Two years, pt 2

Today marks 2 years on hormones for me. Naturally, this is a time to look back and see what I've learned, and how I've grown. Thinking about it, today is actually more important to me than my birthday. It's been a long journey, part of which is chronicled right here, in this blog. But the real meat of it is documented somewhere that has closed down now, so that timeline is lost for good. I don't mind, really. I remember the important parts, and a lot of it is written down here.

I've learned so much. I've gained some responsibility. I've grown. I've learned a lot about self-acceptance. And I like to think that I've been sticking to the lessons I wrote about last year, and have helped guide me. I am in a healthy relationship, I have a wonderful family in my trans group, and another family to look forward to getting to know. I've made a lot of progress in terms of transition, some more trivial than other parts. I've seen that the world is not as bad as it seems to transition in, while seeing some of the worst and coming back for more. I've learned that you have to start somewhere if you want to get anywhere. I've learned how to create a silver lining, and to understand the root of some of my own issues, and I've learned how to forgive.

I've learned about D/s, and what I want from it, and how beautiful it can be when it works well.

And to celebrate, I'm going to go to whatever government building I have to in order to legally change my name. It's been a little overdue. After it comes through, I'm thinking I'll have a little fire at my house to throw some old things into.

I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited.

Two years, pt 1

Seriously, this is my third (or technically fourth) post in one day.

I'm a day late, I was out most of yesterday, but yesterday marked two years ago that I met mummy. I don't really know what to write here, because last time I wrote something about this I had to start from scratch. But this time, I have over a year of writing to fill it all in for me. And it's been a looooong year. I'll fill that in next week though, for now, all I have to say today is that I love you Serina, red hair and all.

Back in the cage, again + other things

When Serina and I fell apart last month, I took the cage off. I thought it was for good, at the time.

We're getting better, and more stable. So it's back on. I don't really know what to say about it right now. I can see a difference in Serina about it, though. She said she was going to be harder and enforce it more, which is exactly what I want.

She pretty much decides when I get to have an orgasm from now on (and since she can forcefully give me one against my will she can actually carry this out) and I'm not scared. Or worried. Or nervous. I'm relieved that finally this might be happening for real.

Unlike my previous post about wearing it again, I don't really care how much effect E had on this and her mindframe. I'm just glad it's back on.

______

I can't be bothered creating this post just to create a third in one day so I'm going to continue here.

Today, I had a bizarre thought: I can't wait until I get back to my transgroup and back to my normal life.

Normal life? What, a vanilla life? Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I'm just.... kinked out right now. Every thought process I've had in the last month has been about kink. Even my little sister turned out to be kinky so it's a hot topic for us. And now that I'm back in the cage I live it 24/7, granted in a small way, but it's still going to be there until Serina decides to take it off me.

It's exacerbated by E, who lives pretty much his entire life with some sort of kink, which is the kind of life Serina wants.

Something that also adds in another layer of complication is the fact that change scares me a lot.

I'm burned out, I suppose. This is one thing about D/s that I'm not a fan of: when you're tired of it, tough titties, cos it still happens. There is no holiday, no time off. Even a lot of my alone time is occupied with it. But don't think this means I want to stop. I'm not totally sure what it means, to be honest. I'm going to settle on growing pains, for now.

Post

Serina and E have been doing some intense things lately. Intense to me, anyway. And I know that's what they both want, but it's still really scary to watch and hear about. But it's not that scary to hear about what E did to her, just physically. It's the emotional side that really freaks me out.

She talks about this thing that happened to her on saturday night, where she was so terrified of what was about to happen that she started crying. She kept saying if she could have backed out she would have. Which is.. good, apparently. Well, it's pretty much what she signed on for, I guess.

She broke down on sunday night about it, and I was so intensely worried about her I wanted to call a taxi and go over there. But she kept saying she was ok, and... she is. I was worried I'd have a shell of her to deal with today when I saw her, but nope. She was just as bright and happy as usual. Like nothing had happened.

I guess this makes me a little less scared about them doing this. He dishes out this stuff, she lives through it and she takes a day to process it and that's pretty much it. But on the other hand, if this is E just starting out, what the hell is going to happen to her next? It terrifies me to think about her in a broken state like she said she was on sunday. I guess that's just... part of it. I'm unsure if I can handle seeing her like this, or worse (which will happen eventually), or during the act that causes it. I've given up asking questions to this effect, because the only answer I get is "it's so far away it doesn't matter". Comforting.

She mentioned that the only proof she has that E will not break her and not fix her is faith. I just hope it's well placed.

By the way, that wasn't a desperately ironic post title, Post, I meant "after".

The F word

Serina has been throwing around the word "family" when referring to E and L, and said that she feels like a part of it. She has also alluded to the fact that I'm involved as well, which I didn't feel for obvious reasons.

But after being in their house for so long yesterday and today, and seeing how everyone interacts, and how they interact with me... I think I get it.

I feel so naturally like a little kid there. There's my mummy, her potential owner E, and E's boy, L. E gives of a very big daddy vibe to everyone around him, which Serina adores. So it seems like E is half-daddy to her. Which would, naturally, make E my grandpa.

So, after the event, we were calming down at Grandpa E's house, and since I was half-exhausted half-traumatised I was phasing in and out of the conversation Serina and E were having. Serina asked me if I was doing ok, cos I was really quiet, and I said I wanted candy, not expecting to get any at all. Then E stood up and said "I think I have some lolipops around here" and found some. Oh god, I was so excited.

At some point, someone mentioned the word possum. I love playing with possums, so I started talking about these times I got bitten by some at a park, and E mentioned there's a pretty cool park nearby. I got really excited and asked where it was. He said it wasn't far, so I excitedly asked what the time was, cos I really wanted to go, even though I wasn't expecting to (it was 1.30am, Serina and E looked pretty tired and I'd had a big night), and to my surprise E got up and said "let's go".

Oh my god I got dressed so fast and ran to the car. It was a short drive too, which was good cos I was bouncing off the walls. I jumped out of the car as we arrived to the park and went mental on all the equipment while mummy and Grandpa E watched. Eventaully I wore myself out, and flopped into the giant swing again while they sat on the bench, talking. After a while I looked over at them, and felt a microscoping pang of jealousy, which quickly went away when I saw how comfortable they were together, and how included I feel. So I just watched them for a minute, and it was really nice. So I went to go sit with them, me leaning on my mummy, and her leaning on Grandpa E. I think this was the first time I called him Grandpa E, and he squirmed a lot. Serina and I giggled.

It's way way way early days, and I didn't really know what to think about mummy's feelings towards it all at first, it seemed to happen so fast. But that's just the kind of people E and L are: warm, open and incredibly caring and accepting. And I feel quite special just to know these people, let alone be involved in any of their lives. Mummy, especially.

My night in hell

Last night, Serina and myself went to a kink event with E. I was hesitant to go, because whenever I go into a new environment like this I always end up sitting in the corner not talking to anyone, as I've explained before. I still went though, in the hopes that I got to know E a bit more, felt more comfortable with him, and actually have fun at a kink event.

Well, I got to know him. And he's pretty awesome. But the event... It was worse than I was expecting. I was really nervous all day, but I pushed through it. I picked up Serina from work, and we went to E's house.

We hung around, I got to know E a bit better, and I met L, who is E's boy. After a really tasty (and fucking huge) chicken dinner, we got ready and got in the car and while driving I had a small realisation: I really didn't want to go. But I thought that was nerves talking, so I ignored it and just went along. We parked, walked to the front and E had to wait for someone who was new so he could go in with them. They were an hour late, which was fine by me. There was an endless parade of latex, leather and corsets as we waited. E, being locally famous, knew almost everyone who walked past. I got introduced to probably a dozen people, none of which I remember because it was all an anxiety fueled blur. I was told they were really nice though. Serina knew some of them as well, which made me feel incredibly isolated.

They showed up and we went inside. Down some stairs into this really loud thump thump music, it was really dark, and there were a lot of people. Serina held my hand and dragged me through to a quiet place to sit, and she hugged me and asked how I was doing. I was in panic-mode, so I don't really remember what I said or much of what else happened. I know we sat there for what felt like half a day. I was looking around, and I was screaming at myself "I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO" but I stayed in the hopes it might get better. It didn't, and eventually Serina got me outside so I could calm down a bit. She gave me heaps of opportunities to leave, but I didn't take them. I guess I just wanted to get past the intense fear and try to have fun.

We went back inside, and I felt mildly better, but I was still scared. I got into a serious pit of self-loathing for being as terrified as I was, especially when Serina seemed to feel perfectly comfortable. It was like that time I went to meet those kinkters at the bowling alley, or the first time I went to a trans support group, but turned up to eleven. I went into this expecting something like that, to feel a bit awkward, know no one and to not meet anyone new (Technically I met some new people, but I don't remember a single one) and that's pretty much what I got, only a much more extreme version. But on top of that, I felt like I was depriving Serina of fun she could have been having, I felt vastly intimidated by everyone I met and saw, I felt way out of my depth, the music and lights were overbearing and made me feel extremely overstimulated, and peppered throughout this whole thing were a series of minor panic-attacks. Serina had to pretty much babysit me the whole time, which I hated. I wanted to go there and maybe have fun, but instead I was just a wreck. I didn't see the point in coming, because there was nothing about it I liked.

Serina could tell this wasn't going to get better, so she tried to think of ways we could leave (it was E's car, he lives very far away and I left my stuff at his house). Eventually she decided on a taxi. She went to talk to E about us leaving, and he said if we waited 5 minutes he'd be leaving too. So we drove home, I turned on my iPod to try and calm down a bit, and it helped. The further away from that place we got, the better I felt. We got home, and I felt shell-shocked. I curled up on the couch nuzzling into Serina, and felt a lot better.

Now, this is interesting. In my post about the bowling alley, this is pretty much where it ended. I had a shit time and I wish I didn't go. End Post. But I'm still writing. You know why?

Because I'm glad I went. I faced a huge fear of mine. I had opportunities to leave, but I stuck with it and tried to make it better. I got to know E. I got to see E and Serina's relationship for myself. Apparently a lot of people didn't like the place either, because the mood was all wrong, so I wasn't the only one who hated it. I went out to a real kink event. I went to the event as Serina's girly. My fears got a face to them, and now the next event feels less scary. I threw myself out into the world. And most importantly: Serina proved that she can keep the promise that she wouldn't abandon me, and that everything she's been saying about E and her, her and me, and E and me, are all true.

I am a lucky girly to have a mummy like this.

The big sister

I got a message out of the blue the other night. It was from someone I hadn't seen in a very long time, and they said they had a new transgirl for me to meet and talk to, because she had a heap of questions.

First thing: they came to me. Me. Ylatch. Me. I was the first choice, too.

Second thing: she's a really amazing person. I can't even describe it really. I've only been talking to her for a few days, but I already feel a weird big sister vibe with her. She's really brave, and smart, and really really open about everything. It's great to finally meet someone like this, it's been so long.

She's been asking me questions, some really personal, and I've been talking to her about what to expect from transition, and hormones, and reactions, and everything. It's amazing that I'm in this position.

People like this remind me of why I wanted to do the intro-night for my transgroup: I had a lot of support, but before that I didn't have anyone. I want to give something back to this amazing community, while also providing something that I feel I didn't have when I needed it most.

And you know what? It feels fucking great to be in this position. To help people. To be someone people can turn to for any sort of guidance. It feels like I'm slowly finding my place, in a way.

Where we are

Serina and myself have been heavily reassessing Us.

She's my mummy. Note the non-capitalisation of that. It's not her title, even though I'd like it to be. She calls me her girly, though I'm mostly not, even though I really want to be.

Part of me wants to dive in, but I know that would do more harm than good. But sitting here doing nothing is really grating. I think her time with E has made her significantly less domly.

There isn't much to say on this, because it's mostly just a waiting game. I asked her if she would like more power over me (once again, this being something I really want) and she said maybe one day.

One day...

Removing the ceiling

I did it.

I quit my job. I feel pretty good about it, and the way I did it. And I'm glad I decided to go one more day, because today was terrible. Absaolutely horrible. And it left a nice seed in my mind that tells me I left for the right reasons.

I left on good terms with my boss, and pretty much everyone. I said bye to who I wanted to, sans one person, but it's ok. None of them were friends, they don't know me, or the reasons I left. Which is the way I want it.

This job made me feel like I had reached all I could right now, in terms of transition. I couldn't progress the way I wanted, I couldn't do anything overtly permanent. And now it's.... over. I can change my name. I can do what I want with my hair. I can wear what I want all the time. I can... be me

Work

It's come to a point where I just can't stay at the job I have now. I don't work that often, 5 hours every two weeks, but it still takes away too much energy and gets in the way of a big part of my life: transitioning.

I'm working this tomorrow, hopefully for the last time. I'm not telling my mother until after it's done, because she won't stop me from quitting and she'll get angry. So I'll tell her when I'm done.

I'm really scared though. Serina has been so helpful and supportive of everything lately, but I'm not going to see her all weekend because her and E are going to a kink event (one that I can't go to cos of work) so I kinda feel a little lost. I don't really know what I'm doing, how to approach my boss about it, or how to say it. All I know is that in 48 hours time I won't have to worry about going back again. I can't really talk to Serina either, because I have serious issues with the phone.

So I just have to hope I do ok by myself.

The lion protecting her young

Tonight I was out with my trans group, which Serina is involved with as well. We were out eating somewhere, and we happened to like perving on attractive people as they walk past us. So we saw this one girl we liked, and watched her walk past us and behind us. There happened to be a woman sitting behind us, and asked "are you looking at me?" and we said no and turned back around. Then she said "are you a guy or a girl?". Serina turned as red as her hair and held my hand very tight for a while. I didn't think that much of it, it's happened before, and she's had to deal with this before.

She wouldn't respond for a while, and after we left the group she was still really angry. I didn't see what the big deal was, this has happened before, to both of us. I mean, it's a really shitty thing to say to someone, but I thought we'd both be used to it by now.

So I asked her why she was especially furious: "it was aimed at you".

I kinda stared at her for a minute while that sunk in. Someone had shown themselves to be a potential threat to me, and Serina got so furious she couldn't even talk for 15 minutes. I feel so protected around her. So safe. I'm her girly.

Daily delf-discovery

Man. Where to start?

It seems like Serina and myself have been on a startlingly long holiday away from each other without either of us realising it. We're constantly relearning parts about each other, and ourselves.

And I've really missed her talking to me about BDSM theory. Had a very long talk last night about what it means to be a masochist. Isn't it funny how you can explain something and it sounds like you're talking about quantum physics, but then if you rearrange some words you realise, holy shit you're talking about me. I realised I don't enjoy pain, I enjoy where it takes me. I've only been there once before, and it was amazing, but kinda scary. But also rather fuzzy and warm.

On top of this I see other new parts about myself, about inner strength and my general sense of self worth.

I've also added about 200 new things to my To-Try list.

New piercing

Yesterday I went out and got a new piercing. Nothing fancy, just in my ear. I've owed myself a new one for almost a year now, but my industrial was being a little bitch and refused to heal properly, but since that's now healed up I took the plunge for a new one.

I have meaning behind my piercings, and this one is no different.

It's to help me fight the Monsters, and it's there to remind me that I can do scary things by myself, and that I'm strong and capable. It's also there to remind me I'm not being abandoned, that I'm loved, and wanted.

This is my 6th piercing (or 5th depending on how you score the industrial). I like to think it's rather symbollic that this was the easiest to get done so far: it hurt the least and I didn't even come close to throwing up.

The revelation

Everything I've heard about being a slave means that you're your owners property, and that you can't even breathe without them saying so. You have to be near them at all times, and do everything they say all the time.

This sounds fine on paper. But day to day? Hardly practical.

I've been freaking out about Serina and E persuing this slavery thing, because I felt like there would be no room in her life for me anymore. This is just not true.

I always figured she would have little to no downtime, and wouldn't be online anymore, wouldn't see me much anymore... wrong. She wants E to be her support, her guide, her push, her drive, her strive to be a better person.

There will be room in her life for me, and not just because E says "go play with that girl you used to hang out with", but because there's actual room here for me.

After I hit this little revelation, I felt my mind go FWOOOOSH, and I was floating. It was like every planet had lined up, like some hardcore drug had just kicked in, like something had flicked on in my head and was somehow that goddamn fucking thing I've been waiting to trigger to make me see some way through this whole thing.

And now I get it.

The bottle neck problem

Today was a nice session with my psych. We talked about the physical stuff that happens with my body when I go into total-panic mode, like when I'm at Centrelink. Since I'm prone to forgetting things like this, I thought I'd write it down.

I don't remember the names of the places, but in the brain, different parts control different things. There's a part in the centre of the brain that process emotion, I'll call it the Walnut, and then it moves onto logical thought. But when people are in panic-mode not much makes it past the Walnut, because it just can't process that much, which is why traumatising things often come off as a blur when trying to remember them. This is what happens to me when I'm in Centrelink.

I totally flip my shit, get extremely over-stimulated, shut down and go into auto-pilot.

This makes me feel a lot more comfortable, knowing this. There's a physical thing behind this. You know why else it makes me comfortable? It's common. It's measurable. It's tangible. It's... real.

Push

Since Serina ended out D/s side I've been less inclined to just do what she says. Which seems odd because now she wants to really help again.

Last night she tried to talk me out of trying to fix Centrelink by myself and to let her do it with this magic form we could get that basically lets her interact with Centrelink for me without me needing to be there. It feels like giving up to me, like letting my fears get the better of me, like admitting I'm weak. I eventually caved, and we'll start it next week. I kinda hate myself for it, it makes me feel like I can't do anything myself.

But she was so fixed on getting me through this, and I said I don't really know where the line of a supporting lover ends and a Mistress starts. And since we're no longer D/s it seemed kind of... weird that she now has the drive to push me through something like this again. I get why she couldn't do it before, but the week after we stop she can suddenly do it again.

But maybe what I need is unreasonable. If what I need is for someone to just do it for me, is there even a point getting help? There's a difference between help and doing it instead. I'm so quick to belittle my own abilities so I don't even try most things anymore, so when someone tries to get me to do these things I tell them there's no point because I believe it myself. I saw the direct result of that on monday when I made Serina cry, and it sucked. It just takes too much effort to move something that doesn't want to move.

Bye hair

Serina and her potential master start their journey today. The first thing they're doing is giving her some kind of haircut. Maybe some colour. Only one person knows for sure.

I love Serina's hair. I think it looks awesome on her, and suits her. And now it's gonna be different. I think I know the kind of hairstyle her potential master likes (I'll call him E from now on) and it really stands out. Part of why I'm worried is because there's the possibility that Serina will hate it. Or I'll hate it. Or it'll make her feel more self conscious than before. Another part of it is that he's changing something I love about her, and I have to sit in the corner and deal with it. What if this is the first change like that of many?

She hates her hair though. That's why she's doing this, why she asked E to do this. It's kinda why I like it now though: it used to be really long, and she absolutely hated it. I like seeing her short hair now, and seeing that's the product of her doing something for herself. But I guess this is just another method of going through with what you want, right? It's hard to remember that though.

I took a picture of her last night so I could have the latest photo I could get before the change, so if I hate it I can just look at this picture.

Getting a firm grasp

Serina and myself have been going through some bizarre channges. We've almost broken up this week, but we stuck to it, and we feel a bit better about everything now.

Serina keeps saying it's because of communication problems, and that we're both at one place when we thought we were at a totally different one. Which is totally true. And thinking about it by myself in the alone time I get before she wakes up, I see that a big part of it is that my wants and needs have progressed and changed slightly, but without me realising. I can't really talk for her, but she gave me that feeling about her as well.

We're not totally fixed. We're not completely stable. It's more like we're relearning each other, what we want, and seeing where this takes us.