I hate going to new places

Today I had a very... well, I don't want to call it bad but it wasn't a very good experience either. It was detinitely negative. But it reminded me of other experiences I've had.

Today's experience: Meeting a bunch of kinksters at a bowling alley for the first time. After a huge drama involving about 500 Asian students taking over the place, I finally find who I'm meant to meet with but there were awkward turtles everywhere because I'm terrible at conversation with people I barely know, and I had just met about 12 at once. So, I faked it and watched a few people bowl instead of doing what I normally do (which is enter dear-in-headlights mode and do nothing) and talked to some of them. So at least I'm making progress. I mostly went to meet a certain individual, but he was super late and I was really eager to leave the turtles and go meet a friend somewhere I was comfortable so I never ended up meeting him. I was extremely frustrated at this because it feels like I launched myself wayyyy out of my comfort zone for nothing.

Last year I went to a social group for trans people not long after I had come out. I went, I knew no one at all, awkward turtles everywhere, I decided if I was just going to sit in a corner and be awkward I may as well do that at home, so I left early.

It's not that I'm awkward that's the problem, it's that it makes me angry at myself. I can't even put into words how much I hate myself when I feel really awkward around new people, I just want to scream at myself and hurt myself.

I touched on it a minute ago though. The event today and the event at the trans group made me so angry because it was for nothing. I didn't make any new friends, I didn't have a good time and it got in the way of doing something else I wanted to do. I'm just eternally frustrated at myself and how I relate to people.

Maybe I should just accept that this is how it happens when you're in a new place and nothing can change that, short of being the most charismatic person in the universe.

Go home to scream at the walls

I showed a friend my blog here. He said he didn't know I felt the way that I do. He said he thought I seriously didn't care what others thought, and that I just knew I was the shit. Self assured. Then he said that it was nice to know that I have these insecurities, because I guess I don't show them very often.

Which made me think about how people see other people. I can look at a transgirl a year older than I am and who is further along in transition and think, wow this person is amazing and awesome and infallible. It's easy to think that about pretty much everyone though, isn't it? Especially when you feel so insecure yourself. You think people around you are so much better than you because they don't have whatever problems you're dealing with. But the thing with that is that they're looking at everyone around them and thinking the same.

I am insanely insecure. I'm shy. I'm awkward. I get embarassed easy. I hate being the centre of attention. I always feel like I'll fuck up everything I do. I get stressed from tiny things. I go home and feel crazy and scream at the walls. But I try to seem like nothing bothers me. I try to act like everyone else so I might hope to fit in. I try really hard. It's nice knowing the act is working, but it's nicer knowing that my friend benefited in some way to knowing about the act. It's like seeing behind the stage at a play I guess, the suspension of disbelief is cracked and you get to see how the final result came to be when you see behind the scenes.

The thing about this is that I knew everyone has insecurities. I can spot them in a lot of people, and people can probably spot a few of mine. I suppose we get so caught up in the front-end and how we appear to people we neglect the back-end. People get so hooked on how they appear to others they rarely notice how others appear beyond the surface.

I'm weak

I was helping my uncle move some heavy stuff today. It was so hard struggling through what I used to do with minimal effort. I am so amazingly tired. Muscle loss has hit me really hard. It's almost been a year of hrt, I guess if I didn't have this happen something would be wrong.

It's kinda scary to me to be so weak. I used to be so strong. I used to be able to lift heavy stuff all by myself for hours and hours. Now I struggle. It's a scary contrast. It's just one of the huge changes that kinda happen gradually. It's what I want though, so it's not like this is scary because I didn't want it to happen.

I guess it's just something I need to get used to. I wonder if helping my uncle with labour like this would stop I were out to him.

Absolute neutral

There has been a surge of drama in a friend circle, mostly about one person. I don't like drama, or negativity like that. It decays everyone and puts a sour note into everything. I stayed out of it for the most part, and what little I did have to say I like to think was objectionable and rational. Whenever drama arises I just sit on the sidelines and watch, occasionally stopping someone from doing something they might regret if it comes to that. But being involved in drama? It's not my thing. The last drama I was involved in almost lost me my closest friend.

It makes me think about how I am most of the time. Indecisive and indifferent to most things. I don't even like it when I express opinions, mostly negative ones. Lately I seem to be level-headed and more what I want: neutral.

It's how I feel most of the time, even with my gender identity. While I don't really identify as genderqueer I don't really see myself as totally female, but rather a combination of male and female to make some kind of "both and neither" person. Maybe that is genderqueer, but I prefer gender fluid personally. If there's even a difference.

I just want people to get along, or at least realise that people are just going to be different and there's nothing you can do to change that. I hate hostility within groups, and built-up bottled-up hostility. I guess people will just be determined to not get along in some capacity. I don't mind. Just don't drag me into fights expecting me to take a side. Because I won't. I'm on my side.

Time for a new piercing

Yeahhh. A year of hrt is a milestone, and I celebrated my 3 months by getting my ear pierced. It helped me get over my needle phobia and I feel like it was a nice acknowledgement of the event. I'll probably just get one on the same ear above the 3-month one. After this I don't know if I'm going to get more hrt related piercings. I probably will for other trans-related milestones though. If I ever get The Op I think it would be a little overkill to get one acknowledging that, as it's basically a piercing all in itself. But maybe orchi? Maybe when I train my voice? I like having mementoes.

All of my piercings have meaning. So far, I have (in order) tongue, labret, left ear (2), right ear industrial.
My tongue and labret are there to remind me of someone who was very close and very special to me.
My left ear is there for 3 months hrt. It's also there to remind me of some things someone taught me.
My industrial is there to remind me to not let my fears stop me from doing what I want, and to remind me that needles won't kill me.
My other left earring is to remind me I'm loved.

I love piercings, and talking about them with people. I don't know if I'll ever get a tattoo, it's too permanent for my liking.

Mass Effect log pt2

I finished the game :\ I don't get it, I thought it was supposed to be long and deep and massive, but I finished it in about 25 hours.

Ok, let's reassess that sentence so I can maybe get a better appreciation of the scope. Most mainstream games are built to last, what? 12 hours? 10? 5? I guess I'm too used to endless games that are meant to be repetitive (TF2 and CS:S). 25 hours is a pretty good length. I was just expecting more I guess, cos I did a lot of side quests.

Ah well, final stats:
Female Soldier
Paragon
Love interest was Liara
Main party members were Garrus and Liara
Level 35 I think, I stopped checking after 27

Now, I can either try to justify the $40 for Mass Effect 2, or I can work on another game on my to-do list. I think I'll play the Oddworld series next.

Last night I went out to a bar I love. It hosts weekly drag shows and only drag kings on friday nights. I usually take my toy octopus Ralph there and rest him on my head. He takes away a lot of my people-related anxiety, because if I have him on my head and people stare, they're looking at him. If I don't have him on my head and people stare, they're looking at me. But it's also a nice way to meet people, it's surprising how approachable someone becomes when they have a plush octopus on their head. He has since evolved beyond a security blanket and more of a mascot.

On friday when we went in, the drag host was working the door. He asked where Ralph was, which was a bit weird because I don't think I've had a conversation with him before. But whatever, I always have Ralph with me, and I go there a lot. Then when he went on stage he plugged the trans group I go to and said that we have a few people from the group in here tonight, mentioned my friend and then me. That was weird. He knew my name?

The same thing happened last night, I went to the bar for a drink and he was there and said "Hey Bailey"

It's so weird for this to happen to me. To be a regular somewhere that isn't Subway. I used to hate bars, but now I've found one where I'm comfortable and that's nearby.

This also extends into the subcommunity I've found myself in. Finding trans and queer people my age was the best thing I could have done. I love my new friends. They make me feel so comfortable with myself and I love the fact that everyone seems to know each other. I never thought I'd be able to find a group of people like this, let alone be welcomed into one.

I must make a conscious effort to not make a dick of myself from now on.