For about 3 weeks I was having some fairly intense sex dreams about someone I know. I've never had a sex dream before I started transitioning, which is a bold claim but I remember dreams very well. They are very vivid and tie into a lot of my submissive fantasies, but I won't get into the specifics of the dreams.
They are extremely frustrating to me. Since starting hormones I've gone from passively wanting sex and affection to craving physical attention; hugs, leaning on someone, just being physically near someone. What's frustrating about that is that it's being wasted on pillows and toy octopus instead of the thing I'm craving: someone.
I've been trying to push these fantasies and thoughts about sex out of my head for a long time, bottle them up I guess. I know it isn't healthy, but since I am monumentally bad at anything even resembling dating and have screwed up many opportunities lately, I don't want to think about it all anymore. I don't need these thoughts, these cravings, they take up my headspace. I want them gone.
The worst part is I'm too timid to do anything about it. I love hugs but I feel like I need a reason to hug someone, even though I know that other people like hugs too. I have a hard time believing anyone would want hugs from me, let alone anything more. Maybe the dreams are about how much I dislike myself, or how little I think of myself... I guess I feel like I don't deserve anyone, and I hate my sexual desires, and feel like I'm wrong for wanting what I want.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Song 24/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 24: A song you want played at your funeral.
Miss Blue, by Filter. It's so pretty, and sad.
Song 24: A song you want played at your funeral.
Miss Blue, by Filter. It's so pretty, and sad.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Song 23/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 23: A song you want played at your wedding.
Well now... this is tricky. I haven't thought about my wedding, like at all. I went through a big Sigur Ros phase, that band has a lot of beautiful music. One of the few songs I still love by them is Ágaetis Byrjun, which means "an alright start". I think I'd want that played at my wedding, it's a beautiful and perfect song.
Song 23: A song you want played at your wedding.
Well now... this is tricky. I haven't thought about my wedding, like at all. I went through a big Sigur Ros phase, that band has a lot of beautiful music. One of the few songs I still love by them is Ágaetis Byrjun, which means "an alright start". I think I'd want that played at my wedding, it's a beautiful and perfect song.
Friday, 1 April 2011
Song 22/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 22: A song you listen to when you're sad.
This is a really easy one. There is a live version of Meds, by Placebo, that is quite depressing. I didn't really like Meds before I heard this version, and even now, it's the only version I like.
Song 22: A song you listen to when you're sad.
This is a really easy one. There is a live version of Meds, by Placebo, that is quite depressing. I didn't really like Meds before I heard this version, and even now, it's the only version I like.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Song 21/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 21: A song you listen to when you're happy.
Well fuck, there are hundreds of songs that fit this. I'll pick from a band I haven't picked from in a while. Swoon, by The Chemical Brothers.
Song 21: A song you listen to when you're happy.
Well fuck, there are hundreds of songs that fit this. I'll pick from a band I haven't picked from in a while. Swoon, by The Chemical Brothers.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Song 20/30
See the 30/30 Challenge here!
Song 20: A song you listen to when you're angry.
I don't like feeling angry, I really hate it. I'm angry a lot, and I just try to let it pass. I need active music to help me get over it and calm down. Sometimes I need something to listen to to give me a controlled anger, to help me feel it and direct it to something positive: self improvement. That song is King Kill, by Marilyn Manson.
Song 20: A song you listen to when you're angry.
I don't like feeling angry, I really hate it. I'm angry a lot, and I just try to let it pass. I need active music to help me get over it and calm down. Sometimes I need something to listen to to give me a controlled anger, to help me feel it and direct it to something positive: self improvement. That song is King Kill, by Marilyn Manson.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Vidya to-do list
According to my Steam account, I have 118 games. Accounting for DLC, demos and free games I've long since deleted, I'm gonna say that's 80 games. By far, my favourite game is Team Fortress 2. I main Pyro and mostly play arena.
However, my other 79 games are not loved as much. A lot were bought during sales, came in packs or were free with a pre-purchase. I think it's time I compile a list of the main games I have and want to play, along with progress of what I've done.
In order of priority...
Mass Effect 2.
Crysis
Oddworld 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Dawn of War 1 & 2 +expansions
Company of Heroes +expansions
FEAR 2, however I'm near the end and it's getting very boring.
Aquaria
However, my other 79 games are not loved as much. A lot were bought during sales, came in packs or were free with a pre-purchase. I think it's time I compile a list of the main games I have and want to play, along with progress of what I've done.
In order of priority...
Mass Effect 2.
Crysis
Oddworld 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Dawn of War 1 & 2 +expansions
Company of Heroes +expansions
FEAR 2, however I'm near the end and it's getting very boring.
Aquaria
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