Energy

Friday afternoon I got a brainwave about where I'm taking my latest project.

I've been asking my friends to give me their dead light globes, since they're just going to throw them out anyway. But why? I just had a faint idea in my head that I needed (not wanted) light globes for something.

It hit while I was doing my weekly ritual, and I had to lean against the wall because it came on so fast and so strong I felt dizzy. Last night I wrote it down, and really nutted it out, and asked myself questions on the practicality of it and a timeline, drew a few diagrams and how many light globes I'd need. I'm not revealing anything about it here, because friends read this and I want it to be a surprise, but I know I need at least 40 light globes.

This is going to take a long time.

The worst thing in the world

I think what I want doesn't exist. At least not right now. Maybe I've been overreacting to people like I talked about a few months ago. Maybe they aren't evil, or serial killers, or insane.

Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.

I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.

If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?

Halloween pt2

My friends didn't end up coming.

One forgot, the other fell asleep some time in the afternoon and woke up after the buses had stopped.

So instead of watching horror movies with my friends, I just stuck to my newer tradition: Playing TF2 during the Halloween event.

I tried to organise it again for tonight with just one friend, the one I've been getting closer with. Once again, it didn't happen. She for some reason couldn't stay over, despite saying she could earlier, and suggested we do it during the day. That wouldn't work because my mum reserved the computer to do work during the day.

This is really disappointing. I've been kinda depressed about it for a few days. I'm kinda angry about it too. Neither of them actually let me know they wouldn't be coming, I had to ask them.

I guess I'll just have to forget about my old tradition and just look forward to next years Scream Fortress.

Exploration

It's hard when someone is removed from your life so traumatically. It's even harder when you still like them, but they seem to treat you like poison. This blog is my place, yet why do I feel the need to censor myself just because I know she still reads it?

I've written about 3 drafts in the last hour, saying different things about something new in my life and how it compares to my last relationship, but the words either come out too harsh or completely missing the point I try to make.

So what is it I want to say?

I miss sex. I've missed it for a long time. I miss being penetrated, and having someone enjoy my genitals, instead of just tolerating them. I tried to tell myself I didn't mind how it was, but I missed it a lot. I recently asked someone I know if they'd be interested in doing something with me, and they said yes.

Many things are running through my head about this. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or if they don't find my naked body appealing, or if they cancel... but I'm still going through with it. I'm also extremely excited. This is someone new, I get to do things to them, they switch and like a ton of the same stuff I like. I've had it in my head that I really really want to take her for a walk on a leash one night. I've wanted something like this for a while, and used my newfound confidence to get it.

Now if only I could muster up the courage to go to a kink event.

Shift

I haven't written anything here in ages. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about, there's actually been a lot going on lately. I just haven't felt the usual need to write. I've tried writing a new post many times in the last week, only for it to quickly become a chore, and for my mind to move onto other things.

Even now I'm struggling to write this.

I think maybe my medium is shifting somewhat. It sounds strange, but I've taken some of my desire to express myself out on a new curtain I made myself. It's pretty basic, but I've left room to add things and change it whenever I want. I've also wanted to create more physical things. I'm drawing less, but I feel no less creative because I feel like I want to move onto sculptures of some sort. I don't know if this will last, but it's a nice change.

Halloween

Halloween has pretty much always been my favourite holiday despite living in Australia. In high school I'd have friends over for a night of horror movies, which was something I'd look forward to a lot. But that ended when we all finished high school and drifted in different directions.

I really miss that. There have been so many obstacles getting in the way of doing something like that again, mostly because of my mother and the state of the house.

This year, after getting closer to some friends and having them in my house, I thought it would be different. I thought it would be nice to continue my little tradition and evolve it and use it to spend more time with newer friends.

One friend's lack of interest on top of the other friend's lack of listening skills is making me more stressed than I should be about this. There's so many things to juggle with that second friend as well. I'm starting to consider just canceling it and waiting until next year, when maybe I'd have someone to do this with. Or maybe finding some other people.

I don't know. I feel lost, and I'm taking it way too personally. I just miss Halloween so much.

Who do you want to be?

I grew up sheltered, as I've discussed. I remember wanting to go out, finally doing so, and it being a nightmare because I was so anxious and unsure of myself. I was always up for spontaneity though, even in the thick of my anxiety, but rarely found myself in a situation where I could follow through.

I always hated it. I hated wanting to do things that were out of my reach. I wanted to be able to handle being in new places with new people and not keep fighting off a panic attack, or feel a mountain sized amount of discomfort that transcended reality. I kept pushing and pushing, and try to move into this person I wanted to be. Felt I should be. Maybe it's out of some kind of self loathing, to want to move away from this person so desperately. Maybe it's out of some kind of love for myself, to move to who I want to be.

Looking back, my Night in Hell was an act of desperation. I still don't regret doing it, but I think I wasn't ready for it. It was the most vividly I felt the need to get the fuck away from myself, and it blew up in my face, and just reminded me where I'm from.

So, how did this fragile and damaged human being end up at an abandoned church for an industrial rave at 2am, an hour and a half out of the city with someone she met 3 hours beforehand?

Last week I met this woman who invited me to a party last night, and I went. I knew no one there, but I got talking to a few people, one of which was the author of a children's book, another was trying to find someone to go on an adventure with. Ignoring the fact my entire body already hurt because I helped trim a massive tree that afternoon, I raised my hand and went off with this girl who's name I didn't even know, to go to a place I didn't know the location of, to have an experience I'd never had before.

We stopped off in the city for supplies, some of which somehow made it back to my bedroom, and took the trek to Craigieburn. We found the church easily, and before we went in I reminded her I'd never been to one of these things before, and she understood not to abandon me.

Again, like my Night in Hell, this thump thump music permeated the air. Unlike that night, we were immediately greeted by someone extremely friendly and welcomed us into their pocket of the world. Huh, these people are human Was what ran through my head. Almost all fear left me, and I went inside to see something I'm having trouble describing. Half a dozen people all solo slam dancing around, one guy literally pressing his head against a speaker that towered over him, and the music that was being pumped out by a solo DJ at the front was varying and insanity-inspiring, but also somehow beautiful in it's own way. It was rather appropriate we were in a dilapidated church: Satanic symbols flashed around the walls while the flock was being entranced by this lone figure at the front, spewing out his message.

I hugged my new friend and screamed into her ear "Thank you for bringing me here".