Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.

Why am I going back?

Last year I went to an event that I hated. I'm going back this saturday.

I feel... anxious and alone. I just want to talk about it with someone.

I want to find someone to play with on the night, get my ass beat, get zapped, tied up, just something. I've been feeling extremely isolated lately from no physical contact, and feeling somewhat... I don't know, ugly, unapproachable, like poison? I'm scared of not finding someone, or someone rejecting me.

This week, probably tomorrow, I'm planning on going to get my body waxed so I can't let my hairy ass be the thing to stop me.

The show has just begun

Lately I've noticed how much I let my body stop me from doing things I want to do.

Last night I went to a kink event with a friend, and really wanted to play with someone, but always fell back on "but I'm all gross and hairy". I usually just resigned myself to this, but lately I've realised I can actually do something about that. I can get waxed, get IPL, do something to change it. But I haven't.

I'm not even sure why I haven't. Some kind of lack of confidence probably.

There's another event in a week that we're probably going to, so I have this week to do something about my body. Hopefully I won't talk myself out of it.

Compromise

I don't know where to start this. It's been around for a long time, and the amount it bothers me comes in waves, but it never really leaves, I don't think. I'm talking about how I interact with people.

I grew up being forced to have more social contact than I was comfortable with. More than just school, but family and seeing people outside of school. Eventually, my mum registered that I loathed being around people a lot, so she took the opposite route and let me be as antisocial as I wanted. Again, that's not good. It got it into my head that I can just blow people off, keep being alone and be happy about it.

But now... I think about all the people I could know and be friends with, and they're just strangers. This is a Wall, in the most literal sense, but it's also one of my strongest. Sometimes, I try to take a step back and look at the situation, and I think I can come close to understanding it, and thus find a solution, but it's almost like being in a labyrinth, where turning a corner only leads to another fork in the road.

But, I'm trying, and this is what I want to write about right now.

When I meet someone new, I see them as a very temporary object until they prove themselves otherwise. In other words, I put distance between me and them until they decide I'm worth the effort to close that distance. I place the burden on them to get to know me, when it should be a two way street in communication. While this does mean that anyone who does manage to bridge that gap is very valuable to me, it also means I'm turning away dozens of people in my life.

But why? Why is this my MO?

I have an extremely negative view of people. At some point in my life, I experienced something that made me think people are not worth effort. I think everyone is stupid until proven otherwise. I think they're uninteresting, ignorant, a deviant, will use me for something... I don't know. Sometimes I place the blame back on myself, but only in shallow ways that makes it sound like they're still the ones who would reject me.

So, essentially, I have a bias towards people before I even talk to them, let alone getting to know them. I usually try really hard to push past this and just accept new people into my life, but I rarely welcome anyone new as a friend. I can act friendly towards people, and hold conversations, but unless something big stands out about them, they usually just leave my mind when my eyes are off them.

Knowing all of this, and all of its implications and contradictions and many layers, can make things a bit easier. Like so many of my Monsters, though, it makes me feel like this way is right. Like I have high standards of what I want in a friend, but that's just not true.

It is not a compromise of myself to give everyone a chance to get to know me.

Better Living Through Chemistry pt7

It's coming up on a year on The Pills and I still resent them and being on them. Almost no one knows I'm on them.

I'm regularly forgetting to take them for days at a time, so I feel really strange sometimes and wonder why.

I'm getting more depressed lately. I feel a lot of stress from things I'm not doing. One of the big signs that I'm depressed more is that I'm playing TF2 again, a game that doesn't really bring me a lot of enjoyment, but just lets me waste away the hours.

Tomorrow is a convention that I've been looking forward to for months, but here I am, the night before, wondering if I really do want to go and considering not setting an alarm so I can just sleep through it. Why, though? I know I'll enjoy it while I'm there, and I know it will be a great learning experience for me in terms of media and the radio show I'm on. But... I just don't care enough.

Normally with my one year threads I look back at the positives of it all and how things have gotten better. I don't think I'll be doing that this time. I still hate The Pills, and I hate being on them, and most of all I hate the time in which I started taking them.

Exit Planet Dust, pt. 3

Well. That idea died fast.

One of my friends backed out. So it looks like I'm still stuck here for the foreseeable future. I don't know what to say or think about this. I just feel numb, and I'm worried I'll fall back into binging junk food again. We'll see what happens I guess.

Hair

I wish I didn't dye my hair.

I don't miss my old boring hair though. I love the colour that I dyed it. I just can't keep it up. I can't maintain it and I don't know why. My hair has been getting more green every time I redye it and it's driving me insane.

I need help with this... and so many other things. Ugh. Most of my life seems to be me drowning when I try something with my appearance.