Weight again

I've been struggling with my weight for ages. A few months ago I was making good progress, but despite actually losing weight, that wasn't good enough for me. I hated exercising, I missed my favourite food, and I felt completely alone in my efforts. So I stopped, and I regret it.

I think I gave up when I was trying to find a way to enjoy exercise, and none of the info I found resonated with me. I figured it was impossible, and if I was still loathing it after doing it consistently then I resigned myself to never enjoying it, and gave up.


I'm going to try and push myself to do it again, even if it does make me unhappy and sore.

Perfect

I spend a lot of time waiting. The right moment, the right time, the right person, the right place... but it's dumb. I'm spending a lot of time thinking of later and I waste the now.

I've had a rough week. I went through another pretty bad body image episode, and I feel like I'm getting better. But it doesn't solve the problem. I don't like my body how it is, and I want to lose weight. I was successful at it for a while, and then I stopped because I hate the process and I missed the things I'd been missing out on (comfort food and energy drinks mostly). Now I realise I know how to lose weight, and I just need to keep going and start exercising again... except it's raid night so I can't, except I had junk food today so it's already a write-off, except I'm feeling shit, except whatever else.

It's not just with exercise, it's with a lot of things. Part of it is not knowing how to start some things, but mostly I'm just waiting for the universe to tell me it's time, when it should be the opposite. I want to do things, so fuck you get out of my way it's time to do it. That's how I want to be, instead of how I am now.

Self-medication

The way I got into the headspace of starting HRT again was to basically revert back to the early days. Trans 101, I suppose. I did all of the same things that I did back then, to remind myself of how I felt. It helped a lot, and reminded me why I started in the first place. One of the best things I gained during during transition was a large group of friends, which I'm slowly recovering.

Last night I went out to have dinner with a friend and some other people. I was quite anxious about it, and worried I wouldn't fit in since I'm pretty masculine. I debated not going, but knew I would regret that choice. This was going to be good for me, I need more friends and it would be good to do something that didn't involve my housemate.

I pushed myself, got ready and braved the night, and ended up having a great time. We talked about Overwatch, the MCU, shitty movies and other geek stuff. Despite it wearing me out extremely fast, I loved it. It was well needed, and I didn't even mind returning home to a dark empty flat. I just played WoW, talked shit at my guildies and called it a night.

This is a major thing for me. I actually did something good for myself that was social.

Relearning how to be friends

This is a weird one for me. I think since I've shut out so much of the external world over the last few years, I don't know how to have friends anymore. I'm so used to an environment where I can't have people over that it's a foreign concept to invite people over. Going out with people isn't a thing either since it was so hard for me to go anywhere.

I feel like I only have 2 friends, when recently it's become a lot more. But it's like I have social tunnel vision: I can't see the ones who are new because it's been the same way for so long. I'm absolutely terrible at multitasking my social-ife.

This is all on top of my shitty self esteem, anxiety and general fear of rejection. I feel paralysed, trapped and spiraling out all at the same time. But I'm learning, and growing, and I've met some really cool people lately.

Your better nature

As I move forward I notice the more external forces I have, the more interior I become.

I'm not used to seeing so many people, it's becoming hard to keep up. I feel my ability to relate to others is in a serious flux. I'm constantly second guessing myself and others' intentions. My self esteem feels like it's falling up and down an endless flight of stairs. I'm doing things I want, but am afraid of, because they might hurt.

I'm trying to absorb as much as I can. I have new friends, and thus am introduced to new energies. I want to hide and play Factorio all day, but I'm not. I need to remind myself: it hurts because you need to break before you rebuild.

Why latex

I've had a massive latex fetish for a while now. I don't really remember a time when it wasn't a turn on, either sexually or emotionally. Like it made sense on more than one level.

I'm sitting here with a latex hood on, and it's been on for a few hours by now. It's so nice, and despite being a size too small for my fat head, it's extremely comforting. I feel comfortable in it, and it only just hit me why.

I get overstimulated easily, and most of it feels like it's coming in through my head, which is why I'm kinda fussy about people touching my face and when I'm ok with kissing people. That, on top of the auditory stimulation, wears me down and makes it very hard for me to be out in loud environments and still be social.

The hood makes everything muted; it's like the world gets it's volume turned down. My hair doesn't bother me, there's latex over my ears so sounds have their edge taken off and there's a layer between my skin and peoples' touch. This makes me feel very internal, contained and safe. It makes me feel disconnected with the outside world, and able to approach it on my own terms.

The first time I saw a transgirl

Highschool was super confusing, and kinda numbing. I'd known I was at least bi for a few years and was a closeted crossdresser since then, out to very few. By this point I had made out with a guy, gone to a gay bar, and some sexual stuff.

I was at a pre-party with friends, getting drunk before a friend's birthday where a ton of people were going to be. I was tipsy and told my friends I liked wearing skirts, to which they said I should wear one for the night. And fishnet stockings. Sooooooooo... obviously... being the naturally timid and scared boy I was.... I did. I was rather drunk by this point, but it was incredible, freeing, terrifying and kinda liberating slash erotic

As if that wasn't pushing my adrenaline, I saw her. She went to our school right? I knew her, but she was different before. My friend said she had changed genders, and internally my heart did a backflip. That's a thing? You can do that? Could I...?

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know her and ask her what the deal was cos I want in. I didn't, I was scared. But at least I knew I wasn't alone, and was surprised that I had even felt alone with this feeling.