Worth

So... the last 5 or 6 months have had a spiraling theme lurking above them, and many things have resulted from it.

I could point out specific events and people, but I won't. The end result of most negative things that happened last year was that I felt like I didn't matter, and while I usually bounced back with my mood that has stuck.

Over the new years I stayed at a friends, because it's kinda tradition now to spend NYE with them. But the entire time I was there I felt really guilty about existing in their space, like I was some alien or I was forcing them to have me there when they didn't want me to.

There are things I want, some from myself and some from other people, but most of the time I feel like I'm not worth it. I want to study, but I don't feel like I would be worth the money it would take to do a course.

How do you get past this? I want to care about myself again, I want to feel even a little bit valuable to someone, but every step I take just moves me backwards.

Friendships

I'm rather... extreme when it comes to friendships.

I feel a huge need to share everything with someone. It's hard for me to have multiple people fulfill multiple aspects of me with little overlap between them. I'm almost a serial monogomist, but with best friends instead of lovers. Sometimes the two overlapped but not much until the last few years.

I have issues connecting with people sometimes, so when I find someone who I can share almost everything with I latch on. This is the longest I've gone in about 10 years without a person like that and I'm really feeling the itch. Serina is a good part-time version of this person, but I can only see that decreasing in the future, even though we're really close.

It's really hard to find this kind of person when you're not doing anything with your life. I miss having someone I can do everything with, and always talk to.

BLTC pt6

Today was awful.

I didn't take The Pills yesterday, or today, because I ran out. I had a script, I just kept forgetting to get more until late this afternoon, and asked mum to give me a lift to the shops because she was going there anyway.

I didn't really feel any effects from not taking them, which I now realise is because I was so absorbed in a game that I actually forgot to eat. At least, that's what I thought at the time.

I got to the shops, and suddenly everything had a lag to it, and I could barely feel my body. I felt really floaty, and almost like I didn't really exist. Turns out getting so absorbed into that game was part of the disconnect I felt.

Finally, I was reunited with them, and took them right after dinner. But this has me rather worried. If this is what it's like to be off them for a day and a half, and The Pills are meant to be temporary... what the hell is gonna happen when I'm off them? Should I hold myself up in my room with two buckets and 10 litres of water and bar the door and window and just ride it out for a few weeks?

Another thing I've noticed about them is that my brain sometimes gets a huge lag on it. Words are slowly getting harder to produce consistently, and I'm mixing up spelling of basic words really badly, or I'm replacing them completely.

My brain is really weird right now...

How far are you willing to go?

I thought that as long as I got what I wanted in the end, and as long as no one got hurt, it wouldn't matter what lengths I took. Doesn't matter if I'm used, or hurt, or made colder.

I don't think I can actually push myself that far. Maybe I'm too soft for this kind of attitude.

That same someone seems determined to remind me of the worst that people can be. Aside from his looks and kinks, there is nothing good about him. Perhaps nothing good can come from interacting with him.

He did a lot of things that didn't bother me enough to leave, until last night. He takes pride in never apologising, even when he really really should. He believes he is never wrong, when he is frequently. The only misunderstandings are of the people around him. If he never admits fault, there can be no trust. Thus, there can be no play between us, because that shit is dangerous.

I have low self esteem, not a death wish. Maybe I'll go throw myself at someone else.

Scalpel

Who knew age play was such a big thing for me? I mean, I knew I liked it... but I didn't expect that someone hating it to make me feel this way.

I've been contacted by someone I used to play with. We have a lot in common, in terms of kink. Not so much in terms of personality and lifestyle. Our brainwaves clash a fair bit as well.

He wants me to be his secondary/casual submissive, which is good timing because I've wanted a non-emotionally attached kink buddy for a while now. He's a lot stricter than I'm used to, but I'm used to basically being able to trash the house without so much as a glance. So this might be fun. It's kinda scary too.

We've been talking about what he expects, and I'm smiling and nodding and agreeing to everything without flinching because I know what he likes already and he's pretty much a very stereotypical sexual D-type person. Then I bring up age play and puppy play, mostly as a warning because sometimes it just happens, and he goes NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NONE OF THAT. Since he had that reaction, I thought I'd better ask about bringing stuffed toys to kink events, since I still kinda need that emotional support, and he said NO NEVER THAT'S BANNED.

Typing that out just then made me cry. When he said it, I was totally crushed. I went to lie down in bed for a while and think if this is really something I want to do. I don't have anyone to talk to either. Cookie is AWOL and Serina has a bias, and is semi-AWOL herself.

Looking for a reason to say no

I'm working from the stance that beggers can't be choosers. Like I said a while ago, so what if something good comes along and isn't perfect?

So what if people say I can do better? I'm tired of waiting for better. This concept of "better" is why I say no to so much, because what if something better is just around the corner?

As for the people who say I deserve better... well, even if I did, that doesn't make me more eager to wait longer.

For so long I've worried about what could go wrong. Now I'm excited for what could go right.

More kink events

What an interesting weekend.

I went to a kink event again. And I had a lot of fun. More than that, I met someone, and even arranged a playdate with a very adorable twinky boy. He makes me giggle just thinking about him.

I've wanted to write about this for a while, but nothing... happened. I didn't have any revelations, any unique experience outside of playing with a TENS machine, no outrageously negative experiences. It was just a fun night with friends in a new fun environment.

I did take Jane, my dead elephant, for moral support, and she helped at the start when I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about the place. But I felt better, and eventually carrying her around was just a statement on my littleness, and not a safety blanket, which was a nice transition.

There was this one very surreal aspect of the night, at the very end. There was this cute topless boy getting tied up. The room they were in was tall, and had slow lights moving around making it seem a lot taller and alive, and there was a song being played that I listened to a lot when starting The Pills, so there's a weird association there and I felt like I was floating. It was all a very strange and it made me feel quite happy.

Afterwards, I spent the night at E's house with Serina, which was nice. Talking to her until very late and falling asleep. The next day, E and L were having people over, and that was a lot of fun as well. So many new people in just a few days.

Basically if this keeps up, kink events won't even be a Thing anymore. Which would be nice.