External Monsters

It's getting to a point where something has to give.

A while ago I had a realisation that I actually like my life, except for my living conditions. It's impossible to live here, with her. I can't take being blamed for things that aren't my fault, having small things be blown out of proportion, have my own computer being taken up for hours and hours and then be made to feel guilty for wanting it back. The amount of times she gets angry at me for not doing what she doesn't ask me to do...

I don't know what to do.

This makes me feel like I have nowhere to go, no home, nowhere I can just... exist.

Future

My first radio show went really well. I was so nervous, but when it came time to actually talk it was so easy. The co-host of the show is super cool as well, and told me I'd almost definitely love to do a media course, and that really resonated with me.

I'd never thought about it before. For a while now, I'd always wanted to go back to school to do something, but I could never figure out what. In the last 6 months I've been getting really heavily back into film, and now I have a gig on the radio to talk about horror and share a huge passion of mine. A friend of mine, who I haven't seen in years, messaged me out of the blue saying this radio thing is the most perfect thing in the universe I could do.

So it all kinda makes sense right now. It just seems like the next logical step. Last time I went down this road, I did it because I had no idea what I wanted to do, and I really wasn't in a headspace to decide, so I just went with what people told me. But now... Even though this is all happening by luck and external suggestions, no one is pushing me into anything. If I don't do this, I can still continue my existence how I see fit.

I quite like this idea.

Movie geek's dream come true

Flaunting your passions has its advantages. A friend who works at a radio station asked me a month ago if I would be interested in going on a radio show to review movies, specifically horror movies. Of course I was interested, but my anxieties stopped me from jumping at it. I went in tonight to meet the host of the show, and sat in on a show, and I felt amazingly comfortable.

I talked to her afterwards and asked her what she wanted me to do, and a bunch of other questions, and was really happy with the answer. We got along great, geeked out about horror (which I haven't done with someone in 5 years).

Since this is a serious radio station, there are really cool perks to this as well. Free passes to movies, conventions, interviews... I might even get to meet a director or writer! If I do well, I might even be able to use this to move on somewhere bigger. I'm really daring to dream here when I say there may be a career somewhere here. Maybe. I would love to have my life focused around this.

My friend asked me about this because he knows I'm a horror nut, and thinks I'm smart. Which is flattering. I've loved horror movies pretty much all my life, so it's nice that there's the potential they can take me somewhere. I'm so insanely excited, but I'm trying to stay grounded and just go with the flow. If it doesn't go anywhere, then it doesn't. But I can still hope.

Pride

Today was the pride march in my city. I didn't go.

Last night I was torturing myself about it. I didn't want to go, I knew I didn't have the energy, but I felt like I should go. I remembered Carnival, two weeks ago, and how awful it was. Eventually, I landed on the decision to just not go, and to sleep in, because I really needed to catch up on energy.

 I was surprised when I felt relief, and not guilt, which is what I was expecting. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I was expecting to feel like I'd let the community down, or myself and my transness, if that makes sense. But I know plenty of people who didn't go last year and are involved in the community.

So I don't know. I'm glad I feel this way. I know I'm not missing out on anything, because I've been twice before and both times weren't that great.

Reopening wounds

I believe in the power of art.

A friend approached me because she wants to do a series of paintings revolving around gender, and asked me to model for them, and help her with ideas. She wants to show the really negative and dark parts of being transgender, and warned me a few times things will get very emotional, but she doesn't know to what level.

As I've said many times here, I'm involved in a trans youth group in my city, and I'm very forward with information and details. I help new transgirls, I tell them they can ask me anything, I'm an open book. I offer the same to transguys as a courtesy, but for obvious reasons they don't take me up on it for the most part. I'm not an activist, but I like exposing people to trans issues, and reminding the world we're also human, which is something I tend to forget along the way. Something about becoming a monster while fighting monsters.

I'm looking forward to the dark bits. I quite enjoy the negative aspects of a lot of things in some weird way, and so many times in my transition I've felt like I was staring down into a dark abyss, deciding whether to jump or sit and admire the view. It's not all like that, though. There are amazing times when you feel invincible, and like a god.

But this isn't about those times. This is about the abyss. The hopelessness. The loneliness. The self-loathing. The self-mutilation. The victim. The endless questions. I hope things get as raw as she says. I almost feel eager to intentionally open these old wounds that rarely effect me, and let the blood and the tears flow, and let the world see it.