Made of glass

I went to a kink event last night with Serina, E and L, and had a great time. Since I'm exhausted and the words aren't coming, I'll blog about it later. But something happened last night at one point.

E and L were playing, so I sat on a couch near someone and tried to strike up conversation with someone, and didn't get a very good reception, which was kinda disappointing. On top of sitting in a low chair in a corset, I guess I had a look on my face that told Serina I was freaking out.

She kept looking over at me and mouthing the words "are you ok?" and I kept saying I'm fine. This kept up for a while, and I got really frustrated at her. It kinda felt like before, when she treated me like glass. After the last couple of months, this event was pretty awesome. I wasn't overstimulated at any point, not anxious, or scared, or anything. I was just having fun.

So to have her look over at me, worried I wasn't handling things... it made me kinda sad. Like maybe I hadn't changed as much as I thought. Eventually she came over to make sure I was ok, and I kinda snapped at her.

After a minute the guilt of that kinda washed over me. She was just looking out for me, and after some of the other times we've been at kink events, anyone would have been keeping an eye on me.

Three years

Last month was the 3 year anniversary of coming out to my mother, and it's about 3 years since I first went to my psych.

3 years ago I was... basically a child. Too scared to go out into the world for anything, too scared to do anything that wasn't video games. Today with my psych, I realised that I've basically become a person in the last 3 years.

It's really scary to think about how I was before, but maybe this is why I'm enjoying life so much right now, because I'm only just experiencing it. It also seems to be a snowball effect, because I've made a lot of progress in the last 6 months alone. That's most likely momentum propelling me forwards at new speeds.

But... where did this person come from? Sometimes I feel like a new consciousness inhabiting a body; the memories of the old consciousness are there, but it's all so fuzzy and blurry it's like watching someone else go through these awful things.

I think I like being a person.

We are everything you wanted

Who really disappointed me in the last few weeks?

Thinking about it all, what what I wanted from those people seemed simple on the surface. But it's the lifestyle I wanted, and was denied.

Like last month, and my Night in Hell, it was just a reach for the thing I wanted, and this time I fell on my face. The people concerned don't know what this meant for me, and I approached it from that angle intentionally. I don't like letting people in a lot of the time, and they don't need to know. It's about me, and what kind of person I want to be.

I'm scared to initiate something again, but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't always end with this kind of result, and I'm struggling a lot. I still want the end goal though. So it's really just a matter of time before I try again.

Trust

These last few weeks have damaged my trust of people. Too many people have made promises they couldn't, or simply didn't, keep. I've basically quarantined myself from most of my friends, today being an exception because of TDOR, because being around some of them makes me sad and angry. I'm positive it will pass soon. But the damage to my trust has already been done.

Serina (ex-mummy) has re-entered my life with her typical clumsy crash, taking a coffee table out as she entered, and I'm rather happy she did. It's been nice reconnecting with her, but she's not immune to my trust issues. Because of recent events, and our history together, I'm keeping her at arm's length for a while, just like I am with everyone.

As for where we are, we are just friends. Although "just" doesn't really come into it. We work better as friends, as we've proven many times in many ways, so we're staying friends. Best friends, it seems.

TDOR

It's Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I don't really know what to say about it. It's good we have a day like this, but sad we need it.

The community I'm in is quite large and busy. I've met hundreds of people who are all different shades of the same spectrum. I've made good friends, and see people regularly, but there's a scary thought in the back of my head: how many of those I've only seen once, those that I don't even remember, those I never even saw, aren't here to see this day?

Also this is post 200 on my blog.

Like you let me down before

I think I had another anger blackout tonight.Everyone's been letting me down lately in ways that really matter to me, combined with insanity from my group and generally hating my body. I wanted to just distance myself from everyone, but for some reason everyone wanted a piece of me.

One of my friends was talking about how she got angry at our group, and reminded me of a bunch of shit, on top of her being one of the many to let me down lately, and I felt something pop. I went into my room feeling so angry I was dizzy and had a lie down.

I don't know what conclusions to draw here. I still don't feel well, and I'm not going to my group next week. I don't really feel like talking to anyone from that corner of my life right now...

Drawings 2

I rarely draw people