Today I had a very... well, I don't want to call it bad but it wasn't a very good experience either. It was detinitely negative. But it reminded me of other experiences I've had.
Today's experience: Meeting a bunch of kinksters at a bowling alley for the first time. After a huge drama involving about 500 Asian students taking over the place, I finally find who I'm meant to meet with but there were awkward turtles everywhere because I'm terrible at conversation with people I barely know, and I had just met about 12 at once. So, I faked it and watched a few people bowl instead of doing what I normally do (which is enter dear-in-headlights mode and do nothing) and talked to some of them. So at least I'm making progress. I mostly went to meet a certain individual, but he was super late and I was really eager to leave the turtles and go meet a friend somewhere I was comfortable so I never ended up meeting him. I was extremely frustrated at this because it feels like I launched myself wayyyy out of my comfort zone for nothing.
Last year I went to a social group for trans people not long after I had come out. I went, I knew no one at all, awkward turtles everywhere, I decided if I was just going to sit in a corner and be awkward I may as well do that at home, so I left early.
It's not that I'm awkward that's the problem, it's that it makes me angry at myself. I can't even put into words how much I hate myself when I feel really awkward around new people, I just want to scream at myself and hurt myself.
I touched on it a minute ago though. The event today and the event at the trans group made me so angry because it was for nothing. I didn't make any new friends, I didn't have a good time and it got in the way of doing something else I wanted to do. I'm just eternally frustrated at myself and how I relate to people.
Maybe I should just accept that this is how it happens when you're in a new place and nothing can change that, short of being the most charismatic person in the universe.
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