BLTC pt6

Today was awful.

I didn't take The Pills yesterday, or today, because I ran out. I had a script, I just kept forgetting to get more until late this afternoon, and asked mum to give me a lift to the shops because she was going there anyway.

I didn't really feel any effects from not taking them, which I now realise is because I was so absorbed in a game that I actually forgot to eat. At least, that's what I thought at the time.

I got to the shops, and suddenly everything had a lag to it, and I could barely feel my body. I felt really floaty, and almost like I didn't really exist. Turns out getting so absorbed into that game was part of the disconnect I felt.

Finally, I was reunited with them, and took them right after dinner. But this has me rather worried. If this is what it's like to be off them for a day and a half, and The Pills are meant to be temporary... what the hell is gonna happen when I'm off them? Should I hold myself up in my room with two buckets and 10 litres of water and bar the door and window and just ride it out for a few weeks?

Another thing I've noticed about them is that my brain sometimes gets a huge lag on it. Words are slowly getting harder to produce consistently, and I'm mixing up spelling of basic words really badly, or I'm replacing them completely.

My brain is really weird right now...

How far are you willing to go?

I thought that as long as I got what I wanted in the end, and as long as no one got hurt, it wouldn't matter what lengths I took. Doesn't matter if I'm used, or hurt, or made colder.

I don't think I can actually push myself that far. Maybe I'm too soft for this kind of attitude.

That same someone seems determined to remind me of the worst that people can be. Aside from his looks and kinks, there is nothing good about him. Perhaps nothing good can come from interacting with him.

He did a lot of things that didn't bother me enough to leave, until last night. He takes pride in never apologising, even when he really really should. He believes he is never wrong, when he is frequently. The only misunderstandings are of the people around him. If he never admits fault, there can be no trust. Thus, there can be no play between us, because that shit is dangerous.

I have low self esteem, not a death wish. Maybe I'll go throw myself at someone else.

Scalpel

Who knew age play was such a big thing for me? I mean, I knew I liked it... but I didn't expect that someone hating it to make me feel this way.

I've been contacted by someone I used to play with. We have a lot in common, in terms of kink. Not so much in terms of personality and lifestyle. Our brainwaves clash a fair bit as well.

He wants me to be his secondary/casual submissive, which is good timing because I've wanted a non-emotionally attached kink buddy for a while now. He's a lot stricter than I'm used to, but I'm used to basically being able to trash the house without so much as a glance. So this might be fun. It's kinda scary too.

We've been talking about what he expects, and I'm smiling and nodding and agreeing to everything without flinching because I know what he likes already and he's pretty much a very stereotypical sexual D-type person. Then I bring up age play and puppy play, mostly as a warning because sometimes it just happens, and he goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NONE OF THAT. Since he had that reaction, I thought I'd better ask about bringing stuffed toys to kink events, since I still kinda need that emotional support, and he said NO NEVER THAT'S BANNED.

Typing that out just then made me cry. When he said it, I was totally crushed. I went to lie down in bed for a while and think if this is really something I want to do. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Cookie is AWOL and Serina has a bias, and is semi-AWOL herself.

Looking for a reason to say no

I'm working from the stance that beggers can't be choosers. Like I said a while ago, so what if something good comes along and isn't perfect?

So what if people say I can do better? I'm tired of waiting for better. This concept of "better" is why I say no to so much, because what if something better is just around the corner?

As for the people who say I deserve better... well, even if I did, that doesn't make me more eager to wait longer.

For so long I've worried about what could go wrong. Now I'm excited for what could go right.

More kink events

What an interesting weekend.

I went to a kink event again. And I had a lot of fun. More than that, I met someone, and even arranged a playdate with a very adorable twinky boy. He makes me giggle just thinking about him.

I've wanted to write about this for a while, but nothing... happened. I didn't have any revelations, any unique experience outside of playing with a TENS machine, no outrageously negative experiences. It was just a fun night with friends in a new fun environment.

I did take Jane, my dead elephant, for moral support, and she helped at the start when I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about the place. But I felt better, and eventually carrying her around was just a statement on my littleness, and not a safety blanket, which was a nice transition.

There was this one very surreal aspect of the night, at the very end. There was this cute topless boy getting tied up. The room they were in was tall, and had slow lights moving around making it seem a lot taller and alive, and there was a song being played that I listened to a lot when starting The Pills, so there's a weird association there and I felt like I was floating. It was all a very strange and it made me feel quite happy.

Afterwards, I spent the night at E's house with Serina, which was nice. Talking to her until very late and falling asleep. The next day, E and L were having people over, and that was a lot of fun as well. So many new people in just a few days.

Basically if this keeps up, kink events won't even be a Thing anymore. Which would be nice.

Made of glass

I went to a kink event last night with Serina, E and L, and had a great time. Since I'm exhausted and the words aren't coming, I'll blog about it later. But something happened last night at one point.

E and L were playing, so I sat on a couch near someone and tried to strike up conversation with someone, and didn't get a very good reception, which was kinda disappointing. On top of sitting in a low chair in a corset, I guess I had a look on my face that told Serina I was freaking out.

She kept looking over at me and mouthing the words "are you ok?" and I kept saying I'm fine. This kept up for a while, and I got really frustrated at her. It kinda felt like before, when she treated me like glass. After the last couple of months, this event was pretty awesome. I wasn't overstimulated at any point, not anxious, or scared, or anything. I was just having fun.

So to have her look over at me, worried I wasn't handling things... it made me kinda sad. Like maybe I hadn't changed as much as I thought. Eventually she came over to make sure I was ok, and I kinda snapped at her.

After a minute the guilt of that kinda washed over me. She was just looking out for me, and after some of the other times we've been at kink events, anyone would have been keeping an eye on me.