I saw a drag queen perform who really caught my attention. My friend asked me what I liked about her, and I said I don't know. That was a lie. I knew. I still remember. She was wearing a short dress, corset, nice tats, pretended to do a line of coke and then rolled around on the floor to a pop-industrial song I love.

The good part is I'm aware of this, and how much it sucks. I've lost some really good opportunities by being shy about these things. I just need a way to snap out of it. Practice makes perfect I suppose.