I am mostly a very reserved and shy person, and I can't help but get a little jealous of people who aren't. Especially when those people are also trans. I get jealous that these people can look attractive and have people say the nasty things they'd do to them, and I wonder, why not me? So I give it a try, and I never like myself afterwards. And it's no wonder, it's not me. I decided a long time ago that I'm just not that sexy outgoing person that everyone wants to fuck, and when I try to be I feel wrong.
I try to tell myself that I'll never do it again, but the jealousy is too much sometimes. That's why I avoid a certain type of person, or more accurately a certain group of people. It brings out the worst in me, my self-loathing, my I'm so fat thoughts and it makes me feel completely undesirable as a person. In those circles, I'm not your average tgirl. Outside of those circles, I am just your average tgirl, which is really jarring to experience.
I guess it's just an attempt to get out of my little rut where I'm so shy and reserved. I think I just need better ways to do it. Ones that don't make me hate myself for days afterwards.
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