Maybe I'm the problem

Maybe she's distant because she's been having a hard time lately.
Maybe I'm being selfish for being angry at her for disappearing.
Maybe I'm the one not putting in enough effort.

I don't know why this has only just occurred to me.

Branch out

I feel strangely lonely.

I've taken to WoW so hard lately cos I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. No one consistent anyway. But I'm also kinda depressed because I feel like there's very little room for me Serina's life...

That's hard to admit, and also seems like it's not true at the same time. But... intention is different from execution. She seems to enjoy my company, and always says she's looking forward to seeing me at places, but the last few times I hung out with her I barely saw her.

The other night I went out to a movie with some friends, and they crashed at my place afterwards. I really enjoyed that, I felt comfortable with them in my house. I think I'll invite them over again soon. Maybe I should take this as a message from the universe it's time to branch out and actually make new friends, rather than just people I know.

I dislike feeling lonely. It makes me feel confused and overwhelmed.

Burn Out

I need... something.

Something substantial, wholesome, to do for myself.

I look at my room, at my computer, and all I can see is a wasteland of clutter and noise and bright horrible lights. I need to do something different, something new.

I need... less of what I have. I don't know. I'm tired, and I can't sleep it off.

Shell Shock

I've been feeling exceptionally vulnerable and fragile since Tuesday night.

It reminded me of that intense anxiety I used to feel. It reopened that wound, and while I haven't felt my confidence suffer from it, my mood has definitely taken it full-force. I've been binge eating almost constantly since it happened, spend a lot of time in my room because I just don't want to face anything and been very irritable.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going back to do the next show, no doubt about that, but only because I know this was a total fluke of a fuck up and never happens. But as for me and my mental state... at least I have a new adorable dog and my bed of stuffed toys to lighten my mood.

Raw burn

Last night was intense for me. I was in at the radio station, pretty relaxed like I usually am before a show because I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it's better to just be flexible while in the booth. However, 2 minutes until the show starts, we discover there's something wrong with the console.

Sonja starts freaking out, swearing, getting people to call people and running around trying to get things sorted, meanwhile the clock is ticking down. Eventually it just runs out, and we're thrown into a spotlight half-dressed.

I was getting rather nervous, mostly for Sonja's sanity, but then came time for my part in the show, and it's all a terrible blur of Um's and Uhhh's and that terrible feeling I used to get when I had to make a phone call. I suddenly felt like my face was on fire, it was hard to breathe, I had no one in this room with me when I'm used to having at least 2 people to pick up the ball if I drop it. I was flying blind. Thankfully, with my segment, I had a lot of material to pick from, so I just kept talking about what I know, hoping it was good enough and helped buy some time.

After what felt like several lifetimes, Sonja reappeared to help me out a bit, and slowly took back the show, and played an ad and a song, giving me a ton of time to go sit down outside the booth.

Sonja followed me out, and I had a small reception of people there tell me I did good, which made me feel great. After the show one of them told me I was hyperventilating during this, but I don't remember. All I remember was that I was sweating and shaking.

I went back into the booth after about 15 minutes to resume the show with Sonja, and I think the last half went really well.

When I got home, I just flopped into bed, listened to relaxing music and didn't do anything, and promised myself that tomorrow (read: today) I would take care of myself and just stay home and avoid stress. I did just that, and I'm feeling good.

This was by far my biggest anxiety attack this year. I was so stressed, and my emotions were shot. Afterwards I knew I was hungry, and that I wanted to go home, but I didn't really understand which was the priority, so I wondered back and forth between food places and my bus stop for 20 minutes before deciding food was more important, and I'd just get a taxi home if I missed the final bus (which I did)

But I'm proud of myself. I handled it, got through it, and knew what it took to make myself feel better. This would have killed me a year ago.

Hyena

The co-host of the radio show I'm on had a falling out with the host, so I said I could help out more, and she reacted pretty well to that idea.

This is the first time in a long time I've been excited about doing more, and taking on more responsibility. I guess it's mostly because of the eventual rewards of this. I really love movies and pop culture, so if I do more for the show I'll get exposed to more of it. I'm rather looking forward to the idea of making contacts and getting my name out there. It would be really cool to be some kind of journalist, and maybe eventually get into making movies in some aspect.

With all that said, I feel bad about the host and co-host breaking up like this. Part of me feels kinda guilty for all of that previous paragraph being the first thing to pop into my head when I heard the news. Almost like someone dying and wondering what your share of the inheritance will be.

Satellite

My trouble relating to people is well documented here. It's not severe, or crippling, but it leads to very complicated and confusing places. I look at two people who meet, and seem to be friends. But I take a long time to get there with most people. Serina is probably the fastest I've considered someone a friend after meeting them.

For instance, very recently I've become friends with someone fairly new in my life, Cali, but I've known them for months. That's moving fast for me. We talk almost every day, mostly because we play World of Warcraft together. She's also trans, and knows I'm sexual, which also shakes me a bit. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, but I'm used to it scaring people or confusing them, so I rarely talk about it. But it's easy with her, and she also talks about her sexuality with me.

I look at my life, and the communities I'm in, and the people I'm surrounded by, and I see a very select few as friends. I enjoy the company of many people, and I get along with almost everyone at my group, but I've rarely seen anyone's house, and almost no one has been to my house. Not that that's a strict definition of friendship, I couldn't tell you what pushes someone over that imaginary line into my friendship zone.

But here's the interesting thing: I'm ok with it.

Lately, after seeing Serina's energy levels go extra crazy, as well as being around E again who also has energy problems, I'm understanding my own energy better. I'm introverted, people drain me, and there's nothing wrong with that. It would make sense, given that people drain me, I let a very select few be exposed to me on a regular basis.

I would enjoy having a circle of friends who I see constantly, and go out with, but it's more the idea I enjoy. I've had that before, and rejected it because I hated it. Staying at home most of the time, playing Starcraft and WoW and being on Skype makes me happy. Controlling who I talk to and how often I do it is becoming vital to my wellbeing, especially given that I'm now part of a radio show, where my job is to do exactly the thing that exhausts me.