Accept

My mental state is somewhat positive lately. I have a playdate on monday, and I've just generally been feeling good about myself.

This is, of course, after contrast to how I've been feeling lately. And For how bad I felt, it didn't last as long as it usually does. I was going kinda crazy, because I wanted some kink in my life again, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. So instead of sulking and complaining, I asked Serina what I was doing wrong, because she knows more about the community than I do.

So at least now I have a direction. It felt nice to just accept I was feeling shit about it, that I was doing something wrong, but didn't know what.

Proximity pt2

Taking a break from all things kink. Or rather, sitting in the corner with my ears covered and going lalalalala trying to drown it out. I'm starting to hate thinking about kink.

I threw all my stuffed toys off my bed tonight. In some way I blame them. They'll probably be back, I just don't know when.

Proximity

It was Carnival today, which marks 3 years in the trans community for me. It's a nice thing I can set my watch to, Carnival will always be a big thing for me, even if it's terrible, which it was today. But that's not what this post is about.

While I was there, I saw an abnormal amount of people in leather, and latex, and corsets... There are usually a dozen wandering around, but not this many. It kinda made me feel really self-conscious, because, well... I want what they have. All of them were with someone, holding hands. It's hard being around other kinky people right now, and hearing about their stories of the kinky things they do.

In about two weeks is pride march, and I got this idea in my head that I want someone to put me on a leash for it, which is all well and good, but I don't know anyone. So that's frustrating.

An interesting thing is that I want to be on a leash during pride march at all. Usually I can't wait to pile in with the various trans groups and wave to the people, but I guess having no means of kink right now has made me crave it so intensely that I want to show off that side of me. Last year there was some kind of kink group in the parade, maybe there will be again this year.

The worst thing is, the longer I'm out of it the more awkward I get around it.

Want and Confidence

On new years my friend dyed my hair black and blue. I never thought I'd have the confidence to dye my hair, I always thought I'd regret it and miss my brown hair. But I love it, and I love wearing it. It makes me feel better about existing in the world.

Years ago I got the idea to dye my hair, but I chickened out. What will everyone think? What will they say? Now, I don't really care.

I've also done something else that I've wanted for a while, and got my nipples pierced. The actual getting was awful, but made better by a wonderful piercer and Serina getting me lunch. Afterwards, though... the high I felt was intense. I was so proud of myself.

It barely even registered that I was topless in front of a stranger. Actually about 4 strangers, the piercer's boy was there and two students came in while I was taking a break and lounging around topless, they didn't react so neither did I. Maybe body confidence comes from accepting your own body, rather than changing it to what you want it to be...

Confidence is a really nice thing. It's kinda nice to be in a position where I can appreciate my own confidence, because I come from a place where I didn't have any.

Close. Far. Close.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, years, maybe over a decade. I didn't really want it to be true, because... it seemed too obvious. But I think I have some really heavy abandonment issues with no understanding of how to cope with them.

Whenever someone lets me down in some way, I usually just... ignore them, or avoid them, and if I have to interact with them I just do the absolute bare minimum. I get it into my head that they let me down on purpose, so they don't like me, so it won't matter if they think I hate them. But then, after being exposed to the person again for a while, I see that they don't hate me, and that almost all of this is in my head.

There's a really fucked up logic to this, in my brain. I feel like a dog, if I don't see someone for a while I get super happy when I do see them and basically wanna just hug them and wag my tail and stare at them for a while. But if they're the person that let me down, I feel like not being happy they're back is some kind of stupid punishment, where my sadness causes them pain. Which explains why it takes a phenominal amount of effort to do something positive for myself when I'm down, like playing a game or actually trying to be happy.

On top of that kind of "punishment", I also feel like if there's no repurcussion they feel like they can just do it again, and again. That might be true, but it's obvious I never actually communicate when I'm let down, and why. Instead, my stupid little ritual only makes me feel worse with no other results, because most of the time it just goes over the person's head.

This is what living inside my head is like. It's any wonder I want to leave the planet.

Worth

So... the last 5 or 6 months have had a spiraling theme lurking above them, and many things have resulted from it.

I could point out specific events and people, but I won't. The end result of most negative things that happened last year was that I felt like I didn't matter, and while I usually bounced back with my mood that has stuck.

Over the new years I stayed at a friends, because it's kinda tradition now to spend NYE with them. But the entire time I was there I felt really guilty about existing in their space, like I was some alien or I was forcing them to have me there when they didn't want me to.

There are things I want, some from myself and some from other people, but most of the time I feel like I'm not worth it. I want to study, but I don't feel like I would be worth the money it would take to do a course.

How do you get past this? I want to care about myself again, I want to feel even a little bit valuable to someone, but every step I take just moves me backwards.

Friendships

I'm rather... extreme when it comes to friendships.

I feel a huge need to share everything with someone. It's hard for me to have multiple people fulfill multiple aspects of me with little overlap between them. I'm almost a serial monogomist, but with best friends instead of lovers. Sometimes the two overlapped but not much until the last few years.

I have issues connecting with people sometimes, so when I find someone who I can share almost everything with I latch on. This is the longest I've gone in about 10 years without a person like that and I'm really feeling the itch. Serina is a good part-time version of this person, but I can only see that decreasing in the future, even though we're really close.

It's really hard to find this kind of person when you're not doing anything with your life. I miss having someone I can do everything with, and always talk to.