Busted

Talking to other trans people, or just reading their stories, there is a huge occurrence between almost all of them: being caught dressing while still in the closet.

I've been close once and only once. I had gotten my first tights and was showing my friend on webcam. My computer is in the loungeroom, so I was exposed, but I thought mum would be out for hours. Since I live with my mother I was the only one home. I was feeling awesome dressing how I wanted in that part of the house, usually it was just reserved for my room. Then I heard the door and all the good feelings left instantly. Now, the loungeroom is next to the kitchen, which is where the door is. My room is on the other side of the kitchen from the computer. This was it, I thought. This is the night we're going to have that talk, no psyching myself up all day, no saying "mum, I have something to tell you", it was going to be like this: busted in front of the computer crossdressing. I ran.

There are two ways back to my room. I ran into the back of the loungeroom and called out to mum to lure her one way, so I could run the other way. Somehow I made it into my room without my mum seeing the skirt, tights and girls top. It all felt unreal, like it wasn't happening. How could she possibly not have seen what I was wearing? There was a clear line of sight at one point, I was sure of it. I called bullshit on reality itself when I was in my room, naked, and it just stared back at me and said "No, you made it. Somehow"

By the way, this all happened with my friend watching. The webcam was still on.

It all happened in probably 10 seconds, but felt like hours. Hours of panic and fear and frustration. I was off the hook. Mum asked what I was doing, running around the house. This part was easy to bluff. I just said I was in my underwear and didn't want her to see. That had actually happened before, so it was a viable explanation for me.

In my room I got on the laptop and signed into MSN but appeared offline so it would sign me out on the big PC, and turn off the webcam. When I got back out to the big PC I got back on MSN and talked to my friend, who demanded to know what had happened and refused to believe that I had not been caught. He said it was like watching a slasher movie, the killer was right behind me.

That was the end of my crossdressing.... for about 3 days. I couldn't make it go away, I needed the clothes too much to stop. After I had calmed down that night, a bizarre thought popped into my head: I almost wanted to be busted. It would take the matter out of my own hands, out of my control. Be done with it and get it out ion the open, remove the need to hide.