The first time I saw a transgirl

Highschool was super confusing, and kinda numbing. I'd known I was at least bi for a few years and was a closeted crossdresser since then, out to very few. By this point I had made out with a guy, gone to a gay bar, and some sexual stuff.

I was at a pre-party with friends, getting drunk before a friend's birthday where a ton of people were going to be. I was tipsy and told my friends I liked wearing skirts, to which they said I should wear one for the night. And fishnet stockings. Sooooooooo... obviously... being the naturally timid and scared boy I was.... I did. I was rather drunk by this point, but it was incredible, freeing, terrifying and kinda liberating slash erotic

As if that wasn't pushing my adrenaline, I saw her. She went to our school right? I knew her, but she was different before. My friend said she had changed genders, and internally my heart did a backflip. That's a thing? You can do that? Could I...?

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know her and ask her what the deal was cos I want in. I didn't, I was scared. But at least I knew I wasn't alone, and was surprised that I had even felt alone with this feeling.

Something fancy

Just like last time, I wanted to make a note of the fact I had a blood test and didn't puke or feel dizzy, despite having a small anxiety attack in the waiting room before-hand. So here it is, yay.

But that's only part of today's story. I'm still feeling that fire, so I went to my doctor and talked to him about starting HRT again. Since I was forced to stop last time because I'd never seen a psychiatrist who cleared me for hormones, I went in thinking fuck it, I'll just bite the extremely slow moving bullet and get a referral and just have to wait the 9 or so months. So I laid it out for my doctor, and he said "Ah I see. Well it says here you were on progynova, so I'll write you another script for that and get your blood tested in a month to see how that goes."

Wait, what?

It turns out having a paper trail is actually handy. He didn't question it beyond what I took and how it felt when I was on it. So here I am, back on hormones, wondering if it was this easy all along. Then I'm reminded, no, it really wasn't. Part of it is being ready, and I wasn't until recently.

Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Mental break

Things have been stressful lately. Getting back into the radio is making my anxiety fluctuate, things with Centrelink are stressful, I need to see doctors because I haven't been on hormones in I don't know how long.

And now on top of all of that, it looks like I'll be moving in the near future.

I really thought about just not taking this place and waiting for things to die down. Do I really need all of that shit on top of moving and suddenly being independent and living off my own money?

But I realised that even after these things die down, there will still be something else later, or no house to move to, or just anything. I need to leave. I can't live here. I'm spending so much energy on just existing in this place, it's impossible to have any sort of life here.

Invincibility and reality

So a while ago I found out someone I'd been following on YouTube is making a video game. Sonja suggested I ask her for an interview, and I jumped on it. I felt great, and excited.

Then reality set in, and the fear followed. I've resigned myself to knowing I won't do this, even though I want to. How often to you get to talk with someone you've looked up to for years?

I'm just really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

Panel

A while ago I was on a panel at a convention in my city. It was amazing. I didn't write about it earlier because the entire thing, while amazing and fun, was completely exhausting and I haven't had the mental energy to really think about it until recently.

The panel was for queer geeks, and it was apparently the first of its kind in Australia. It was pretty amazing, and really scary, to be up on stage not only in front of what turned out to be 60 people, but I was sitting next to some rather amazing people who had done some great things. It was great to hear them talk about things, and see the crowd react well.

I didn't say much, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Towards the end though, someone asked a question about queer representation in media, and I suddenly had a lot to say. I said I'm trans, and that there's basically nothing in terms of relatable characters/stories out there, and mentioned a little flash game I'd played a while ago that was about someone's transition. Someone in the audience raised their hand for the microphone and he said that he'd played it to better understand his friend's lifestyle and I was completely blown away. I just looked at him and said that was completely amazing and this is why we need more things of that nature, and everyone on stage nodded with me and I saw people in the audience really taking on what I had just said.

It was... intense, and amazing. I was speaking in public and not making a dick of myself.

As nerve racking as it was, and even though my anxiety is completely opposing to this, I love the idea of doing this more often. I think I want to make a career within pop culture. Somehow...

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?