Another time, another place, another person

In 2006 I met a girl, J, who I fell in love with, and who loved me back. We lived on opposite sides of the country though, and my anxiety was severe at the time. She came to visit, and I was awkward, and shy, and scared, and anxious, and unsure...

We broke up at some point, and slowly stopped talking. No communication for years.

We've been back in touch, and it's great talking to her again. We knew each other inside and out all those years ago, and we can still talk for ages and ages despite how much we've both changed. Talking to her now, it's kinda scary to see how drastic the change is. We're both completely different people, or rather, more amplified versions of ourselves. We're both still kinky, into piercings, into the same kind of lifestyles and really open.

She reminds me of how cloudy life was. How much I couldn't comprehend, and didn't see. How small my world was. I was in high school, and I could barely leave the house because of my anxiety and depression. I remember life with her involved quite vividly, so it's quite amazing to see myself here and now, and to look back on recent memories and sit in stunned silence that it's the same person.

She set the trend for people I would later date, and made me realise my capacity for caring for someone. She gave me a glimpse into the lifestyle I wanted. She gave me the most intimate night of my life so far. My benchmark for others. My realisation that no matter how amazing someone is, they have flaws, and sometimes gaping ones.

If it sounds like I'm still in love with her, I kinda am. You never really get over your first love, right? Not that I'm trying to validate my feelings for her, I've been dealing with them for over half a decade, and I've put them in their place. But every now and then I see a picture of her, or read something of hers, and I'm instantly that awkward teenage boy again, the one obsessed with that person larger than life, wishing he could be half as amazing as them.

Physical

For a while, I'd been talking to a boy who was interested in meeting up with me for sex. I was hesitant to say yes, for a variety of reasons, some of which are tied up in the last few entries here.

It was a fantastic stress-relief, and a boost of self-esteem and confidence. I'd been going a little crazy from the lack of intimacy and physical attention in my life, and my ability to get it. It was kinda scary though, because I haven't done anything like that for years. He was nice though, and was understanding, and experienced.

When the time came for penetration, I lost my nerve for a minute, but I went through, and I'm glad I did. It was incredible. It sounds insane for someone who blogs about kink so much, but missionary position is fucking incredible. Having him on top, moving my legs sometimes, looking down... nothing else like it.

Too bad he lives so far away. Won't see him again for a long while.

Wanting isn't evil

I have trouble expressing what I want, especially when it comes to sex. I dealt with a lot of assholes when I was younger, who either disregarded what I wanted or ignored it. So I'm a bit hesitant to say what I want, because I'm not used to it mattering, or having someone use it against me. So when it comes to most of my life, I hide what I want. I pretend I don't want it.

This likely has a lot to do with my self worth, and even my weird passive aggressiveness with feeling ignored. It makes sense in my head: if I tell someone I want something from them, they will intentionally not give it to me to make me suffer, or set me up for a bigger fall later by agreeing and backing out later. Again, I can understand, in my head, how 99% of people won't do this with that motivation in mind. In my warped mind, by showing minimal interest I'll get what I want, because showing enough interest to do it, but not enough for people to hurt me from it, will get me what I want.

It's hard to remember when it happens though. It's so hard to remind myself they're not doing this to hurt me, and being hurt is just a result of it, not the intention.

I've been getting in practice with saying what I want, and it's rather freeing. I've been talking to a boy who's coming over monday, and we've both been saying what turns us on, what we like. I almost fell into my usual trap with him, and started to be really blase with him. But I was talking to someone about him, and their boytoy, and I realised that he wants this too. I didn't want to come on too strong, nor did I want to show I really wanted this, but I showed it to him today, and was received with massive positivity.

I feel good. I can't wait for monday.

Genuine positivity

I keep a diary, one apart from this blog. It's where I dump my crazy, whereas here is where I focus more on ideas and revelations. It's basically Unfiltered Ylatch, where I don't force myself to be positive or happy or even write with a purpose. It's just where I write what's on my mind, even if I've written it a thousand times before, even if it's depressing, even if it's a half finished thought.

Last night I was writing in it, moaning about wanting more kink in my life, when I wrote something amazingly positive and it only hit me well after I'd written it. I wrote a personal ad, after Serina suggested it, and I did it after a lot of stress, because I can't even begin to sell myself.

Unless it's an extremely slow boil, I got no hits. What I wrote about it was "at least I got practice in to actually say what I want". Which is true, it was good practice, especially for someone who doesn't ever really see good in themselves, or anything anyone else would want. I'm not even disappointed about the ad, because they never work anyway.

I keep flipflopping in my mental state and confidence. Tomorrow night a kink event is on that I've been invited to, but the closer it gets the less I want to go. At this point it doesn't even matter if I like the event or not, because I just need to get the confidence up, to show a bit more of myself in this community. Whenever I meet these kinds of people one on one, I have a great time, they're super friendly and awesome and make me feel good about going to events. But at the events, the people are... it's like highschool again. Everyone is in their own isolated circles, and it's fucking hard to break in.

Accept

My mental state is somewhat positive lately. I have a playdate on monday, and I've just generally been feeling good about myself.

This is, of course, after contrast to how I've been feeling lately. And For how bad I felt, it didn't last as long as it usually does. I was going kinda crazy, because I wanted some kink in my life again, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. So instead of sulking and complaining, I asked Serina what I was doing wrong, because she knows more about the community than I do.

So at least now I have a direction. It felt nice to just accept I was feeling shit about it, that I was doing something wrong, but didn't know what.

Proximity pt2

Taking a break from all things kink. Or rather, sitting in the corner with my ears covered and going lalalalala trying to drown it out. I'm starting to hate thinking about kink.

I threw all my stuffed toys off my bed tonight. In some way I blame them. They'll probably be back, I just don't know when.

Proximity

It was Carnival today, which marks 3 years in the trans community for me. It's a nice thing I can set my watch to, Carnival will always be a big thing for me, even if it's terrible, which it was today. But that's not what this post is about.

While I was there, I saw an abnormal amount of people in leather, and latex, and corsets... There are usually a dozen wandering around, but not this many. It kinda made me feel really self-conscious, because, well... I want what they have. All of them were with someone, holding hands. It's hard being around other kinky people right now, and hearing about their stories of the kinky things they do.

In about two weeks is pride march, and I got this idea in my head that I want someone to put me on a leash for it, which is all well and good, but I don't know anyone. So that's frustrating.

An interesting thing is that I want to be on a leash during pride march at all. Usually I can't wait to pile in with the various trans groups and wave to the people, but I guess having no means of kink right now has made me crave it so intensely that I want to show off that side of me. Last year there was some kind of kink group in the parade, maybe there will be again this year.

The worst thing is, the longer I'm out of it the more awkward I get around it.

Want and Confidence

On new years my friend dyed my hair black and blue. I never thought I'd have the confidence to dye my hair, I always thought I'd regret it and miss my brown hair. But I love it, and I love wearing it. It makes me feel better about existing in the world.

Years ago I got the idea to dye my hair, but I chickened out. What will everyone think? What will they say? Now, I don't really care.

I've also done something else that I've wanted for a while, and got my nipples pierced. The actual getting was awful, but made better by a wonderful piercer and Serina getting me lunch. Afterwards, though... the high I felt was intense. I was so proud of myself.

It barely even registered that I was topless in front of a stranger. Actually about 4 strangers, the piercer's boy was there and two students came in while I was taking a break and lounging around topless, they didn't react so neither did I. Maybe body confidence comes from accepting your own body, rather than changing it to what you want it to be...

Confidence is a really nice thing. It's kinda nice to be in a position where I can appreciate my own confidence, because I come from a place where I didn't have any.

Close. Far. Close.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, years, maybe over a decade. I didn't really want it to be true, because... it seemed too obvious. But I think I have some really heavy abandonment issues with no understanding of how to cope with them.

Whenever someone lets me down in some way, I usually just... ignore them, or avoid them, and if I have to interact with them I just do the absolute bare minimum. I get it into my head that they let me down on purpose, so they don't like me, so it won't matter if they think I hate them. But then, after being exposed to the person again for a while, I see that they don't hate me, and that almost all of this is in my head.

There's a really fucked up logic to this, in my brain. I feel like a dog, if I don't see someone for a while I get super happy when I do see them and basically wanna just hug them and wag my tail and stare at them for a while. But if they're the person that let me down, I feel like not being happy they're back is some kind of stupid punishment, where my sadness causes them pain. Which explains why it takes a phenominal amount of effort to do something positive for myself when I'm down, like playing a game or actually trying to be happy.

On top of that kind of "punishment", I also feel like if there's no repurcussion they feel like they can just do it again, and again. That might be true, but it's obvious I never actually communicate when I'm let down, and why. Instead, my stupid little ritual only makes me feel worse with no other results, because most of the time it just goes over the person's head.

This is what living inside my head is like. It's any wonder I want to leave the planet.

Worth

So... the last 5 or 6 months have had a spiraling theme lurking above them, and many things have resulted from it.

I could point out specific events and people, but I won't. The end result of most negative things that happened last year was that I felt like I didn't matter, and while I usually bounced back with my mood that has stuck.

Over the new years I stayed at a friends, because it's kinda tradition now to spend NYE with them. But the entire time I was there I felt really guilty about existing in their space, like I was some alien or I was forcing them to have me there when they didn't want me to.

There are things I want, some from myself and some from other people, but most of the time I feel like I'm not worth it. I want to study, but I don't feel like I would be worth the money it would take to do a course.

How do you get past this? I want to care about myself again, I want to feel even a little bit valuable to someone, but every step I take just moves me backwards.

Friendships

I'm rather... extreme when it comes to friendships.

I feel a huge need to share everything with someone. It's hard for me to have multiple people fulfill multiple aspects of me with little overlap between them. I'm almost a serial monogomist, but with best friends instead of lovers. Sometimes the two overlapped but not much until the last few years.

I have issues connecting with people sometimes, so when I find someone who I can share almost everything with I latch on. This is the longest I've gone in about 10 years without a person like that and I'm really feeling the itch. Serina is a good part-time version of this person, but I can only see that decreasing in the future, even though we're really close.

It's really hard to find this kind of person when you're not doing anything with your life. I miss having someone I can do everything with, and always talk to.