My little dark cave

I'm not very happy today. I woke up after about 11 hours sleep, and stayed in bed for another 2 hours before getting up for a short while. Then I lost my temper with something and just went back to bed, which is where I'm writing this.

I had an argument with Serina. Or more like she threw words at me for an hour while I took it. Either way, it really threw me, because it came out of nowhere. It put me back into a place I haven't been for a very long time...

I get depressed occasionally. Not as often or as intense as I used to, but it happens. I used to spiral out for days at a time with no desire to do anything except sleep. I'm glad it hasn't happened again for so long, there is no part of that I missed. But it's how I feel now. I'm in bed, mum's out of the house which I would usually take advantage of with loud music and naked dancing, but I'm just in bed playing Rock Band and pretending I'm not starving and really need to pee because I don't want to leave my room.

I'm mostly confused. I don't really know what happened yesterday. When I said that she just threw words at me for an hour, I mean it. I tried to say things but she wasn't receptive. I still don't know why I didn't just leave. I even asked her what she wants me to do to change what was wrong, and she said "nothing". Well that's helpful. So I just spent the rest of the night with her pretending I was ok.

Part of me is scared that I let people have this effect on me. I thought I wasn't this far away from what I was earlier this year, but here I am, hiding away in my dark cave because of what she said and what she thinks. Before, I was too closed off. Now, I'm too exposed. I don't know where the middle ground is.

I think backing off for a while would be good, but to what end? Isn't this the point of being with someone? To open yourself up to someone?